Saga of Gold Squadron

Chapter 9

In the familiarity that has become my life, I sometimes forget myself and say things, which I should not. It creates complications and raises questions that I dare not answer. There was great wisdom in the advice I had been given, don't get too close.

Yet, how could I not? The colonials are a decent people, kind hearted, and welcoming. In the time away from my own world, of those so like these, I have craved the closeness that I have obtained. A closeness I had not thought to ever have again. Closeness which may endanger my mission success and the future of the fleet.

Staring out into the endless ebony, Apollo had shared with me his discovery of the old navigation dome, I thought of my past, and of the future. That is what I am trying to protect, or rather prevent. With a shake of my head I tried to steady my whirling mind. So often the concepts are confusing, even to me. And I have been trained!

Trained. For a mission to prevent a darkness from enveloping the universe, and succeeding in destroying everything good. Its touch had reached even as far as the colonies. Every time I watched Rae and her squadron fly, or Starbuck, or even Apollo, there came a stark reminder of the death and destruction rained down upon my people, and their mates, and their children.

"I'm sorry. Didn't mean to intrude.'

It is not often I am startled. I must have indeed been lost in my own thoughts.

"You don't need to apologize. It is I who am the intruder."

"Never, Jenn." Apollo closed the hatch and slide into the control seat. "You like to gaze out there, too."

"It's beautiful."

"Yes, it is." He breathed a contented sigh as he went to work fixing another of the controls.

"Have you succeeded in getting any of them to work?"

"Not yet. But I'm sure I will. I wonder what it was like, those early days."

"You've read the histories."

"History doesn't tell us everything."

I laughed softly. "You are indeed wise to have discovered that."

He stepped down and came to stand beside me, unconsciously slipping an arm around me. I rested against him in an easy familiarity. Apollo had become the older brother I had always wished for and never had. It did not matter that I was far, far older than he.

"Who was he?" Apollo asked.

"Who was who?"

"Sheba overhead Rae say something about a lost love."

I'd hoped she'd kept that to herself. I could trap myself with even telling that much.

"It was long ago and doesn't matter."

Yet it did matter. It mattered more than I could tell. Dared tell. The man I loved for a brief season. The man of my own world, before, I closed my eyes shutting out the memory.

"He was the love I never thought to have. No more than that will I tell you."

Apollo moved so he was facing me, his hands gripping my shoulders. "Jenn, you keep too many secrets."

"But they are secrets that must be kept, my friend."

"Why? What's so important you can't share them with your friends?"

Shaking my head I pulled away, again turning to face the stars. "Maybe in time."

But time I wouldn't have. I felt the sick sensation in the pit of my stomach for I knew the events that were about to unfold. Of the losses that were coming and tears fell down my cheeks.

He came to me, pulling me into his arms with that silent compassion and understanding that were so much a part of him. I knew why Serina had loved him and why another, who still stood in the shadows, would as well. True, I did not know all, but I hoped, prayed, they were both wise enough to act while there was time.

'We can see the many possible paths, but nothing is for certain until the individual choices are made,' the voice of my old teacher echoed in my mind.

I could but hope he was correct.

The women's quarters had fallen silent and I finished brushing my hair before leaving the showers. With ease, I found my bunk and settled in managing not to disturb Nona who slept below me. The steady hum of the Galactica vibrated in my bones and I knew, when the time came, that I would miss it.

Turning on my side I closed my eyes. This ship had become more like a home to me than anywhere else I had been, despite the well intentions of others who had cared for me. They had tried, yet lacked the true ability to provide love and security that a child needed.

And as a child I had come to them. Frightened, bewildered at why I had been taken, trained to become what I now was. What they had not counted on was my part in changing destiny. That came at them as a huge surprise from a race many thought of as only legend. I held a trace of their lineage in my genes. That was how they'd found me. Partly and an ancient prophecy yet unfulfilled.

I moved again, trying to get comfortable, shifting my pillow to ease the strain in my neck. Never had I thought to fall in love. My place in destiny should preclude any such conventions still I had met him.

We'd both been very young. I'd just completed my training and taken leave on a lush garden world. A love for plants I'd inherited from my mother and I'd stood admiring a huge dark pink spiny flower. The scent was delicate, not like anything I'd ever encountered and I'd wanted to memorize it.

"Very beautiful isn't it?" A voice with a soft accent asked me.

"Yes," I replied not surprised as I'd sensed his presence.

"Such beauty should be captured," and I'd known he wasn't talking about the plant.

He'd daringly taken my hand, not something most would have done considering what I was, and led me a bench. We sat and talked, not about anything important, but silly things, like any couple would have who had just met.

