Kurt hugged his knees against his chest as he sat on his bed, once again surrounded by the dullness of his empty bedroom. Friday night dinner was awkward to say the least. His dad tried, he really did and Kurt was so grateful for him. He tried not to make it into a big deal yet once or twice he slipped up and just had to mention it at the dinner table. It wasn't that Kurt was ashamed; it was just new to him, being open about it, especially with his dad. They both had to try hard to make it okay. They didn't bring up Blaine but Kurt knew that his dad wanted to ask about him. He also knew how disappointed he would be if he knew Kurt hadn't done anything to reach out to him.

It did feel like a weight was lifted from his shoulders though, even though he'd lost Blaine he still had his dad.

But he'd lost Blaine. That was just it. Blaine had just slipped away and Kurt didn't do anything to hold on to him. The only friend he'd ever had and he didn't have the guts to tell him who he really was because he just couldn't predict how he would react. He didn't know who he was more upset at; Blaine for saying what he did or himself for being such a coward.

He mostly stayed in his room all weekend. He'd had plans to go to the mall with Blaine on Saturday but it was clear to both of them that that wasn't going to happen. Blaine had stopped texting and Kurt couldn't make up his mind whether he was relieved or not. He tried to do some homework as he was starting to fall behind but when he found Blaine's note tucked into his textbook he hastily closed it shut and couldn't bring himself to work on anything else after that.

He picked up Blaine's tattered copy of The Great Gatsby that he had yet again forgotten to take home with him and found the place he had read up to the last time he used it to distract himself. He wasn't sure why he thought reading Blaine's book would help take his mind away from his friend and, much to his dismay it didn't. He couldn't help but picture Blaine whenever he read Gatsby's name but he still continued to read regardless.

He refused to leave his room, eating up the words and embracing Gatsby's sorrow, the dull ache in his chest whenever Blaine came to his mind faded eventually and he couldn't help but appreciate why he liked it so much. It wasn't a conventional love story but he couldn't deny that Blaine was right, it was romantic. Gatsby changed his whole self so that Daisy would give him a chance, to accept him and to love him.

He finished it late Saturday night, closing the book and holding it tight in his hands as he stared at the back cover, brushing his thumb over the frayed edges. The last several days seemed suddenly to weigh heavily on him as reality slowly seeped in again. He sighed before turning the book over and started over from the beginning in an attempt to hide from everything that was real, falling into the fictional world just so he could forget.

Kurt drove himself to school Monday morning surprised that he felt slightly better than he did on Friday. He had hoped that the weekend might have given him some time to recover. As he parked and saw Blaine's car across the parking lot, he knew that he was just that little bit closer to talking things over with Blaine. He decided that he would actually make an effort that day. Things were looking up.

He was being incredibly unfair to Blaine by pushing him away and he knew this; Blaine didn't even know why Kurt was so angry. He remembered all too clearly the look of confusion and pain when Kurt had asked him to leave and he just couldn't be around Blaine knowing what he would think of him. But they needed to get passed it. The hypotheticals and the what-ifs could go both ways. What if Blaine was happy for Kurt? What if he…felt the same way Kurt did about him?

Blaine wasn't waiting at his locker that morning and he wasn't sure if he was relieved or not. He was searching for his calculator when he heard a familiar voice. It was Blaine, but he wasn't talking to him. A girl's voice followed soon after in a murmured tone and Kurt glanced to the side to see Brittany standing with Blaine at her locker. His eyes traveled slightly south and his heart lurched when he saw Blaine's hands planted firmly on her hips, holding her flush against him. He tore his gaze away; he was only torturing himself by looking. He scowled into his locker as he looked angrily for his calculator yet when the hushed voices of the two ceased, he couldn't help but peak in their direction again. When he saw Blaine's lips locked with hers, he was almost certain he stopped breathing. It wasn't a quick peck, it was full blown making out right there in the middle of the hallway and he was fairly certain there was a considerable amount of tongue. The thought made his insides squirm as he tried to rid the image that was suddenly burned into his eyes. It hurt. Seeing Blaine with someone else hurt. Any and all progress he'd made in the battle against his own doubt quickly vanished.

He mostly pitied him. Blaine was hiding who he really was. Even if he wasn't completely sure that he was gay, he did say that he wasn't interested in Brittany, so why was he suddenly sucking faces with her in the hallway? Kurt knew that Blaine was just trying to fix himself; he also knew that it would never work. It's not something you can fight; it's just something that you are.

