Note: If you've read my previous stuff you might know I like to highlight vids and songs that are awesome/inspire me. Usually there's one particular song/artist who's thread will run through the whole work. Well this is my Balmorhea fic. The song "Remembrance" is one that heavily influcenced me and got me in the right headspace to write this. And there is one vid that I absolutely must show you.
While I was writing this chapter I had Remembrance playing, I took a break to browse Livejournal and to my surprise somebody had just posted a fanvid set to it. I'm not afraid to say it made me cry. It felt like this person had got into my head (and my heart). The summary they posted encapsulated so much of what I'm trying to explore with this fic: "A video about Castiel's doubts, the choices he's made, the ones that have been made for him, and the consequences of all the above". I just had to weave in some of the lines used. I'm dedicating this chapter to Vandlp and her wonderful heartbreaking video. Give it a watch, you won't regret it. (Because FF dot net is an assbutt and won't link, just add this on to the Youtube address: watch?v=CtnKlTo9Ygg)
Quotes are from Apocalyptica's "Life Burns".
Chapter 9
A man dies like a butterfly
Life burns from the touch of the reaper
All things must pass
A strange role reversal occurred in the days that followed - Castiel would wake to Dean at his side. In getting more mobile Dean was keen to do more for himself and help Castiel too. After getting Sachiel back Sam was spending a bit more time over at Angel Towers giving Crowley a hand. So Dean found himself in charge of making food and getting Castiel to eat it. Although it was slow going with one arm in a cast, Dean made a note to appreciate the little things when he was back to full health, not least being able to jump in the shower at the drop of a hat instead of wrapping his arm up and struggling with dressings. It brought to mind his time with a broken leg and how much he had resented that.
One morning Dean prepared a bowl of mush for Castiel and went to take his bedside seat… Maybe it would be dubbed "Dean's chair" he mused. The former angel was still asleep, though he frowned and twitched as if suffering a nightmare. He shifted under the sheets and muttered words Dean couldn't make out. Then suddenly Castiel shot bolt upright.
"No! Metatron…"
His hand flew instantly to his throat, clutching as if to keep a flow of blood at bay. The former angel made a terrible choking noise; his stark blue eyes were blown wide with fear.
Dean reached forwards to take Castiel's shoulders. "Cas, sshhh, it's alright…"
Gently the ex-angel lay back down, breathing hard as he came out of the nightmare. Was this how he ended up at Dean's side every morning? Chased from sleep and seeking solace? Recognition crept back into Castiel's eyes. He took in the room and seemed to remember where he was, who he was… The hand fell from his throat to the sheets.
"Cas? Will you talk to me now? Want to tell me what that was all about?"
He looked like it was the last thing he wanted to do. But Castiel licked his dry lips all the same and tried.
"Metatron… it was the moment he took my grace. He cut my throat". It was said so matter of fact, as if having your throat cut was an every day occurrence.
"Shit… do you have that nightmare often?"
"Not every night. Sometimes I see myself killing Balthazar, other nights I'm trapped in a circle of fire begging you to listen… My subconscious has a lot of material to torture me with I suppose". Castiel spoke in that detached manner again. Dean wasn't sure whether it was through weakness or the fact he had become used to reliving these horrors. "I used to walk in dreams as an angel; it was as easily done as stepping in to the next room… They always seemed so obviously fabricated to me, like paper walls, weak and fragile. I wasn't prepared for being a dreamer… seeing a cage of iron, real and impenetrable as stone".
He closed his eyes for a moment, took a deep breath, and looked straight up at the ceiling as he went on.
"The worst is when I see myself shooting you. I feel my finger pull the trigger, I hear you scream, and the scent of blood… it's all so real. I made the wrong choice, and I am forced to relive it". Castiel looked at Dean then, his voice finally betrayed some emotion. "I hurt you Dean, and I couldn't heal you. You lay dying and it was my fault, I nearly killed you".
"But you didn't. You took a shot I asked you to take. That wingless dick wasn't going to let us walk out of there. You killed him and saved us all".
