"I think that's what's wrong with the world. No one says what they feel, they always hold it inside. They're sad, but they don't cry. They're happy, but they don't dance or sing. They're angry, but they don't scream. Because if they do, they feel ashamed. And that's the worst feeling in the world. So everyone walks with their heads down and no one sees how beautiful the sky is."
Chapter 9: Save You Tonight
All that you want's under your nose.
You should open your eyes, but they stay closed.
I wanna save you, wanna save your heart tonight…
I can't be no Superman, but for you, I'll be superhuman.
Lucy wakes up to two new text messages. One from Carlos. One from James. Both are similar in nature—they hope she's okay, they'll see her soon. Et cetera.
As she gets ready for school, she replays her recent interactions with both boys in her mind. She's flitting back and forth between them, finally acknowledging that she needs both of them for support, and realizing for the first time that she might accidentally be playing with their emotions. Maybe she's too impulsive, or she's just unsure of what she feels. Either way, it's probably not a good thing that she's kissed both of them in the last month.
She never allowed herself to have any feelings for Carlos because of their arrangement. He liked her out of convenience, or so she thought, because, hey, she's Lucy Stone. Rocker chick. Weird hair girl. And school slut. She's heard it all and none of it bothers her. Carlos just wanted to hook up; she could deal with that. Because truth be told, she was using him, too, and not just for drugs. His body helped her forget, helped her push away the horrific memories of her stepfather advancing on her when her mother was out. As long as she had him, or whoever she happened to spend a night with, she could keep the scenes at bay.
She wonders if it's worth it that therapy has gotten her to recognize why she acts the way she does. Why takes the pills, why she keeps a razor blade in her nightstand, and yeah, why she sleeps around so much, jumping from guy to guy without caring about any of them. Knowing what the problem is doesn't make it go away. She still can't move past it.
She was fourteen the first time she was raped, and has to not only live with the man who did it, but also endure repeating the experience any time he feels like it. He stole her virginity, her innocence, and with it the belief that the act is supposed to be sacred. Her promiscuity is cause for concern, according to her therapist, because it reveals the underlying psychological issue at play: she doesn't believe her body is worth anything, so she'll give it to anyone.
She's a cliché. Low self-esteem and daddy issues. How typical.
But then James comes along and rescues her from yet another random one-night stand at a party and tells her she doesn't have to get with every guy that touches her—that she's allowed to say no and keep some things for herself. She might have believed that at one point, but after years of abuse at the hands of her stepdad, she's learned it's easier to not care than it is to try to fight.
Thinking about Carlos and James confuses her, so she decides to leave it alone for the time being. She has way too much on her plate right now to even consider whether she can be anything other than friends with either of them, despite how much she relies on them. How can she even think about being in a real relationship when she has her stepdad to contend with? It's not exactly a secret she'd be able to keep for long. And anyway, Jack would never allow her to belong to anyone else. She's his, and his alone. He reminds her of that every time he touches her.
Lucy's starting to understand why Jo stopped speaking after what happened with her and Jett Stetson. Why bother talking if no one can help you? And as much she wishes she could tell Jo that it gets better, that eventually she might be able to move on… well, Lucy knows better than anyone that it doesn't.
She sits with Carlos on the bus, as usual, smiling briefly at him and nodding tiredly when he asks if she's okay. It's hilarious to her that "how are you?" and "are you okay?" are always the first questions everyone in the group asks each other. As if any of them is ever really okay. None of them are, but asking anyway gives them some semblance of normality.
After second period, she goes into the girls' bathroom and locks herself in the corner stall. She's on the verge of deciding whether or not to skip her next class, enjoying the silence of the empty room, when the door opens. Whoever it is turns the tap on one of the sinks, probably washing her hands or splashing water on her face. Lucy decides to wait her out, thinking that whoever it is will leave soon. But the door opens again and two more girls come in, both chatting away until they notice the girl in front of the sink.
"I'm surprised you have the nerve to show your face," one girl comments nastily. "Considering all the lies you've been spreading."
