Hey everyone! Thanks so much for your reviews and for your patience with this update! You have my amazing, wonderful beta dazynl8 to thank; I had a lot of hang-ups with this chapter and she helped me out a lot. Yay for betas!
Ok, have a fun time now!
Chapter 9
Wrestling
It's a little like wrestling a gorilla.
You don't quit when you're tired - you quit when the gorilla is tired.
~Robert Strauss
Naruto bounded through the forest, making his way as quickly as he could towards the central tower. He hadn't been able to locate any of his (so-called) friends, so he decided to just get the hell out of Dodge. Still, he was disturbed at his lack of ninja know-how; usually, he had excellent tracking skills, but today, he couldn't find a single member of team seven to save his soul from the Death God. It must just be my crappy state of mind...I can't concentrate at all, the blond ninja thought glumly. His mind kept turning towards his, quote, 'shit-head' teammates. And it seemed that his rambling thoughts— or, in the parlance of the perturbed blond, his 'mental diarrhea'— made him rather clumsy. He had ten stubbed toes to prove it.
Thank Kami, our hero sighed mentally, there it is! Indeed, the tower— his sole place of refuge and the end of his suffering— loomed largely in the distance. But his relief didn't last long: a low menacing growl startled him out of his thoughts. Naruto spun around only to find himself facing three feral tigers, spittle falling from their barred teeth.
It was just Naruto's luck—while Yamato had been frantically scouring the forest for rabid tigers in vain, Naruto, who only wanted to be left alone, stood facing these decidedly unfriendly beasts himself. Of course, Yamato would have been disappointed that he, personally, had not procured said tigers from the perilous nooks-and-crannies of the forest; nevertheless, the former ANBU agent surely would have been pleased that rabid beasts were currently torturing Naruto, albeit without Yamato's actual help.
"There, there- good kitties!" Naruto anxiously murmured.
Three growls met his statement.
Naruto gulped. It was going to be a long afternoon after all...
Sasuke was in a lovely dark place, ensconced in a sleep so deep no dreams could disturb it. Small pinpricks of light, which Sasuke assumed where stars, were orbiting around his head. Ah. Sweet, deep sleep. Thank Kami... It had been weeks since he had slept this well...
However, a high pitched she-banshee was calling his name, "SASUKE, SASUKE!", over and over again. Despite his best efforts to stay in the womb-like darkness, he found himself slowly being drawn up and out of blissful unconsciousness and into the harsh light. With a sorry sigh he cracked on eye open—
And promptly broke into hysterical laughter.
"Nani, what's so funny?" an irate Hinata moaned.
Sasuke managed through his guffaws, "H-Hinata! Your face! OMFG, your face!"
"You are one to talk ass-wipe, I think there is a barbed cat penis drawn on the bridge of your nose."
"Ok, but you totally have a pair of boobs drawn on your forehead."
"Moron, the testicles on your cheek are as big as oranges and are decorated with spiky hairs...like, ew."
Sasuke winced. "Ok. You win."
Hinata just rolled her eyes. "Idiot. Neither of us win; Sakura has both of our bells, that she-devil. Damn. We've just been had."
Sasuke had never felt more pathetic in his life. Here he was, bound to a tree with the village stalker, while the love of his life was being stolen by a woman who liked to act like a gay male prostitute. Dear freakin lord. He closed his eyes and leaned his head against the tree, and with a sigh explored the bindings as well as he could. Unfortunately, the person who had incapacitated them (Sasuke incorrectly assumed that it was Sakura when in fact it had been Yamato) was extremely talented with the shinobi knot system, and it would take them a good hour to break free of their ropes. Hinata noticed his subtle motions and began wiggling around herself, and then slowly, slowly, she began to unwind herself as best she could.
"You know," she began as she nudged her knife out of her pouch and started to work the knots free, "we sure are blind for two ocular doujutsu users."
"Hn." Sasuke was not in the mood for talking; he would rather concentrate on the task at hand, and from there to find Naruto, than to talk to the weird, anti-social, Hyuga.
Hinata shook her head and activated her byakugan. "Oi. There's a weakness in these ropes- if you work on the second strand from the bottom on the right side, and I work on the third from the left, we should be out of here in fifteen minutes."
Sasuke, surprised at his fellow captive's ability, nodded approvingly. "That's not bad, the byakugan. I don't think I would have been able to see that with the sharingan."
Hinata blushed slightly as she frayed the ropes with her kunai. "Thanks. Although I'm sure the sharingan has its other advantages."