"Yes… I shot him, over and over. And that scares me too. How easily killing comes… but it always has done. I was created to obey, and so I obeyed… I have committed atrocities I can't even remember. I have killed my brothers and sisters, I have killed countless humans, and I almost killed you. I was made to destroy, I can't fix anything, I couldn't fix you… I should have put the gun down".
Dean moved in closer to Castiel. "Listen to me, you saved us… you saved a lot of people. You fixed it Cas. Sure you had to kill the bad guy, but he had it coming. He was going to kill thousands of innocents… and look at me, I'm here, I'm alive. You made the right choice".
The former angel blinked, and a tear escaped down his cheek. He looked as if he wanted to contradict Dean, as if he doubted those words… as if he didn't dare hope they were true. But Castiel said nothing more, and so Dean held out a spoonful of mush. For a moment he thought the ex-angel would refuse. He thought Castiel might push it away and tell him he was wrong. Instead he gingerly reached out to take it, and Dean allowed himself to feel a slight sliver of hope at last.
-oOo-
However hope was a delicate thing, and it became battered and bruised along the way. Castiel's recovery was filled with good days and bad days. On the good days he would eat at Dean's insistence, and on the bad days… well, on one particularly bad day Dean went into the bathroom to find the mirror shattered. He found Castiel sat on his bed, nursing a bloody fist. The former angel said he couldn't bear Jimmy staring at him any longer.
Dean had the feeling a tipping point would come… and it came when he set a sandwich down in front of Castiel. The former angel was sitting at the table with a dark look on his face. He pushed the sandwich away.
"Cas, you know I'm going to be all over your ass until you eat that".
"I don't want it".
"Would you stop being a child and eat the sandwich? They're not that easy to make with one working arm you know".
"I don't need to eat".
Dean took a seat opposite Castiel. "You do now. You know you have to…"
"I don't need to eat because I'm dying".
"You're what?"
"I used to feel this body – Jimmy's body – deteriorate. It was breaking down around me, every cell was dying, and I stopped it. I can't any more… This body is dying all around me and I can't feel it, I can't stop it. So let me die".
"The same thing is happening to me and every other living thing on this planet. You live your life, you get old, you die. You're one of us now, so live your life… you've got a lot of years in you yet".
"I haven't got long… you don't understand, how could you understand? I was created long before your ancestors walked the land, and I was made to last eternity. This short human life is passing by so quickly, every minute, every second drags me down to my grave. Imagine you with your long human life being transformed into a butterfly with only a week to live. Would living matter to you?"
"Of course it would! I'd make it a week worth living. You have to try Cas, are you not even going to try?"
Castiel didn't answer, he just got up from the table and went to walk away. Dean jumped from his seat and grabbed the former angel, shoving him against the wall.
"You can't zap away now Cas! You have to face this, you don't get to run away!"
The former angel didn't try to push Dean away or even attempt to writhe out of his grasp. He held on to Dean's arms as tightly as Dean held him. "Let me die! Just let me die…"
"And you know what will happen if you die right? You'll go back to Metatron. Is that what you want? Would you rather be with him than me?"
"He has my grace…"
"If you want your grace back we can defeat him another way, you don't have to die".
"I just want this charade of humanity to end …"
"It's not a charade Cas, you are every bit as human and real as me. It's your soul, remember?" Dean shook Castiel as best he could with one hand twisted firmly in the former angel's trench coat.
"You know I'm not… there's something wrong with me, even as an angel I was different. I was flawed. Lucifer called me peculiar… Naomi said I had a crack in my chassis. I don't even die right" There was a sneer in Castiel's words as he recalled what Naomi said. The former angel gave a hollow laugh. "For someone who finds killing so easy dying is surprisingly difficult".
The fight seemed to go out of him then. He let go of Dean's arms, and with the release of tension they both sank down to the floor.
"You don't want to be my brother Dean, not after all I've done. You said Auriel deserved to die… I have woken covered in the blood of innocents. I hurt you, I hurt Sam. I don't deserve to live".
"You really want to know what's wrong with you? 'Too much heart was always Castiel's problem' that's what Samandriel said to me. You're not like those other heartless dicks, you care!"
