Note: This last chapter was a nightmare to write. It turned out like I wanted except that I feel that I'm using the same words too many times. But as much as I tried, there wasn't a synonym I could use most of the time because it was the exact meaning I wanted. I don't have the courage to re-read it so I'm posting it right away. I rarely take so much time to write a chapter but well... it can't always flow like a river XD (and it's a lot longer than usual too).
Anyway, it's still the end, as planned, and now I'm back to Too Sexy For My Shirt :)
Expect an update on Thursday.
Matt stopped cold, his eyes searching for Mello's as if to find confirmation in them. Or in that case, denial.
"Really?" he asked, his voice not as steady as he wanted it to be.
Mello nodded, still looking down.
"Fuck." Matt muttered, his hand slipping over his face as he sat straighter, his arm falling off Mello's shoulders.
Mello withdrew slightly, bringing his hands in his lap, "I think I'll go now." he whispered.
"Can you just... wait?" Matt grabbed his cigarettes and lighter, both escaping his hands, the lighter bouncing on the tiles out of reach. He got up from the couch to pick it up, lit his cigarette, and stood there, at a short distance from Mello who was still sitting, looking at Matt expectantly, while the latter was taking long drags, barely waiting between each of them.
"Fuck." Matt repeated, looking at the ceiling as he lit a second cigarette.
"I"ll go." Mello grabbed his jacket and bag, and started walking to the door.
"No you won't. Just... wait."
Mello turned around, looking at Matt with a puzzled stare. Matt gestured at him to leave his bag and jacket where they previously were while smoking still, and for once, Mello was the one to be intimidated. So he obeyed, and stood close to the back of the couch, his arms fallen to his sides, his eyes never leaving Matt's cigarette.
The redhead felt the seconds tick inside of him, knowing that he was putting Mello through an agonizing wait, buying himself time that dwindled with every drag.
"Fuck." Matt said for the third time, looking down.
He crushed his cigarette, knowing full well that he wouldn't go for a third one.
"I'm good." he stated in a neutral tone, sitting back on the couch, Mello in total lack of understanding, unable to move from where he was. Matt handed out his hand to him, "Come here." His voice was soft, and Mello sat back. He was at the other end of the couch again, looking scared.
"How long?" Matt asked, his eyes staring at the wall face to him, avoiding Mello's.
"Two years."
"That you know, or that you have it?"
"Both."
"How did it happen?"
Matt was still too shocked to gauge if his questions were too intimate or straight forward, but Mello replied nonetheless.
"I had sex with a guy that had it. End of story."
"Fuck."
Matt stopped with the questions for a long moment, but Mello didn't try to leave this time. The only reason why Matt didn't want to look in his eyes for now was because, when Mello had sat back, along with fear, Matt had seen a slight glimpse of hope, and he wasn't sure yet if he was about to crush it or not. AIDS. Fuck.
"I thought that maybe it was related to your scar, transfusion or something like that..." Matt murmured, more to himself than anything.
"No, nothing like that. I got the scar after that."
"How?"
"My father."
Matt finally looked at Mello, wondering how on Earth a father could be responsible of such a scar. It was Mello this time who was averting his eyes.
"He wasn't so happy to know."
"You mean he did that to you?"
"Yeah... but that's the past, no need to feel sorry for me."
"What did he do?"
"He... threw acid at me. He's a blacksmith and... he was working on cleaning steel when I told him and... he threw his bottle of hydrochloric acid at me."
"Damn..." was all Matt could say. Rejection had harmed Mello physically along with the moral pain, and the redhead could only imagine how much rejection had made of Mello what he was, before he trusted him.
"But you were a model before that?"
"No, ironically, I started after that. I needed an income when I left the hospital, there was no way I'd go back to my father's so I did the crappiest jobs until I met a guy from the agency I'm in. I'm not proud of what I did but he got me an interview with the director in exchange of a... little transaction. The interview went fine, I got hired despite my scar, even if the number of shootings I did are very limited because of that..."
"What transaction?"
"I served as a distributor to the models once or twice. Meth."
"Oh. Do you do drugs yourself?"