The pair worked in silence for a while, filing away at their bindings. As Sasuke victoriously cut through one strand of the rope, he offered, "I just never knew we had...stuff in common..."
Hinata laughed coldly. "So besides doujutsu...you mean...like having unrequited carnal love for Naruto-kun?"
Sasuke nodded glumly and replied, "Yeah. Like that." He shrugged his shoulders. "Ha. It's just coincidence, you're right. For a moment there I thought you'd be telling me that tomatoes were your favorite food."
Hinata scoffed, "Tomatoes are everyone's favorite food. Sungold cherry tomatoes are nature's candy after all..."
Sasuke's jaw dropped. "Sungolds are my favorite kind of tomato!"
Hinata eyed him askance. "So?"
"And tomatoes are my favorite food! Believe me, not everyone is a tomato fan; in fact, Naruto hates them..."
Hinata's eyes widened. "Huh. I guess we do have a lot in common..."
"Funny..."
The pair continued to work on their bindings in silence for a while.
Just as they were about half way through, Sasuke ventured, "You know, you are a lot more useful than my pink headed teammate. Shino and Kiba are lucky to have you on their team."
Hinata's cheeks became dusted with pink once again. "Thanks. You're not terrible yourself. You're actually pretty ok."
Sasuke nodded— that was probably the nicest thing anyone had ever said about him— and filed through another string of fibers before wondering aloud, "You know..."
"We should totally team up together against Pinkie," Hinata finished for him.
"And after we kick her ass and extract our revenge, then we can duke it out for Naruto."
"That sounds like an excellent plan, Sasuke-san." Hinata finally snapped some ropes and began to wiggle with more freedom before she continued, "That betch won't stand a chance against two ocular jutsu wielders."
Soon, the ropes frayed completely; Sasuke rose and dusted himself off, and was soon joined by a grim Hinata.
"We should probably..."
"Go wash our faces off," Sasuke finished for Hinata.
She nodded. "There's a small stream not far off. Let's get this crap off of our faces and then go find that slut-faced ho."
Sasuke strode forward and Hinata followed close behind. As they walked through the forest, Hinata couldn't help but notice what a firm ass Sasuke had...
As her cheeks heated up, she found herself becoming excited at the prospect of going for a little mid-day swim with the Uchiha.
When Sakura finally located Naruto, she found him completely passed out with little swirlies in his eyes. Above his head, strewn amongst the branches of the trees, were three tigers who were equally unconscious. Sakura puffed out a breath of air on the side of her barely parted lips, blowing errant wisps of pink hair out of her sweaty face. Now that she was standing in front of Naruto, she wondered, what should she do?
The answer came to her in a blink of an eye; with a shrug, she took off her shirt and skirt until she was standing in her underwear (though she was careful to conceal all of her bells using henge-no-jutsu to make them look like decorative pom-poms on her bra). "Naruuuuuuuto!" she called oh-so-sweetly. But there was no response. She strode over to the prone boy and stood over him, and began gently slapping his face. "Naruuuuuuuutoooooooo-kuuuuuuun!" she sang, a bit louder this time.
Naruto moaned in his sleep, then finally opened his eyes; he found himself face-to-face with Sakura's cleavage. He blinked a few times, then pinched himself, surprised that he was actually awake; he thought for sure he was having one of those dreams again. "Um...Sakura-chan?"
Sakura fluttered her eyelashes at him while she eyed the orange bell on the lapel of his jacket. "Naruto-kuuuuuun?"
"Where...are your clothes?"
It was then that Sakura broke down in crocodile tears. "Oh Naruto-kun, it was horrible! Yamato-taicho found me while I was swimming, and he totally stole my clothes!" Sakura wailed as she flung her arms around Naruto.
Naruto wanted to push her off, but he was honestly afraid to touch her; after all, she was mostly naked. It seemed like touching her anywhere was horribly inappropriate. But just as Sakura's thieving fingers zeroed in on Naruto's bell, he rose abruptly and shook her off with the sheer force of his momentum. Sakura practically bounced off of him, but landed gracefully on her feet, as if she had intended to fly backwards the whole time.
"Wow Sakura...that's terrible. We'll have to rip Yamato a new one once we get to the tower, ne?" he replied affably, smiling his iconic, idiotic grin.
"Um...yeah..." Sakura really didn't understand why Naruto didn't have an epic nosebleed right then. Am I fat or something? Are my boobs, like, small or...misshapen? God damn, when we were dating, Naruto practically begged me to see my titties! GAH. Alright then. Time to get serious, Sakura thought gleefully to herself. "Oh! Eeek! I think a spider just crawled down my top!" She promptly pulled down the straps of her bra, flashing Naruto her itty bitty titties.