"And I killed Samandriel!"
"Because Naomi screwed with your head! It wasn't you Cas! Don't you see that you're different because you're better than them? You have compassion, you show empathy and kindness. Every time you kill you regret, the others don't even question the destruction - most of them welcome it! You have too much heart and that is a good thing".
Castiel just looked at him with half believing eyes. "Even after everything you see the good in me?"
"The good is what makes you different. You're not wrong, you're not flawed, and I would be proud to call you brother". Dean released his grip on the trench coat and held Castiel's shoulder instead. His manner went from confrontation to comfort. "Remember when we first met, remember what you said to me? 'You don't think you deserve to be saved?' And I didn't, I tortured in hell, I thought I deserved to suffer… not be saved by an angel of the Lord. I couldn't see it, and you can't see it now. So I'm telling you: Castiel… you deserve to be saved".
Dean could see something shift in Castiel's eyes. Despair slowly drained away to be replaced with a spark of hope. The former angel never said another word; they just helped each other to their feet and Castiel made his way to the table. Before sitting down he took off the trench coat and draped it over the back of his chair. It felt like he was stripping away his angelic self and accepting humanity at last. Castiel took his seat and pulled the plate back over.
The tipping point had come and Castiel had made it through.
-oOo-
In time they both recovered. Dean was ecstatic to get his cast off, though he had to work on strengthening his arm. Castiel helped him through it. They both went to the shooting range to practice, as each day passed Dean held the gun up for longer and aimed more accurately.
Castiel fully embraced humanity. Dean taught him to drive. He was wary of letting the former angel loose with the Impala, but he seemed to stick to the rules of the road as if they were written by God himself. So over time Dean trusted Castiel to do more driving, he even let him do supply runs by himself. Dean was learning to let go a little, he would never fully silence the need to protect his family, but getting Castiel comfortable with humanity meant letting him have that freedom.
Their efforts on helping the angels were hit and miss. A couple more had joined their little group after hunters a few states over had found them. The detention centres were proving harder to crack. A few of their network had already been discovered trying to tap in on FBI communication, and they had been quickly arrested. The hunters weren't having much luck but human rights groups seemed to be getting somewhere. They were making demands to inspect the centres; many had concerns about the angels' treatment. The debate had gone national. Once Dean turned the television on to hear a reporter gathering opinions from the populace…
"What I've heard is disgusting, they might not be of our kind but we should treat them with respect and dignity. They are not lab rats and deserve better than that…" A well dressed woman stood on the side of the angels.
While another man said something that made Dean switch the television off… "All this human rights claptrap is nonsense, they're not human! They don't get human rights! Pull them apart I say, we've got to know if they're a danger…"
While the human rights groups were exerting pressure, this was the FBI… they would not give way. Still, the large international groups had resources. If they couldn't get in through the front door, they would surely try the back door.
The angel problem loomed large, but the every day supernatural still had to be taken care of. There was a ghost causing trouble just a few miles away, so Sam and Castiel had gone to the library to do some research. Dean was just sitting down to eat when they returned.
Sam set his laptop down on the table, he had a pile of papers on top of it. "She's cute! I think you should ask her on a date, I'm sure Dean would approve".
Castiel hovered around uncomfortably. "We were there to do research, not flirt".
"What's this?" Dean raised an eyebrow.
"The girl on the desk who helped us with the archives, she was really into Cas". He started leafing through the papers.
"Really? You hound dog". Dean smirked.
The former angel looked away and put a hand to his neck, blushing.
"Oh look, she did this photocopying for us and put her number in here!" Sam waved a small shred of paper about.
Dean snatched it with a grin. "Her name's Katie. Hey Cas, you gonna kiss Kate?"
He offered the piece of paper to Castiel, who took it and stormed off to the kitchen in a cloud of embarrassment.
"Aww, our little boy's all grown up". Dean watched him go then turned to Sam. "So, you get anything?"
Sam slid the papers over to Dean and started up his laptop. "It looks pretty straight forward. I went right back to when the house was built, but the most likely cause for our ghost is a crime of passion. A soldier, George, came back from the war to find his wife in bed with his friend Albert. Albert had been sent home injured years before… So George snaps, kills them both, then realises what he's done and commits suicide. Just think… you live through the Second World War, only to end like that".
