When Times Are Tough

Chapter 9

It was only six o'clock when Roy woke up the next morning. He hadn't worked in weeks but his body still told him to get up just as he would have if he had been on duty for the day. Lying there in the quietness he could hear the rhythmic sound of JoAnn's breathing. He rolled her direction to watch her. I am a lucky man.

Roy reached over and put his arm around his wife, pulling her close to him. She snuggled in, a hint of a smile coming across her face, but she did not fully wake up. The alarm clock would be going off soon and JoAnn would start her daily routine of waking the kids, preparing breakfast and getting the kids ready for school.

Roy admired his wife more than she could ever know. Unlike a lot women out there these days, JoAnn was not concerned with "women's lib" stuff. Not that she was against it or anything. She felt women deserved equal rights and that they should be accepted equally in the work place if that was where they wanted to be, but she liked being able to stay home with the kids. And if she had had a regular job, she wouldn't have gotten to spend so much time with Roy, given the crazy hours of firemen. She chose to be home for her family.

He marveled at what a strong woman she was. He thought she was amazing. She gave everything of herself to be a wife and mother and never complained. Roy couldn't have asked for a better mother for their children. She encouraged their children and brought out the best in them. Although neither parent was above giving an occasional spanking, it was rare that they needed to. There was such a respect between all of them that a simple discussion generally brought about the desired change in behavior along with a reasonable portion of remorse on the offender's part. JoAnn had the patience of a saint. It was rare indeed that anything involving the children would frazzle her.

Even more amazing to Roy was how JoAnn handled being a firefighter's wife. He knew it was not easy on the wives, yet JoAnn always handled every crisis with patience and grace. She never panicked and she was always there to be strong for the wife, girlfriend or mother of any injured fireman, offering encouragement and support. She made it a point to take the new ones under her wing. And even these last several weeks, while Roy had been so beat down by the pressures of his job, while he made one of the hardest decisions of his life, she was there supporting him. She didn't try to make his mind up for him. She simply offered that what ever he decided, they would get through things together and make it work.

"JoAnn DeSoto, I love you," Roy whispered in his wife's ear. She pressed in tighter against his body as if to say, "I love you, too."

"Honey, I have to get up. I have important business to take care of today. The alarm is going to go off in just a few minutes."

"I know, I know," she said. "Let's just lay here a few more minutes. It feels good here in your arms."

"I was enjoying this morning so far myself," said Roy. "But just a few more minutes. It's a school day."

About five minutes later the alarm clock went off. JoAnn rolled away from Roy to reach over and turn it off. She put on a robe and started to head for the kitchen.

"Annie, why don't you take the first shower? I'll get the coffee going and start rousting the kids out of bed."

JoAnn smiled. "Okay, thanks honey. That sounds wonderful." She knew their little plan had worked last night. Roy was more relaxed and happy than he had been in a long time. For the most part, he only called her "Annie" when he was in an especially good mood. I sure hope he has made the right decision, because he will have to live with it.

When JoAnn went into the kitchen, she found her children eating eggs and toast with glasses of orange juice. A large mug was next to the coffee pot waiting for her. Roy was just re-entering the kitchen from the laundry room. "Good morning, Beautiful," he said and winked at his wife.

She smiled back at him. "Thank you. That was a very nice start to my day."

"You're welcome. I'm glad you enjoyed it. But now I've gotta hustle. I still need to shower and shave and get to the chief's office."

"Don't let me slow you down. Did you eat or do you need me to fix something while you get ready?"

"I ate, thanks." Roy headed to the shower, smiling happily to himself.

A short time later, Roy emerged from the master bedroom, freshly showered, shaved and looking quite handsome in a long sleeved, light blue dress shirt and tie, gray slacks and a matching sport coat.

"Daddy, you look handsome." Katie said.

"Thank you, Princess." Roy said. "You have good day at school." He hugged his little girl and kissed her on the forehead. He went to Chris and gave him a hug. "You too, Champ."

The kids bid their father goodbye. Mom's goodbye was a bit more intense.

Roy was already waiting when Chief Hauts arrived at his office. The secretary had already given him a cup of coffee and he was enjoying it while making small talk with her.

