Slap 'Dat Ass, Muthafucka
. . .
"He embarrassed me in front of everyone earlier. This is how I'm paying him back." Lucy's soul was frantic and Cobra chuckled. "Relax, he'll come to in about fifteen minutes. Know anything else we can do in the meantime?"
Cobra threw her a coy smile. "If we were to have sex, what would we do with the other twelve minutes?" Lucy said, knowing that Cobra often settled down when she played his game.
"You're hilarious, thinking I'd last longer than three minutes," Cobra chuckled.
Lucy pinched the bridge of her nose. "You're the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard."
Cobra just laughed.
. . .
"Sit your pretty ass down," Cobra said, motioning to the seat across from him.
Lucy crossed her arms. "Why should I do anything you tell me to do?"
"Fine, don't find out about Jellal's brother. See if I care," he responded in an easy tone. Lucy pursed her lips but complied. Cobra, lying down on the couch, turned to rest his head on the armrest and looked at Lucy. "What do you want to know?"
Lucy narrowed her eyes and gave him a confused look. "Everything. I don't even know what questions to ask."
"Mm-kay," Cobra responded. "So, Jellal grew up in a small village of mages, just like Racer, Angel and Hoteye."
"And you?" Lucy asked.
"Focus, sweetheart," Cobra said before continuing. "He had an identical twin brother, his name was Siegrain. Apparently almost everyone in that village bore twins, it was very common. Well, things went pretty bad in the Tower for Siegrain. Jellal was convinced he was possessed but, I dunno, I always thought the guy just went crazy. Either way, we're all pretty lucky cause it was him that got us all out." Lucy went to speak and Cobra held up his hand. "The details of that are for later. We're on a limited timeframe, 'member?" he said, motioning to the still sleeping Jellal.
"Right."
"So Siegrain got really powerful as I'm sure you're aware. He worked himself through the ranks somehow and got on the Magic Council. Youngest person to ever do it. Fucker was still crazy though. He went back to the Tower, convinced the Magic Council that it had to be destroyed and that the only way to do it was by hitting it with an intense etherion blast. They bought it, and your Guildmembers stepped in."
"I don't get it. Why did my team get involved?" Lucy said, feeling confused by everything.
Cobra shrugged his shoulders. "Apparently your Ruby Red had some sort of ongoing relationship with Siegrain that they continued from their Tower days. She knew what he was really trying to do."
"Which was?"
"Patience, precious," Cobra laughed at her insistence. "He wanted the etherion blast to hit him. He had some fucked up theory that he could absorb the energy and grow his power by that much more. Didn't work, and your teammates couldn't get to him in time to stop him. Mofo died trying to bite off way more than he could chew."
Lucy slumped back in her chair. "Fuck," she exhaled.
Cobra nodded and faced the ceiling. "Yep. The blast did destroy most of the Tower though. At least from what I've been told." A bit of mumbling distracted the pair and they looked at Jellal. "We got another five minutes, Starbright. You sure you didn't wanna get on?" he said, quite literally pointing to his groin.
"No," Lucy said rather forcefully.
"Well that's deflating," Cobra sighed. He turned to look at her again. "Can we put Mr. Moody outside? Please? Think of it, he's gonna wake up and not know how the fuck he got there!" Cobra started laughing as he tried to finish the sentence.
"Oh, I think he'll know how he got there," Lucy said with a roll of her eyes.
"Looks like Mr. Moody is rubbing off on you. Just not in the way you want." Take a second, and think about it.
Jellal finally woke and blinking his eyes open he could see Lucy and Erik trading remarks back and forth. He knew what had happened, he also knew that when he scolded Erik in front of the team about his behavior, he was likely going to pull some stunt like this. Thankfully it was just putting him to sleep. Erik had been known to get nasty in the past. Poor Macbeth was deprived of the sense of smell for an entire month because he had bested Erik at cards.
Not just because he beat me at cards, I'm not that petty. It was also because he was being a prick about it. He lost his sense of smell for being a prick.
Jellal considered the pair for a brief second before either realized he was cognizant. Despite their obvious bickering, it almost seemed like Lucy had a calming effect on the poison slayer. The fact that Jellal was only knocked out for a fifteen-minute nap was testament to that.
