I felt oddly peaceful when I awoke. This was an odd feeling, really. Even with Genkai yelling in my face, even sprinting around, even sparring, I was too calm for any emotion to show on my face. I felt… Detached. Not like some sort of out-of-body experience, nothing that weird, just a neutrality within myself. It's kind of like the feeling you have while floating in water that is the perfect temperature and it raining and you're just drifting around. It's a nice feeling. I wasn't happy, that's not really the best word for it, I was pondering.
I had come to terms with my arm, I had come to terms with Hiei and I had come to terms with my weakness. All of that strife was standing in a place where it could slide back into the realm of hatred and obsession or it could slide into something better.
I was correct in my assessment for not being interested in settling down or seeking some sort of relationship with Hiei, that was true. I was too energized and ambitious to just sit around as a happy wife, given that I could even get the asshole to look at me like that. If you couldn't guess, he was not the loving type.
So here I was, just pondering where to go. I stood at a crossroads, all of my choices leading down paths I couldn't see and some looked burned, some looked overgrown, some were well-paved, some were dirt foot-paths. I already tried fire and brimstone. I didn't like making the same mistake twice. I already tried the paved road and the easy way didn't suit me. At that moment I knew that I would take the hardest route.
I would take the one that seemed impossible. I blinked and looked to the sword in my hand, going still. That glowing message still flowed down the side, but I found my eyes widening.
When the water calms everything will become clear.
"Angel!" Genkai's rough voice snapped and I looked up, eyes jumping to her form. "You've been distracted this whole match, take a break, get your focus." She ordered.
"Yes, ma'am." I nodded, not questioning her. Ever since I had lost so badly against Yuusuke she had treated me differently. I wasn't certain if the change was good or bad yet, but it was different. Another thing for me to think about.
Ha, I had never been the best thinker. It was ironic that all of the most difficult questions came to me. I walked into the house and retrieved myself some water, sitting on a corner of the porch while staring into the forest. It looked so cheerful in the daylight. I could hear birds chirping and the rustling of leaves and animals, such mundane things. At what point had I stopped caring about those pleasant sounds? When had the sounds of my home, the pleasantries that I had once enjoyed, stopped meaning anything?
I took another sip of the cold water, drinking slowly, the liquid sliding down my throat only when I was good and ready. What would I say if someone asked me what I remembered of home? I looked up at the clear, blue sky and closed my eyes. I would tell them that I remembered parents that tried so hard to love their trouble-maker child, even as I thought bitterly about how easily they gave up. I would tell them about the nice weather back in Britain and the flags that hung everywhere on particular days of the year. I would tell them about the tea and about how bad the scones were.
I would tell them about my house and how the sunshine there was like melted butter. When it shined it was so cheerful. I would silently remember glaring at the sun as they sent me to military school. I would remember how miserable I found it there. I would remember teachers that acted like the parents I wished I could have had. I would remember when I arrived at my grandparent's house after being shipped off again. I would tell them about how nice it was and about the language and about the Sakura trees.
I would be bitter. That was the truth. I was shriveled up inside and bitter. I was bitter about my choices and about my life. I was bitter about most things and only now was I giving up the anger that used to burn inside of me. The anger that I would take out on everything that held the name demon. Demons. Ha, they were more human then I was. I was supposed to be the one that had the better brain and the one who had sympathy and empathy, but I could remember demons who I never asked the name of begging me to spare their companions.
Demons. They weren't any different from us stupid humans, they were just raised differently. Strength meant power and power meant respect. It was a kill or be killed world, but humans were not so different once.
Yes. I would tell the person who asked about home many things, but I would end it with one last thing. I would think so many bitter thoughts, but in the end I was the worst of all. I erased myself from their lives. You don't recover from that. If I reversed the process, what would happen? I didn't know. That was my black magic. That was my darkness. In the end I erased myself from the world, hoping to bury my sadness in anger that lit up everything with flames.
I stared at the shivering water in my glass and it slowly lifted from the cup, spinning only a foot away from my face. How ironic that I used water when I was filled with so much fire. I watched it, letting it flow from one shape to another until it finally settled into two shapes. A mermaid curled around a dragon. I stared at it forlornly.