He wanted to help Blaine find himself, to show him that it was okay but he was just too scared. Things were so different. In the space of just a few days they had gone from best friends to complete strangers. It was as if the last 10 years of their friendship just hadn't happened at all.

But why was he so angry again? Blaine needed help, he needed a friend but all Kurt could feel when he looked at him was pain.

He tore his gaze away, cursing himself for staring for so long as it would just make it all the more difficult to forget, and finally found his calculator before slamming the locker shut and marching towards his first lesson. He saw out of the corner of his eye as Blaine shot him a glance as he passed but made sure to not even recognize his presence as he continued on his way to class with a stern face. The moment he turned the corner however he felt himself falter as his mask fell apart. He brought a hand up to press against his forehead as he slowed in his tracks. Why did he have to be such a coward?

Taking several deep breaths, Kurt managed to pull himself together enough to drag his feet through the hallways again, his head hung as he stared gloomily at the colored tiles. He tried not to let his mind wander but it was inevitable that he'd think of Blaine, yet his thoughts didn't stay on him for long as a pair of hands shoved him brutally into the adjacent lockers. The collision stunned him momentarily as he fell to his knees and tried to figure out what had just happened. He looked up to see Puck snickering, Finn was beside him but didn't look quite as amused as he frowned at his friend before they left. Kurt gingerly clutched his bruised shoulder; the marks from when he'd been tossed into the dumpster the other week had only just begun to fade and he'd relished in the fact that he would no longer have to hide them from his dad.

He felt his eyes burning but this time he wasn't going to let himself cry at all. He couldn't just sit and sob every time someone pushed him around. It was becoming more and more frequent and crying would do absolutely nothing. He pushed himself back onto his feet, still clinging to the tender bruise, people walked right by him, ignoring his existence. No one had helped him; they just looked straight through him. No one seemed to care.

He picked up his bag and positioned the strap on his uninjured shoulder and continued on his way, forcing down the feeling of complete and utter loneliness.

Math was uninteresting as usual. Brittany took his seat again and he was slightly relieved that he wouldn't have to be in the middle of the two. At least he could have his back to them and wouldn't have to be forced to witness the disgusting doe eyed glances that he knew they were giving each other.

He walked past the bulletin board on his way to the parking lot at the end of the day, pausing when he saw a sign up sheet pinned crookedly to the board that hadn't been there the last time he'd checked.

The New Directions!
Glee club
Sign up below,

He scrutinized the paper, there was only one name so far and there wasn't any more information on what the New Directions actually was besides that it was a glee club, yet somehow he felt suddenly inclined to try out, to just go for it. He loved to sing and had an impressive range and glee would certainly be more interesting than the old choir. He needed something. High school was just too much to bear without a single friend; without Blaine. Maybe he'd meet people who would accept him for who he was. It was unlikely considering he attended McKinley but it was worth a try.

He took several quick glances to the side before grabbing the pen and signing his name below that of someone named Mercedes Jones.

It didn't take him long to choose what song to sing for the audition; Mr. Cellophane had been on his mind a lot recently. He was up half the night practicing, much to his dad's dismay. He'd had to tell him to keep it down three times despite their bedrooms being two floors apart.

The next day he flew through his audition like a breeze. Mr. Scheuster, the Spanish teacher who was the new glee club director seemed to be impressed with his vocal ability and he tried not to let it get to him that everybody who auditioned made it into the club; All five of them.

The first day of rehearsal was mostly just for everybody to get to know each other. Mr. Scheuster gave an overly optimist pep talk about how they were more than just a team, that they had to be a family and that they had to connect. Kurt had looked around the room wearily; his people skills weren't brilliant. Instead of trying to make friends he put up his walls because if he acted confident then they'd see him as so…right? He couldn't help but come off as obnoxious though but he tried, he wanted to fit in just for once.

He met T-T-T-Tina first and found himself getting irritated whenever she couldn't get her words out. He smiled pleasantly however since he wanted to be confident, not rude. She was shy and he was uncomfortable so they didn't have a lot to say to each other.

His brief encounter with Artie consisted of Kurt telling him exactly what he thought of his sweater vest and bow tie combination and Artie rolling over his foot with his wheelchair supposedly by accident. Kurt grimaced when he apologized profusely before rolling himself away.