"I suppose you felt like you could handle the research yourself, Erik?" Jellal said, startling the pair. "And that is why you gave me the opportunity to rest?"
"Actually, I was commenting to Starbright here about how rude it was for you to take a nap while we were so hard at work!" Cobra huffed.
"Lucy, might we enlist the help of your spirit now?" Jellal asked her, ignoring Cobra's sass. Excuse me, but I am not sassy. My god, I've never been so offended in my life.
"Sure," Lucy said, jumping up and holding Crux's key over her head. A chime sounded and the spirit appeared.
Cobra snickered. "Hey Lucy, that's a nice power you've got there. Ever thought about using it to power a mega death clock?"
"Fuck you," she responded.
"Lucy, I'm surprised at you!" her spirit exclaimed.
The girl blushed furiously. "I'm sorry, Grandpa."
"Grandpa! She's so terribly abusive to me!" Cobra whined, getting off the couch. "Please, tell her to stop it! My heart can't take it."
"Lucy, is this true?" the elderly spirit said to her, looking quite concerned.
Jellal stepped in. "I can assure you, Sir. My teammate merely jests. He is," he paused, "known for that. Lucy has been nothing but the perfect lady to him."
"Buzzkill," Cobra muttered under his breath.
"Grandpa, would you be able to do some research for us?" Lucy asked sweetly. The spirit nodded his head in agreement and Lucy smiled, turning to Jellal.
"Sir, we are currently located in the Kingdom of Caelum. Up until twenty years ago, the Kingdom was engaged in a civil war, yet no one remembers anything. Can you confirm the existence of this war?"
The spirit immediately fell asleep and Jellal looked shocked. Lucy giggled. "He does that when he's looking into things. He'll wake up when he's found what he's looking for."
"While we're waiting," Cobra said with a coy smile and Lucy gulped. "Wanna know what we did while you were sleeping?"
Jellal met the poison slayer's jovial gaze and calmly replied, "No, thank you."
"I bet you do," Cobra prodded.
"How long does he usually take?" Jellal inquired of Lucy.
"That's what she said!" Cobra shouted and Lucy groaned.
"Really? You're still doing that?"
"That's also what she said?" he replied a bit sheepishly.
"So, you are correct, young man," the spirit began to talk and all three turned their attention back on the floating cross. "This Kingdom did suffer a terrible civil war, which ended twenty years ago. However, there are no Earthland records of the war. What I know, I know from the Spirit Realm Archives."
"Could you tell us what you know?" Jellal asked, somewhat urgently.
"I had a copy made of the entries," the spirit said, handing a leather bound book to Lucy. "You'll have to read it to them, my dear. Only you, as the holder of my key, can see what's written in the pages."
Lucy nodded in understanding. "Thank you, Grandpa."
"I'm fairly exhausted now. Do read that. I expect it will take a few days. By that time, I'll have recovered enough to answer questions," the spirit said with a weary yawn.
"Goodbye, Grandpa," Lucy said with a bow.
Cobra jumped forward, nearly knocking the girl over. "Goodbye Grandpa!" he added in a childish voice before the spirit vanished.
"What the hell?" Lucy said, pushing the slayer off of her. "Personal bubble, please."
"Oh, I'd love to see you personally blow some bubbles."
"That's sexual harassment!" Lucy shouted.
"That's not but this is," Cobra said, pinching her ass.
Lucy completely forgot about her blue-haired crush standing there or trying to behave herself as the new guildmember. Instead, she went all out, swinging the leather bound book at Cobra's head. "I'm going to kill you!"
Cobra laughed as he dodged her attacks. "I didn't know you liked it so rough, but I'm game!"
Jellal watched the scene before him: Lucy holding the tome over her head, chasing Cobra around the room with it as the man shot crude one-liners at her. For the first time in several years Jellal actually laughed before thinking to himself, "Oh, he's got it bad for this one. Which means I've finally got some much needed leverage."
END CHAPTER 9
. . .
What the fuck is the Hope Diamond plotting. I don't like him laughing one bit. Gives me the eebie jeebies.
He's got a point though. Not sure why I haven't poisoned the girl's ass just yet for all her sass. It is a nice ass though, that I can tell you, first hand-see what I did there?
Speaking of—go google the chapter title. Yeah, that song will now be in your head for the rest of your life. You're welcome!
Later bitches!