"Yeah, sucks to be sure… Bet our boy George thought she'd be waiting for him with her arms open. Not in bed with his friend and her legs open… Think he's the ghost?"
"The other two were cremated, so it's most likely him. There have been sightings of a figure hanging from a tree too…"
"Got a location for the grave?"
"A vague one, just going to search and see if I can narrow it down…" Sam did a bit of typing, and then he frowned. "Shit… you've got to see this".
Dean skirted round the table and came to look over Sam's shoulder.
"I just pulled up a news website… looks like World Reprieve managed to infiltrate a detention centre. It's not good".
Dean cursed under his breath as he read the report, but the pictures were the worst. They came with a warning, Sam clicked past it and scrolled through them, they had to see.
"It's like a frigging concentration camp…" Image after image of pale, thin and scarred angels cropped up.
And then there came a photo of a pit in the ground. It was filled with bodies.
"Shit… what the hell are they doing to them? Auriel said he was experimented on, but this… this is slaughter".
They neared the end of the photos. One of the last was a black and white print of an angel curled up in the corner of a concrete cell. He was naked with his head in his hands.
"Is that..?" He looked familiar, but the face was obscured.
The very last photo was the same angel, but he was looking up at the camera with a haunted and bewildered expression. His face was bruised and swollen, but it was definitely Lastor.
"Don't let Cas see this". Sam was about to close the laptop when Castiel walked in, he seemed so carefree with a sandwich in hand.
"Don't let Cas see what?" He put his sandwich down on the table and went to join Dean at Sam's shoulder.
The former angel's face set as he saw the images.
"Cas, we'll stop this, we'll find a way". Dean desperately hoped this wouldn't set him back. It had been months now and he was practically fully integrated with humanity. The last thing he needed was a set back.
"I just need a moment…" The ex-angel left, heading for the bathroom.
So Dean gave him a moment before following. He found Castiel kneeling in front of the toilet bowl.
"Cas? You okay?" Dean asked tentatively.
Castiel got to his feet, there was no despair in his eyes. At that Dean was quietly pleased. There was nothing but steely determination, and anger.
"Metatron will pay for this".
-oOo-
Making an angel pay was difficult when he was an angel given to running and hiding. It was even more so considering he was the only full angel left. They had no others to go up and smoke him out. So time marched on as they struggled to make headway.
They took hunting jobs, they tried to make ground with the angels, and Castiel was eventually pushed into a date…
When he came back to the bunker Sam and Dean were sitting at the table waiting for him.
"So how did it go?" Dean asked eagerly.
Castiel had a small smile on his face. "She said she thinks I'm weird… but that's what she likes about me".
"How far did you get?"
"Dean". Sam chastised him with a word.
"What? I want all the gory details, it's just casual sex, nobody says he has to marry the girl".
Castiel frowned. "I was respectable with the young lady. She kissed me on the cheek".
"Okay, maybe next time for the casual sex then… nothing wrong with taking it slow. Was she impressed with Baby?"
Dean had insisted he pick Katie up in the Impala. He thought it was pure girl bait.
"Yes Dean, her clothes fell off the instant she got in". Castiel deadpanned.
"You're sassy as a human, you know that?"
Castiel ignored him. "Maybe I'll go to the library tomorrow and take some flowers for her. That's how you traditionally court is it not?"
"Don't look at me; Sam's the one for romance crap. I just buy the girl a few shots and get to business".
Sam snorted. "Yeah Cas, I'm sure she'd like that. Just don't go taking any advice from Dean. I think girls who work in libraries need a slightly different approach…"
"Oh no… library girls are the dirtiest of them all. The glasses come off, the hair comes down…"
Sam interrupted with a cough. "I think you're confusing real life with porn again".
"Yeah, well, the pizza man isn't always wrong. Am I right Cas?" He got up and gave the former angel a wink and a nudge.
