The diner is way too public, and my house feels like such a sore spot with the remodel and the life we should be living, so we decide on meeting in the honeymoon suite behind the inn. It sounds crazy, I know, but we've actually never spent time in there. We've had the occasional quickie in one of the rooms inside the Dragonfly over the last two years, but we never made it out here. It is secluded and on somewhat neutral ground, the perfect setting for us to finally say what we need to say to each other.
In the week since our blowup, Luke and I have talked about why we did what we did and even went as far as to apologize for it. We haven't, however, discussed what we need to do to secure our future as a couple. I want more than anything to be able to move past this, but I can't if things end up going back to how they were.
After Luke's freakout over seeing Christopher in my office (and my freakout that followed), he decided to head back to the diner but promised to meet me back here at six. I unlock the door at five till and sit patiently on the bed, collecting my thoughts and preparing myself for what needs to be said. A few minutes later, there's a knock on the door, and Luke opens it slowly. Suddenly I realize that me sitting on the bed may seem too intimate, so I quickly stand and opt for the oversized armchair in the corner of the room. Luke sits across from me on the love seat and stares down at his hands, playing with them nervously.
"How was the rest of your day?" I ask, breaking the silence.
He nods slowly, still looking down. "Fine. Taylor came in wanting everyone to sign up early for the stupid Crazy Festival, but other than that, it was fine."
I can't help but grin at Luke's everlasting disdain for the town festivals. "You mean the Lazy, Hazy, Crazy Festival? That's not for a few months."
Luke looks up at me. "You know Taylor." He sighs before continuing, "About earlier…"
"Can I go first?" Luke nods so I go on. "I'm sorry, Luke, that you had to see Christopher. Believe me, that was the last thing that I thought would happen, and I wasn't going to keep it from you, I swear. It's going to be hard for you to trust me when it comes to him, I know that, but you have to know that I was telling the truth when I said that I told him to stay away."
"He told me you said that," says Luke and I'm taken aback. I ask when and he tells me about their confrontation in front of the inn. My heart pounds with fear that he's going to tell me he hurt Chris in some way and that charges would be pressed on Luke for assault. I breathe a little easier when he finishes the story sans any mention of a real physical confrontation.
Absorbing his words, I can't help but feel a little resentment. I keep my voice calm as I ask, "How was it okay for you to confront Christoper but not for me to confront Anna?"
He narrows his eyes slightly. "That's completely different, Lorelai."
"Is it? I went to Anna because I was upset about what happened and you went to Christopher because you were upset. It's not all that different, Luke."
"Christopher doesn't have full custody of your kid. If the conversation you had with Anna went a different way, who knows if I would have seen April again. There's a lot more consequences to your actions."
Looking up at the ceiling, I force myself to blink back the tears that are threatening to escape. "I was only trying to help things, okay? You can't honestly think that I would have caused a scene and jeopardized your arrangement. That's not what our conversation was about."
He nods slowly. "I know it's not. I called Anna last week, and she told me what happened."
I swallow hard. It never occurred to me that Luke would go around me and talk to Anna. Obviously it makes sense, but Luke always seems so afraid of ruffling feathers when it comes to Anna. "Did you two talk about what happened…with us?"
"No, I didn't think she needed to know yet."
I nod as I consider my next move. "Can I ask you something?" Luke says yes, so I ask,"Have her feelings changed about us not being married?"
His jaw clenches and he averts his eyes. The answer is no. "She's worried about April. Part of me understands that, but the other part is so damn frustrated by it. Who is she to call all the shots? Where was she when April was riding all over Connecticut collecting DNA samples from potential fathers?"
Rant mode is coming, and I quickly try to defuse the situation. "I had similar rules when it came to Rory, so I understand her way of thinking, but calling all the shots—especially after keeping April from you all those years—isn't fair. You have rights, Luke. This isn't how it has to be."
"I know, and I didn't think it would get to that point. She told me to keep being consistent, and that's what I'm gonna do, but…" He looks up at me. "I don't want to keep April from you anymore. If we're really doing this, I want you to know her, too."
Hearing those words fills me with so much relief. It's all I wanted this whole time: to be let in. Even if Anna doesn't go along with it, Luke and I are at least on the same page with this topic.
"Can I ask you a question?" asks Luke. I say yes, and he asks, "Why didn't you tell me how all of this April stuff made you feel?"
Tucking my feet underneath me, I consider his question for a moment. "I think at first I was in shock over it all. You of all people had a kid out there, and not only that, you kept it from me. You never lied to me before except for the whole Twickham house thing, and I think something inside me shifted. All of a sudden, swallowing my feelings and keeping the peace seemed easier."