Hope was a dark thing. I stared at the spinning image, watching the light glitter through the clear water, until a burst of fire suddenly caused my focus to drop and the water splashed back into the glass. I jumped and looked behind me where the fire had originated from and found a frowning Hiei leaning against the door-frame.
My eyes widened and I felt my face redden equally from anger as from embarrassment. He had destroyed my water creation, but why did he even have to see it? Why did I just have the most rotten luck?
"O-oh, Hiei, I didn't see you there!" I said, slapping on a shaky smile and turning around, the glass of water housed in my lap.
"I know." He grunted, then gave me a sharp look as my eyebrow rose. "Don't go getting ideas in your head, I was just walking by." He said and I was confused for a second. Oh, right, he just showed up randomly. Did he show up on purpose? I looked at him, why would he defend himself otherwise? Then I found myself thinking, why would he have shown up? I wasn't hurting myself or anyone else, nor had I screamed or something. I blinked, shaking off the thoughts, I didn't care either way.
"Mmm…" I hummed in agreement and then looked back down to the glass in my lap. The water stopped shaking and I could see myself staring down at it. I blinked. When the water calms everything will become clear. "How are you?" I had originally intended to say some snappy comment, but I wanted to keep the peace between us. I preferred his glare to him storming off in anger. I don't know why, but somehow when he got angry I felt a place in my heart start aching.
He blinked at me, his crimson eyes clouded with confusion. I glanced up at him, but averted my gaze at the feeling of a tug. You see, when souls are bonded if you look into another person's eyes you do a soul-gaze. Eyes are the windows to the soul and all that, and you get a first-class look of the state of the other person's soul, their heart, their spirit. I didn't want to know what mine looked like nor was I interested in knowing Hiei that well.
"I was better before I started having stupid human conversations." He snapped, looking irritated. I was taken aback by the harsh voice then realized that he was embarrassed to have been caught off guard. Well, that makes two of us. At that point I was a bit uncertain of where to continue the conversation when I noticed something out of place.
"You… you're using a different sword." I said, swallowing. Shocked that he could deal with using a dead sword at all, but hurt because that says something about how much a sword that reminds him of me disgusts him. I glanced at my own glowing blade next to me and then avoided seeing it.
"It was stupid." He said, turning away. I felt annoyed that I was even holding mine now and contemplated getting a different one for a moment. I stood up, glass in hand and my sword left behind me.
"Well, excuse me, I should be getting back to training." I said politely and vacated the room quickly. It hurt to walk away from my sword, but how could I touch it when he was there, so obviously rejecting me. My face colored to a deep red as I returned to training, telling Genkai that I wanted to do something else. We were mostly beginning to work some 'martial arts' thing anyway.
She claimed that it would help me cover for my lost arm better so I did it. I put my heart into it, trying to ignore the emptiness that I felt without my bonded weapon. I went until late into the night, continuing to practice all of the new things that I had learned long after Genkai was gone. I walked down the hallway toward my room, contemplating over whether or not I should take shower, when I felt a familiar energy.
I pursed my lips and went into my room, but there he was, leaning against the doorframe to the outside. I narrowed my eyes, falling right back into my foul mood. Oh, there he was. What the hell did he want now?
"Do you need something?" I asked coldly before walking over to my dresser. Frankly, I no longer thought of Hiei as a man and proceeded to begin undressing into my pajamas.
"What are you doing?" He asked, completely ignoring my question. I felt my eye twitch and chanted to myself to keep my temper.
"I'm changing, what does it look like?" I said, yanking off my sweaty pants before smoothly pulling on some tiny, loose shorts.
"With a man in the room?" He asked, sounding both curious and confused and utterly weirded out. Well, it was true that most women cared about things like that. Really, if he was going to do anything to me he was an idiot. He wouldn't get away with it and he was stuck with me. So, he was the exception, I would care with anyone else. "Oh, whatever." He continued, but sounded much less tense.
I was confused for a moment (again) over why he suddenly wouldn't care, but was distracted by him continuing to talk. Wow, Mr. Asshole was chatty.
"I came here to talk." He said shortly, nearly swallowing his words. I was halfway through tearing off my shirt and my mouth dropped open. I pulled it off and leaned around my dresser to look at him. Was he on something, did something horrible happen? Oh God, he wasn't dying right?!
