Disclaimer: If you are a fan of Sweeney Todd, please be aware that any opinions stated by Voldemort do not match those of the author. In fact, the author thought that movie was freaking awesome. Please do not hunt her down, kill her, and/or bake her into a pie. Thank you, and have a nice day.

The Dark Lord had returned to his room two hours ago. He lay on his rock...I mean bed, wondering where the heck Wormtail was.

"I wonder where the heck Wormtail is!" said Voldemort, thinking aloud, "He's supposed to shampoo my head!" He sighed. "Ever since he started dating that Olga person, he's had little time for me! But what's a Dark Lord to do?" He paused for a minute, in deep thought. "Perhaps I should 'pull a Hannah Montana' and get a girlfriend myself to make Wormtail jealous! ...But who should it be?"

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. Voldemort started to get up in order to answer it, but apparently whoever was knocking somehow had a key to his room. Bellatrix rushed inside, grinning from ear to ear.

"Oh, Voldypoo!" she said happily, "I couldn't help but overhear your dilemma through the smoke detector!"

"I knew it!" said Voldemort under his breath.

"I think you know where I'm going with this..."

"Well, I certainly hope you're going out the door!"

"No, Voldypoo, I can be your girlfriend! Isn't that super?"

Voldemort sighed and rolled his red snakelike eyes. "Bella, you're married..."

"Oh, right. Him. He's just a bump in the road," said Bellatrix. Then she continued quietly, just to herself, "And he'll soon be a bump under my car..."

"You don't even have a car!"

"Oh yeah." She seemed surprised that he had heard her. "Well, I can just set him on fire or push him off a cliff...y'know, something fun."

"Yes...you do that."

"So?" she said eagerly, "How 'bout it, Stud Muffin?"

He paused to consider his other options, and then realized with disappointment that he had none. "Fine...You can go out with me."

The resulting scream of excitement broke every window in the hotel. Needless to say, the Dark Lord had quite a bit less Muggle money after that.

Voldemort and Bellatrix sat out by the pool, waiting. Bellatrix gazed in awe at her new "boyfriend", who would glance around anxiously every few seconds. Wormtail would be back soon, and Voldemort didn't want to miss one chance to make him jealous.

"Bella?" he asked, "Any chance you might know where Wormtail and Olga are?"

"No. Sorry, Voldykins. There's a good chance they're eating again, though--" She was interrupted by a loud noise.

Thud. Thud. Thud.

"Oh, never mind," she continued, "Here they come."

Sure enough, Wormtail approached them from the parking lot, followed by the gargantuan known as Olga. She seemed to be even bigger than before, and was it possible that she had one extra chin?

"Oh, hello, Wormtail," said Voldemort, "Did you hear Bella and I are dating now? We are the hottest couple at the hotel, you know." Sadly, this wasn't a lie.

Wormtail looked confused but indifferent. "Oh, well...That's nice. Anyway, guess what Olga and I are going to do!"

"Enter a pie eating contest?" Voldemort chuckled evilly at his own joke.

"No, we already got kicked out of that. We're going on a date to see Sweeney Todd!"

"What the crap is Sweeney Todd?"

"It's a musical horror movie."

"Sounds like my kind of movie. After all, I did rather enjoy High School Musical...Um, Bella, why don't we...," he had to force the coming words out of his mouth, "...double date...with Olga and Wormtail?"

Bellatrix's face lit up. Voldemort knew what was coming, so he spoke quickly and sternly, "DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT, THEY JUST FIXED THE BLASTED WINDOWS!"

So Bellatrix covered her mouth with her hand, jumping up and down and freaking out in silence for what seemed like an eternity. Finally she calmed down somewhat and said with a squeak, "YES!!"

She yelled to her husband, who was sitting by the other side of the pool looking lonely. "Rodolphus, get your purse! You must be our snack carrier!"

Rodolphus smiled. "Finally! It's my time to shine!"


Olga, Wormtail, Bellatrix, and Voldemort all stood in line to buy movie tickets. Bellatrix gazed longingly at Voldemort while Olga gazed longingly at the snack counter.

"OLGA LIKE FOOD!"

"I know, dear," said Wormtail with a sigh, "You said so every five minutes on the way here."

"WELL, OLGA DO LIKE FOOD!"

"No, honey, it's 'Olga does like food'."

"FOOD! LET'S GET SOME, WORMY!"

"In a minute, dear. We have to buy our tickets first."

"TICKETS FOOD?"

"No, tickets are not food."

"WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

Wormtail took in a deep, cleansing breath, and then stepped forward. He was next in line. "Two tickets for Sweeney Todd." He took the tickets and guided Olga toward the snack counter.

Then it was Voldemort's turn. He stepped forward looking confident, but then his face fell. "Crap, I don't have money..."

"That's all right, Voldypoo," said Bellatrix, clinging tight to his arm, "Rodolphus does!"

Rodolphus walked past his wife and her date, and pulled a wallet out of his man purse. "Three for Sweeney Todd."

"Um, you mean two," corrected Bellatrix.

Rodolphus's face lit up. "You mean we're finally going on a date?"

"It's not for you, loser! It's for Voldypoo!"

"But what am I supposed to do for two hours?"

"I don't care…lick the gum off the benches or something!"

"Yes, dear..."

Loud voices were heard in the background. "Don't eat those! We need them to get into the theater!" "YOU SUCK, WORMY!"

"Come, Bella," said Voldemort, "Let's meet them at the snack counter, shall we?"

"Whatever you say, you steamy hunk of--"

"I don't want to hear it!"

They approached the snack counter. Wormtail's expression was hopeless as Olga made her demands.

"OLGA WANT POPCORN! OLGA WANT CANDY!"

"All right, I'll take one large popcorn and one package of M&M's, please."

