Sequel to Ch8 of Seirios Aster's Little Lion Man, entitled "Heartbreaker"
Love Song
"No easy way to say this – you mean well, but you make this hard on me … I'm not gonna write you a love song, 'cause you asked for it, 'cause you need one, you see …" ~Love Song by Sara Bareilles
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"I think we need to talk."
Really? The two Slytherin had had a whole week to talk, and Reg decided he wanted to try now? At this point, Barty just wanted to try and smother himself with his pillow in peace, since it would probably be faster than slowly drowning in his own humiliation. Hey – once a Slytherin, always a Slytherin, and reputation was … You know, honestly he wasn't sure why he was so fussed about it. But he knew he did care because he could feel the heat his face had developed since whatever asshole that was in the common room had commented on his current state of health. And since it went all the way from his neck to his hairline, as his blushes were often wont to do … He was pretty certain he was thoroughly humiliated. Hence the drowning in it.
"I—I know you think I'm emotionally retarded or more likely an idiot, but I just wanted to make sure everything was okay between us." Well, clearly Regulus had gotten the point that Barty was a little less than pleased with him, or he would still be skirting around this subject like it was positioned on a bed of hit iron spikes, so obviously everything was not exactly perfect between them … "I know you think I don't—I don't know how I feel, Barty. I really don't. I wish I did, but I don't. And it breaks my heart to know you feel the way you do and think I…" Oh no; Reg, don't do this … Barty sighed mentally, resisting the urge to put his hand on his face. This was probably the biggest reason that Barty never wanted his friend to find out about his feelings; because Regulus was … Well, Regulus. He wouldn't want his friend to feel bad or awkward or anything, so much like when he'd kissed the blond, he would want to try going out or something because of the possibility that he might maybe conceivably be bisexual. It was just painful … This whole situation.
"I don't want to lose you. You're my best friend, and I love you, and I don't want to lose you!" still the blond didn't say anything; he didn't know what to say at this point. He was actually a little hurt that Reg thought that just because he didn't reciprocate Barty's feelings that his fellow sixth year was going to drop him like a bad habit. Even if he could quit the seeker that easily, chances are high that he wouldn't, since he wasn't a complete knob.
"I understand if you want me to leave you alone. You deserve a better friend than me." No; I don't even deserve you at all, you idiot … "Fuck, I find out you've been beaten half to death by some seventh-years, and what do I do? I lash out at them. I don't try and find you. No, that would be too sensible and selfless. Instead, I try to make them pay." That's because they hurt me you idiot; you were being an impulsive teenage idiot. "How do you fucking stand it? How do you stand trying to bloody deal with me?"
"Reg, shut up," Barty interrupted him immediately, voice wavering slightly – he couldn't listen to this. He hated when Regulus started doing this; started telling him how he wasn't worth the flesh he was made up of, trying to explain all of his faults to Barty, even though usually he could just as easily explain anything he said away. Usually his friend backed down when interrupted, so he wasn't worried about that –
"No! No, I will not shut up!" Hazel eyes widened slightly as Barty paused; he hadn't been expecting that at all, and was slightly taken aback by the outburst. He was laying on his back, not looking at his friend, but now he glanced in Regulus' direction, just as the brunet stood up. "I don't understand! How in the hell can you think I'm worth something? I'm a selfish bastard that clearly doesn't give a shit about other people! How can you think…!"
"I just wanted to say I was sorry. Can you ever forgive me?" For a while, Barty laid there, just looking at his friend. He didn't mean to make Regulus squirm, though he knew that the other sixth year probably would because the silence stretched on for so long – he was just trying to choose his words carefully.
"Reg … …" he started, finally, before pausing again … "… … you're an idiot." It was really the only thing he could say; there wasn't anything behind it – anger, or even annoyance, entirely gone. Hell, he couldn't even remember why he was mad at Regulus; it was probably some stupid reason. The closest thing to emotion in his voice at the moment was something like a sigh, if you wanted to count that. And he could see that that was probably not the answer his friend was expecting by the look on his face, but if it looks like a wand and feel- you know what, that was a little innuendo-ish and unnecessary at the moment.
"I guess this is a case of the pot and kettle, but … It's the best descriptor I can come up with on such short notice. Reg, why do you always do this? Work yourself into thinking that you're a worthless waste of space?" pulling himself up, a little tangled in his robes that thankfully, Madame Pomfrey had cleaned once or twice with a charm or two while he was in the infirmary so he didn't feel completely disgusting, he sat instead of remaining on his back. Sitting cross-legged and leaning against the headboard of his bed, he looked at Reg for a moment before he continued, if only to keep his friend from answering.
"Reg, listen – if you keep going on about me forgiving you, you might convince me you did something wrong, which, in light of your most recent arguments, I'd have to say is a lie." Mentally, Barty Crouch Jr. cracked his knuckles; if he wanted Regulus Arcturus Black to knock it off and possibly, maybe, hopefully forget he had found anything out about his poof of a friend, and the fact that the brunet had had a stupid moment for a second, then he would … He didn't know what he'd do, but he was willing to promise something pretty extreme in exchange. The brunet started to open his mouth to say something, but the hazel eyed teen raised a hand to cut him off.