"DeSoto," Chief Hauts interrupted. "You're early."

"Yes, sir. Sorry. I don't mind waiting." Roy apologized.

"Nonsense!" Chief Hauts responded. "I like a man with a purpose."

"Thank you, sir." Roy said, humbly.

"Come in to my office, make yourself comfortable." Looking at his secretary, "Tracy, can you please bring me a cup of coffee and a warmer for Mr. DeSoto?"

"Certainly, Chief, one moment," she answered. A moment later she had come and gone, closing the door behind her.

"How have you been feeling, DeSoto?" the Chief asked.

"Fine, fine. I've been kind of taking it easy. Had a lot of time to think about things."

"Good, good. I'm glad to hear that. You know how important you are to the department, I hope."

"My friends made a point to show me." Roy answered.

"Good. Then you've made a decision?" Asked the Chief.

"Yes, sir, I have." He answered. "I know that there are certain "rules" in this job. One of the most important being what we call "rule number one."

"Ah, yes, 'Never get emotionally involved with a patient'," the Chief finished for Roy.

"Yeah, that's the one. The problem is, sometimes it is impossible not to make a connection. No matter how hard one can try, there are times that nothing can keep that connection from forming."

"Roy, I've been around a long time. You don't get to be Chief of the Department unless you've been around the block a few times," explained Chief Hauts. "You are right, sometimes there is no getting around it. Someone triggers a feeling or a memory and you can't help yourself. It's part of being human. It's called compassion and it's what makes you good at what you do."

Roy was biting his lower lip, listening closely to what the Chief had to say. He had come to the same conclusion himself, but the affirmation was comforting and appreciated.

Hauts continued. "The challenge is to deal with it and move on. That is why we have crisis counselors and our employee assistance program available. The Department is here to support you in any way possible."

"Yes, sir. Thank you." Roy said. "And it has helped me a great deal. When I lost that little girl all I could think about, all I could see as I replayed things in my mind was my own little girl. And I didn't save her. I admit that scared the hell out of me."

It was the Chief's turn to listen intently, a concerned and sympathetic look on his face.

Roy continued. "After counseling and lots of time to think about it, I came to the conclusion that I could no longer be a paramedic." Roy could see the disappointment and surprise on the face of his Chief. "But, I thought about putting in for a promotion to Engineer. I was up for that promotion a few years ago and I know I could pass the exam again."

"Well, DeSoto, we would hate to lose you as a paramedic, but I am sure you would make a fine engineer. You're a well-seasoned man with a level head. And the promotion would be well deserved."

"Thank you sir, but there's more."

"Okay, spit it out, DeSoto."

"Well, as I said, I thought I could no longer be a paramedic. But the truth is, my friends got together yesterday and did something really terrific. They made me remember why I became a paramedic in the first place. And the time they spent with me made me realize how much I miss them, miss the station and miss my job."

"So what do you want to do about it?"

"Well, sir, I brought some paperwork with me and I had hoped you would sign it and finalize things before I change my mind." Roy reached inside his coat pocket and pulled out a neat bundle of papers, unfolded it and laid it on the desk in front of the Chief.

The chief sort of frowned, adjusted his glasses then took a closer look at the paper work Roy had presented. He studied it carefully; making sure everything was in order. After what seemed like forever he looked up at Roy.

"Are you sure this is what you want to do?" he asked. "Once this is signed and submitted, it's a done deal."

"Yes, sir, yes I am sure." Roy answered with determination. "Without a doubt it is what I want… What I have to do."

"Okay then." Hauts signed the papers, folded them back together and handed them back to Roy. "You can leave them with Tracy or take them to HR directly, whichever you choose."

"Thank you, Chief. And thanks for taking the time to meet with me this morning."

"You're welcome. Good luck to you, Son."

Roy got up, shook hands with the Chief then walked out of the office. He asked Tracy where he should leave his coffee cup and she took it from him. Then he handed her the papers from his pocket. "Chief said you could process this for me," said Roy.

"Of course." She said. "Are you okay?" She couldn't quite read the man in front of her.

"Never better!" he answered, winking at her. Then he turned and walked out, feeling as if the weight of the world had been lifted off of his shoulders."