Gillian put the light out and leaned over her husband to give him a quick kiss, then she snuggled up against his side, pressing her face into his pillow just beside his head. It smelt like his shampoo. "Can we talk?" She asked softly.
"Always with the talkin' in bed."
"You love it when I talk in bed," Gillian responded on a pout. She felt the slight shift, merely sensing it, of her husband's cheek as he grinned.
"That is true," he conceded. His hand shifted to rest on her left thigh. He tightened his fingers a little and then shifted it around the curve and shifted it higher so his palm was resting on a buttock. Gillian's arm shifted so her hand covered over the bare skin of his forearm; the hairs on his arm were soft. He gave her another squeeze. "Go on then."
Gillian shifted her hand, smoothing it over his chest to curl around the edge of his rib. "We've been working together for twenty years now."
"Feckin' balls!" Cal exclaimed, shifting to sit up.
Gillian chuckled to herself as she mimicked his position, leaning on her right elbow. Not that either of them could really see the other.
"Are you kiddin' me?"
"No," Gillian responded easily. "It's been twenty years."
"Did I forget an anniversary?" Cal winced in the darkness.
"No," Gillian reassured him, reaching out to squeeze his shoulder comfortingly. Twenty years of working together, fourteen years of being together; she didn't need light to know how he propped himself up in bed when facing her like this. "That wasn't really my point anyway."
"What is your point then luv?"
"We've been working together for twenty years," Gillian started again. "And Owen's starting school in a few weeks."
Cal threw himself back against his pillow, bouncing slightly, jostling the bed. "Yeah. God it's hard to believe. The wee man is off to school."
"I want to do something different," Gillian cut to her point, aware she was leading him around the long way and letting him get distracted.
"Huh?"
She felt his head turn towards her against his pillow. She leaned down again, so she was resting on his chest, her hand under her chin to soften the blow. "I want to do something different now," Gillian repeated.
"With the Group?"
"Maybe. I was actually thinking about... maybe... counselling."
"So not with the Group then." They were both silent for a moment. "So you've obviously thought about it a bit?"
Gillian nodded awkwardly. There was probably no point in watching him avidly when she couldn't see his face, but she was still compelled; after fourteen years she was still compelled.
"Is this to do with Ria?"
Gillian was quiet for a moment. That was answer enough and they both knew, but still, she said, "partly." Because there was more to that story than just a straightforward desire to make the woman feel better after what had happened to her husband. "It's more about wanting to help people Cal. To be there for them." That was why she had gotten into psychology; that and a desire to understand her father.
"And you're there for them so much you're not here for our family."
Gillian took a slow steadying breath. He needed time to process, that was all, she didn't need to immediately launch into an argument with him. What he was hearing right now was not her trying to express she needed a different challenge, but that she was bored. What he was hearing was not that she wanted to branch away from the Group but that she was abandoning him. What he was hearing was not that she wanted to grow their business standing, their material wealth, their reputation, but that she was walking away from their business. "I don't think that's fair."
"I know you Gill," Cal told her sharply. "You find a project and you latch on to it and you just... you... you... you dive in with both feet."
"Like I did with you."
"Yes! That's exactly it. I'm not gonna sit by like Alec and let you go."
"Is this... are you suggesting I would get caught up with another man? Like I did with you?"
"No," Cal nearly scoffed. "Not a... man." The hesitation was slight, but Gillian heard it; this was her territory after all. "I just mean..." He stopped suddenly. "No, neva mind. I don't mean anythin'."
Gillian almost laughed at his abrupt change of tune, but that was just because she was surprised. "What?"
"Nothin'."
"No go on," she urged.
"It makes me sound selfish and petty."
"What's new?" Gillian teased.
"Hey!" His hand came out to grip her.
Gillian laughed. "I'm kidding! Tell me your pettily selfish thought."
"No," Cal pouted. "You'll laugh."
"I won't. Promise."
He sucked in a breath and mumbled: "You'll neglect me and the boys. Which is stupid," he went on quickly. "Cos you work now and it's fine and everythin' but it's just if we're not in the same place I don't know if we can survive it; not seein' you every day."
"You will see me every day. I'm not talking about moving out of the house. The boys will see me exactly the same amount of time. They'll still be in school all day."
"Me then. I like workin' with you Gill. You know that. I've told you that."
"Yes you have and I like working with you too..."
"Then why are you tellin' me you don't anymore?"
"I'm not telling you that. Listen to me..."
"I am listenin'!"
"No," Gillian corrected firmly. "Listen."
Cal huffed softly, like he was trying to suppress it and Gillian suspected there could have been an eye roll thrown in there. She waited for him to calm down a little bit more so he would actually listen, not just to the words coming out of her mouth, but the meaning behind them; to listen to what she was actually saying to him. And while she waited she wondered if they could only ever have a conversation in the dark, when neither of them could see the other's face. If she had sat him down for this discussion in daylight, would he react in the same way?
"What you're sayin' is you're bored."
"No," Gillian tried again. "Not bored. But looking to do something different, something more than what I'm doing now. The Lightman Group runs itself and you don't need me to be there and I want to do something... I want to help people. That's why I got in to psychology in the first place and I've put it on hold to be with you, which I loved and don't regret a day of and now I feel it's time to... move forward again. I just want to move forward again."
"Is this because Owen's off to school and your role as a mutha is about to change?"
Sucker-punch from the southpaw.
"No," Gillian tried.
"Come on," Cal coaxed gently.
"No that's not fair," Gillian talked over him. "Maybe the timing is fantastically coincidental but... all right so maybe a little bit of it is Owen and yes, maybe a little of it is to do with Ria as well, but this is what I was doing before I met you Cal. This is what I aimed for since I was seventeen and actually figured out what I wanted to do with my life." She felt Cal sigh beneath her hand. She wasn't leaning her chin on it anymore but was still close against him.
"Tell me again what you want to do?"
"I'm thinking a few days a week..."
"Just a few days?"
"Yes, just a few days. Two." Because Cal did better with certainties. Maybe three days. "Part time. I'll still be home for the boys after school."
"Best laid plans Gill."
And she knew what that meant. She had a tendency for wanting to rescue, for answering calls in the dead of the night, for running after teenagers on the street, coaxing them into a warm shower and a hot meal. And that would cut in to her life at home. But how else was it meant to go? If she didn't care, then who would?
"You do it too Cal," she accused gently. "It's all right for you but not for me?"
Cal was silent for a long moment. "That's a fair point luv."
And then she realised. He was afraid. He was afraid she was going to run off like he used to, get herself into something she couldn't handle, like he used to, and get herself caught up in something dangerous, like he used to; hurt, like he used to. He had changed for her. Not because she had asked him to, but because he had realised that what they had was too important to the both of them for him to screw it up. Didn't mean the universe didn't have other plans for them; head injuries and abductions and two difficult births; a son hard of hearing and the other born two months prematurely. It didn't mean one or the other of them hadn't flipped out and done something stupid. But it meant he had made a conscious decision to choose her. And now it sounded like she was saying she didn't choose him anymore. At least in his mind it did. She got it now.
"But I just..." he stumbled over the words he wouldn't dare say aloud. He wouldn't ever suggest she couldn't handle herself, or compartmentalise, or really neglect her family.
Gillian smoothed her hand over his jaw, curled her fingers around his ear, shifted closer to kiss his lips briefly. "Why? Why are you so afraid?"
"Because I love you. Because I'm in love with you," he added. "Too much."