Rachel Berry was definitely going to be a name that was going to haunt him in his sleep. From afar she had seemed like a normal sane girl who just liked to sing and he'd honestly thought she was his best shot at a friend yet after spending five minutes listening to her rambling on about her gold star metaphor and her alikeness to Barbra Streisand he wanted nothing more than to punch her pretty little mouth, or at the very least stuff it with a sock. Her superior than thou attitude-not unlike his own but he ignored that fact-got old quickly and basically every thing that came out of her mouth was pure, unbridled insanity. Until she sang of course, but he'd never admit how spectacular she was, at least, not to her face.

Then there was Mercedes and her wardrobe of neon colored obscenities that made him wish he was born without eyes. She was feisty and strong but she was big hearted and Kurt found himself drawn to her. They had a rocky start, of course Kurt being Kurt found it imperative to explain everything that was wrong with her outfits and she didn't appreciate his 'good intentions', jumping down his throat whenever he'd so much as look at her outfit wrong but eventually they found themselves laughing about it and Mercedes finally relented and let Kurt give her some fashion tips.

Mercedes was amazing. She was sweet and funny and they always laughed when they were together. But she wasn't Blaine.

Kurt's heart still clenched when he saw Blaine in the hallways, Kurt with his arm linked with Mercedes' and Blaine hand in hand with Brittany. Their eyes occasionally met for a brief second but never for longer. Blaine was always the one to look away, as though he was almost ashamed and Kurt just felt incredibly depressed whenever as they walked past each other. It was too late; he'd missed his chance to apologize. Now it was as if they were strangers.


Blaine had been mad at Kurt, he was mad for abandoning him and for not accepting who he thought he might be.

But then he just missed him. He had been trying everything to show Kurt what he was doing; that he was still with Brittany and how much he was trying to just make things normal, to make him normal. Perhaps making out with Brittany right next to Kurt's locker wasn't his most tactical of plans. He had looked hopefully towards Kurt when he had passed, praying that he'd just forget what he had said about being gay, pretend it had never happened but, much to his disappointment, Kurt just continued to act like he didn't exist.

He didn't like Brittany. Well, he liked her in that she was generally nice and sweet and a little cute when she lived in her own little bubble but he would never feel any romantic feelings towards her. He tried to force himself to enjoy their kisses, from the chaste pecks to the long make out sessions but whenever they kissed he couldn't help but just zone out of reality, think of better times when his life hadn't sucked so much and he hadn't felt so alone…and when he had Kurt. He found himself thinking of Kurt more and more when he made out with Brittany, it stopped him from coming back to realize just how unpleasant kissing someone was when there were no feelings attached.

He missed Kurt though, and it just ached that he didn't even seem to feel the same. He strolled around the school just as confident as he always had and had quickly made new friends. Blaine had seen him around with a girl from the glee club that he had joined and wondered if they were dating. The way they acted together was cute, always linking arms and laughing about something and Blaine wished that his relationship with Brittany could be as easy as theirs.

The guys on the football team seemed to warm up to him once they realized that he no longer hung around with Kurt and he wasn't sure if he should be grateful or offended. Even Karofsky was nothing but friendly. He'd spent some time after school at Finn and Puck's with several of the other guys just for something to do; he never realized how much of his spare time he had spent with Kurt and was endlessly bored when he was home. Finn and Puck were great, a little rough and very boisterous but they were nice to him and he was glad he had them but spending time with them just wasn't the same as it was with Kurt. He felt like he had to wear a mask all the time and be someone he wasn't.

He was insanely jealous when he discovered that Finn had joined the new glee club. He'd be lying if he said he didn't want to join, not only to try and be closer to Kurt again but also because it actually seemed like fun. He knew that Kurt wouldn't want him there though and instead settled for listening to brief snippets of their rehearsals as he walked by the choir room on his way home. Kurt always looked like he was having fun and he tried not to let it make his chest ache.

It was in a morning assembly when he finally got to hear what they sounded like. He had perked up when Principle Figgins had introduced them and suddenly the stage had his full attention. Of all the songs he had expected them to perform, Push it was considerably low on the list. His mouth literally hung open when they started. He wanted to laugh; he wanted to cry; he just wanted to tease Kurt endlessly because it was hilariously brilliant. He found himself smiling stupidly and chuckling to himself as he tapped his foot to the beat. It was over the top and almost everyone around him watched with confused or just blank faces and some of the teacher's looked thoroughly unimpressed. He didn't care though because Kurt was moving his hips like he had only ever seen him do in the confines of either of their bedrooms when they had their lame dance parties together.