"I can barely afford to eat so, no... maybe I would have, you know... it's not always easy... but no, at least being stone broke prevented me from becoming a meth head." Mello chuckled sadly.
"Do you still provide meth?"
"No."
Matt kept on asking question, his sentences laconic. Informations, as well as the initial shock, were slowly sinking in, and he was trying to get a picture of the whole thing. There wasn't anything he could find that was blameful to his eyes. Mello had done everything out of necessity. But AIDS. Fuck.
One thing he had to admit though, to Mello's benefit, was that during two years, he had stood alone, with his health diminished, with rejection, physical harm, and although in a place and position where going down in flames was common practice, he hadn't. In the middle of L.A., working as a model in an agency where, like in most of them, drugs circulated, providing them himself even, and obviously surrounded by not-so-recommendable people, he had kept as much of his integrity as humanly possible.
"The money, it's because of your treatment?"
"Yes... I don't have an insurance and everything I earn goes into it mostly."
"The sickness?"
"They changed my protocol, I'm still in an early stage and they're adjusting things. The previous one was ineffective, but the new one is giving me a hard time."
"I see... You started it not long after our second shooting, right?"
"Yeah... actually I only accepted because I needed the money, I would never have done it otherwise... I felt like prostituting myself, I thought you were such a freak..."
"I can understand that... I never meant to make you feel bad but... I had this strange attraction for you, like, you were so beautiful I needed more... and then there was all your attitude, it just didn't fit. I was so curious about you that it made me do things that probably seemed misplaced to you..."
Matt finally looked at Mello. "Why did you accept to visit me then, when I wanted to show you the pictures? If you thought I was a freak I mean."
"I... You make everything look simple, as if nothing mattered, you're never serious... Whatever I said, you always had something witty to reply, and when I pushed you too far, you would fight back. You never rejected me, you were pretty much doing the opposite actually, like... sticking to me, but you rejected what I had become, and at some point I realised that if you could do that, then I didn't have the right to charge you with motives that you didn't have. And... I don't know... it just... made me fall for you, the humour, the perseverance, the kindness, and, let's face it, your hotness." Mello smiled, glancing at Matt through his bangs, "But I still had my defences strong and it took me long to let them go."
"Yeah, I've seen that..."
Matt shifted to face Mello on the couch.
"Okay, questioning over." he laughed softly, "I'm glad that you didn't leave. I can't say I'm not shocked, but I'll get over it."
He lit a cigarette, silence falling back between the two again after that long ping pong of questions and answers.
Only the light sizzling of the red tip burning could be heard, until Matt crushed the cigarette in the ashtray on the coffee table.
"I suppose that it means we'll have to use some rubber when we play with our lightsabers." Matt said in a serious tone. But he couldn't help but chuckle at the sight of Mello's expression. The model's face was a mix of questioning, happy and crying at the same time, and none of them managed to take over.
He finally started laughing through his tears, coming closer, Matt opening his arms to him.
"Come here princess Leïa."
Mello buried his face in Matt's chest: "I'm not making buns with my hair."
"Aw, you'd look so pretty." the redhead hugged him.
"Shut up, dork Vader."
Both burst out in giggles, snuggling in the couch.
Mello fell asleep at some point, totally worn out, lulled by the comfortable silence. When Matt noticed, he stood up very carefully, took him his shoes off and installed him with a pillow and a blanket, before going to bed himself.
The next day, Mello was still asleep when Matt crossed the living room. He even crouched next to the couch to make sure Mello was still breathing, worried.
Seeing that the model wasn't close to waking up, Matt got ready and left, leaving a note to Mello on the coffee table. He wouldn't be long, and was slightly worried that Mello would run away while he was gone, but last night's events meant so much to him, he couldn't believe that Mello would simply go and leave everything behind.
Closing the door as silently as he could, he went out.
He grabbed French pastries on his way home, and less than an hour later, he was home again. His heart jumped in his chest when he didn't see Mello anywhere, but the sound of someone puking in the bathroom told him that he hadn't left.
"Mello, are you okay? Do you need something?" he called out through the bathroom's door.
"I'm fine, no worries." Mello's voice was weak but reassuring. Matt heard the water run in the sink, and Mello came out of the room a few seconds later, pale.