"I mean, if I were you, I definitely would have considered switching schools now that everyone knows what a pathetic loser you are," says the second girl.
The girl by the sink says nothing.
"Cat got your tongue?" Asks the first girl. "Funny that you don't have anything to say now."
"Aw, don't be mean," the second girl interrupts, though her tone is still sarcastic. "To be fair, James is the one who started all this."
"True," girl number one says thoughtfully. "But he had to have gotten that story from somewhere. You want to know what I think? I think little miss southern belle here expected a little bit more than she got from Jett. Is that right, sweetie?"
Jo still refuses to say anything. Lucy wants to tell her to defend herself, but she knows it won't do any good. Jo has to want it for herself.
Girl one continues. "I think Blondie expected flowers and candy and a declaration of love, and when she didn't get it, she decided to get a little payback by telling her friend James that Jett took advantage of her."
"That must be what happened," laughs the second girl. "I guess Jo Taylor isn't as innocent as everyone thought. Too bad everyone's already on to you. Good luck if you think you can try to ruin Jett's reputation and not get anything back."
Lucy hears footsteps and the door opens again, leaving her alone with Jo. She unlocks her stall and steps out, finding Jo still rooted to her spot in front of the sink, a mixture of fear and despair in her eyes.
Jo looks up to see Lucy's reflection in the mirror and turns to face her, struggling to keep tears from falling.
"This is why I didn't want anyone to know," she whispers. "No one's going to believe me anyway."
Lucy purses her lips for a second. "Look… do you want to ditch with me? Just until lunch."
"I don't know. Won't we get into some kind of trouble?"
"What's life without a few detentions here and there? You in or what?"
"I guess so." Jo bites her lip, looking worried. But she has no desire to go to class and face her tormentors, so ditching with Lucy seems like a good enough plan as any.
Lucy leads her outside, around the back of the school where the school buses are parked. It's pretty deserted, since it's the middle of the day, and the only sounds are rustling of the leaves in the cool wind and the occasional twittering of the birds. Across the parking lot they can see the soccer fields and beyond that, the football field, all of which are empty at this time of day. They sit against the brick wall and Lucy takes out a cigarette, more from habit than actual desire to smoke.
"When we lived in North Carolina, my mom was the choir director at our church. She used to make me sing in every pageant and church program we had." Jo stares off into the distance, a faraway look on her face as she recalls her past. "My dad wasn't really big on going to church, but my mom was, so he went to make her happy. I even went to Sunday school every weekend."
Lucy continues to sit next to her and smoke her cigarette, not really sure where Jo's story is headed.
"I used to think I'd grow up, meet someone in high school or college maybe, and we'd get married and have this beautiful wedding at my church, and I'd have the white dress—everything, you know? He'd be the perfect guy, and I'd be able to tell him on our wedding night that he was the first and only person I'd ever be with." Jo pulls her knees up to her chest and hugs her body, shoulders slumping. "I wanted to wait 'til I was married. It was supposed to mean something. It was supposed to be special."
"It can still mean something," Lucy tries. "What he did to you… that doesn't count as being with you." This may have been a bad idea. She doesn't do girl-talk. She has limited experience with female interactions that don't involve slapping or hair-pulling.
"Doesn't it?" Jo asks miserably. "I mean, what did I expect would happen if I went upstairs with him? That we'd just talk and he'd fall in love with me, and we'd live happily ever after? I shouldn't have led him on like that."
"Listen to me," Lucy says fiercely, gripping Jo's shoulder and forcing her to look her in the eye. "What happened is not your fault. You might have made a mistake, but that doesn't excuse him for his actions, okay? He's perfectly capable of making his own decisions, and he chose to do the wrong thing."
"But I'm still the one that put us in that situation in the first place. No one's going to believe I didn't want it."
"Screw what everyone else believes. You know the truth. And so does he, no matter how much he denies it. He knows he's wrong. Otherwise he wouldn't be putting so much effort into turning people against you."
"I just… I know it shouldn't bother me what other people think, but I've never really had to deal with people not liking me before. But it bothers me that everyone's judging me based on something that's not even true. God, I sound conceited."
