A/N: I said a little faster, right? Um, I promise after this initial part it really does begin to move faster.

Btw, this is set at the beginning of October. The timeline will play in more later. Thank you all for your reads and reviews, it really does mean a lot to me.

Bestie, ack, where would I be without you? Thank you for all your help.

Ashlepedia, my medical goddess, thank you for helping me to be less inaccurate, lol.

When you hear but you just don't listen
When you're looking but you just don't see
When you're thinking there's no rhyme or reason
Think of me
Think of me
When you're getting to the end of a hard day
And you're thinking it's a long way home
When you're thinking that you're just plain crazy
Because you're on your own
Think of me
I will find you, I promise
I will make you believe, oh
That I'm in this crazy love for the long haul
So think of me
Think of me

(Think of Me – Rosi Golan)

"That asshole is trying to get the confession thrown out; claiming police brutality, how hard did Amaro go at him?" Alex asked sitting down at the table in the restaurant.

Casey was out of town and she supposed that when she came back she'd have to explain the situation to her but Alex…it was different, Alex had been her friend for a long time.

"Not as hard as Elliot used to" she answered shrugging she took a sip of the wine, and tried to force her lips upward.

"Elliot?"

She realized her mistake as Alex's mouth flailed for a moment, her eyebrows knitting together.

"Yeah" she said skirting the issue.

For months every time anyone would utter his name, she'd visibly freeze, paint on a pained smile and pretend that her heart wasn't shattering inside of her chest. So, in response, everyone just began to pretend like he never existed.

"So, I take it you invited me out for the scoop on the Marlow case?" Alex questioned arching an eyebrow but didn't broach the subject further.

Looking down she fought the churning in her stomach and then looked back up.

"Actually, there's something I need to tell you"

She unclasps the first necklace letting it fall to her palm, then the second, when she gets to his she pauses for a moment. The day she received it is imprinted in her brain, the grooves in the pendant emblazoned on her fingertips, the smooth medal resting on her skin right over her heart.

Semper Fi…forever faithful.

For months her mantra was that he meant the commitment they made to protect and serve. It was easier that way; it made her heart ache a bit less to think of him as simply a casualty of the job, just her ex-partner. But the moments she admitted the truth she knew that his reaching out to her was about something more than what they did and even bigger than their partnership.

Something she wasn't quite ready to face. Sliding the medallion off she sets it on her dresser and, for a moment, wishes she would have taken Alex up on her offer to accompany her to the hospital. But that would have meant admitting weakness, and she wasn't quite ready to give that to anyone else.

OoO

From the moment he wakes up, his equilibrium is off. He can't seem to find his balance and he wanders around the house aimlessly for two hours after his morning run. He had text her, no answer, and the lack of communication was beginning to make him antsy.

Twice he had walked out to the car planning on driving to the station but the thought of walking back through those doors made his chest constrict and he ended up on the couch, his head in his hands as he gasped for breath.

So he waited, he fought the dread that bubbled like acid in his veins, and he told himself that she was okay…she was just busy…and yet the way his skin tingled in anticipation had him teetering on the edge.

OoO

"This sounds serious Alex responds as her eyebrows knit together as she slowly puts the menu back down on the table.

Taking a deep breath she closes her eyes and fights back the torrent of tears that is stuck between her heart and her throat.

"It is" she starts looking down at the table linens and then back up, "I found a lump in my breast…its cancerous"

Alex sits there quietly for a moment before her fingers come to pull her glasses off her face her eyes closing for a moment. When they reopen they shimmer with moisture, "I don't know what to say, I.."

"I know" she says trying to paint a pained smile on her face and failing, "The doctor is positive"

She nods, swiping the few errant tears and placing her glasses back on, "You know if you need anything"

"I know"

She assumed the beige walls were supposed to be soothing; instead she felt stifled, suffocated and the irrational part of her just wanted to strip the scratchy hospital gown off and go back to the station like this wasn't happening.

But it was, and as adept as she had become to running, it was time to start facing things head on…no matter how painful that may be.

"The surgery will only take about half an hour to forty minutes, after that you'll be a little out of it because of the anesthesia, you do have someone picking you up?" the doctor asked gently.

"Yeah, she'll be here"

"Okay good, do you have any questions?"

"I guess not"

As the anesthesiologist pushed the liquid into her IV she felt her eyelids heavy, fighting to stay open, and as they fluttered shut, crystalline blue eyes stared back at her.

OoO

By noon he's coming out of his skin, and he jabs the buttons on the phone with a number he knows by heart but hasn't called in months, "Detective Rollins"

He clicks the phone when it's not her and closes his eyes tightly…something's wrong, he doesn't know what but he's always been able to feel it. It's the connection he tried so hard to sever, and it may be slightly tattered and torn, but it's still alive, beating wildly inside of him like nothing he has ever known.