During my stay we spent much time together, walking in the gardens, strolling under the moons, stealing kisses, falling in love. Oh, I had known better. Marrying was greatly frowned on, yet, my mind rebelled at constraint and my heart willingly followed.

He'd asked for my hand in marriage and I'd agreed. I'd returned happy and thought my life couldn't be more complete. A short time later a war broke out and my love was killed in combat. I'd mourned him, for the life we would not share, for the children I'd hoped to have, for a future now forever closed to me.

My mentors never knew, though I think a couple suspected. I threw myself into learning to fly, to fight, to use all the weapons I had at my disposal. The war continued and I joined the final battle over a world where the darkness lived, though our part is now forever forgotten.

I sighed, opening my eyes wishing I had never chosen to remember. The one problem with a long life is that sometimes the memories can be overwhelming. Too much have I seen. Too much have I known. Too much do I remember.

"Can't sleep?" Nona whispered, though I think she already knew the answer.

"Too much on my mind." I kept my voice very quiet. We didn't want to wake anyone else. There'd been no contact with the Cylons for at least half a yahren. Being allowed an entire undisturbed sleep period was a luxury.

"What was it you used to tell me?"

I chuckled at the memory. Nona had been very insecure about her abilities as a warrior she used to stay up doing sims instead of resting. It had slowed her reactions in battle and I'd finally had to put a stop to it.

"Stop thinking too much. Trust yourself. You're not going to be worth anything in battle without rest."

"Good advice, Jenn. Now go to sleep."

We came upon them suddenly. A patrol headed for the edge of the galaxy found them and retreated before they'd been seen. I again knew a sick sensation, the culmination of events about to unfold, the ending of what I had to come to hold so dear. Precious, precious was this time to me!

"Jenn?" Rae's voice intruded upon my thoughts as we readied ourselves for battle.

"Sorry. My mind was wandering."

"Dangerous past time." Her green eyes narrowed slightly. "We're going to need all your skills for this fight."

"She'll be fine," Nona defended me.

"Nona," I gently stopped the tirade I sensed coming. "Rae is right to be concerned. This is an important battle."

"Just hope Starbuck and Apollo don't get themselves killed." Sheba joined our small group. "You've heard what they're going to do."

Did my eyes deceive me, or had she been crying?

"Should even the odds for us." Rae met the other woman's gaze.

"You just don't understand." Cain's daughter left us joining Cassie at the door. The two briefly exchanged words and left.

"Wonder where they're going?" Stacia absently asked pulling on her jacket.

Rae shrugged. "Come on, Stacia. I want to brief the others before we launch."

Gold's two female members exited, heading I was certain, for the launch bay.

"Something's got you worried." Nona lightly touched my arm.

"There are burdens," I began.

"With command?" she laughed. "Wasn't really what you were going to say was it?"

She knew me quite well. But then, I could be more honest with her about some things, since her training, and her brother's, were similar to mine.

"No." The time was almost here. "It's time."

We joined our fellow warriors for the final briefing led by Boomer, before each of us crawled into our vipers and awaited our launch orders. When it came the lurch into space and ensuing battle buried all other thoughts except staying alive and destroying Cylon ships.

In the end, we lost some pilots, but all the Hawks came home alive. The baseship and its fighters were destroyed, and Apollo and Starbuck came home safely.

I wonder, in the long run, if that really had been for the best.

Major Taygetta found Colonel Tigh in back of the officers club. He held a tankard of Ambrosia, yet didn't seem that interested in consuming it. His brown eyes watched the celebrating warriors and a slight smile touched his lips.

"They did good, didn't they?" She leaned against the wall, close to him, but not too close.

"Yes." He sipped the liquor and cast a puzzled look at her. "Something I can do for you."

She smiled not wanting to come on too strong. It was just that he was such a good-looking man! "You play Skolo?" Now why had she asked him that?

"In my younger days." He shifted like he was going to move.

"I have a table. In my quarters."

His startled look was worth the price of that admission. "How'd you?" He shook his head. "I had no idea."

"Been worth it." She'd bonded with Jenn and Rae playing games together. Both those young women would one day be great leaders somewhere in the fleet. If they didn't find Earth first. "How about a game?" She felt her cheeks burn.

"Now?"

"Why not? I can't think of a better way to celebrate."

He cast his eyes over the room. Adama was surrounded by his son, daughter and the other members of his extended family. No place for him there. "Sure."

The two left together, their tankards still in hand.

"Did you hear?" Bri nearly bubbled over with her news. "Major Taygetta and Colonel Tigh left the party together last night!"

I glanced up from the report I was filling out for Apollo. "I'm sure there was much to discuss after the battle."