"It's not your fault you're popular," Lucy snorts. "Of course you've always been liked. You're pretty and nice and smart. Hardly anyone is all three. It's usually a two-out-of-three deal."
She succeeds in getting Jo to crack a smile. "Thanks. My ego needed that boost."
"I just know how you feel," Lucy shrugs. "I know what it's like having to live with something that you feel like no one can understand."
"Yeah," Jo murmurs. "Is that why you…?" She glances down at Lucy's arm, nodding at the scars that she doesn't even bother trying to hide anymore.
Lucy looks down, too. Some of the scars, she can specifically remember the nights that caused them. The nights when Jack was especially awful to her. But others, the majority of them, actually, she can't recall. Her cutting became kind of a ritualized behavior—it was just an automatic response to any stress or depression or emotional pain.
"Can I tell you something?"
Jo nods.
"I know how you feel… because I—I, um. It happened to me too."
"You mean… you were-? When? Who?"
"When I was fourteen." Lucy finishes the cigarette and puts it out on the ground, flicking it away from her and Jo. "That was when I started… hurting myself." She doesn't seem willing to reveal any more details, so Jo doesn't push her on it.
"I had no idea," she says softly.
"I've never really told anyone."
"Never? Anyone? After all this time?"
"It always seemed pointless," Lucy shrugs. "I knew nothing anyone said would be able to help."
"Maybe someone can."
"It's complicated," she replies.
"Everything is these days."
Jo stops at her locker before study hall, intending to retrieve a notebook so she can try to get some work done. Usually she keeps her locker very neat, but lately she hasn't cared about that, so she has to sift through wadded up paper and other junk that she would normally take the time to put away properly. She finally finds what she's looking for, but before she has a chance to shove it into her bag, someone bumps into her hard from behind, and her belongings tumble out of her arms and onto the floor.
"Sorry," comes a voice from behind her. It's one of the girls from the bathroom earlier, and she has a faked look of concern on her face. "Didn't see you there." The girl smirks and continues on her way, leaving Jo to gather up her things.
When she gets to study hall, she sits with Kendall and James in their usual corner away from Mercedes Griffin and everyone else who whispers about them behind their backs. The trio works silently through the period—or, Jo does, at least, while James and Kendall play a quiet but spirited game of paper football, holding in their enthusiasm so as not to incite the wrath of Ms. Shipley.
When the bell rings for the end of the day, the three start getting ready to leave, but Jo remembers that she needs to look for a book for a paper she has to write. James has to get going; his mother's gone on this crazy rampage of making sure he sticks to this ridiculous schedule so she can be sure he won't get into any trouble. Kendall offers to wait and walk her home.
"Yeah," she smiles. "Go ahead and go to your locker. I'll meet you there. I just need to find one thing, it shouldn't take me long."
Kendall and James leave with the rest of the students hurrying to get out of the library, but Jo heads to a computer to look up the placement of the book she needs. The old desktop takes several eternities to load the information she's looking for, but she finally succeeds and heads toward the back wall to find the title.
She's studying the shelves intently, and so doesn't hear anyone coming up behind her.
"What'cha looking for?" Asks the voice casually.
Jo freezes. No. She turns slowly to face him, a mixture of hatred and fear coursing through her as he leans nonchalantly against a bookshelf, smirking down at her as if he doesn't notice her discomfort. She stands perfectly still, not daring to move or speak, hoping he'll get bored and leave her alone before she completely panics. She knows they're in public, in broad daylight, on school property, with an adult in the building, but she's still terrified to be this close to him. Alone.
"Heard you've been having a pretty rough time lately," Jett says. "Girls can be so mean sometimes, huh?"
Please go away, she thinks. Leave me alone.
"I could help you out, you know," he continues.
Help her? Why would he do that?
"But you would have to do something for me in return."
Her eyes widen. What on earth could he possibly want from her?
"It's pretty simple, really. All you have to do is admit that you're lying. You do that and I'll tell everyone to back off."
Jo inhales sharply, making a noise for the first time since Jett showed up. She whirls around, preparing to walk away from him but he grabs a hold of her arm and spins her back around to face him.
