Disclaimer: I own nothing related to Yu Yu Hakusho, except my OC Raize. Got the bruises to prove it too...
Warnings: language, insanity, and random hugs.
A/N: I AM SO SORRY for the wait. I know, I know, I suck! And no matter how many times I edit it, so does this chapter. Or so I think. But hey, I'm done with it, and now it's up for review. I hope. I literally had a meltdown over this damn thing, so I sincerely hope someone will have it in their heart to wade through it and not fall asleep. Like I'm about to. I can feel muscles I didn't even know I had right now. Goodnight.
…
8. Illusions
"Excuse me – are you alright?"
Raize groaned and opened her itchy eyes. "Yeah, I'm fine... what the –?" She scrambled upright, staring at her new company. The voice wasn't familiar, and neither was the appearance.
The girl was tiny and slender like her, very near her own height. Her eyes were wide and innocent, deep red in color and seeming to reflect the whole world.
Innocent, the water youkai thought, but not naïve. Then her eyes strayed to the other girl's hair, which fell down her back in long, fine wintergreen tresses. It looked so soft that Raize had the sudden urge to reach out and pet it.
Then she realized she was staring and clapped her hand over her mouth, blushing furiously. "Sorry, sorry!" She apologized hastily, bowing. "I-I didn't mean to stare."
The other girl laughed, voice reminiscent of snow, sweet and hushed. "No, that's okay. I'm Yukina; you're Raize, right?"
"Um, yeah... do I know you?" Raize bit down on her chapped lip. Her feet shifted uneasily; something about the girl was familiar, but... off, somehow.
"Probably not. You were unconscious when we first met. I took care of you after your fight with Hiei-san."
Raize bowed again, trying not to fidget. "Thanks for that. He has a mean right hook," she grinned shyly.
Yukina giggled. "That sounds like Hiei-san, alright. Come with me – I'm sure you're hungry." She turned and walked away with prim, even steps, leaving Raize to follow.
Right on cue, the water youkai's stomach rumbled. "Eep," she squeaked. "I think my stomach is about to become a cannibal."
…
When they arrived at the temple, they found Kurama sitting at the table in the kitchen, drinking tea and reading the paper. The picture struck Raize as absurdly normal and out-of-place, and she suppressed a giggle fueled by a starved, quickly-zombifying brain.
"Good morning, Kurama-san," Yukina smiled. "Raize, sit down and I'll go find some breakfast for you."
Raize obeyed uncomfortably. She didn't like the idea of letting someone else do all the work, especially with that strange feeling she got around Yukina.
Kurama smiled into his newspaper. "Live with it. She actually does this quite often."
Raize rubbed her eyes and set her head down on the table. "Yeah, well, living with it doesn't mean I have to be happy about it."
He chuckled. "That's true. What were you doing out in the woods last night, anyway?" At her incredulous look, he tilted his head toward her slightly. "You still have leaves in your hair."
"Oh." She let out an indecisive sigh. "Do you want the truth, or the simple version?"
"Well, let's not build a base of lies, shall we? I think there's enough of a complex web in place already."
Raize grimaced like someone had dropped an ice cube down her shirt. "Damn. I was afraid you'd say that."
"You knew I would."
The water youkai glared at him, still chewing her lip. "I f**ked up."
"Oh?"
"Okay, I couldn't sleep last night, and long story short, I ended up running into Hiei."
"I assume the height pun was unintentional."
A wry grin quirked at her lips. "You assume right."
"It's a bad habit."
"Oh, shut up, smart ass. Anyway, we started a race and at one point he reached out to shove me. When he touched my side, something weird happened with my brand and we kind of..." She floundered for a word that felt right.
"Linked?" Kurama suggested.
"Yeah, I guess. No reservations, and I mean none. I think he thinks I did it on purpose. And his mind is his safety zone, right? So that makes me an invader, which really gives him a reason to hate me, and I didn't even mean it, and he's gonna be all pissed off and it's my fault and I'm an idiot."
"Occasionally. I wouldn't worry over it; he's been through worse."
"I'm a woman, Kurama. Worrying is my job," she muttered, crossing her arms. She couldn't sit still, though, and ended up uncrossing them in the same instant. "I'm just... I'm sick of screwing up like this. I'm sick of hating, of being hated... of everything." She put her head back down with a thud, probably giving herself a bruise. "And you did not just hear that."
"Raize. Look at me."
"I don't wanna," she growled. "You're laughing at me."
"Too bad."
She turned her head to the side and peered up at him out of one eye, glaring at his amused expression.
"You act like our opinions of you don't matter, but you're walking on eggshells trying to keep yourself out of trouble. I think more than anything, you're confusing the hell out of Hiei, not turning him against you. You are honest about everything except how much other people matter to you. Does that make any sense?"
Her head shot up and she rubbed her eyes again, thanking Yukina twice when the Koorime set a plate of bacon and toast in front of her, smiled, and flitted away. "Coming from you... yeah, I guess it does," she admitted grudgingly. "Do you mind if I ask a question about yesterday, though?"