"Uh…" I said, my mouth just lying open. I finally snapped it shut when he fidgeted against the frame, glancing at me. His back suddenly went ramrod straight.
"Put on a fucking shirt." He hissed, his voice sounding a bit higher then normal. I was shocked. Did I really surprise him that badly? Well, attractive blond without a shirt, I think most guys would be surprised. Although the reaction would not work quite like Hiei's. It would be more like 'please, continue removing your clothing'.
I scoffed. Pigs.
"Yeah, yeah, I didn't realize there was a virgin in the room." I teased, calmly changing my sport's bra and slipping on an oversized t-shirt. I could have made it worse by taking out the belly-shirt that matched the miniature shorts, but I'm not that mean. Well, arguments could be made otherwise, but I chose to take pity on the man. I was mean, not evil.
Okay, another debatable subject.
"I'm not a — Look, I just came here to — Oh, never mind." He growled, sounding flustered. I immediately stopped what I was doing as he started walking away and jogged to the door.
"I was just teasing, God, what do you need?" I asked, sounding far more sincere this time. Obviously whatever was bothering him was causing him some problems. As I said, mean not evil. I felt the tiniest amount of pity toward him for the crap I loved putting him through. Just enough to make me run after him, but that was it.
"Here." He snapped and an object was shoved into my hands then he turned and walked off without another word. I squinted at it and flipped on the light in my room. My sword sat in my hands and when I cracked it out of the guard a flame flickered on above it. A mermaid twisting around a dragon, like a ying-yang symbol. I flipped off the light, looking at the glowing sign in wonder. I stared at it until the spell went out.
"Thanks…" I whispered into the air, and somehow I felt like he could hear me. I thought of the symbol again.
Well, perhaps hope is bright.
—
I stumbled into breakfast, thinking that it really was all too early in the morning to be up. I yawned loudly, alerting the other early risers to my presence. I blinked, surprised to find only two others there, then I shook my head at my own reaction. I had gotten up at dawn, I mean, who else gets up that early? It was surprising to find anybody at all.
The two people in question looked up as I walked in and I very nearly walked right back out, but I was freaking hungry. Hiei stared at me, irritated, and I found my heart stuttering at his appearance. He was in a t-shirt and sweats and looked, dare I say it, rather adorable. Red eyes glared up at me (he was sitting at the table), but the edge was taken away because of how sleepy he looked. His black, unruly hair reflected a 'just-rolled-out-of-bed' look and I quickly learned that he was one of those people that looked rather excessively sexy like that.
The normal clothing (rather then that stupid trench coat) reminded me of how attractive his muscles were and even his scowl made his lips look delicious (woah, hormones much). He was eating too, which I had never, not even once, witnessed him doing. I felt my face color and jerked into the kitchen to get myself some breakfast. Oh God, I was sick. I was definitely sick. I had never found him attractive in the least (well, except for- nope, never… much) and I was horrified that could change.
My stomach clenched and I stood, rooted in place, holding a milk carton and staring blankly off into space. What made him seem different? Well, I couldn't deny that I had wanted to slide my fingers through his hair and under his shir- Okay, that was just too much. I did not like him that much, I would never like him that much, he could be as good-looking as he wanted, I had always promised myself that there would be more to the person I would end up with then looks.
Hiei did not have much else going for him. His personality sucked, he lacked charm, he wasn't romantic and we had nothing in common. A voice whispered in the back of my head that I was wrong. We were both swordsmen for one, he could be sweet when he wanted to be, he was actually pretty fun to talk to and, most importantly, he was fucking attractive.
I rubbed my face with my hands. He cut your arm off, Angel. Remember that part? Orders, that part of my brain whispered. I sighed heavily, it was way too early in the morning to be faced with a human Hiei. Why couldn't he always be a derpy demon with stupid hair? What happened to being overly short? I moaned and griped about it until I felt a drip against my foot. I jumped and squeaked, realizing that I had filled my cereal with way too much milk and it was now all over the counter.
I groaned and then started cleaning it up, having to get rid of my cereal. Looking at it now, I wasn't even craving cereal, why did I get it? I growled and cleared it all up, scrubbing off the milk (that stuff gets sticky fast) and then stood back up straight, now fully awake.
