Author's Note: WARNING!!!!! Disturbing subject matter. Very disturbing. As usual, I'm dealing with my own paramedic issues by using Johnny and Roy, exorcising my own considerable demons. I recently had a very traumatic run, and might not have gotten through it with both my career and my sanity intact if it hadn't been for some of my closest friends. Doc and Ray as usual kept me from doing something stupid like walking off the job, and Emom and Nyxlestia for helping me deal with the aftermath. Thanks so much to all of you. This is for you.

Roy stood in the doorway of the bay watching Johnny helplessly. The younger medic's shoulders shook with his sobs, and Roy was torn. Did Johnny want to be alone? Was this the time to step in and give some 'fatherly' advice like a TV movie or something? And what advice could he possibly give? An hour ago, John Gage had held a dead infant in his arms, a baby that had been gone too long for them to help. He had to look a grieving young mother in the face and tell her he was sorry, there was nothing they could do. What could Roy possibly say to ease that pain even a little?

So he stood there in the doorway, watching his partner and friend's heart break, knowing there was nothing he could do, knowing that all he could say was "It's part of the job" or something equally cold and heartless. He had no idea how long indecision held him there, but he was shaken out of his reverie when Johnny said, without looking up, "Come sit down, Roy. You've been standing there forever."

Roy sat down beside Johnny on the bumper of the squad. "I was trying to decide whether to come give some advice or let you try to work it out on your own."

Johnny still hadn't looked up from the spot on the concrete floor. "And so you decided to just study me and see how I handled things?" There was no venom in his voice, only pain and exhaustion.

"You know better than that," Roy replied, sounding equally drained. The silence dragged on, and Roy felt the need to explain himself. "There's nothing I can say to make it easier. And there's a lot that I could say that could make it worse."

Johnny acknowledged that with a nod, and the silence overtook them again. Finally, Johnny looked over at him. "How many times?"

"How many times what?"

Johnny's eyes were unreadable. "How many times have you done that? Have you looked into a crying mother's eyes and told her 'I'm sorry, with all my training and fancy equipment, I couldn't bring your baby back to you?' Held a lifeless infant in your arms, knowing it was hopeless? And more importantly, how in the hell do you come back to work the next day?"

Roy's stomach turned in his stomach, but before he could answer, Johnny continued. "Did you see her Roy? She was so tiny and just looked like one of those dolls Jennifer carries around. That's how I got through it, Roy. I chanted in my head the whole time 'It's not a baby, it's just a doll'. I guess that makes me weak." He dropped his head again.

There was no way to even respond to that. Even if he denied it, Johnny wouldn't believe it. It would seem too automatic. Instead he simply stated, "Once. Once before today."

Johnny's eyes widened. He had assumed that Roy, having been in the fire department longer, and focusing on the medical aspects long before there was such a thing as a paramedic, was a seasoned veteran at this. It hadn't occurred to him that he was as inexperienced at dealing with such horrors as anyone.

Roy continued. "It was a little boy, about 2 years ago. Almost the same thing, mom and dad woke up and found the baby that way. Too late to do anything." He paused, his own eyes misting over in the memories. Except that I wasn't the one to tell the mother it was too late."

"You're partner?"

The older medic shook his head. "No. The ER doctor at Mount Vernon."

Johnny gasped. "You worked him?! I thought you said it was too late?"

Now it was Roy's turn to look at the ground. "You're not weak, John. I was, but you weren't. You saw it for what it was, and were strong enough to admit that."

In that instant, it turned around. Johnny put a hand on his partner's shoulder. "Roy…"

"Yeah, I know. Sometimes our jobs suck." Johnny nodded, and Roy continued. "I've been a fireman for going on ten years, and that's all you can say about it."

Johnny looked away. "I don't think I'll make it to five."

Roy looked up sharply. "Don't say that. You can't just walk away from it."

"Why not? There's a lot of jobs out there, even ones that pay better. Jobs that you can even sleep at night after every shift." He dropped his face in his hands.

It was Roy's turn to put a hand on Johnny's shoulder. The young man looked up with tears in his eyes, and Roy knew it would be a long time before either of them got a good nights sleep. "Yeah, Johnny, I know there are. But you couldn't help this one and that feels like hell. If you quit, you absolutely can't help the next one. Just because you walk away doesn't mean that bad things aren't going to happen. People are still going to get sick. Babies are still going to die. And you know about that. You can't go back and not know that now. And you can't not do anything about it." Roy realized he was rambling, but it didn't really matter. Johnny got the point, and he got to let out a little steam.

Johnny nodded slowly. "You're right. I can't not try to help people. It's just… not me." They sat in silence again, saying more in that than they had with their words. Johnny looked over at him. "Roy?"

"Yeah?"

"What do we do now? How do I close my eyes and not see her face?"

Roy shrugged. "I don't have an answer for you, Junior. There's no magic word to make it not hurt. I wish I did." He stood up and straightened his badge. Johnny pulled himself to his feet behind him and they headed for the bunk room. The rest of the crew was already asleep, so they slipped into their beds quietly.

Roy had just closed his eyes when he heard Johnny whisper. "Roy?"

"Yeah, Johnny?"

Brown eyes bore into his in the darkness. "If you find one, you'll let me know?"

"What?"

"An answer. Or a magic word."

Roy smiled. His friend would be alright. Not at the moment, but eventually he would be okay. "You'll be the first to know."