Chapter Nine

Riding the Emotional Roller Coaster

"Well, that was fun," Annie said half serious, half joking, as they all resumed their seats around the dining room table.

"Too much fun to suit me," Mattie commented.

"So, where was I?" Xena asked.

As she was trying to remember, Gabrielle said quietly, "You were talking about leaving."

"Oh yeah, I remember now."

"Do you really think leaving is the best way to go?" Hercules asked her.

"I've been thinking about this for a while. And I don't see things getting any better. In fact, I only see things getting worse."

"They don't have to be," Gabrielle protested. "We're here for you, don't you understand that? Whatever we can do, whatever it will take to help you, we're here! We'll always be here!"

"But that's just it, I don't think there is anything that can help me."

"Why are you saying that?" Gabrielle was almost in tears.

"I don't think any of you realize what's going on. I'm – I'm shutting down, or something. Whatever magic Alti used to bring me back is wearing off, or not working any more. I can feel it. I just know it."

Xena suddenly yanked the bandage off her forehead. It was still seeping blood.

"Do you see this?" she said, pointing to the cut. "This should have scabbed over already; it should be mostly healed up by now. But it's not! And the way I think, the things I think about – they're wrong, I know it, but I can't control it. Just like when I threw the Chakram at those bikers – do you know how hard it was for me not to kill them? All of them?"

"But you didn't," Mattie told her. "Whatever was going on in your brain, you controlled it."

"This time. But what about the next time? Or the time after that? I feel like that Altzimer's, or whatever it's called, is taking over my mind."

"Wait a minute," Annie interrupted. "You think you mind and body are … deteriorating? But nothing seems to be wrong with Gabrielle."

"Of course not!" Xena said with particular vehemence. "She's Little Miss Perfect! Nothing is ever wrong with HER!"

Before anyone could respond to defend her, Gabrielle put one hand up and shook her head, silencing them ahead of time.

"Do you really think that?" she asked quietly, the hurt in her voice very obvious.

"I don't know. I don't know a goddamned thing anymore. Except that I know I'm dying. Call it deteriorating, or whatever fancy word you want, but my mind isn't right, and I can feel my body … I don't know, but something is wrong with me; very wrong. And it is getting worse."

Gabrielle got up from her chair and went to Xena, knelt down and put her arms around her, holding her as tenderly as she could. For a moment Xena sat as a statue, then slowly melted as her arms went around her Soul Mate.

"I'm scared, Gabrielle. Help me," she whispered into Gabrielle's ear. "Please."

As they watched, they could see tears squeezing out from Xena's tightly closed eyes.

"I'm here for you," Gabrielle whispered back. "If you still want to leave, I'll go with you. Anyplace you want to go, I'll be by your side, just like always."

Silently, Harry put a large mug of hot, strong, black coffee on the table and took away the quarter full one of weaker, cold coffee. After Gabrielle and Xena released each other and Gabrielle sat back in her chair, Xena drank half the coffee down ignoring the burning in her throat.

After a couple of minutes, Xena said to Gabrielle, "Where I'm going, wherever that may be, I can't take you. I can't ask you to come with me knowing what is probably going to happen to me, both physically and mentally."

"You don't have to ask, I'm volunteering."

Xena shook her head. "I can't let you go. There's no telling what I might … what might happen to you because of me."

"That never stopped you before." Now Gabrielle's voice began to get a hardness in it. "I followed you to Britannia, and ended up as Dahak's bitch, and bore his evil daughter. I followed you to Japan where you let yourself be killed, and then I had to fight for your headless body, and for your head!"

By now Gabrielle was on her feet, looking down at Xena, and was to the point that she was almost shouting.

"So don't you dare ... don't you DARE tell me where I can and cannot go! I was crucified for you! I went to HELL for you!"

Gabrielle's rage had expended itself and she collapsed, exhausted, barely catching herself as her hands hit the table hard, gasping for air. Annie and Mattie immediately went to her, but Xena only sat silently, not moving, as if she were completely detached from what had just happened. Both women led, and half carried, Gabrielle into her and Xena's bedroom and gently laid her on the bed as her panting turned to sobs.