"What did you do this time, woman?" A familiar voice growled. A shiver ran down my spine as Hiei's unusually low voice diffused into my ears. Why was he so alluring this morning? What happened to being irritating as hell? I glared at the floor until I felt a stare against my back.
"What? Oh, nothing, just made a mess with the milk." I said, realizing that I hadn't answered his question. Wow, my brain was just dead this morning. Why was I so out of it? Hiei gave me a funny look and I finished making breakfast before returning to the table. I nodded at the redhead across the table. Kurama was nice to be around in the morning. He didn't glare or make snappy comments, he was pleasant and quiet.
Now, if only Mr. Asshole had such a pleasant persona, then we'd be getting somewhere.
"Good morning, Kurama." I said politely, striking up conversation with the non-angry half of the table. Was it really that hard to be pleasant and nice to people. Even I could pull manners out of my butt when I needed them. I snuck a glance at Hiei, but was once again struck by how mundane this situation was. Two of the most powerful demons in existence and we were sitting at a table eating breakfast.
I had to admit that I was a bit starstruck. I really respected Kurama for his strength and cunning and had heard many a story about him. My outlook on Hiei had once been quite similar, but then I met the asshole and realized that he seriously needed a slap in the face from his mother. Seriously, who raised him? Everyone is capable of being nice sometimes.
At least, I think everyone is. I used to believe that, though meeting the red-eyed fiend made me rather uncertain. I mean, was that really able to be nice? Well, I suppose it depends on your definition of nice… Anyway, while Kurama held a nice conversation I kept feeling like I was getting stared at, but every time I glanced in Hiei's direction he wasn't looking anywhere near me. He seemed to be thinking or something, because he seemed pretty unfocused. I knew not to believe that though.
He was always alert, always aware. I had a very similar style of living.
"Is there something on my face?" I finally asked, sighing in annoyance and looking toward Hiei. His cool eyes traveled to me and he smirked.
"And if I said that you did." He asked, I blinked, playful, were we?
"I would be annoyed that you didn't tell me sooner. I'm holding a conversation with an attractive man, Hiei. Like a normal person." I answered bluntly, amused by the eyebrow that raised. Kurama seemed nonplussed by my reaction and I chuckled slightly.
Well, I couldn't blame the guy. I was capable of saying a lot of weird things with a perfectly straight face.
"Very normal." He answered, taking another bite of his toast. I scowled but found myself fascinated by the way he ate, really. I glanced from the corner of my eye, still reeling from the unreality of this whole situation, but enjoying it immensely. I never imagined being able to talk to these people so casually.
"Oh, I never said I was normal, I just said that this action was normal." I pointed out. "All women like talking to people who look good." I pointed out sagely, smiling and nodding. Kurama began to crack a smirk, realizing that I was roping Hiei into losing this debate, but here was the question that needed answering. Did he know?
"Yes, because talking to two insanely powerful demons at breakfast is something normal people do." He said, and then smirked as I rolled my eyes. Yes, yes he did know. Bah.
"Well, I was talking about the attractive part, but yes, you're both demons. Although, if you think about it, so am I." I shrugged, trying to find loopholes in his argument. Damn, he was chatty this morning. This was our longest conversation to date. I was immensely proud of him.
"She has a point, Hiei." Kurama entered smoothly. Ah, he recovered from my shock therapy. I knew that he could make it. I'm talking about my 'attractive men' line of course. I certainly hope that he knows he's hot, because I would be worried if he didn't.
I glanced back at the man in question and found his emerald green eyes twinkling in amusement. He glanced over at my look and winked at me. Ah, I felt nice about myself. The best trait about being a girl, a little attention goes a long way. You can feel nice about yourself for days just because someone smiled at you in the morning.
Well, okay, this was all besides the point. What was up with me this morning? First I reacted to Hiei, then I flirted with Kurama and now I'm having a semi-pleasant conversation with my resident asshole. I tilted my head, watching both men debating back and forth. How did Hiei keep that horrible scowl on his face all of the time? Didn't his facial muscles ever get tired. After all, you use more muscles to frown then you do to smile.
Okay, now I was avoiding the subject. I took a bite from my toast, chewing slowly while thinking. Did something about him change? I looked over at him, inspecting Hiei from head to foot until he sent me a sharp glare. I laughed nervously, then looked back at my own food. Yes, something did change, he's wearing different clothing. Would that make me so nervous though? I said it myself, I didn't really think of Hiei as a man.