"What is your problem, Taylor? I don't get you. We had some fun, didn't we?"
Jo snatches her arm back from Jett's grasp and steps back. "Fun?" She hisses. "You think what you did to me was fun?"
Jett chuckles amusedly, ignoring her anger, which only infuriates her more. "The night of the party—what did you go there to do? Who did you go to see? Me. Don't bother denying it; Mercedes already told me that. Everyone there that night saw a girl who wanted it. And you got it. So here's what you're gonna do. You're gonna tell your little boyfriends Knight and Diamond to leave me the fuck alone, got it? Everyone already thinks you're a liar and a psycho. So do yourself a favor and just tell everyone you lied. In return, I'll make sure no one bothers you."
When she doesn't say anything, Jett smirks at her again and turns his back on her to walk away.
"No."
He pauses and looks back at her. "What did you say?"
"I said 'no.' I'm not lying, and you know it."
Jett's face becomes angry and he advances on her, causing Jo to back up until she hits a wall. Jett rests his hand on the wall, leaning down so his face his nearly nose-to-nose with hers. "You're going to be sorry."
But then suddenly someone is pulling Jett away from her and throwing him to the floor. "What the fuck, Stetson?"
Kendall turns to Jo. "Are you alright?"
She nods silently, watching as Jett quickly gets to his feet.
"Back off, Knight. This is between me and her."
"Bullshit," Kendall spits. "You're even dumber than you look if you think I'm going anywhere." He wants so badly to shove Jett into the wall, punch him—anything to cause him even a fraction of the pain Jo must feel every time she has to see him. But he knows better than to start a fight on school grounds—in the library, no less—so he guesses it's a good thing James didn't see what was going on here, or blood would definitely be flying by now.
"Leave it, Kendall. We're done here," says Jo.
"We're not," Jett cuts in.
"Let me put it like this. I'm done here. I'm done with you. The last thing I have to say to you is this: leave me and my friends alone. Don't talk to me. Don't talk about me. And stop your bullshit about James and Kendall being gay. Or you'll be the sorry one when I tell everyone what really happened that night."
She shoves past a stunned Jett, with Kendall following quickly behind her, glancing back as Jett stands there glaring after them.
"Where did that come from?" Kendall asks, shocked. "I don't think I've ever heard you say so many words at once."
"I'm tired of this. He doesn't get to act like I'm the one inconveniencing him. He—I made a mistake with him that night—but he made a choice, too. And we both have to live with them. Not just me."
When Jack leaves Lucy's room, it takes awhile before she can make herself move. She waits until she hears his truck engine rev up, knowing that now that he's done with her, he'll be going to the bar and staying out late. He'll stumble home sometime after 2 am and promptly pass out.
If she's lucky, he'll get into in a drunk-driving accident and hit a tree.
As is her norm, she rips her sheets off the bed and peels off the clothes that he didn't bother to tear off of her, leaving everything in a pile in the corner of her room before turning on her shower and sitting in the tub, letting the scalding water hit her back. She breathes in deeply, resting her forehead on her knees and trying not to look at the scars on her arms and legs, because looking at them makes her want to add more. And she promised James she would try to stop.
The water's almost too hot for her to stand, but she needs the burn of it on her skin to make her focus on the present so she doesn't relive everything that just happened. It's almost like a form of self-punishment for allowing herself to go through this. She doesn't even resist Jack anymore when he comes to her. Just lets him do what he wants, takes his orders, and waits for him to leave her alone. How sick must she be to let this happen?
When the water starts to run cold, she turns off the tap and dries herself off, avoiding looking at herself in the mirror because she doesn't want to see the vacant, hollow look that must be in her eyes.
She needs to do something, anything, to take her mind off things because if it's not one shitty thing it's another. As if having to deal with Jack isn't enough, she also has no idea what to do about the fact that she's pretty much directly responsible for the death of Lauren Murray. Her conscience tells her she should confess that she dealt the drugs, but her sense of self-preservation is much stronger than her conscience. Always has been. She looks out for herself because God knows no one else will.