"I asked you at the beginning if you got that we needed some alone time, and you said yes. Why not tell me right then that it was bugging you?"
I start to pick at a loose thread on the arm of the chair. The one time he's referring to was also the one time I saw them together through the window of the soda shoppe. He was so agitated by the scene he was describing that I didn't have the heart to tell him that I was a part of it, too. "This was new territory, Luke. And pushing you didn't bode well for me in the past, so I left it alone thinking you'd eventually come around, but all it did was allow you to get into this rhythm like the creature of habit that you are."
Luke nods and sits back all the way on the couch. "Did I tell you Liz is pregnant?"
My head jerks up, and I stare at him incredulously. "No way. How far along?"
Luke shrugs. "Fairly recent, I think. She and T.J. got into it last week, and I went looking for him so that I could kick his ass." He shakes his head and exhales sharply. "I sat there in a bar spouting on and on about tuning into what your partner means as opposed to what they say and that sometimes they won't tell you what they're feeling. Not for one moment did I think I needed to apply that logic to my own relationship. What does that say about me?"
"That you were distracted, Luke, and I wasn't saying anything, so there was nothing for you to try and decode." I pause briefly. "It scares me, though."
"What does?"
"The fact that you could be that distracted and not see that I was pulling away, that we're no longer in sync with each other, that you were content with living a separate life."
Luke sighs. "My entire world flipped upside down the minute April came into the diner. Sure, she could recommend a scientific dictionary to help me read the DNA report, but where are the books that tell you exactly how to deal with what I'm dealing with? And I know I should have gotten your help, I see that now, but you have to understand that sometimes I need to do things on my own, sink or swim. That's just how I am, and I knew with a little time to find my footing things would get back to normal, but then…"
"I kept pushing the wedding on you," I say, knowingly. Our trip to Martha's Vineyard comes to me, and the conversation we had. The perfect opportunity for me to speak up about everything arose, but I chose instead to focus once again on us not getting married. Are you seeing the pattern? asks the voice.
This talking stuff is supposed to help things, but I feel even worse. We can't change what happened now; it's too late. Dwelling on the past won't allow us to move forward. Luke clears his throat, causing me to look over at him.
"You're not the only one who's scared, Lorelai. The feeling I got today when I saw you two, I didn't like it."
"I know, and I'm sure it'll take some time before you can trust me, but I would never do that to you, to us."
Luke shakes his head slowly. "It's not only about being faithful. How can I trust that you're being honest about how you feel or that you'll tell me when something bothers you?"
"Remember when I said we need to find that balance? That's part of it. Not living separate lives and merging our worlds is the only way to truly reconnect. We used to be so yin and yang, you and me. I think we got a little too comfortable, and we both felt like the work was done, but that's not true. We have to constantly work at this, Luke."
He nods in agreement. "Are you still planning on going away?"
After Luke left the inn earlier, I felt more than ever that I needed to be impulsive and make a quick plan. A weekend away would hopefully do the trick, and I could come back with a clearer head and somewhat of a fresh start. "Tomorrow morning I'm taking the train from Hartford to New York. Just for the weekend, though. A change of scenery, some good food, and gorgeous sights will do me some good."
Luke stares back at me, unblinking. His jaw clenches a few times before he asks, "Are you going alone?"
I nod. "I'm a big girl, Luke. I don't need a chaperone."
"I know that, I…never mind." He rubs his forehead with the tips of his fingers, and I can't tell if it's out of worry or frustration or something else entirely.
"Luke," I say, softly. He looks up at me. "Don't shut me out. I'm being upfront with you, isn't that what we're supposed to be doing?"
He closes his eyes briefly and sighs. "You're right, I'm sorry. It's just that, I don't know, it's only been a week since all of this, and I'm miserable when you're away from me, and I'm miserable whenever we talk about what happened. I hate feeling like this. I don't know what to do to start feeling normal again."
I hesitate for a moment before switching seats next to Luke. Facing him on the love seat, I reach for his hand and pull it into my lap. "I'm feeling the same exact way, and to be honest, I don't know if we'll ever feel normal again." After watching him briefly, I ask, "Do you still love me, Luke?"
"Yes," he answers without hesitation.
I smile. "Okay, and I love you, too. Not all hope is lost, right?"
Luke looks over at me, and the love I feel for him is reflected in his dark blue eyes. I feel my pulse quicken as our gazes stay locked, and before I even know what's happening, his lips are on mine, and I'm straddling his lap.