"Just, sit down and let me talk right now, ok? … You're only confused because you want to be confused; when I said I knew I was out of the running because I was lacking in the red hair and breasts department, I wasn't kidding," Barty shook his head slightly with a smile as Regulus did as he'd asked, "and I'll bet that bird you were staring at in Hogsmeade had both, ya?" Yes, he had been paying attention – he usually paid attention when his friend rambled, even if he was trying not to hear him. "You, my friend, are as straight as an arrow, and we both know it, even if you don't want to say it out loud. And that's only because you don't want to upset me, because you're a damn good friend, if horribly daft sometimes ... Sure, you have your days – everyone does. Unlike my dad, I don't think everything has to be completely perfect all the time, or else it equates to utter failure."
"And, I'm flattered – really … But you pretending to be anything that you're not isn't what being friends is about; and I wouldn't ask you to." Leaning his head back a little, he closed his eyes, not looking at Reg anymore. "And I can't fault you for how you are, just as much as I hope you can't fault me for the way I feel … It's not like either of us can help it. It'd be … Really dumb to try." He laughed a little bit wryly at that idea; oh god how he'd tried to help it in the past. The sad thing was that most likely for the rest of his life, or at least until his old man was out of the picture, he'd try to change that part of himself. And he knew that it was like swimming against the current near the end of a river going over a waterfall – it was never going to work. But he'd do it until he exhausted himself trying, and ended up drowning.
"And please – you're a bad friend? At least you don't cast hexes on me when I fuck up a potion," there was a small grin in his expression he couldn't shake. "Which I realize is often, because Potions is a mysterious subject of mystery to me that I will never be able to grasp. I'd rather turn my notebook into a cat any day." Snape-a-doodle, as he had been called once or twice, though seldom to his face, had been … Less than patient during potions tutoring, more often than not, and Barty had made mistakes making a potion more often than not. If he was going to be the potions master someday, patience was something the old boy was going to have to figure out. Or not; he could just beat his students, Barty supposed. Slip some sort of Draught of Forgetfulness into their drinks later so they couldn't tell their parents perhaps? Right; stay on topic Barty; on topic. We're having a serious discussion right now.
"You found out I was hurt and got mad; honestly, I didn't think you had it in you Reg," he opened one eye to look at Regulus now; it was hard to keep his eyes off of him because that made it difficult to gauge how his friend was taking all of this, "I'dve been less … I dunno, surprised and weirdly happy if you had come and found me. Nice to know there's someone around to avenge my untimely death and all. Also, selfless? No; the selfless thing was going after those arseholes after the fact and putting yourself in trouble – it would have been selfish to come after me. Or at least it wouldn't have been so balls to the wall stupid, which is usually not your exact area of expertise." Yes; Regulus was stupid, but not usually so gutsy-stupid; no, that was something that showed up very seldom, if at all.
"And, if you offer to leave me alone until the end of time again, I'm going to pay one of the Ravenclaw beaters you're up against next week to bean you in the face with a bludger whenever the opportunity arises." At this, he crossed his arms, because there was a degree of seriousness to this statement, and he wanted the younger son of the Moste Esteemed and Decrepit House of Black to know that. "I don't deal with you, Reg; I like you – in a platonic sense, I mean. If you ever make me say this again I'll kill you , but you're too stupid-smart for your own good in a weirdly endearing sort of way, usually you're pretty funny, you're loyal to a goddamned fault, and you are probably the most attractive seeker to ever play on a Quidditch team in the history of forever – no joke; I've looked at the pictures in the Hogwarts trophy hall before. You are, like, every teenage girl's heartthrob ... And we will now commence never mentioning again that I said any of that. I just thought you should know."
Yeah; that last part, though he had meant it, and on occasion had rather appreciated that they were both males so that he had some sort of an excuse, not that he needed one, to be present when Reg was changing his clothes … And probably wasn't something he should have mentioned, because now there was probably no way in hell that he was ever going to get away with that again. Well, that is unless Regulus completely forgot what he had been told, which actually was entirely possible … Either way though, he needed to wrap this up before Regulus interrupted him or stopped listening or something stupid, because at the moment at least, he appeared to have Reg's rapt attention.
"In short, Reg, I'm not expecting anything from you – hell, I don't want anything from you," the blond said, still not looking at Regulus. Alright; here was the big one- this was the only thing that he wanted from his friend, and he was hoping to whatever higher power existed up there that it wouldn't be completely out of the question …
"Except maybe to forget the past week or so never happened." After a long pause and a few deep, quiet breaths, he chanced looking at Regulus. A few times the youngest Black had attempted to say something, but Barty had kept pressing on; honestly, he needed to get this out in the open because he wasn't sure how his friend was going to react to any of this. And as such, it all needed to be said, or else it might never get out there. Even if Reg decided that it was too weird to be around Barty or whatever, at least he'd know how Barty felt. In a sane, rational way, and not a drunken letter to his old man kind of way … When next he spoke, he knew there would be at least a hint of begging in his voice, but it wasn't something he could get rid of easily, and he had to say the rest of this now or else he was going to lose his nerve.
"I'll never bring this up again if you won't. And as far as I'm concerned, we never have to have this conversation again if you don't want to." Or even if you do want to.
"Everything is fine with us, if you'll let it be fine."
The End …?
This chapter didn't really end where I wanted it to, but oh well; it didn't do anything I didn't want it to either … So I guess that's a fair trade?