Lucy sends a text and gets dressed before dumping her sheets into the washing machine, knowing that a thousand runs through the hot water cycle will never make them feel clean enough to be comfortable. When her phone beeps with a reply she smiles to herself and opens up her side drawer, taking out her small bag of pills and popping one into her mouth, swallowing it with a swig of the vodka she keeps in her room.
Desperate times. Desperate measures.
James is surprised to receive the message from Lucy. He knows something's up with her, but she won't let him in on it. He types a reply and sends it, frowning thoughtfully, wondering if there's anything he can do to get her to open up.
He doesn't know what it is about her… He's James Diamond. Lucy Stone is not his 'type' by any stretch of the imagination. He usually goes for the cheerleader-type girls. The girls who are pretty but not very deep; the ones who care about things like popularity and their looks and whether Justin Bieber will ever break up with that Selena bitch. Maybe that's why he finds Lucy so interesting. She's so… not like other girls. She doesn't care what anyone thinks. And he can't figure her out, even though they've been in group together for weeks and weeks. Even when he knew she was hooking up with Carlos in their room at the Palm Woods, there was something that made him want to understand her. Something that attracted him to her.
The party after the big hockey game only confused him even more. She'd kissed him right on the lips before disappearing inside, leaving him stunned on her doorstep. It was maybe the first and only time he'd ever felt like a kiss meant something other than 'I'm about to get to laid.' But she acted like it never happened, or like it wasn't a big deal, and maybe it wasn't, but it still threw him off. He's not used to being the one who cares more.
Lucky for him, his mother had an emergency business trip she couldn't get out of, so James has the house to himself for a couple of days, what with his dad being out of town and all. So when Lucy said she could use some company, he invited her over without hesitation. He's not really sure what he's expecting from this visit, but the main thing is that she's reaching out for help. And so he'll do whatever he can if it means she's not going to hurt herself anymore.
He quickly throws his dirty clothes into a laundry basket and stores it in the closet and does a quick sweep of his room to make sure it doesn't look too terrible, trying to ignore how sweaty his palms are and how his heart is beating faster than it normally does.
Chill out, Diamond, he tells himself. Don't be so nervous.
But this is such new territory for him, he can't help it. James Diamond likes a girl. As in, he actually likes her. He's interested in her as an actual person—not because she's hot, or because he might get laid, or because she flirts with him and laughs at his jokes. For the first time, he's interested in a girl because of her, and not what he can get out of her.
What's he supposed to do about that? He's not really the relationship type, or at least, that's what he's always told himself and his friends and the numerous girls he's gone out with. Everyone knows not to give their heart to James Diamond, because he will inevitably break it. He doesn't do it on purpose. He's not trying to be a dick. But with his parents' nasty divorce and the shitty breakups he's seen his friends go through… he just never really believed in the concept of being 'in love.' He thinks people can enjoy each other's company, but it's probably not going to last. Nothing wrong with that. Plenty of fish in the sea.
But suddenly along comes Lucy Stone, and James is questioning everything he ever thought he knew about himself. And that's a scary predicament.
When the doorbell rings, he goes to open the door, finding Lucy on his front porch, finishing a cigarette. Her fingers are trembling, but whether from cold or something else, he isn't sure. Something's off about her. Something he can't define. She looks normal, with her mostly black clothes and her boots and her chipped nail polish… so what's wrong with her?
"Hey. Come in."
Lucy stamps out her cigarette and follows him inside, looking around the big house that she's never been in before.
"Mom's out of town and you're not throwing a party? What kind of teenager are you?" Lucy teases him, shrugging off her jacket and laying over the side of the couch.
"I don't exactly have many friends to invite over these days," he replies easily. "You want something to drink or anything?"
"Brought my own." Lucy digs into her bag and pulls out a water bottle that has the label ripped off, unscrewing the cap and taking a quick swallow. "I come prepared."
She holds the bottle out to him, and he sniffs it cautiously. "Vodka?"
"As usual."
James hesitates a second but takes a swig after a moment. He cringes as it burns his throat and hands the bottle back to Lucy, who takes another mouthful before capping it.