"NO! OLGA WANT ALL POPCORN! OLGA WANT ALL CANDY!"

"All the popcorn and candy? Honey, I can't afford that!"

"THEN OLGA NO LIKE YOU NO MORE!"

"Give me as much popcorn and candy as this will buy." He handed the girl behind the counter a huge wad of money, then took a humongous armful of food. Bellatrix glared in envy.

"Voldypooooooooo!" she whined, "Why won't you buy me as much stuff as Wormtail buys his girlfriend?"

Voldemort stared at her incredulously. "You've got to be freakin' kidding me! Do you want to get huge like her?"

"Well, no...But it's the thought that counts, Volders."

"Fine. Rodolphus, buy the rest of those snacks!"

Rodolphus removed his tongue from the underside of a bench and hesitantly approached Voldemort. "But, my lord...I'm not sure I can--"

"RODOLPHUS!" screamed Bellatrix, "GET YOUR CHEAP BUTT OVER HERE AND PAY FOR THOSE DANG SNACKS THIS INSTANT!"

"Yes, dear..."

He paid for the snacks, and then carried them into the theater while Voldemort and Bellatrix watched in amusement. Then the new couple took their seats, and Rodolphus returned to the lobby to obediently resume his gum licking. Bellatrix yawned and put her arm around her date, only to receive a nasty Crucio.

"Hands to yourself, pervert!" said Voldemort.

Not much happened during the first half of the movie. Olga ate a lot, and Voldemort blew up someone's cell phone as they were texting, but that was about it. Then the Dark Lord spoke up.

"What kind of horrible person would enjoy this movie? It's sick and wrong!"

"Good acting in it, though," commented Bellatrix.

"I agree," said Wormtail.

"I agree as well," said Snape, who seemed to appear out of nowhere.

"Snape?" said Voldemort, "What the crap are you doing here?"

"Sorry," said Snape, and he Apparated away.

"WORMY!" said Olga, much too loudly for a quiet theater, "OLGA OUT OF FOOD!"

"Well, honey, there's nothing I can do," whispered Wormtail, "The theater is out of food, too."

"BUT OLGA HUNGRY! OLGA WANT FOOD!"

"Hey, quiet down there!" shouted a man sitting in the back.

"LITTLE MAN TASTE GOOD?" wondered Olga, causing the man to run out the emergency exit screaming.

"LITTLE MAN RUN FAST." She turned her giant head to look at Bellatrix and Voldemort. "CRAZY LADY! GIVE OLGA YOUR FOOD!"

"No!" shrieked Bellatrix in reply, "Voldypoo bought it for me! It's MINE!"

Voldemort again rolled his eyes. She had hardly taken a bite of it, and the pile was probably bigger than she was!

"FINE! OLGA TAKE FOOD!" Olga shoved Bellatrix out of the way and grabbed a handful of popcorn.

"Voldypoo! Defend me!"

"Are you kidding?" said Voldemort, "I'm not fighting her! She's huge!"

"I have a suggestion!" intervened Wormtail, "Let's all go eat at a restaurant now!"

"THAT GOOD IDEA, WORMY!" said Olga, who had already finished the huge pile of
Bellatrix's food.


"Master?"

"WOAH! ...I mean, what is it, Wormtail?" Voldemort was shivering. He nearly fell out of his seat in surprise when Wormtail addressed him.

"Um, I was just going to ask what you wanted to eat, that's all...," replied Wormtail, gesturing toward the menu in Voldemort's hand.

The odd couples sat at a booth in one of the town's more popular restaurants, Bellatrix next to Voldemort and Olga next to Wormtail.

"Oh. Yes, well...I suppose I overreacted a bit. But that movie just really creeped me out, that's all!"

"We know!" said everyone else at the table, except for Olga, who said, "OLGA KNOW!"

Voldemort had originally chosen a different restaurant, but when he found out that they were serving meat pies, he ran out of there faster than Severus Snape confronted with...well, we all know that comparison.

"Really, Voldypoo," said Bellatrix, "it wasn't that bad."

Voldemort just ignored her. "I want my Mr. Happysmileyman..."

Wormtail looked at Bellatrix apologetically. "Um, he hasn't seen anything over PG. He just watches The Wizard of Oz most of the time.

Bellatrix looked perplexed. "Why?"

"He likes to complain about how wrong they are about witches and wizards, usually dousing me with water to prove his point. Also, he likes it when the munchkins sing and dance."

"Oh..."

"Are you all ready to order?" asked a waitress, causing Voldemort to jump in shock again.

"Yes," began Wormtail, "I'll have a--"

"OLGA WANT EVERYTHING!"

"I'm sorry...what?" said the very confused waitress.

"DID OLGA STUTTER, MENU LADY? EVERYTHING!"

"You want everything on the menu??"

"NO, EVERYTHING IN KITCHEN!"

"You're kidding, right?"

"OLGA NO JOKE ABOUT FOOD!"

Wormtail leaned over and whispered in the waitress' ear, "Just give her one of everything. She'll probably fall for it."

"WHAT YOU SAY, WORMY?"

"Nothing, honey."


Voldemort stumbled into his hotel room, exhausted. What time was it? It seemed to take forever for the chef at the restaurant to cook all of Olga's food, and despite the fact that it took Olga only ten seconds to devour said food, it had to be incredibly late. Suddenly his rock hard bed seemed like heaven. He lay down and began to drift off to sleep...

Beep! Beep! Beep! It's seven a.m.! Time to get up! Beep! Beep! Beep!

"Crap...," said Voldemort, picking up his alarm clock and chucking it against the wall. It continued to beep.

"Crap!" he said again, sending a Bombarda toward it.

Beep! Beep! Beep!

"CRAP!!" he screamed, finally getting up to face a new day.