Disclaimer: I don't own Calvin and Hobbes or the Lord of the Rings.
Chapter 9: The Curse of Calvin!
The following weeks were eventless, and Calvin was growing bored. He wanted to show himself, but he also wanted to make a dramatic entrance, and there was just no opportunity sweet enough to do so. Still, being patient was not one of Calvin's strong points. It was one of the hardest things he had ever done!
One day they all stopped at a place called Hollin- in the middle of the day! "Perfect! Just perfect! How long am I going to be up here now!" grumbled Calvin.
From far below, Legolas looked up and squinted. "What do you see?" asked Gandalf.
"I…don't know," he muttered, "it's a dark speck; that much I can make out. It seems to be circling us."
"Perhaps it's a bird," suggested Sam.
"I don't like it," said Boromir, "It's probably a spy from Mordor. You'd better shoot it down Legolas!"
"I would," he replied, "If I even knew what it was!"
"You'd better wait first," Gandalf agreed, "No good comes from attacking the innocent."
It was a good thing too, because although Calvin wouldn't have been welcome back with open arms at this stage of the journey, nobody would want to claim responsibility for shooting him out of the sky!
At the moment, Calvin had no idea that Legolas had spotted him. He had decided to take a little flight near the mountains since the Fellowship obviously wasn't moving any time soon.
It was a beautiful, cool day, and Calvin was soon enjoying zooming towards the mountains, with the wind whipping back his hair. The Fellowship went way too slow!
Spaceman Spiff, intergalactic space extraordinaire, is flying toward another unknown planet. It seems to be populated by giant mountains covered in snow! Our hero decides to take a closer look.
Spiff has spotted something! He squints to see many small, black spacecrafts headed this way! Are they friendly, or do they spell doom for our hero?
Calvin squinted. The small black specks were…birds. They looked a bit like crows or ravens.
The aliens are drawing closer! Do they see Spiff? What will they do?
The birds saw Calvin and started shrieking. They moved as one and made to attack. "Yikes!" he cried and swerved to avoid them. But with a quick turn they were back; claws and beaks bared!
"Heeeellllp!" yelled Calvin, "Crazy carnivorous birds on the loose! It's like something out of an Alfred Hitchcock movie!" This referring to another movie he had seen on TV when his parents weren't around.
Spiff blasts the throttle and goes into a dive! The aliens follow and give a thrilling chase! Can Spiff escape?
Under normal circumstances, he would've gone for the transmogrifier gun the way he had used it on the Ringwraith, but that was a different situation. Now Calvin was focusing all his attention on driving the box as fast as it would go!
He didn't realize he was flying towards the camp until it was too late!
Meanwhile, back at the camp, Hobbes was stretching himself and preparing for a good, long nap on one of the warm rocks. He looked up and saw Legolas staring intently into the distance. Hobbes couldn't figure out why. The rest of the group was relaxed, even Gandalf. Apparently some people just couldn't keep still.
"What's the matter?" he asked lazily.
"There's something up ahead," said Legolas, "It looks like birds, but there's something in front of it following no flight pattern I've ever seen before."
"Oh well," yawned Hobbes, "They're not bothering us." Legolas tensed next to him. "Are you all right?" he asked.
"I just heard screams coming from that direction. They sounded familiar…"
"I don't hear anyth…"
Then in the distance: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! SOMEONE SAVE ME BEFORE I BECOME BIRD BAIT!"
"Oh no, he wouldn't…" muttered Hobbes.
"Who?" asked Legolas.
"You don't want to know," replied Hobbes.
"Don't tell me," said Legolas. At the same time they both said, "Calvin!"
"Where?" asked Pippin, who had overheard.
"Look over there," said Hobbes, pointing at a now growing black shape in the distance.
Pippin frowned. "But Calvin can't fly."
"Yes he can," countered Merry, "Remember the box?"
"Please don't tell me he followed us!" groaned Gandalf. By this time the entire Fellowship was staring at the black cloud. Legolas alone could actually make out Calvin in his box. Then he saw what was chasing him.
"Crebain from Dunland!" he groaned.
"Hide!" yelled Strider, and they scattered.
"But what about Calvin?" protested Hobbes.
"He can handle himself!" cried Merry, pulling the tiger in between some large rocks.
A few moments later, Calvin came crashing in. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" he screamed as the box crashed straight into some bushes. He scurried underneath, hoping desperately that the birds would fly over him. They did. First they circled the camp, and then they flew back toward the mountains. But for Calvin, the worst danger was yet to come!
"Spies of Saruman," muttered Gandalf grimly, referring to the evil White Wizard who had allied himself with Sauron, "The passage south is being watched." Then he glared at Calvin, who was busy disentangling himself. "And just what are you doing here, my young friend?"