"So I guess we'll make it our own party."
"Sounds fun," he grins. He goes over to his mom's liquor cabinet and rummages through it, picking a bottle he knows she won't miss and a can of soda from the refrigerator to chase it with.
"So, do I get a grand tour, or what?"
"Uh, sure," he says, hiding his confusion from her. What's she doing here? He thought she wanted to talk, but she seems intent on acting like this is just a friendly visit. Plus, he realizes, she's probably a little drunk and maybe buzzed off something else too. But he knows her well enough to know pushing her will only chase her off.
He shows her his mom's office, the kitchen, the dining room, and the back porch that overlooks their large pool, and she nods politely whenever he tells her some random tidbits, like that the floors are real wood, or that the pool has salt-water instead of chlorine. They both sip from their bottles, and before he knows it, James is starting to feel the warm light-headedness from the liquor.
"Too bad it's still cold," Lucy comments. "We could go swimming."
"You really want to? It's a heated pool."
Lucy smirks at James. "Of course it is, rich boy. I should have guessed."
"One of the perks of being a Diamond," he says sarcastically.
"So let's go."
She walks purposefully past him and pulls off her shirt without hesitation, dropping it to the ground near the edge of the pool before sliding her jeans down her legs. She turns around to find him staring at her with his mouth slightly open.
"You coming?"
It isn't until she turns back around and jumps into the pool that James snaps out of it. He yanks off his own shirt and pants and follows her into the warm water, laughing when she comes up for air, and doing his best not to stare too hard at the water droplets running down her body.
"I was surprised you texted me," James tells her.
"You told me to tell you when I feel like hurting myself," she replies with no emotion. "Expect to be hearing from me a lot."
"Something's wrong, isn't it? Something more than usual, I mean." He sits down on the stair-step and looks at up her questioningly.
"Don't you know me by now? Something's always wrong, Jamie-boy."
"You can tell me, you know."
Lucy shakes her head back and forth, standing in front of James and looking down at his concerned face. "Nuh-uh. That's not the deal."
"What's the deal, then?" James asks, confused.
"I tell you when I want to hurt myself, and you distract me. That's it."
"Fine. How am I doing so far?"
She tilts her head to one side, smirking at him again before stepping forward and cupping his face in her hands, pressing her lips to his in a searing kiss that nearly makes him forget where he is.
"So far, so good."
She straddles his lap, pressing him against the pool wall and connecting their mouths again, this time tangling her fingers in his wet hair and rocking her hips against his. His arms wrap around her waist, pulling her impossibly closer into his lap so that their stomachs and chests are connected. She slips her tongue into his mouth and grips his shoulders for leverage as she moves against him, causing a friction between them that they can't and won't ignore for long.
"Lucy—" James pulls away to catch his breath and look into her eyes. "Are you sure about this?"
Lucy stares at him for a moment and he briefly thinks she might actually get up and leave. She stares at him for a moment before whispering in his ear. "You want to help me, right?" She kisses the side of his neck and leaves a hot trail down to his collarbone while she waits for him to respond.
"Y-yeah," he answers. "Of course." His voice is shaky and his breath is shallow, his body betraying the good intentions he's trying to display.
"Then help me forget."
They're both a little drunk, and she's clearly not entirely emotionally stable, and truth be told neither is he, but fuck, her body just feels so good against his. She kisses him again and this time he gives in completely, kissing her back as fiercely as she's kissing him, fighting with her for dominance as his hand snakes around her back to undo the clasp of her bra. In expert fashion he slips it off her, flinging it somewhere near the edge of the pool and bringing his hand back to massage her breasts underneath the warm water. He kneads them slowly, pinching the hard buds of her nipples, sending a shiver down her spine that causes her rock into him again.
He groans at the contact and moves his hand lower, slipping beneath her panties to rub her slick center. She moves against his fingers, encouraging him to keep going, so he quickly hooks his thumb under the band to pull them off, sliding the underwear slowly down her legs and switching positions so that she is now the one pinned against the wall. He licks a spot on her neck below her ear and bites down on it, causing her to release a sound that's something between cry of pain and a moan. His fingers find their way south again, teasing her clit while he works on her neck.