"Oi, I don't see any spider..." Naruto replied casually before sauntering away in the direction of the tower.
Sakura pulled her bra straps back up. Now, she was fucking pissed. Her hands balled into fists, glowing with chakra as she roared, "BAKA, WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?"
"The tower—" However, the dobe could not complete his sentence, because Sakura had just tackled him in a giant, goopy mud puddle. "Ooof. Sakura, dub-o-you-tee-phhhhhh!"
Sakura looked at him, her confusion evident on her face. "Nani? Would you mind properly spelling that out, instead of just using alliterative language?"
"Gah! I said, W.T.F., as in...what the fuck!"
"Ooooooooooh, that's so much better. Um...it looks like I'm mud wrestling you in my underwear...!"
"What—" But unfortunately for our blond hero, it was then that Sakura commenced with the mud wrestling. The fight was fierce indeed: mud flew everywhere, splotching the trees with gooey goodness, flying up to the heavens only to rain back down on our protagonists. The very earth began to shake, and soon, three tigers rained down in the muddy deluge as well, though thankfully, the animals didn't fall on the preoccupied ninja.
Naruto was laughing hysterically. "Oh oh oh, hee hee hee, this mud tickles!"
Sakura arched her eyebrows suggestively. "Oh it tickles, does it!" With a wicked grin, she commenced to tickle her teammate under his arms on on the bottoms of his feet (apparently, his shoes had fallen off in the epic, muddy battle).
"Oh gods, please Sakura, stop, please! Oh oh oh, hee hee hee! Sakura-chaaaaaaan!"
Sakura paused mid-tickle and murmured, "Hand over your bell, lover boy, and I'll stop tickling you right this instant!"
Naruto's face fell, and suddenly serious, he replied, "Hey, come on now Sakura, I can't— Oh gods, oh oh OH, hee hee HEE! Sakuuuuuraaaaaaaaaa!" Indeed, Sakura had begun to tickle poor Naruto-kun once again, this time with renewed vigor and chakra-enhanced fingernails. "Sakuuuuuuraaaaaaa, I'm dyyyyyying, Sakuuuuuuuraaaaa!"
"Hand over your bell and the torture will stop!" Sakura called in a syrupy voice.
"N-Never! Ha ha ha! F-For- hee hee hee! T-That is m-my, ha ha ha! Nindo oh oh!" At this point, Naruto was flailing about wildly, and while trying to grab her arm, his muddy hand unfortunately landed on a very pert breast.
Thank Kami! Sakura thought triumphantly.
Oh Kami! Nooooooo! Naruto mentally wailed.
The two ninja froze in that position...
Just then, who should break through the trees but Sasuke and Hinata.
"HANDS OFF, PINKIE!" they screamed in unison. Naruto, like the proverbial deer in headlights, was transfixed and was unable to remove his hand from Sakura's chest.
"Um...I think Naruto is the one who's got his hands on me..." Sakura offered.
"LET'S GET HER!" the two dark haired, doujutsu wielding, spoiled rich kids cried as they ran forward to lynch their mutual rival in love.
Suddenly, bright flashes lit up the clearing like lightening; the ninja froze.
"OH BOY KAKASHI-SENPAI, YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS!" Yamato shouted as he bounded through the forest, a Polaroid camera in hand.
Sasuke looked at Hinata; Hinata looked at Sasuke. Should they follow Yamato and break his balls for snapping an indecent picture of their common heartthrob with (gasp) that Pink-haired-slut-bag? Or should they proceed with plan A, namely, kick the crap out of Haruno Sakura?
Wordlessly, they nodded and activated their respective ocular jutsu. "Prepare to die, Sakura-no-betch face!" Hinata wailed.
"Yeah, what she said!" Sasuke echoed, the commas in his sharingan whirling menacingly.
Sakura took that moment, while Naruto was still in shock and clinging to her single boob like a drowning man hanging on to a life preserver, to rip the bell off of his jacket and high tail it for the tower.
a/n tee hee. Tune in next time for an epic battle between the forces of awesome (Hinata + Sasuke) and the forces of evil (Sakura-no-slutface!) lol
and if you dare, I did update "Catchphrases" this week; if you want to see some excellent Shikamaru torturing, that's the place to go:)
Thanks so much for reading- please drop me a review and let me know what you think! It helps me to be a better writer; plus your reviews encourage me to update faster, for real! :)
