Author's Note: Here is the last chapter as promised. When I was writing this story I happened to capture a documentary of mental torture techniques used on captured female soldiers. Please be aware that it was pretty disturbing stuff and a piece of it ended up in this last chapter of the story.
Jaz sat on the porch swing trying to stuff all her feelings back inside. There was nothing she could do about what she'd seen in Iran. No way to fix what had been broken. She shivered at the memory of the warm blood spraying her face. In that one moment, her tormentor had done more to break her down than all the other things he had done to her. She didn't think she would ever forget that moment. Ever forget the evil that had been in his eyes. She knew she would never be the same person again.
The sun rose and she continued to stare out at the horizon. Now that the storm of tears had passed she felt numb. Worn out. She walked into the cabin letting her coat fall on the floor behind her. Someone would get it later. She walked down the hall and climbed back into Adam's bed. Instead of thinking, she stared out the window and listened to the sound of birdsong letting nothing else touch her. Sometime later she realized Adam was back in bed with her, resting his chin on the top of her head, and holding her close. She felt nothing which told her how "off" she was. She usually either felt warm comfort or the heat of sexual attraction. Hours passed. Many apparently. Adam finally got up and walked around to her side of the bed crouching down so he was in her visual field.
"You need to eat today, Jaz. McG agreed that yesterday you needed time but today is a new day. I'll be back to get you in a little bit."
Adam left Jaz behind and joined McG who was already in the kitchen.
"Top, did she talk to you yet?"
"No, I think she's being very careful not to think about anything at all."
"I think it's safe to say something really bad happened to her. Worse than what we already know about."
"I know. Obviously something bad enough that she blocked it out completely. I'm not sure if I should push her or just let her come around on her own."
"I wish Preach was here. I'm sure he'd know what to do. But he would probably tell us there is no right answer. My thought is that we push her just enough to get her to get up, eat, and shower. The rest will need to be up to her."
"If we go that route we won't be getting to the root cause," Adam worried.
"I know but her physical health needs to come first and then we can focus on the rest."
Adam gave that suggestion some thought and decided it was probably their best option. If he pushed her too hard she might insist on leaving and he definitely didn't want that to happen. He didn't want her to be alone again.
Okay. Do you feel up to handling breakfast?"
"Sure. I'll put together a hash brown casserole."
"Let me know when it's ready."
"No problem. With the stuff you have in the fridge I would say about 45 minutes."
Adam walked down the hall and leaned against his door frame looking at his bed. Jaz was a tiny figure right where he had left her. He didn't want her in his room alone. Maybe pulling her out into their activities was the best way to engage her. He leaned down and pulled the blanket out from under his side of the bed and walked over to her side and did the same. He carefully tucked it around her before picking her up. There was no protest. Not that he had really expected one. He cradled her against his chest before walking out into the kitchen. He could tell he had startled McG but he gamely went along with it.
"Morning, Jaz," McG said while Adam sat down in a kitchen chair with her in his lap.
He and McG carried on a conversation about a movie they had seen on base after Jaz had been gone. It wasn't so much the content but the voices they were hoping she was hearing. When breakfast was ready, McG cut a slice of the casserole for all three of them. He placed the smaller of the three portions in front of the chair next to Adam. When Jaz saw him place orange juice next to it she stood up and moved over to take a seat there. She ate quietly and methodically. Adam and McG kept the conversation flowing until breakfast was done. They watched as Jaz wrapped the blanket tighter around herself and took her plate and glass to the sink before walking back down the hall. Adam fully expected to find her in bed when he checked on her but instead heard her in the shower. About 25 minutes later she came back out to the great room dressed to run.
"Anyone want to run with me?" she asked.
They were both startled by the question but immediately agreed and went to change. By the time they were ready, Jaz was on the porch stretching. They took off slowly but then Jaz started to run at a steady pace. They ran in a loop for about ten miles before McG came up with a reason to put a stop to it.
"Jaz, I think I pulled a muscle."
She immediately slowed to a stop, "Will you be okay?"
It was the right question but it held no emotion.
"Yup. We just need to head back slower."
"Okay."
They walked the rest of the way back and they all took another shower. Jaz was the first one done for once and they found her in the kitchen making sandwiches. She sat down and ate hers while they did the same. The rest of the day passed quietly. Jaz would ask the occasional question and respond when she was asked a question. She ate with them, watched TV with them, and generally went through the motions of the day. But that's all it was. Going through the motions. The spark that was Jaz was gone. It was buried under a mountain of grief. The next day unfolded the same way and it was like a burr under Adam's skin. He had to do something. Something so out of character it would shake her and force her to feel something.