Calvin had never seen anyone who looked less like a friend. "Whoops," he muttered as the entire Fellowship (with the possible exception of Hobbes, Merry, and Pippin) stared at him with angry expressions. "I…I…please don't kill me!" he begged.
"Will we never be rid of you Calvin?" muttered Strider.
"Hey! Give me a break! Who fought the Ringwraiths? Me! Who distracted them while Arwen got Frodo to Rivendell? Me! Who transmogrified one of them into a slug? Me!" yelled Calvin, "I deserve to come along too!"
"Who led those accursed birds here? You!" snapped Boromir.
"They would've found us anyway," offered Pippin helpfully.
"We'll never know for sure," growled Gimli.
"Ok then, I'll leave! You don't have to be bothered by me anymore!" shouted Calvin, starting to head towards the box.
Gandalf sighed. "Well, you're here now, so you might as well stay."
"YES!" Calvin punched a fist in the air.
"But you must be able to keep up with us, you can't complain, and you need to be able to defend yourself," added Gandalf.
"I've got a knife, my Transmogrifier, and I've had to live with a tiger for most of my life. I think I'm good to go!" said Calvin.
"Very well," said Gandalf, "Let's go!"
"We're leaving NOW?" exclaimed Calvin.
"Of course," said Gandalf, "We need to go through the Pass of Caradhas and for that we need to leave immediately."
"You're doing this on purpose!"
"I'm doing no such thing! You want to come, so get ready to leave!"
"He's doing it on purpose," muttered Calvin as they trudged out. "And thanks a lot for sticking up for me back there!" he snarled at Hobbes.
"You weren't really going to leave, were you?" asked Hobbes.
"Heck no!"
"I figured as much."
The climb up the mountain was long and treacherous. Calvin grumbled, but not too loudly. But when the path grew snowy, he grew excited. "We could have a killer snowball war!" he exclaimed, "Why doesn't it snow like this at home?"
"Because we're on a mountain?" suggested Hobbes.
Calvin didn't answer. He had an idea…
WHACK!
"Ah!" yelped Pippin as a snowball hit him in the back of the head.
"Hobbes did it Pippin! I saw him!" said Calvin quickly.
"I did no-ACK!" Hobbes was hit in the open mouth by Pippin. He spat out the snow and bent over.
"What are you doing? No! Hit Merry! Not me! NOOOO!"
"What are you doing?" asked Gandalf, when he realized that four members of the Fellowship were no longer following him.
"Hit me eh? Here's a taste of your own medicine!" cried Merry, knocking Pippin into the snow.
Calvin laughed. "I am such a genius!" he cried.
"It was you!" snarled Hobbes, "You started the snowball fight!"
"Uh…well…heh heh..."
Hobbes and the hobbits looked at each other. "GET CALVIN!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" In a desperate attempt to save himself, Calvin threw a snowball that went wildly off course and landed in Gimli's beard!
"How dare you!" he shouted. One thing led to another, and pretty soon almost everyone was involved in the snowball fight.
"Take cover!" shouted Merry, and all four friends tried to find a place to hide. But they were utterly surrounded by the others, who, now that they were in the heat of the moment, were positively thrilled to be finally having their revenge on this troublesome group.
"Ack! We're going down!" cried Calvin after getting hit several times and slumping to the ground.
"Dramatic enough for ya?" muttered Hobbes.
Only Gandalf hadn't joined in. "All right, all of you, stop this nonsense," he said, "We're on a very important mission!"
The others ignored him.
"ENOUGH!" he shouted. Everyone stopped. "Come, all of you!" he said, "We can have fun later. Frodo, Sam, Aragorn, now!"
"He sounds like Mom or Dad," grumbled Calvin, "Spoiling our fun!" Then he realized something. "Why'd Gandalf call Strider 'Aragorn'?"
"That's his real name," explained Hobbes, "What, did you think he was really called Strider?"
"It's a bit more normal than Aragorn if you ask me…"
Miles and miles away, at the fortress of Isengard, the evil wizard Saruman was just getting his report from the birds, who were flying past, shrieking a message in their language.
"A boy…in a flying box!" He frowned, wondering if he could've mistranslated. His fellow wizard, Radagast, was always better at this sort of thing anyway.
But the birds continued to shriek the same message, and Saruman had no choice but to believe them. What does this mean? He had never encountered something like this before. (It's logical to guess he never would again!)
"No matter," he said to himself, "I can at least put a stop to them going through Caradhas."
His plan involved causing a snow storm that had never been seen or felt on the mountains before. Calvin found it unbearable. "I'm freezing here!" he shouted over the wind, "I wanna go home!"
"NO!" Gandalf shouted back, trying to make himself heard as the snow blew in his face, "We must press on!"