"Hey." Matt smiled at him, "Can you eat?"
"Yeah... actually the pills do that to me when my stomach is empty."
"Fuck... we went to sleep without having dinner yesterday... I'm sorry, that's my fault..."
"That's not... if anything, I should thank you..."
Matt gently pushed Mello in direction of the kitchen.
"I have coffee, tea, cocoa..." he said, rummaging in his cupboards, "And I think that's it."
"Cocoa please."
"Coming right up!" Matt exclaimed, winking at Mello as he grabbed the carton of milk in the fridge.
Mello chuckled, climbing on a stool.
A little later, Mello's head poked out of the bathroom, his hair wet.
"Matt? Can I use your washing machine?"
"Yep. Do you need clothes? I can lend you some."
"That's fine, but I'm on my last clean ones."
"Okay. But you don't have to ask you know, you live here now, or... well... I mean, if you want to..." Matt realised that he was assuming things without asking Mello.
Mello disappeared in the bathroom again. The washing machine's noise resounded, and the model finally joined Matt in the living room. He looked annoyed, as he sat on the couch.
"I... know I don't really have a choice, and that's what's pissing me off. It's not against you, don't misunderstand me but you're doing so much for me, and if I don't accept your help, my life's gonna be a mess again, and I don't even know how long I can go on like that... I mean, I wanted to do things with my life, I never wanted it to be like that..."
"Just say yes then. So you can sort things out, and do what you wanted to do with your life."
"It's not so easy..."
"You're the one that makes it difficult. You can't even accept living here with me, I wonder how I'm gonna make you accept this." Matt leant over the arm of the couch, stirring a bunch of papers from his bag and handing them out to Mello.
"Marriage?!" Mello's eyes went as wide as plates, "Are you fucking crazy?"
"No, just practical. You don't have an insurance, but I do."
Mello looked at the papers, then at Matt again, tears starting to roll on his face.
"You would really do that? I mean, you barely know me, and-"
"And nothing. It's the only way to do this. I can still do that the romantic way, it's not as if I didn't care for you, and I can even go as far as saying I'm falling in love with you, but if you can't make it with your wages, I'm most likely to be unable to take care of both of us with mines, as good as they are, so well, I could try to pay for your treatment, I have no objection doing that, but I want to be sure that I can also provide you everything else, just in case... it gets worse."
"Fuck..."
"Hey, that's my line." Matt teasing Mello, smiling.
Mello was really crying now, nestled in Matt's arms.
"You're totally crazy." he muttered, his voice muffled.
"I really like practical better." Matt chuckled, kissing the top of his head.
Mello straightened to look at Matt: "But there's something wrong with that."
"Oh? Don't tell me you want me to propose on a knee, because that's not romantic, that's just so cliché." the redhead said in a dramatic tone.
"No, but ask me at least." Mello dried his eyes with the back of his hand, smiling again.
"Oookay. Mello, will you marry a dork like me?"
"Yes." The model burst out laughing, leaning to kiss Matt, but stopping when he realised what he was doing, "But... is it only for the practical aspect? I mean... I know my condition is a big deal and there are a lot of restrictions..."
"Mello, of course it's only practical, in the sense that I wouldn't have asked you to marry me if you didn't have AIDS, I could as well live with you, and we could have a relationship without being married because, let's face it, it's too soon, but things are what they are and that's the best thing to do now. But practical doesn't mean I have no feelings for you though, or that I don't want you, if that's what you're worrying about. I'm aware that it won't be simple, that I will have to buy a shitload of condoms, but I wouldn't do all of this if I didn't think it's worth it."
Mello stared at him, letting the words sink in.
"Damn, your mother must be Mother Theresa or something..."
"Yeah, and my dad's Gandhi. I just hope I don't end up as bald as him." Matt chuckled.
Matt's hands reached the back of Mello's head, pulling him into a kiss. It started as tender pecks, Mello still holding back, when Matt only wanted to deepen it. He stopped, his forehead resting on Mello's.