"I'll stay with her," Mattie said softly to Annie.

Annie nodded, then returned to the dining room and absently accepted a cup of the fresh coffee from Harry. Neither Hercules nor Xena had moved or said anything.

"She'll be fine. She just needs some rest."

After an awkward couple of minutes, Xena rose to leave.

"Don't go," Annie said. "I have an idea. A really, really, REALLY bad idea."

"What is is?" Hercules asked.

"I believe Xena is right about Alti's magic. Maybe it was flawed, or maybe she did it on purpose, I don't know. And I'm sure you know better than I do about the long-term potency of Aphrodite's magic. But what if we can get someone whose magic is strong enough? Someone who can transfer souls from one body to another?"

"Ares?" Xena exclaimed, not believing what she just heard. "You want to ask Ares to – to fix me?"

"Do you know of anyone else? Any other god who might be willing to help; who might be able to help?"

Annie looked at Hercules questioningly.

"Maybe he would, maybe he wouldn't. I have no way of knowing. I guess it would depend on what he could get out of it."

"Do you know how to get in touch with him? It couldn't hurt to ask. All he could do is say no."

Hercules shook his head. "I wouldn't know how to begin to find him."

"What about Aphrodite? If you could get in touch with her somehow, I know she could find him."

"You know," Xena said, "it used to be all we would have to do is call for him and he'd show up."

"I know. But that was back in Greece when he was never that far away. But don't you remember right after you got here, you yelled yourself hoarse calling for him?"

"Just a thought."

"So how about it? Think you could scare up Aphrodite somehow?"

"I don't know. I suppose I could try a couple of things."

"That's all I'm asking."

"Well, I suppose I should go," Hercules said as he started to get up. "Things to do, people to find."

"Do you think you could stay a bit longer?" Annie asked. "Just for a little while?"

"Sure."

"I should probably look in on her," Xena said. "It's the least I could do."

"Yes it is," Annie answered coldly.

Xena went into the bedroom. Mattie was sitting on the side of the bed holding Gabrielle's hand, who had cried herself to sleep. Xena went to the opposite side of the bed and sat down. She could see the pillowcase under her head was wet from her tears. Mattie got up and left the room, shutting the door behind her as Xena gently laid down beside Gabrielle. After a few moments she reached out and move a few strands of hair from her face, then took her hand away, afraid to wake her up.

"She's asleep," Mattie told them as she sat back down at the table. "Probably will be for quite a while."

After a few moments, Annie asked, "Have you noticed anything different about her? Changes in attitude, or health issues?"

Mattie shook her head. "No. As far as I know, she is as normal as you and I. Even with that outburst, which, I'm surprised it took so long to happen."

"What do you mean?"

"You know. Gabrielle followed Xena, I followed you, any and every place she took her. No matter what the danger, no matter how life threatening it was, no matter how much hurt or emotional damage there might have been. Something like that festering inside her is bound to take a toll. She just said things she had been holding in for much too long."

Annie bit her bottom lip, then reluctantly asked, "Is that how you feel?"

"In a way. But for Gabrielle it is so much fresher that it is for me. I have the memories, old memories of course, and I still feel some of the hurt, but for Gabrielle it's like it was almost yesterday."

"Then if I hurt you so much, put you in so much danger, why did you stay with me all those years?"

"Because I was so much in love with you it would have hurt worse to live without you. I still feel that way, just as Gabrielle still feels that way about Xena."

Annie reached out and took Mattie's hand, letting a tear trickle down her cheek.

"Right back at-cha," she said softly, with loving smile.

"Okay," Hercules said, "not to spoil the mood or anything, but now I do think I should go."

Annie and Mattie walked him to the door, both hugged him, then watched him drive away with an arm around each other.

"Looks like the lawn could use some R&R," Annie commented, looking at the motorcycle tire tracks and the places where they had torn up the grass spinning the tires to get away a fast as possible.

"Maybe tomorrow, if Harry's up to it." Mattie answered as they turned and went back inside.