"YOU'RE INSANE!" Calvin shouted back. Next to him, Hobbes shivered violently. He had a feeling that this time, Calvin was right. As for Merry and Pippin, their faces were a cold blue.
Gandalf tried his best to counteract the storm, but to no avail. Instead, a large amount of snow collapsed and buried them. Legolas was the first to emerge, then Hobbes, who was dragging Calvin.
"THAT'S IT!" screamed Calvin, "IF WE DON'T GET OFF THIS MOUNTAIN…"
"He's right for once!" interrupted Boromir, "We have to get off or we'll all freeze to death!"
"Let us go through the Mines of Moria," suggested Gimli.
"Or the Gap of Rohan," said Boromir.
"Isn't that where Isengard is?" asked Hobbes.
"I DON'T CARE WHERE WE GO, LET'S JUST GET OFF THE STUPID MOUNTAIN!" shouted Calvin. He was getting sick of all the discussion. Personally, however, he felt that if given the choice, he'd like to go underground and see these infamous mines!
"Let the Ring-bearer decide," said Gandalf, looking at Frodo.
"Gap of Rohan! Say Gap of Rohan!" cried Calvin.
"We will go through the Mines," replied Frodo.
And so they left. Reverse psychology, thought Calvin with a sly grin, I love it!
Once there, the only problem was opening the door. They were in an underground cavern next to a huge black lake, and the actual gate into the mines was carved in rock. Gandalf had to say the password to get the doors to work. But he'd forgotten the word.
"Try 'Open Sesame'," said Calvin.
Since he didn't get the joke, Gandalf actually tried it! It didn't work. "From now on, leave the thinking to me!" he snapped.
So they waited. And waited. And waited. Finally Frodo figured it out. The engraving on the door said "Speak friend and enter". All one had to do was speak "friend" in Elvish, and the doors would open. Sure enough, no sooner had Gandalf uttered, "Mellon!" did the doors creak open.
"From now on, leave the thinking to him!" said Calvin. Gandalf kept himself from hitting the boy over the head with his staff.
"Now, if this movie is anything like the others, this is the part wherewe seesomething scary, like a skeleton." explained Calvin.
Hobbes walked in and felt something crunch beneath his feet. He looked down. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! SKELETONS!" he screamed and ran for the door.
"And this would be the part where a bad guy comes along and blocks our only exit!" said Calvin.
With a terrific roar, a giant octopus-like monster rose out of the lake, dragging Frodo into the water with one of its tentacles. "HELP!" he screamed.
"And this would be the part where…"
"STOP CURSING US!" screamed Pippin.
While everyone else was whipping out swords and bows to fight the beast, Calvin took out his Transmogrifier. "DEATH TO OCTOPUSES!" he yelled, and fired.
Nothing happened.
"Uh-oh!" he said, and fired again, but still nothing.
"What's going on?" cried Hobbes.
"I think it's out of batteries."
"OUT OF BATTERIES? Can you recharge it?"
"Of course I can recharge it Hobbes! How dumb do you think I am?"
"How long does it take to recharge it?" asked Merry.
"About three days."
"Three days? WE DON'T HAVE THAT KIND OF TIME!" shouted Pippin, who was clearly panicking.
"This is all your fault!" yelled Merry, "You had to encourage him to play that stupid game during the Council of Elrond!"
"He started it!"
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
Luckily, Legolas still had some sense, and he shot the monster down while Aragorn and Boromir retrieved Frodo.
"DID NOT!"
"DID TOO!"
"GET IN!" yelled Aragorn, as he ran past carrying Frodo.
They all stared for a second, re-collecting their thoughts. "Oh," said Calvin. "I guess it didn't matter then."
"Yeah…" said Pippin slowly.
"RUN YOU IDIOTS!" shouted Hobbes, and he pounced on them all, landing a few feet farther than the rest of the Fellowship.
The monster had gotten its wits back and was trying to get in after them, but only succeeded in knocking the door down, causing a cave-in that trapped the group inside. "Stupid octopus," muttered Calvin.
All was dark and quiet. "We now have but one choice," said Gandalf, "We must face the long dark of Moria."
They started walking when Calvin realized something. "I FORGOT MY BOX!"
Meanwhile, outside of Moria, the Ringwraiths arrived! The very sight of them sent the monster scurrying back down into the lake. They walked along the shore, and then they spotted something. Calvin's box!
"What is this thing?" hissed one of them, climbing into it. Some of the others followed him. Another started playing with the arrow.
"Home," he read. And that was all the box needed to start working. The Ringwraiths shrieked and grabbed onto the sides as Movie Magic rose through the air and headed home!
A/N: Another cliffie! I love cliffies! And yes, I will update ASAP.
