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Chapter 8 – An Unfortunate Stimulus
After several hours with Bella, Carlisle descended the stairs and indicated I should come outside with him. We walked slowly away from the house. I tried to be patient. I failed.
"Tell me, whatever it is – don't spare me," I insisted.
"Well," Carlisle hemmed, "it's difficult to know what to tell you. It's not like anything I've ever seen – human or vampire. She knows how to read and write, but doesn't seen to remember with clarity any books she has read. She remembers the history she was taught in school, but there is no social context in which to place it. She is adept with mathematics, which, of course, requires no human interaction. In other words, the logic is there – her intelligence is not impaired and she appears to have no brain damage – but she can't remember any specific social interaction." Carlisle, paused, shaking his head. "Bella always had a very private mind. Even you couldn't access it. It's possible she has retreated to that private part of her brain where she can deny admittance to anyone. It may be what she needed to do in order to protect herself."
"Did you ask her about Charlie and Renee?" After all, she had known them much longer than any of us.
"Edward, she has no recollection of any of the people in her life – not her parents, not her friends, not any of us."
Not even her husband, my mind added. "What have you told her then," I asked, really meaning what have you told her about me?
"Basically, the truth. That she was human – she does understand the differences between humans and our kind – and that she had wanted to become a member of our family. I explained that before we could change her, the Volturi arranged for her abduction and changed her without our knowledge, jealous to preserve any talent Bella may have for their own purposes. I also told her about her human family."
"So, she believes Esme and you are now her parents, correct?" I prompted. Carlisle nodded. "And she believes Alice and Rose are her sisters, I suppose, and that Jasper and Emmett are her brothers. Does she understand that the six of you are paired off?" Another nod. "Then what does she think I am to her?"
"Thus far, I have characterized you as her . . . friend, I suppose. I did not tell Bella that you were her husband or that the two of you were in a romantic relationship," he admitted. "However, I was very careful not to give her the impression that you were in a brother-sister relationship with her. When I referred to her brothers, you were not grouped in with them."
"Why, Carlisle? Why would you not tell her that part of the basic truth," I asked, frustration saturating my voice.
"I have my reasons, and I will tell you if you calm down." I nodded bleakly and Carlisle continued. "First, I think telling Bella that you are her husband and that the two of you were in love with one another puts too much pressure on her. She is extremely . . . delicate right now. I don't believe we should expect her to have to behave in a certain way or to have feelings that may not exist. I'm sorry Edward, I know this hurts you, but as a doctor, and with Bella as my patient, I have to act in her best interests. I'm not saying that it will need to be like this forever – just for right now." Carlisle paused for a moment, before asking, "Edward, if Bella can't regain her memories, what do you intend to do?"
"Carlisle, I still love her with all my heart – I always will," I responded softly. "I will have no choice but to try to win her love all over again. I could never be whole without her. I will do everything in my power to earn her love, although I doubt it will be quite so easy this time."
"I figured as much. Which brings me to my second reason," Carlisle added with reluctance. "You need to think about whether regaining Bella's love is best for you."
I responded only with a look of shock.
"She may never be the same person, Edward. If you go about wooing her, she may very well fall in love with you. But you could attain your goal only to find that this Bella is too different, that she's not someone you could love with your whole heart or in a romantic way. You need to take things very slowly – get to know this Bella, before you make any decisions."
The thought that there could be any circumstances under which I would not love Bella, any iteration of Bella, was incomprehensible to me. My love for her permeated every cell in my body. But I also understood that if there was even a small possibility that Carlisle was right, I could damage her even more. I promised I would consider his suggestion, but the idea made me feel sick. I tried to move on to more productive ideas. "So, do you have a plan?"
"Yes, or at least I have some ideas. Tonight, I want Alice and you to take Bella out and show her Charlie's house. I think it's time we introduced some visual and other sensory stimuli to see if we can trigger any memories. Charlie's house was the place in Forks where Bella spent the most time. Obviously, you will need to go after dark, and make sure Charlie is asleep. Don't let Bella too near the house. So far she has not been tempted by humans, but we will want to maintain our precautions."
I nodded, eager to be in Bella's company. Carlisle noticed my excitement.
"Make sure you remain composed, Edward. If you don't, you will scare Bella, and that's the last thing we want. By the way, we haven't had time to focus on this before, but the feeding issue will become more of a problem as time elapses. Right now, Bella still has enough of her own blood in her system to keep her from weakening too much. She is not as strong as a newborn normally would be – an advantage for us at the moment – but in a short enough time the problem will need to be addressed. I don't know if it's attributable to the strong aversion to blood she had in her human life that has inexplicably carried over or just exposure to the Volturi's method of feeding, which sickened and frightened her."
A snarl escaped me at the memory – it was horrifying to think of Bella seeing that. I acknowledged, however, that the feeding problem would have to be resolved. I pushed the thought aside for now and looked forward to our nighttime expedition when I would see Bella.
We waited until two in the morning to be sure Charlie would be asleep. Alice and Bella sat together in the back seat of my Volvo as I drove. My eyes were on Bella's image in the rear view mirror most of the time. She looked so beautiful it made my heart ache. Her intoxicating scent, still strong with her newborn blood, filled the car. I was clutching the steering wheel in a death grip to keep myself from bounding over the seat and burying my face in her neck. Alice, as usual, kept up a constant chatter and Bella looked relaxed and comfortable, responding with a soft word occasionally.
I parked the car about a block's length away from Charlie's house and we made our way slowly on foot. I suppressed a surge of jealousy when Alice took Bella's hand. "Mine!" my heart called and I realized that even the simplest gesture of affection between us would require patience. But I was resolved upon speaking to Bella when we positioned ourselves across the street from Charlie's house.
I spoke to her for the first time – directing her attention to her former home. In a hushed tone, I pointed out her bedroom and the window through which I used to climb to see her. I told her about the yellow kitchen in the back, where she would often make dinner for Charlie and how I would sometimes help her. I reminded her of what the living room looked like, where we would occasionally curl up together on the sofa and watch a movie. I looked down at Bella to see if any of this was registering with her, and my heart contracted.
Bella wasn't looking at Charlie's house. She was looking at the forest. Her arms were wrapped convulsively around her torso, her fingers clutched tightly to her sides. A look of misery came over her features and it almost seemed she was having trouble catching her breath. I had seen that posture before, in the taunting mind of Jacob Black. She looked up and for the first time addressed me directly, her voice steeped in pain. "You left me. You hurt me."