Kurama smiled slowly, very much the image of a wise old fox. "So you did notice. Hiei owes me."
"Don't tell me you made a bet over this. I haven't even asked my question!" Raize's jaw dropped in surprise and annoyance.
The kitsune set the newspaper down and steepled his fingers together in front of his chin. "Something about the Kokoryuha, am I right?"
"Damn you," Raize grumbled. "Okay, so why did it feel... hollow? Almost like it was more bark than bite, which doesn't make sense, especially with Hiei's personality."
Kurama pursed his lips, narrowing his cool green eyes thoughtfully. "Have you ever made something out of clay?"
"Yeah, I guess, but what does –"
He cut her off by holding up one hand. "Patience. I'll get there. So you would agree, if you had a malleable medium, that it's possible to create any shape you want?"
"Yeah..."
"Let's put it this way – Hiei's 'medium', so to speak, is fire."
Understanding dawned on Raize's face like a sunrise. "So he made an imitation of the dragon to make me think I was gonna get eaten?"
"Something like that, yes," he grinned. "He explained it to me after the fact. I knew something was off, because the real dragon would've killed you easily, and Hiei would've passed out. The 'imitation dragon' looks exactly like the real Kokoryuha, except it's only about a fourth as powerful and requires less energy."
"Wow. He's smarter than I gave him credit for."
"Oh, he's full of surprises," Kurama replied wryly, rolling his eyes.
A strange look fell over Raize's face. "You guys aren't... are you?" She covered her mouth as soon as she'd spoken, flinching back. "Oh crap. You didn't just hear that. Erase the last thirty seconds of your life."
Kurama's eyes narrowed again, flashing gold like afternoon sunlight lancing through the leaves of a tree. "Hiei is practically my brother, Raize – not my lover."
She let out the breath she'd been holding. "Sorry. It's not that I'd hate you or anything if you were, but that comment just sounded kinda... awkward."
He shook his head with a 'you-really-are-an-idiot-sometimes' smile. "Apology accepted. I'm glad it was me you asked instead of Hiei."
Raize stifled a snicker. "That would've gone over well. Speak of the devil, where'd he go?"
"Last I saw, he was still asleep, which is rare for him. Usually he's up at about 4:30."
"He actually sleeps inside? And how does he get away with waking up so early, especially when he stays out so late?"
"Every once in a while, he does fall asleep inside, if he falls asleep at all. He's an insomniac. I've offered help, but he won't let me drug him. Three guesses why that is," Kurama added to himself.
"Wow. Coffee and insomnia... that's a sucky combination if I ever saw one."
"That's a little hypocritical, isn't it?"
"Huh?"
"You have the exact same problem."
She blinked. Thought for a minute. Then laughed, sheepish but not really minding. "You're right. Again."
"Another bad habit."
"You seem to have quite a few of those," she mumbled as she ducked her head, grinning.
Kurama smiled and shook his head as he went back to the paper. "You have no idea." It was silent for a while, and at first he didn't notice when Raize started staring at him from under her hair.
"What?" He asked suspiciously.
She bit down on her lip to hide a smirk, shaking her head.
"Raize."
She shook her head again, but her trembling shoulders gave away her laughter. "I'm sorry," she gasped through a fit of giggles. "My brain is starved. It makes me stupid sometimes."
"Sometimes?" Confusion didn't even begin to describe the expression on the redhead's face.
The tiny youkai looked up at him again, suddenly shy. "This happened earlier too... when I saw Yukina's hair I wanted to pet it..." She buried her face in her hands and burst out laughing again, nearly crying. "Okay, there is really something wrong with me..."
"For once, I'm inclined to agree."
Raize peeked through her fingers at him. "Can I pet your hair?"
He blinked.
"I'm serious. It's driving me insane."
"Um... I suppose so..."
"Can I braid it?"
"If you want..."
Raize flitted to the sink and washed her hands, then bounced over to him and stood behind his chair, fingers poised above his head playfully like she was about to attack him. Then a sudden thought struck her. "Are you tender-headed?"
Kurama chuckled at the randomness of the question. "Not really."
She touched the crown of his head gingerly, then threaded her fingers through his hair when he stayed still and serene. His long mane was the color of autumn leaves and a nighttime bonfire burning low, soft and feathery. She had actually expected it to be heavier and thicker, like the fur of a fox, but instead it felt light and flyaway, like bird wings. "Have you ever cut it?"
"Once. It felt so strange that I let it grow back and never cut it again."
Raize smiled as she separated his hair into three main strands at the back of his neck. "I see."
"Said the blind man."
"You say that too?"
He smiled. "I must have picked it up from my life here. Hiei thinks it's strange, how these people have grown on me."
Raize frowned. "I think it's strange that people haven't grown on him. I mean he's been here for a long time, right?"
"Yes, but Hiei is Hiei, Raize. That's like trying to grow moss on a rolling boulder – it doesn't work."
"So why does he shut everyone out? I'm confused."
"That's not my story to tell. His past is something you'll have to hear from him."
"Can I be honest with you?"
"I'd prefer it if you were."
Raize's moving hands stilled. "I'm afraid."
