I had never been kissed like that.
It was soft, and it was sweet but with passion. It was everything I dreamt of when I was younger.
But I pulled back and cleared my throat.
"You're with Santana."
Britt looked at me in surprise, and she was just as shocked as I was about the kiss.
"I'm sorry...I don't know what happened."
"We kissed. But nothing happened, okay? This...it can stay between us if you want."
"You know I don't...I'm sorry San, I didn't mean to kiss you," she had tears in her eyes and I felt bad. I felt bad because I could see the guilt in her eyes and the hurt.
"I know, Britt. It's okay," I said. Even though my heart was still pounding in my throat and I felt like I was breathing super hard, I realized that I meant what I said. "It's okay. We don't have to tell Santana. It didn't mean anything."
After I had gotten into bed I still couldn't stop thinking about the kiss. I had told Brittany it didn't mean anything and of course it didn't, but it did too. It had been my first, real kiss and I just couldn't forget that.
I'd never thought I'd care so much about my first kiss.
Brittany was my friend. She was there for me, she was the only one. Of course it had to do with Santana — her Santana — but still. She took care of the things I couldn't take care of and she listened and helped when I freaked out. She was a good friend and I wanted to keep it that way.
No matter what I was feeling about that first kiss.
I woke up exhausted but got out of bed before my alarm, and got ready for a new day.
By the time that I was working on breakfast — Britt had taught me a couple of simple dishes — Brittany walked down the stairs and into the kitchen with her smile already on her face. Her fake smile.
"Things aren't going to be awkward now are they?" I asked as a greeting. I could see I had caught her off guard, the smile fell from her face in a flash.
"What?"
"I mean look at you...you're super nervous now," I said, gesturing toward her with the spatula. "Relax. Please? I don't want things to become awkward because I really like you, you know?"
"I like you too. And I'm not nervous. I'm afraid something happens, and I don't want to cheat on Santana with...Santana."
I laughed even though I didn't plan to. "First of all there's two in that situation and don't you think that I would stop you? I mean...I can't even think about it because of my life and it just wouldn't happen just like that," I snapped my fingers and she smiled. "So don't you worry."
"Okay. I won't."
Things were back to normal by Saturday. I get that she needed some time to process and as it turned out, Santana had left a note in her machine telling her that she would be coming to visit today. She was excited to see her again and that made me happy. I had thought of a way that I could leave the two lovebirds alone and I was going to go through with it no matter what.
I would just go to work. Santana had told me that she sometimes went in on Saturdays to make sure everything was ready for the new week. And because I had worked hard the past week I had already done more than I had expected, and so all I needed to do was to make sure that I had all the demo's I was going to listen to in the next week, plus all the other things I needed to do. Maybe I could even work a little, listen to some more songs.
Brittany was up early but I slept in a little, knowing that Santana wouldn't be there until noon and I would stay around to say hi first.
When I got down the stairs and walked into the kitchen Brittany was bopping her head to the beat of her music.
I touched her shoulder and she looked up with a grin, and took her headphones out of her ear. "Are you excited for her to come?" she asked.
"Sure," I said with a smile. "You have coffee?" When she nodded I poured myself a cup of coffee and then sat down opposite of her.
"Do you think if she has a phone there I could call her?"
"I'm not sure but if you don't try you'll never know right?" I shrugged and she smiled.
She was one of the few people that I felt comfortable with. At work, when someone approached me from behind or even from the side I tensed, thinking back on the cage and how I'd lived my life until then. I still had nightmares when someone had me close to a panic attack and Britt usually was there to help me and most of the time, I actually calmed down pretty fast. And that while, just a month ago I was in that cage.
Sure, I wasn't cured. I wasn't okay with most people touching me. When someone approached me I kept a careful eye on them. And then the nightmares, even though less than I had expected, were still unsettling.
"What are you thinking about?"
"Hmm? Oh...just stuff," I said as I blinked and smiled at her. She shook her head with a smirk and gestured for me to try again. "Okay, I was thinking about how I only feel comfortable with you...and that I was surprised that I felt so good when it's only been a month since..."
"It's a good thing though, right?"
"Definitely," I said with a nod.
"Good. I'm glad that you're feeling better."
This feeling I had that something was about to change only came after I'd taken my shower and it didn't leave until around noon, only to be replaced by a nervous feeling of anticipation. I didn't know what to expect and it make me afraid, one of the things I didn't like was change and there was so much changing already.
Britt on the other hand was just excited because I think she knew what was going to happen and she liked it. She didn't seem to have trouble with change at all.
When Santana walked in, I couldn't help but notice the glowing of her skin and the perfect curl in her hair and I felt weird for looking like I did. It wasn't bad, I'd gained weight and my hair was shiny but she looked so good.
But when someone walked in after her, I knew why I'd been feeling nervous.
Now there were two Santana's and two Brittany's in this house.
"I hope you don't mind...she wanted to meet the woman who was going to live with her in a little while."