"Fuck," she mumbles. "Oh, God."
He silences her incoherent mutterings with another kiss before moving just slightly farther down to push two fingers into her entrance, pumping them swiftly in and out of her while she bucks against him, desperate to intensify the already powerful feeling between them.
"Come on, you're almost there," he grunts, using his other hand to pinch her breasts again.
With a gasp and a shudder, Lucy clenches around his fingers and shivers as she rides her orgasm out, but she's given no recovery time because James is kissing her again, moving his body against hers in the pool, the water lapping up around them. She moves her own hands down to the waistband of the boxers that he still has on and shoves them down so he can step out of them. She strokes his now-prominent erection, running her thumb over the sensitive tip, causing him to inhale sharply.
He braces her against the wall and she wraps her legs around him as he slides into her forcefully. His thrusts are hard and fast, the water sloshes around them, and they barely notice on account of their ragged breathing and moans of pleasure. Lucy feels the buildup between her legs again, and can't help letting out little cries of pleasure every time James pushes into her.
"Harder," she breathes.
She's so close, so so close, and she doesn't care that her back is pressed painfully against the wall or that James must have noticed just how many scars she really has. All that matters is the release, and this moment with him when she's actually able to not think about Jack, or Lauren Murray, or what she's doing to him and Carlos. James takes her advice and thrusts into her faster than before, gripping the edge of the pool wall for support.
"So—good—ah, fuck," he grunts.
Lucy digs her nails into his back, surely leaving some angry red marks that will be there in the morning, but he doesn't care about that because she's gasping his name, coming again, and he finally lets go, spilling his fluid inside her before going still, breathing hard and not moving away from her for several seconds.
Lucy wakes up in the middle of the night with her head spinning, wondering what aroused her from her sleep. She and James never even made it up to his room, instead spending the night on the couch in the living room. They'd gone back inside to dry off and get warm, getting dressed only to give in to each other again, exploring their bodies in a haze of more liquor and pills produced from Lucy's bag.
He looks so much younger when he's sleeping, she thinks. So peaceful. Innocent. Like he hasn't got a care in the world. Their limbs are tangled together and her head rests on his chest while she enjoys the sound of his steady heartbeat beneath her.
She moves slowly, carefully, so as not to disturb him, being sure to cover him back up with the sheet he took out from the linen closet. She's wearing a t-shirt of his and a pair of his gym shorts that must be from middle school, and even so, they hang loosely on her. She steps out onto the back porch with her purse, taking out her nearly empty pack of cigarettes and lighting one with shaky fingers.
The sun's barely starting to come up over the horizon and she realizes she has to get home. It's still a school day, after all, and even if it wasn't, what else would she do? She has to flee before he wakes up, has to get out of there before he looks at her and regrets what happened, or asks her what she's still doing there. They aren't some cute couple who can bask in their post-coital bliss. She goes to gather her clothes, which still lay in a heap near the edge of the pool, and shoves them into her bag before sneaking quietly back inside to put on her jacket. She takes one last look at James sleeping on the sofa and can't resist kissing his forehead before slipping out the front door, still wearing his clothes, the hollow look back in her eyes again.
Jo sits in her English class, head down, tapping her pen against her blank notebook. The question on the board that she's supposed to be answering swims in front of her: Is it okay to disturb the universe?
She looks at her classmates around her, all writing frantically, trying to finish up before their teacher calls time on the assignment. The assignment has stemmed from their completion of reading The Chocolate War, in which the main character defies the social structure of his school in order to assert his independence from the bullies and popular kids who run everything. When the timer for the assignment goes off, Jo scribbles a single phrase onto her paper: Only if it's worth it.
"Does anyone want to share their thoughts?" Asks Mrs. Robinson.
No one volunteers, of course, but Jo happens to look up and catch her teacher's eye.
"Jo? What do you think?"
"Oh—I, um—I don't know," she stutters. She hopes that Mrs. Robinson will move on from her and ask someone else, but the teacher persists in making Jo articulate her thoughts on the assignment.