It had been over a month since he and Kurt had last spoken. The Push It performance had made him realize just how much he missed him, how much he missed teasing him and dancing with him and laughing together, just being them. Brittany still clung to him like a leach and he had become almost immune to her. Blaine kissed her, he hugged her and he said sweet boyfriend-like things to her but he still didn't understand her. He definitely didn't love her.

He was on his way to meet Brittany by her locker- he was eternally grateful that her locker was so close to Kurt's- when he made up his mind. He bypassed Brittany's locker and continued straight towards Kurt's, she didn't even notice him walk past. He stood awkwardly beside Kurt who didn't see him behind the door to his locker and wrung his hands together as he braved himself to say something.

"Hey," he said so quietly he was surprised Kurt actually heard. Kurt turned and did a double take when he saw Blaine standing sheepishly beside him. Blaine wasn't entirely sure where to look, he always used to look Kurt in the eyes when they spoke because after all the years they'd known each other, he still couldn't work out what color they were.

There was a pause in which Blaine felt like his entire world was in the balance until Kurt replied.

"Hey," he replied slowly. Blaine froze; he hadn't actually considered what he would say past 'hey' and his vocabulary seemed suddenly to vanish. He looked up to see Kurt's brows raised and his eyes searching for something he wasn't quite certain of.

"Hey," Blaine said again, his voice wavering and uncertain. Kurt blinked several times before looking around uncomfortably as he hugged his arms around himself. "I miss you," he whimpered earnestly before allowing himself to look Kurt in the eyes, "and I'm sorry." Kurt returned his gaze a little stunned before quickly averting his eyes. "I'm trying to…to not be…you know…I'm with Brittany and things are…going okay I guess." Kurt scrutinized Blaine, making him squirm under his gaze.

"Why are you still with her?" Kurt asked quietly and Blaine frowned.

"B-because I…I don't want you to hate me anymore. Like I said I'm trying to change…"

"But you don't have to change-"

"I just want things to go back to how they were." Kurt narrowed his eyes as he calculated things in his mind.

"Tell me what to do Kurt, anything. I'm doing my best here but…Please, just tell me why you can't even look at me anymore," Blaine pushed, trying to firm but he couldn't stop his voice from shaking. He breathed deeply. Kurt opened his mouth to say something before pausing and closing it again, shaking his head softly. "I think we should just…sit down and talk about what the hell happened between us. We just seemed to…stop, and I hate it." Kurt looked back up to him as he bit the inside of his cheek and seemed to consider what Blaine had said. "Why don't I come over after school…If that's okay? We can talk and maybe have Friday Movie Night…just like we used to." Kurt shifted uncomfortably as Blaine waited for a response.

"I can't do today, I have this car wash thing with the glee club." He paused for a second as if considering something. "How about tomorrow?"

"Saturday? I kind of have a football game…" Blaine said apologetically as he sighed in frustration.

"Kurt, you coming?" Mercedes interjected, linking arms with Kurt and Blaine tried to convince himself that he wasn't even a little bit jealous.

"Yeah, I'll just be a sec." He said, smiling affectionately at the girl and Blaine's heart tugged in what was definitely not jealousy. "How about next Friday?" Kurt suggested, turning back to Blaine and jolting him out of his thoughts.

"Uh, yeah sure, that works," Blaine said nodding as he quickly searched his brain to double check that he was free.

"I'll uh, text you I guess…" Kurt said with a slight uncertainty as he offered a fraction of a smile. Blaine's eyes widened as he nodded yet again; it had been far too long since he'd last seen Kurt smile at him.

"Yeah," Blaine said as Kurt left with Mercedes. He breathed a heavy sigh through his shaky chest and had to take several minutes to actually realize what he had just done. He'd taken a step forward. Blaine Anderson; fixer of things he himself screws up finally did something that could be considered productive.


As Kurt walked away he hated himself. Guilt gathered in his lungs and swarmed until his whole body felt like a hollow, empty shell. Kurt was the one who was stubborn, cowardly idiotic the list goes on…Blaine had done nothing wrong, yet he was the one to initiate contact after so long. He had apologized for being gay. Kurt couldn't even stand to be near himself.

"Kurt, are you okay?" Mercedes asked, eyeing him curiously. He snapped his head to Mercedes as he was pulled out of his thoughts of self-hatred.

"I'm Fine," he replied shakily.