Disclaimer: Isn't great that I own the plot to this story? But wait, this story doesn't really have a plot. Hey! So I own nothing! NOOOO!

I feel like a machine when I write these. It's just so natural! I got the idea for this one when I played this song before a football game. For those of you who don't know, I am a trombone master, just like a Jedi.

Now gather round my little brussel sprouts, and listen to this secret tale of a man who lost his temper in public that caused a group of minors to act many levels beyond immature.

Of course, you probably don't know this story, because at the same time, Ron Weasley and Harry Potter flew a Ford Anglia from King's Cross Station in London to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. It was all over the papers, but if you actually read the entire Daily Prophet, you would have noticed a small article about the actually train ride that the two boys missed. This is the train's tale.

All aboard!

The Hogwarts Express was the most normal train around, besides the magic part. It always ran on schedule and it never experienced breakdowns or anything like that. Everyone knew that the train was going to run normally today, but then never realized that Harry Potter and Ron Weasley's absence could cause such a horrible reaction from his fellow students.

On the morning of Sept. 1, 1992, the normal routine of the Hogwarts Express fell apart.

Crazy, but that's how it goes

Millions of people living as foes

Maybe it's not too late
To learn how to love, and forget how to hate

The departure was simple and normal as always. The children finally pulled their heads back from the windows as the train pulled away from London. Everyone was having a grand old time, all but two!!

Hermione and Ginny were searching everywhere for Harry and Ron. They had checked ever nook and cranny for those two and they came up with a big fat nothing. The only possible places they could be now were on top of the train and in the conductor's room.

They decided to split up the work. Ginny was going on top of the train and Hermione was going to the conductor's room. They both had second thoughts about this, but they had to find Harry and Ron! They had no choice since they were only secondary characters, especially Ginny.

Mental wounds not healing
Driving me insane
I'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train

It was pretty windy when Ginny climbed up on top of the train. She stood up carefully and started walking down the length of the train, shouting the heroes' names.

"HARRY!! RON!!! ARE YOU HERE?" Of course, the wind was to loud for anything to here, so she pulled out her air horn and started blaring it in Morse Code.

... .- .-. .-. -.-- / .-. --- -. / .-- ... . .-. . / .- .-. . / -.-- --- ..- ..--..!! She blared the air horn for a few minutes, but the only thing she got in response was the complaints of her fellow students.

Somewhere above the clouds…

"Hey Harry, did you here that?" Ron rolled down the window of the Ford Anglia and leaned out a bit.

"You mean that blaring noise? I heard that too." Harry stopped for a moment when he heard the noise again. He turned to Ron. " Do you think we should check out the train and see if it is coming from there, or do you just want to keep driving up here in ignorant bliss for a little bit longer?"

Ron thought for a moment, and then replied, "Let's go for the later. Besides, my favorite song, Crank That, is starting."

I've listened to preachers, I've listened to fools
I've watched all the dropouts who make their own rules
One person conditioned to rule and control
The media sells it and you live the role

Back on top of the train…

Ginny was about to give the air horn another blast, when she saw the new improvement to the train tracks up ahead. She had heard about the construction of the new track, but she had no idea it was that bad.

"AAAAAAHHHH!!!!" Ginny screamed as the train started doing loopy-loops and hair-pin turns. She continued to hold on for dear life, thinking to herself, when would this horror end?

Meanwhile, outside of the conductor's room…

Hermione hesitated before knocking on the door to the engine room. Nobody answered, but the door was unlocked. You would think she would just let herself in, but Hermione just doesn't do that. That is something Harry and Ron would do.

Mental wounds still screaming
Who and what's to blame
I'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train

Just then, the air horn started going off. Hermione thankfully had extremely bushy hair, which cushioned her ears from the glass shattering noise. That couldn't be said for the conductor because he was extremely bald. He burst through the door in obvious angry, searching madly for air horn. He forgot to notice Hermione though and ran her over as he stormed off to the compartments.

Hermione was fine though. Her bushy hair saved her life once again, cushioning her head from the conductor's boot. She waited until the conductor was around the corner before she snuck into the engine room.

The room was full of all sorts of complicated stuff that ran the train. There was do-dads, thing-a-ma-bobs, and what-cha-ma-call-its. Hermione quickly started looking around, not wanting to be caught by the angry conductor. She wasn't really looking where she was going, because she bumped into a big lever that said 'SPEED' on it.

I know that things are going wrong for me
You've gotta listen to my words, yeah

She picked the worst time to knock into that lever too. That was exactly the same time Ginny stopped blowing the air horn in Morse Code and the same time the train entered the new roller coaster inspired track.

Somewhere above the train…

Harry and Ron were getting annoyed with the ridiculous noise below and were about to go give it a piece of their minds when it thankfully stopped.

"Thank God!" Ron exclaimed, but he took back the words instantly when the crazed screaming started below them.

"Give me a break! First the dumb horn, and now screaming! I can't tale it anymore!" Harry through his arms up in the air exasperated.

Ron patted Harry's arm kindly. "It's okay, buddy. Let's just listen to that new Shania Twain album to calm our nerves."

Harry grunted and settled back into the passenger seat, but soon could stop himself from Man, I Feel Like A Woman with Ron.

Heirs of a cold war, that's what we've become
Inheriting troubles, I'm mentally numb

Crazy, but what do I care
I'm living with something I don't wanna share

Back on top of the train…

Ginny was done hurling for the third time, when the train finally evened out and went along in a straight line. She climbed into the conductor's room and found Hermione spread-eagle on the ground, whispering something.

"Hermione, are you okay?" Ginny asked.

Hermione didn't know Ginny was there, so she snapped her head up in shock. She looked at Ginny, startled for a moment, before she answered, "I'm starting a petition against that part of the train ride."

Mental wounds not healing
Driving me insane
I'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train

The train got to Hogwarts ahead of schedule, thanks to the Hermione's clumsiness and big head. The conductor dragged both Hermione and Ginny to McGonagall right away.

"These two ruined a perfectly good train ride, and I want them punished!" he spat at her. McGonagall eyebrow rose as she listened to the conductor rant about possible punishments to the town girls, but cut him off after a while.

"I understand that the two girls have caused you a lot of trouble, but it wasn't their fault. Dumbledore has taken responsibility of the train ride, since it was idea to change the train tracks. Thank you for telling me. You may go now."

The conductor gaped in horror as the professor and the two students walked into the Great Hall. He trembled with anger and shouted after them.

"You will pay for this! You all will pay for this!" And then, he changed into a giant bat and flew away into the great beyond, never to gain his revenge, because his short attention span made him forget. He lived in England's woods for the rest of his life as a crazy person. Oh well, good riddance I'd say.

I'm sorry it took me so long to update. I'm just so busy with this year's musical, Urinetown, I just don't have to sit down and write another chapter.

I will write another if I get some suggestions for other chapters. (hint hint wink wink)

Murray