On the third day after Jaz had broken down in tears, Adam asked McG to make himself scarce until dinner. The medic agreed with a knowing look in his eyes. He knew Adam had something up his sleeve but didn't want or need to know the details. Around lunch time Adam found Jaz looking out the window. She was still miles away and he wanted her here. He walked up behind her and put his hands on her shoulders feeling the weight of the tension she was carrying. Her mind might be thousands of miles away but her body was strung tight enough to snap. He massaged the muscles of her shoulders and after a few minutes they started to relax. She let her head drop forward so he could have better access and her moan of pleasure echoed through the room. He encouraged her to turn around to face him. He tilted her chin up before licking across her lips. She gasped in surprise and he knew she was very much in the moment now. He covered her lips gently with his own and after a minute she twined her arms around his neck melting into him. He reached down and pulled her up and she wrapped her legs around his waist. Adam always knew they would be combustible and this was definitive proof. This was exactly why he would never have done anything like this on Base. He walked over and sat down on the couch with her still wrapped around him and he lost himself in her. They were both breathing hard when he pulled away. He rested his forehead against hers as he tried to get himself under control. It was easier said than done but he wasn't taking this any further until Jaz was her normal self. He pulled her in against his chest and tightened his arms around her. Once he had rested his cheek on the top of her head he broke the silence.
"Please talk to me, Jaz."
"I can't," she croaked out, "I have to stop thinking about it."
"It's eating you alive. You need to tell someone. Tell me."
A shiver rattled thorough her body. He grabbed the throw from the back of the couch and wrapped it around them even though he knew she wasn't really cold.
"I killed someone," she told him with her voice barely above a whisper.
She had killed many someones in her career so he knew there was more and her next words confirmed it.
"A child. A little girl."
He felt the warmth of her tears against his neck. Evidence of her overwhelming grief. He let the silence sit between them for a while before pushing her a bit more.
"What happened, Jaz?"
"I wouldn't tell him what he wanted to know. They tried physical abuse first and when that didn't work they moved onto mental abuse. I still wouldn't tell him. When he brought the dirty little girl in I didn't believe his threat. I thought he was toying with me. I was so wrong."
She was close to hyperventilating now.
"He. . .slit her throat. Her blood. . . it sprayed everywhere. . . on my face. . . my mouth. He shoved her at me. I. . . my hands were restrained. . . she died practically in my lap. I couldn't. . . couldn't even hold her. . . the look in her eyes. . . the terror. I couldn't save her. Adam. . . I don't know. . . don't know if I can do this anymore."
Her sobs were heartbreaking. Her captor had done the one that that Jaz couldn't accept. Growing up as an abused child she would now do anything. . . ANYTHING. . . to protect a child even at the cost of her own life. Just like the sketches in her book this was a situation where she'd had to watch someone else suffer. No wonder her mind blocked it out. Adam wished he could take the memory away from her permanently. He didn't want her to have to carry it's weight with her. But that wasn't realistic. All he could do now was try to mitigate some of the damage.
"As hard as this is to hear, Jaz, there was nothing you could do."
He pulled away from her slightly so she could see his face.
"There was nothing you could do. Nothing!"
He used his fingers to wipe away her tears.
"I'm so sorry you'll have to live with that memory. But you have to keep moving forward in order to protect other people. Other kids being victimized in countries where they aren't valued. You will be able to help those kids. Trust me. If you can't trust yourself, trust me."
Adam leaned back towards her and their kiss this time was filled with all the tenderness he could pour into it. All the strength he could share with her. She had bared her soul to him and he felt he needed to do the same.
"I've been in a lot of bad places in my life, Jaz, but I've never been so scared as I was when you were taken. I realized in that moment that it would destroy something in me to lose you. Nothing that happened to you in Iran will change that truth regardless of what you think."
Once he was sure she saw the truth in his eyes, he maneuvered them until he was stretched out on the couch. She was draped on top of him and he felt her stifle a yawn. He tucked the throw tighter around her. After the last couple of days, the emotional trauma and the worry, they both needed more sleep and it wasn't long before they succumbed.
The sun had almost set when McG returned. He quietly opened the front door and took a look at the two of them wrapped up in one another before he stepped back outside. He pulled out his cell phone and called Preach. When the older man's voice came over the line McG spoke,
"I owe you $20. You were right. Iran was the turning point. Jaz and Top's relationship will never be the same."
After he brought Preach up to date on the information, he knew he ended the call, McG thought about everything the team had been through to this point. There had been some high highs and some really low lows. Yet if those events hadn't happened they wouldn't be the team they were today. Trauma was often followed by immense change as one's priorities shifted and he had no doubt things had shifted today.
He had no doubt that Top had gotten Jaz to talk to him about what had happened to her. After all the man had skills. He also had no doubt that Jaz would recover completely from her capture and torture. What remained to be seen was how Jaz and Top navigated each other when this leave was over. A smile crossed his face. One thing was certain. It would be entertaining to watch and he would have a front row seat.