What the self imposed banishment had shown him was exactly what she was to him…everything.

OoO

Her body felt heavy, limp, the light stinging her eyes as she tried her hardest to raise heavy lids. As they fell back closed she felt a sigh escape her lips, "Olivia, wake up"

The voice was distant, yet close, so familiar, "Elliot"

"Olivia"

"El…Elliot?" she whispers hoarsely trying to find his eyes in the midst of the blinding light.

"Olivia, this is Doctor Brady, you're coming out from under the anesthesia"

Everything inside of her is muddled, the fogginess clouding her mind, and all she really can focus on is that quiet strength of his that she is desperately clinging to. Her heart crashes wildly against her ribcage, the light burning at her retinas as she struggles to keep her eyes opens, her hands trembling, "Elliot..I need Elliot" she whispers ragged, "Please"

"Okay, okay, just calm down" the voice soothes, "I'll find him"

OoO

When his phone rings he physically jumps before pressing down harshly at the keypad to answer, "Stabler" he grinds out running a hand over his shorn head.

"Elliot Stabler, this is Doctor Brady over at…"

His heart is in his teeth, because he was a cop long enough to recognize the familiarity of the woman's tone and her words echo off his heart and shatter against the walls and he tries to find his bearings. His knees begin to quake in anticipation of the woman's next words, "You're the emergency contact for Olivia Benson?"

"Yes" he whispers the vibrato in his voice at a tremble.

"Her procedure went fine but it seems she's a little disoriented from the anesthesia and asking for you. She said there was someone picking her up after but she seemed pretty adamant about someone finding you"

The desperation in his gut is exhaled through his lungs, "I can be right there, okay, just tell her I'm on my way"

OoO

When her eyes begin to open again, her body is less rigid, the swirling fog beginning to slowly dissipate.

"Oh good you're awake" a brunette nurse said with a warm smile, "You had a bad reaction to the anesthesia"

Nodding she tried to sit up but found that her limbs still felt too heavy, "Here let me do that" the woman said helping to adjust the bed so that she was in a more upright position.

"Thank you"

"If you need anything, just click this button here…and we got a hold of your friend, they should be here shortly and we can get you released to go home"

She watched her walk out of the door and she closed her eyes fighting back the moisture that pooled into them and she mentally chastised herself over it. She was stronger than this; she could handle this on her own…and yet, inside of her, she longed for the smell of sandalwood wafting through the air and the touch of worn cotton enveloping her.

OoO

The doctor had said she asked for him and he feels humbled. He doesn't deserve anything from her; he never did…she was always too good to him so as he speeds across the city he prays for the strength to be good enough for her.

He's sure he's broken most of the traffic laws but he makes it there in record time, his shoes making harsh crunching sounds against the asphalt. It's unexpected as they almost crash into each other in the lobby, Cragen's eyes crinkling at the sight of him, "Elliot?"

His lungs burn, adrenaline coursing through his veins as he takes a moment to run his hand over his face, "Cap"

"What…what are you doing here?"

Looking down at the tiles he waits for a second, rubs his neck and looks back up, "I'm still the emergency contact, I guess she had a reaction to the anesthesia so they called me. Did she ask you to pick her up?"

It comes out more biting then intended because his skin prickles with envy…but he reminds himself that he is the reason she asked someone else…because months ago, it would have been him…it always should be him.

There has always been a certain possessive quality about their relationship and in this moment he feels mildly guilty for always reveling in being the man in her life because he is beginning to realize the selfishness of his actions. She had always meant much more to him than he was able to express, so he never said it, and instead just expected her to know. Leaving had been the worst mistake of his life, and it was why he had sent his Semper Fi medal to her; because he needed her to understand that he never meant to disappoint her. Now, he realized it was worse than disappointment because instead he reinforced that belief in her head that she wasn't worth sticking around for. He swears to himself and some deity that he's not sure is listening anymore that he will spend the rest of his life making that up to her.

The captain shakes his head, "Alex got called into an emergency hearing; she tried everything to get out of it, when she couldn't, she called me"

Nodding he sucks his bottom lip between his teeth and blows out a breath, "If you don't mind"

Cragen's mouth opens and closes shut before a terse nod, "You sure that's a good idea?"

In that moment he realizes it wasn't just her he let down and he nods in the affirmative, "I'm here for her now, and I'm not going anywhere"

A small wry smile lifts the older man's lips and he lays a strong hand on his shoulder, "Welcome back Stabler"