Castiel didn't have to be pushed into any more dates after that. The rest he initiated himself. He seemed happy, which pleased Dean. At last he seemed to be enjoying life. He threw himself into their hunts and took out ghosts and all manner of monsters. Then he would see Katie. But Dean got the feeling the angels… those images… they gnawed at him deep down. Still, they were doing all they could.
-oOo-
One night Castiel returned to the bunker with a lipstick mark on his cheek.
"So Cas, when are we going to meet the lovely Katie? I feel I need to do the fatherly thing and give you my blessing. C'mere, you've got…"
Dean rubbed at the mark and Castiel batted him away. "You're not my father Dean, and I can hardly bring her here. She thinks I'm weird already, the secret underground lair might scare her off".
"You know who has a secret underground lair? Batman. And chicks love Batman".
"Of course… I'm sure her clothes would fall off if she saw this place too. What are you doing anyway?"
Dean was busy leafing through the paperwork Sam had brought from the library ages ago. "Remember that World War ghost we iced? Turns out we didn't ice it after all. We got the wrong one in fact… looks like some other girl hung herself there years before when the family farm went under".
"But the poltergeist activity stopped didn't it?"
"Ah, no… turns out the family just moved away, and it's been empty since, so we didn't hear anything. Of course a new family moves in and it all starts again. We're getting ready to head over if you want to change and get that lipstick off your face".
Castiel rubbed at his cheek self consciously. Then Sam came hurrying over.
"I've just had a call from Crowley. They've had a visit from a police officer… he got them to leave but he's worried they might come back and raid the place. I'm going to bail on the ghost hunt and head over there, you'll be okay right?"
"Yeah Sam, we'll be fine. You go see what's what… Think we'll have to move them?"
Sam sighed. "It's a possibility".
"Wonderful… Okay, looks like it's just you and me Cas, let's lock and load".
-oOo-
"It's like looking for a friggin' needle in a haystack…"
And so Dean and Castiel found themselves searching an orchard in the middle of the night. Their flashlights bounced off the grass at the foot of the trees, but no markers stood out against the trunks. They hadn't been tended in a long time, the place had grown wild with weeds and the neat rows of trees had tangled, with some broken, and some dead.
"The article said she was buried on the property under the biggest tree in the orchard. But that was years ago! The tree could be long gone…"
"Did it mention anything about the marker? How big it was? What it was made of?"
"No… just her name, dates, and something about sleeping with the angels I think. Not that kind of sleeping". Dean added with a chuckle.
Castiel sighed and rolled his eyes. "Wait… over there, there's a stump with something leaning against it".
Dean squinted and followed the former angel's line of sight. They had reached the edge of the orchard, a stone wall stood up ahead, but in front of it there was a large stump, half rotted, with a slab of stone… "Bingo".
Just as they reached the edge of the tree line a cold wind blew savagely through the branches and Dean felt a rope around his neck. His hands flew up to grasp it, but there was nothing there. Before he had a chance to call out he was pulled off his feet to hang from the boughs of the apple tree above. His lungs heaved, but he couldn't draw breath. Dean kicked his legs out; they merely flailed through the air helplessly.
And then he felt cold hands caress his face, and a soft voice whispered a lilting song at his ear… "Are you… are you coming to the tree? Wear a necklace of rope side by side with me…"
The blast of a shotgun showered salt over him. Abruptly Dean fell to the ground, hitting his knees hard. Castiel was at his side in an instant. Dean gasped each breath in, and weakly pointed at the grave. "Go… dig…"
The former angel dashed over to the weathered headstone. Dean allowed himself a few more breaths before staggering to his feet and joining him. Castiel had dropped the shotgun to take up the shovel, so Dean grabbed it and pulled the salt out of their bag. He started on circle around the grave, but that cold wind came and the grains flew away. Suddenly the ghost appeared before him, Dean loosed off a shot without a second thought.
"Dig faster Cas! This doesn't keep her away for long!"
"I'm going as fast as I can!"
Dean was torn in two. He could join in with digging and get to torching the bones faster, but that would leave them exposed. The other option was protecting Castiel while he dug up the grave, but that would leave them at her mercy for longer. For a few moments he stood with shotgun at the ready… but the air was silent, and so he stooped to pick up a shovel.