Ah! What a frustrating problem! Did I have any dreams that might have led me to think about this? No.
"Gah! There's something wrong with me!" I finally yelled, slamming my hands down and accidentally dumping my seat over backward. "Ahh!" I yelped, tensing as I expected to hit the floor with a painful crash. I didn't though. My eyes snapped open to find Hiei calmly letting go of my chair.
"Idiot, I don't want a headache this early in the morning." He said testily and then got up (apparently done with his breakfast) and evaporated from the room.
"Someone's feeling sociable." I said sarcastically, staring at his empty seat with a flat expression. I felt annoyed that he wasn't in the room for some reason.
Something was wrong with me. Something was definitely wrong with me.
"Apparently." Kurama commented, I glanced over at him only to find him sizing me up quite avidly. My face began to heat up and I looked away again.
"What, was it something I said?" I asked, feeling an edge creep into my voice. He smiled passively, but I saw the mischievous grin on his face and started feeling nervous. The stories weren't wrong, he really was a plotter. I could practically see the gears whirring in his head. What did he think about? What was he thinking about?
"Well, I was just thinking, it's Hiei's hundredth-and-twenty-fifth birthday today isn't it?" He asked, glancing coolly at the empty chair where the aforementioned man had been. Both of my eyebrows rose and I slammed my hands on the table again, standing abruptly.
"He's one-hundred-and-twenty-fucking-five!" I screeched, my blond hair that was sticking up everywhere because of bed-head only accentuated the comical effect of my shock. "And people thought I looked young." I snipped, collapsing back onto my chair and crossing my arms. I was irritated now. That stupid, idiotic kid was seriously five times my age? That was so stupid! Why was he still so immature?!
"We're demons, Angela. We age slower." He commented dryly. I felt my face color, but that was still excessive. "Converting it to human years he's about… Eighteen." Kurama finished. I blinked and stared at him blankly. I blinked again.
Eighteen.
Eighteen?
"Eighteen?!" I yelled, my voice peaking again, and then I dissolved into a fit of giggles. "I don't know if that makes him a pedophile or me a pedophile." I laughed, my cheeks bright red from laughter. If you didn't know why I was laughing I would probably look drunk. It was too weird though. Why would today, Hiei's birthday, make him seem different to me.
"You. Even if he has lived about five times your life span he's never been in a serious relationship." He said. I glanced at him and my eyes narrowed. He was implying that I had been in one, but that was long before I met any of these people, how would he know that?
"I've never been in a relationship at all." I said, my eyebrows furrowing in bewilderment. His face was priceless. His green eyes went wide, then he raised an eyebrow and looked quite flabbergasted. I had never thought that I would see such an expression on the great Kurama's face. I held back a laugh and started feeling lightheaded from the pressure in my face until it finally exploded from my mouth. His chuckle was heard too.
"Sorry, I just assumed…" He trailed off and I suddenly knew that he knew that I was lying. "Well, it's not like it matters." He continued pleasantly and I nodded in agreement. We went off into some small talk, but an overlying tone colored the chat. One, what did he know about me that he wasn't telling? And two, why was he interested in knowing anything at all?
I let the question stir in my brain, but soon decided that it wasn't important at the moment. My brain was already reaching its limits and it was only seven in the morning.
—
Throughout the day my original spike of freakishly weird passion had mellowed out. It wasn't any less annoying, I had just shoved it into the far corners of my mind where I could ignore it. Why did I suddenly get annoyed enough to do so, you might ask?
Well, it all started when I went to go take a cat nap (thinking that it was just lack of sleep causing my problems) and while napping I had a nightmare. It started out with blood and monsters (like most of my dreams did), but then it went out on a path that horrified me. Hiei was in my dreams. It all started in a room with disgustingly floral wallpaper…
I was disgusted. The whole room smelled like roses, not nice roses, no, it was the kind of scent you find in funeral homes because the body smells nasty and there has to be flowers everywhere to cover up the stench. Yes, rotting bodies and roses. Yummy. On top of that the walls were covered in an excessively tacky wallpaper with miniature roses and pinstripes in obnoxious, yellowing colors. To put it lightly, I was disgusted.