"Of?"
"Hiei."
"Either that's a lie, or you're a very good actress."
"Sorry, let me narrow that down. I'm afraid of who I see when I look in Hiei's eyes."
"And who would that be?"
"Who I became when I almost killed Aidan. I can't explain it… I thought I'd suppressed that part of me. Then I look at him, and I see this iron tenacity and fighting instinct that I used to see in myself... except magnified by about a hundred times. I don't wanna be a killer, Kurama. I thought – and this is my weird, twisted logic speaking, here – I thought that if I got rid of Aidan and therefore myself, I'd be better off, dead and gone… but what if something went wrong? What if one or the other – or hell, what if both of us escaped alive? That would defeat the whole purpose, and then instead of one demented freak to deal with, you've got two, right? But now I don't know whether to be glad or hating myself that I didn't carry out my original plan. Now I'm second-guessing everything because you had to go and give me my necklace back, and I'm scared and confused and feeling really stupid." She took the elastic band that he held out and wrapped it around the last section of his braid, snapping it into place with an air of finality.
Kurama turned to look at her. "If I told you a secret, would you believe me?"
"The part of my heart that's still a naïve little girl wants to. My brain says not to," she replied wryly, setting her hands on her hips.
"Well, not to sound sappy, but in this instance, listen to your heart, because it's the one that's telling the truth."
"Okay, shoot then."
"You think I returned your pendant, don't you?"
"Well, yeah... who else would it have been?"
He chuckled and shook his head. "Think, Raize. It wasn't me."
After a moment of silence, her eyes widened. "No. Way."
"Is it really that hard to believe?"
"Hiei? Hiei gave me my necklace back? But he –"
" - Knows how it is to lose something that means the world to him and have to go look for it for years on end. As much as he might hate showing kindness, he won't wish pain on someone that doesn't deserve it in his eyes."
Raize rocked back on her heels, whistling long and low. "Wow." Then another thought struck her and she leaned forward, a slight crease between her eyebrows as she searched Kurama's face. "So... what about you?"
"What about me?" The kitsune leaned back in turn evasively.
"Do you hate showing kindness?"
"You're being very blunt about it." He crossed his arms, closing off the space between them.
She lifted her shoulders in a languid, easy shrug, conceding. "Call it the start of breaking old habits."
He sighed. "In truth, I'm not sure how to answer your question."
Raize tilted her head, a mix of mischief and genuine curiosity in her eyes. "Wanna go for a walk? Clear your mind a little?"
A wry smile quirked at Kurama's lips. "Are you going to try to read the answer out of me?"
The mischief in her eyes manifested as a wide grin that cracked her chapped bottom lip, but she didn't seem to notice. "So you've been warned – fair enough. Why not? Maybe all you need is a second opinion."
He got up with a slightly bemused, guarded expression settled deep behind his otherwise impassive face, following her to the door. "Maybe."
As they wandered, Raize trotted ahead and then fell behind, like the scout of a wolf pack, always watching, moving, sharp and alert. She never directly stared at him, but still she observed, never quite walking beside him but close enough to remind him that she was there.
Kurama didn't seem to mind her quick, incessant movement, or the occasional dart of her eyes over his shoulder. He had a long, unhurried stride, so placid and silent that it was hard to believe he could break into a full sprint or be ready to kill in an instant.
Finally, Raize spoke. "Geez, you're tough, man. But no, you don't hate showing kindness."
"Oh?" He stopped and turned toward the spot she presently occupied, leaning against a tree, arms folded with the bottom of one foot pressed against the bark, as if seeking to draw from its stability.
Her green eyes blazed like embers when a shaft of sunlight lanced into them. "It's not hatred. It's just... difficult. Your mind is logical and calculating, and it sees kindness as a way to get what you want. But there's more than that. You rebelled against your nature as a thief – because of someone you met here, correct? And now you try to make the conscious decision to be kind, even if you don't serve to gain anything by it. It's not always easy, but you figure fair is fair since the alternative isn't 'right'. How am I doing so far?"
Kurama chuckled softly, almost bitterly, shaking his head. "I have to know... where did you learn how to do that?"
"What, read people?" She frowned slightly. "I don't remember learning it... I just remember doing it. Obviously I'm not very good at it – Aidan's proof of that – but no one really taught me, if that's what you're looking for." A shrug pulled at her slim shoulders again. "Sorry."
He kept laughing, covering his face with one hand. "Oh, Raize."
The water youkai's frown deepened. "You okay?"
He gave no answer, only looked at her through his fingers like she was the most thick-headed person on the earth.
Raize glared at him. "Not funny." Then she flitted to his side, pried his hand away from his face, and wrapped her arms around him in a vice-like hug, pressing her cheek to his chest.
Kurama blinked at her. His hands fell to her shoulders, as if to push her away, but he didn't really make an active attempt to disentangle himself from her. He opened his mouth to speak uncomfortably.
"No talking." Raize's command was muffled, but firm. "I know you don't trust me. You don't have to. I just... thought you needed a hug."
"You strange child," he murmured, and almost awkwardly, he hugged her back.