"In her quarters?" Bri laughed. I'm sure she thought me naive. "I hear he didn't leave until this morning."

"Well," Stacia added her cubit's worth. "We all know she likes the man."

Rae rolled over on her stomach and groaned. "Oh, please. You're all making my head throb."

"I think that's all the ambrosia you drank," Sheba teased.

"And what about you?" Stacia turned her attention to Sheba. "I heard you and Apollo disappeared and no one saw you for several centaurs."

I noticed the slow blush creeping up her cheeks. "Apollo had something he wanted to show me."

"I'll bet he did," Nona put in.

"Oh, stop!" Sheba glared at all of us. "All we did was talk."

"Likely story." Rae murmured, burying her head under her pillow.

"So," Sheba made an obvious tactical decision to change the subject. I tried to hide my smile at her action.

"Stacia, when are you and Jerik going to get sealed?"

"Soon." She glanced at the floor. Not often she was shy when talking about her beloved.

"He's not backing out is he?" Sheba's face held a sympathetic look.

"No. We're going to be sealed."

Of that I knew for certain. It was whether or not it would be before, no, I would not allow my mind to go there. I finished my report and rose to leave.

"Has some warrior caught your interest, Jenn?" Sheba's eyes sparkled with mischief.

Rae groaned.

"Not for a long, long time," I honestly answered leaving our quarters and searching for Apollo. When I found him I gave him my report.

"Where's Rae's?" he asked as I turned to leave.

"She had a bit too much ambrosia."

He sighed, rubbing his temple. "Would you remind her I need it soon."

"Of course." I wanted to say more, but then was not the time.

Adama Journals

The defeat of the cylon baseship spread hope among our people such as I have not seen since Cain's miraculous appearance. There were celebrations on almost every ship in the fleet. Even I relaxed the regulations to allow my warriors the freedom of late hours and every one access to the officer's club.

Today, most sleep and I know I should join them. Yet, what is this fear in my heart? After the eve of our greatest victory, why does the future stretch out before me in a frightening path of loss? What is coming that I sense, but have no tangible evidence to prove my suspicions?

Will the God I so faithfully follow desert me in the time that I need Him the most? Or will He be the source of comfort I sense that I will need? Does the Book of the Word truly contain all that we need to sustain us? Or is all myth and object lessons? How I truly wish I knew the answer!

Yet, the course provided to us the Super Race seems to be taking us out of our galaxy into a blackness that is as dark as the void we crossed to find Kobol. Will we find our way as easily? Or become lost in the stars scattered distantly before us?

And why are my thoughts so dark today? I should rejoice in our victory. We finally tired of running and faced our greatest enemy. We won. My son returned to me alive after his dangerous yet needed mission.

My son. My source of joy and continuance. After Zac's lost, I wondered if my heart would ever feel again. The loss of a child seems endless in pain. As does that of a spouse. My precious wife who died in the attack on Caprica. Yet, as yahrens have gone past, I've found the pain less, though still a companion.

Though perhaps, I have the chance at new companion and life mate. That is an avenue I had not to pursue. Perhaps I should. Not for the sake of my children, but for myself. I tire of being alone. How I long for someone to share my hopes, my dreams, to comfort me in the loss and share the burden I carry everyday.

The future of our people.

I sensed Adama's pain and knew there was nothing I could do to help. He has part of the gift, a remnant left from ancestors similar to mine. I doubt he even knows. I've even felt the same in Apollo. His actions in battle especially, tell of what he, too, inherited.

How I wished I could tell them!

Trudging down the long gray corridor, I headed back to the women's quarters. Not that I was in the mood for their female banter. I knew such times were rare and needed. We needed to remember we were women and not just warriors. With the dreams as anyone else in the fleet. Love, a mate, children perhaps.

But did any truly want children that would be raised in cramped ships crawling along in space? True, there were a few being born.

"Hi, Jenn."

I stopped as Dillion stepped out of Athena's quarters. The two boys had spent the night with Apollo's sister. She hadn't wanted to attend any of the celebrations. I wasn't sure why.

"Hi, Dillion." In my culture, children were precious gifts.

"Where's Rae?"

"She spent the night in the women's quarters." No need to tell him why.

"Oh. Is she going to come get me?"

"Later, I'm sure. She's sleeping because she was up late."

"Dillion," Athena called from the door.

He glanced back at her. "Will you tell her I want to see her?"

"As soon as she wakes up. I promise."

Satisfied, he scampered back to join Athena.

"He's worried," she explained as he went past her.

"About what?"

She shrugged. "He woke up screaming about her flying away and never coming back. I comforted him and told him she would never do that. She loves him too much."