The old, wooden door creaked open and a tall woman with platinum blond hair walked in. Her tall heels clicked on the polished, wooden floor (the only nice part of that nasty cell) and I looked up from where I was curled in a chair that had equally disturbing floral patterns all over it (it didn't match though, these flowers were blue and orange). There were suspicious stains on it that I did not want to question.
This room had a history of some sort. I could feel people overlapping with people and even though only me and this women were in the room I wanted to scream and jump out of the window that was too grimy to see through. I learned later that it had been rusted shut anyway. Well, there were so many horrid knicknacks that I probably could have broken it open. I contemplated doing so when the echoing clicking stopped.
I felt like that repeating noise had been the countdown to a verdict of some sort and now that it had stopped the wait was over. The judgement would be delivered. I looked up slowly, closing a dusty book that had been written backwards and upside-down. I had found it on one of the many badly painted white bookshelves that sagged under the weight of many useless items strewn around the room. The sound echoed in the silent cubicle.
A moment ago there had been murmurs and the sound of cars rushing past outside and flickering colorful lights, as if a party were going on just out the window but I was locked in here for something I didn't know that I did. As I swallowed and looked up to the voluptuous woman I wished that the noise would come back. I could feel her harsh stare on me and I cringed when I saw her face. Deep blue eyes stared back into mine, a perfect imitation of my own irises, and I shrank into the cushions.
Those eyes were judging and harsh, sharp and terrifying. I felt like they were going to rip out my soul and scoff before tossing it into the trash with a laugh. Don't misunderstand though, this woman was beautiful. She was tall and had pale, creamy skin, with long legs and a long neck and perfectly manicured fingernails in flaming red. A long, silk, red dress tumbled from her like a waterfall, framed by silver bangles and silver-blond curls. That was my mother.
I glanced back toward the grimy window and wished that I could see the sunlight, feel the warmth. The entrance of that woman caused the temperature in the room to drop; it made me nervous to be caught in the same room as her. It wasn't that she… hated me, it's just that she, well, she wasn't always very nice. My mom, no, my mother held me to high standards. Standards that I couldn't often live up to. She felt so very far away from me. Even in this stuffy room with its piles of things crowding the open space, she still seemed miles away from me.
"Angela, why are you not at dinner?" She asked tersely, her voice perfectly pleasant and yet quite frosty.
"I'm not hungry." I answered in the same tone, holding my mother far away from me. I didn't want her so close as to become something that was going to hurt me in the future. She was fine now, but it didn't always work that way. Sometimes she could become harsh and cold, as I were some sort of juvenile delinquent, not her daughter.
"We have guests to entertain." She prodded, not letting up on me. Her stare became even more vivid. I cringed and shied away, frowning. This wasn't me, I wouldn't act like this. I kept telling myself that and yet I bent to my mother's will time and time again. What did I want from her?
"I don't feel well." I said, making excuses. Odd, I had thought that I was locked into the room. I locked myself in by choice then. Why would I want to do that?
"Oh? Well, then I shall have to invite this family over another time." She said, touching my forehead. It was overheated, but because of nerves, not any kind of sickness. I shifted uncomfortably, fidgeting with my fingers. They were bitten down to stubs again; I just couldn't seem to control the urge to bite when I was nervous or thinking about something.
Her eyes grew colder, if that was even possible, and I knew that the worry wasn't real. She was irritated with me for not showing at the party. She continued to look me over for another moment and then walked out of the room with a backwards wave and a quiet goodnight. The lights turned off, the lock clicked, I let out a breath I hadn't known I'd been holding and my lungs stopped burning.
I blinked and the room twitched like a bad movie and I shook my head. When I opened my eyes I was not in the same place. I was staring at a mirror edged in stainless steel and mounted on a very white wall. The room was the same shape, it had the same door, but everything was white and black and gray, circles the only decorative pattern. There wasn't a wink of color there, no knicknacks, no backward books. The shelves were lined with textbooks and dry nonfiction, the bed was perfectly made, the window was clean and perfect. It looked out on a street that didn't care at all about the girl staring into it.
I stuck out like a sore thumb in my antiseptic room. I wasn't pale with black hair, I was tan and blond, deep blue eyes set in a baby face. I was fifteen