"Mello, I know I can't get AIDS through a kiss, so stop worrying. I may look like I'm crazy, but I'm still pretty conscious of what I'm doing and I'm educated about AIDS, or at least I know the basics, so unless I am really doing a mistake at a given moment, just stop being so cautious, okay?"
"'Kay." Mello barely had the time to reply, Matt attacking his lips again, their tongues finally mingling.
They were kissing for a long moment when Matt began to push Mello against the back of the couch, resting on top of him. His lips left Mello's mouth to travel along his jaw, down his neck, giving shivers to the model.
Soon, Matt's hands were under Mello's tee shirt, exploring his chest. A moan escaped Mello as Matt's thumb brushed against one of his nipples. Matt pushed the shirt upwards, reaching for said nipple, teasing it with the tip of his tongue before sucking on it, trailing across Mello's chest to give the other the same treatment. Mello's breath became heavier as he felt Matt's hand squeeze his thigh, still kissing his torso.
Matt pushed Mello's tee shirt above his head, the garment landing on the living room floor. He hovered above the model, smiling.
"Don't move from here." he whispered, his voice shaky with lust.
Mello's eyes followed him until he lost sight of him, but the redhead was back quickly, brandishing a handful of condoms, "Ammos: check." he said in the most serious tone, throwing them on the coffee table as Mello laughed, shaking his head.
"Are you sure that will be enough?" he asked.
"Don't underestimate me, princess." Matt resumed his previous position after throwing his own shirt on the floor, diving for a kiss, cutting Mello's laughter.
The kiss quickly heated, Mello's hands travelling down Matt's spine, resting on the small of his back as he shifted to let Matt fall between his parted legs, his knees bending to allow his pelvis to find some friction. Matt could feel himself grow hard quickly, Mello's erection obvious under himself.
He reached for Mello's zipper, his hand slipping into his pants and grabbing his member through his underwear. Mello's breath itched under the caresses, his eyes closing as he let out a breathy moan.
He opened them again when he felt Matt slide downwards and his jeans and underwear being pulled off him. Matt got rid of his own remaining clothes, already reaching back for Mello's erection. He stopped though.
"I can't suck you off without a condom, right?" he asked.
"No." Mello bit his lower lip, looking at Matt grab one on the coffee table, rip the wrapping open, and slowly cover his member with it.
He couldn't refrain a loud groan as he felt Matt's mouth around him, warm through the rubber. He watched intently as Matt, still blowing him, grabbed another condom, and felt him shift as he placed the second condom over his own penis.
Spreading a good amount of lube over his member, Matt positioned himself back between Mello's legs, and began to prepare him with the liquid remaining on his fingers.
"Fuck me, please..." Mello murmured, his arms around Matt's neck, his lips to his ear, leaving soft kisses along his jugular vein, "I haven't been touched for two years and I'm about to explode." he chuckled.
Matt realised how much was held in that simple statement. One more thing he wanted to make up for...
Resting on his elbows, he slowly eased himself inside of Mello. The latter hissed, letting a shaky breath out to relax.
"That's what you get for being impatient." Matt pecked at his lips, "Do you want me to stop?"
"No... move."
Matt pulled out, and as gently as he could, slid in again. It took only a few seconds for Mello to adjust, and his growing moans got the best of Matt's control. Mello pushing on the small of his back to take him deeper didn't help either, and Matt picked up the pace, his eyes focused on Mello's half lidded ones.
They shot open though, Mello's eyes starting to water, the tears soon rolling on his cheeks as he climaxed, unable to hold it. His head fell against Matt's shoulder, the redhead's pace becoming erratic until he came too in a shuddering breath.
Panting, Matt straightened, reaching for the condom around his member, but Mello grabbed his hands before he did.
"Let me do that." he said, taking it off Matt, then doing the same with himself. He stood up to throw them away in the bathroom, washed his hands, joined by Matt who leant on the doorframe, waiting for him.
"That's not very romantic." Mello chuckled as he dried his hands.
"Romantic is overrated." Matt pushed himself off the wall as Mello walked in front of him, snaking his arms around his waist.
"But we can still arrange that..." Mello stated, his fingers tracing Matt's lips.
"Oh, and how?" Matt asked, kissing Mello.
"I love you."