"What did you write down? Is it okay to disturb the universe?"
"Only if it's worth the trouble it brings," Jo says quietly.
"And what did you mean by that?"
"Just that—you have to know what you're getting into," she answers slowly. "In the book, Jerry picked something that seemed really trivial, and made it a big deal. And in the end he came to the conclusion that disturbing the universe wasn't worth the pain it brought him. He's left without hope, and the people he was fighting against face no consequences."
"So you don't think he did the right thing by standing up for himself?"
"I think he did do the right thing, but Jerry himself doesn't know it."
"Explain," Mrs. Robinson smiles encouragingly.
"He's a character who at first only wants to fit in, so he does what the popular kids tell him, knowing they can make him miserable if he doesn't comply. But soon he realizes that he's miserable anyway. So he decides that if he's going to be miserable, it might as well be on his own terms. In the end he feels like it was pointless to go against everyone, because nothing changed. The popular kids still run everything, the teachers do nothing to stop it, and he's still an outcast. But it wasn't pointless, because he took a stand for something he believed in. He lost the battle, but maybe his battle sparked a war."
"That's very insightful, Ms. Taylor."
When the bell rings, everyone gathers up their things and heads out the door, and Jill, one of her bathroom tormentors, makes a point of once again bumping into her and knocking her things out of her hands.
"Sorry," she says, no trace of apology in her voice or expression. She kneels down to pick up Jo's notebook while Jo scrambles to shove the rest of her things into her bag. "You think you're so smart, don't you?"
Jo freezes and meets Jill's eyes. She says nothing.
"You can't win," Jill tells her. "You said it yourself. You're going to be miserable; we'll make sure of it. If you fight this battle, you—will—lose. So you might as well give up."
"What are you-?"
"Don't play dumb. You know what Jett, and everyone else, wants. So tell the truth, if you know what's good for you." She slides Jo's notebook to her, her perfectly manicured nails catching Jo's eye for an instant before she straightens up and walks away without another backward glance.
When Jo gets to the cafeteria for lunch, she sits with her friends, wordlessly eating her meal and not paying attention to the conversations happening around her. She sits between Kendall and Camille, staring thoughtfully down at her food, looking up when Jett walks by with Mercedes Griffin and her gang of cheerleaders. They all sneer at Jo and the others, as if their very presence in the cafeteria offends them. Jo squirms in her seat uncomfortably.
"You're quiet today," Kendall comments.
"Just thinking about… some things."
"Like what?"
Jo takes a deep breath and looks around the table, seeing that everyone is waiting for her to speak.
"I want to press charges against Jett."
Camille squeezes her hand under the table. "Really?"
"Yeah," Jo nods. "I've been thinking about it ever since the library thing. I'm tired of being threatened. I'm tired of being called a liar."
"Good for you," Kendall smiles. "Make that asshole pay."
"I plan to," she says, determined. "I want to scare him. I want him to know that he can't do that to me or anyone else and get away with it."
"What changed?" James asks. "Before you were so... you just wanted to forget it."
"I just... I think I realized that pretending it didn't happen wasn't helping me cope. And," she glances at Lucy quickly, "maybe if say something now, it'll help other people who need to get help too."
James notices her look at Lucy, who is staring steadfastly down at her lunch. He'd woken up to find her gone, but he wonders now whether he should have expected anything else. He's determined not to make it awkward if she plans to pretend that nothing happened, but it's going to be hard being around her every day while trying to understand and deal with his feelings for her.
"Won't it be hard?" Camille asks Jo.
"Yes," she admits. "I'll have to tell my parents. And talk to lawyers. But I think-I hope-it'll be worth it."
"You're doing the right thing," Kendall adds. "And we'll be behind you every step of the way, right?"
Everyone nods their assent, even Lucy, and Jo feels hopeful for the first time in months that she'll really be able to find the strength to move past this.
And another chapter done! Hope you guys liked it, and as always please drop a review and let me know what you thought! Thanks so much for reading and sticking with me!