It wasn't long before the ghost appeared again. Dean shot at her, but she seemed to be learning and flickered out of existence, only to appear at Dean's side and throw him through the air. He hit the ground hard, rolled, and came up with the shotgun aimed and ready. She wasn't prepared for that one.
And so they went on, trading blows with Dean trying to keep the ghost away from Castiel while the former angel dug furiously. There was only one misstep where Dean went flying through the air and the ghost moved in quickly to tear the shovel from Castiel's hands.
The former angel started to gasp, hands clawing at his throat, while she lazily drifted towards him. Dean scrambled to his feet and loosed off a shot. Castiel heaved in a breath, but went straight back for the shovel. Dean stood at his back, shotgun raised and ready. The only problem was that he was running low on shells…
"Got it!" Castiel had uncovered the bones at last. He poured lighter fluid into the grave and went to ignite it.
At this the ghost flew into a rage, she shrieked and went for Dean. He shot through the air and cracked his head on the wall. His vision filled with sparks, but it was the rope at his neck that worried him the most. The world spun - through lack of oxygen or the blow to his head he wasn't sure… but then the merciful whoosh of fire taking hold reached his ears and an unearthly scream followed soon after.
His vision remained murky… so it was the blow to his head then. Dean blinked and made out Castiel kneeling beside him… then a hand on his shoulder.
"Dean? Are you okay? Can you hear me?"
The former angel's voice seemed to come from a million miles away, and he couldn't quite get his mouth to cooperate and answer. Dean made something like a groan and shut his eyes tight. There was a sudden stab of pain at the back of his head… uncomfortable pressure accompanied it.
The world tilted precariously and Dean realised he was being hauled to his feet.
"I'm going to get you back to the car; you're going to be okay".
Dean's head lolled, he just couldn't find the strength to hold it up. While he tried to help by taking steps his feet were clumsy and slow, Castiel was doing more to move him along… It was slow going back through the orchard, Dean's feet caught on roots and branches snagged at his shirt. More than once the two of them were almost brought to the ground. Castiel held Dean's arm tight around his neck. Dean could feel the former angel's sweat… it must be hard going for him, dragging Dean and carrying their equipment too. Somewhere in his addled mind he thought he could make things easier by walking himself.
"'m okay… c'n wlk…" Dean managed to pull away from Castiel. He took a couple of steps then collapsed into a trunk.
"No you can't" Castiel grabbed him again and held on a bit more firmly. "We're almost there anyway".
Sure enough they reached the road and the Impala stood there gleaming in the moonlight like some precious steed come to their rescue.
"A real horse would come when I whistled…" Dean mumbled vaguely. "Jus' like Trigger…"
"What?" Castiel's brow furrowed. "Never mind, let's get you in the car".
Dean had enough about him to duck his head as Castiel helped him to lie across the back seat. The former angel placed a coat under his head and told him to stay awake before getting in the driver's seat. As the car rolled along it became difficult to keep his eyes open, his head hurt and if he could just sleep for a bit it might ease off…
"Dean, wake up".
The car swerved a little as Castiel reached back to shake him.
"I need you to stay awake Dean, you've got a head injury, I can't let you sleep".
"But m'tired".
"I know, we're almost home, you can rest when I've checked you out".
"Since when did you become a doctor hm?" Dean muttered muzzily.
"Since I've had to deal with injuries the slow, annoying, human way. Now keep your eyes open or I'll put the radio on and find a station playing that boy you hate… Justin Beaver is it?"
Dean groaned and pushed his face into the dirty coat beneath him. Then he was jostled about suddenly as the car swerved violently and the brakes screeched in protest. Dean's head started pounding at the onslaught. He could just about make out Castiel scrabbling at the door.
"Let me out! Let me out now!" He sounded terrified… why was he…?
There was somebody in the shotgun seat.
"Shh Castiel… I come to offer you a choice".
Metatron.
-oOo-
Note: You might recognise the words from the ghost's song, I imagined this haunting little tune- youtube: watch?v=uKrCE1aYz7o
