I'm as busy as a spider spinning daydreams
I'm as giggly as a baby on a swing
I haven't seen a crocus or a rosebud
Or a robin on the wing
But I feel so gay in a melancholy way
That it might as well be spring.
Rodgers and Hammerstein, 1945
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or any of the characters from the Saga. Stephenie Meyer is the owner of Twilight. No copyright infringement is intended. This work and the original ideas presented therein are the sole property of this author.
BPOV
"I only thought … perhaps it would be good for you to know that I cared."
Alice stood in front of him, ramrod straight in her anger and indignation, but the only thing I saw were Edward's eyes. Around me, my family stopped breathing. I felt Aunt Esme's hand on my shoulder but I couldn't stop looking at Edward. He was talking about me. And for the first time, I saw it. He was in love with me.
Alice was speaking, but I neither heard nor cared what she had to say; she and I would have much to say in private. I watched Edward as his green eyes softened with relief and then rose to meet mine. His eyes were suddenly full of questions and fear. My aunt's hand squeezed my shoulder gently and I stepped forward with a small smile on my face.
His eyes simply melted with relief. I watched his hands, usually so fluid, gripping his hat in worry. I smiled brighter and his lips lifted in response.
"Alright then?" he asked, a small tremor in his voice.
"Yes, alright," I responded.
He nodded once to Aunt Esme and Uncle Carlisle, again to my sister, and then looked back at me.
"Goodnight, Bella."
"Goodnight, Edward."
It took him a moment to turn from me and by the time he closed the door, I already missed him. I wanted to usher him back to the music room so I could tell him what I had seen in his eyes. I wanted to hear him say it out loud. I wanted … yes, I wanted many things. For the moment, however, I had my family to deal with.
Everyone stood quietly and stared at each other. Alice's cheeks were colored with her embarrassment, but her eyes remained level and indignant. Emmett was the first to leave. He brushed by me and gave me a small smile before walking down the hallway. I hadn't had much opportunity to talk with him, but I liked Emmett. He had a gentle way about him that put me at ease and he seemed to see things clearer than most; it was often very refreshing to hear his point of view.
Uncle Carlisle followed his son out of the room, clearly sensing that this was between the women of the household. When we were alone, a little nudge from my side propelled me toward my sister. Aunt Esme was by my side.
"Are you feeling well, Alice?" I asked quietly.
"I'm fine," she said, looking past me at Aunt Esme.
"Alice," Aunt Esme said softly. "Is there anything you'd like to talk about?"
"No," she replied stiffly. "But I'm sure Bella will be happy to fill you in. I'm going to bed."
Alice pushed past us, her heels clicking against the marble floor as she made her way through the house and then up the stairs. Everything felt surreal as I turned to watch my sister walk away from me; she seemed so different, and so very angry. I felt Aunt Esme's arm around my shoulder, leading me down the hallway, but I kept my eyes on Alice, hoping she would turn around to look at me. In my mind, she'd smile at me and this argument would be but an uncomfortable memory. She never turned around. The soft sound of the door to our room clicking shut made my heart falter, cracking it in half.
The tears that seemed ever close to the surface all day long, poured out of my eyes again as Aunt Esme walked me toward the library where Uncle Carlisle was sitting. He saw us, or rather, he saw my tears, and he quickly exited the room to give us privacy. Aunt Esme sat down on one of the leather couches and opened her arms to me. Without hesitation, I buried my face in her shoulder, smothering myself in her spicy, smoky fragrance that had started to smell like home to me.
She didn't say anything; she simply let me cry on her shoulder until I finally lifted my head. My eyes felt sore and itchy and I knew my face was likely puffy. Out of nowhere, Aunt Esme handed me a clean linen handkerchief and allowed me to wipe my face. I opened my mouth to begin talking, but she held up her hand.
"I don't want to know," she whispered.
She reached over and smoothed a hair which had come loose from my plait.
"It's been a long time since I've been my sister's trusted secret keeper, but one doesn't forget that obligation. I know you'd never betray her trust and I would never put you in that position." She frowned before continuing. "Alice should know you better than that."
"She's angry with me," I mumbled.
"Clearly," Aunt Esme commented, frowning. "Would you like to discuss it? Or … anything about this evening?"
I looked up to see Aunt Esme watching me carefully and naturally I blushed when I thought of Edward. Just half an hour prior I had told him that no one could hurt me more than him. I still felt that was true, but I had forgotten how much my sister's anger could sting me.
"I sometimes feel as though Alice thinks I'm nothing more than Mother's little puppet," I said quietly, "and her anger at me is really her anger at Mother and the things she taught us. I know I shouldn't be upset with her—we all have our own ways of dealing with grief—but I am."
"You have every right to be upset, Bella," Aunt Esme said, stroking my shoulder. "You are not Renée. And you have grown so much in just the few months you've lived here. You are so much more than an echo of your mother."
"But how do I convince Alice?" I asked. "It seems like every time I open my mouth, all she hears is Mother's voice."
"Did you tell her that?"
"Of course not," I said. "Alice usually does most of the talking."
Aunt Esme chuckled and I couldn't help but join her. I wondered if Alice would be talking to me tonight.
"And I'm certain she will have much to say tonight," Aunt Esme responded. "But you need to say your piece. I'm sure Alice has her reasons for being angry, but your reasons are just as valid. You can't let her spark dim yours."
I bowed my head and thought of the way I spoke with Edward earlier. It brought a smile to my face and I knew Aunt Esme well enough to know that she noticed. Even though it might have seemed difficult for Edward to draw me out, talking to him was almost effortless. Even when I didn't want to reveal things to him, they just … slipped out.
"Why are you smiling, Bella?" Aunt Esme asked, her head bent conspiratorially next to mine.
"I was just thinking …"
"Of Edward?"
I closed my eyes and nodded, my smile broadening at his name.
"I worried about him, you know," Aunt Esme said tersely.
My eyes flew open at her tone and she chuckled, patting my leg.
"When I first noticed his interest—not even a full day after you arrived, mind you—I worried. I thought perhaps it would be too much for you. But … you bloomed under his affection." Her fingers ran across my now red cheeks. "What were you thinking about him?"
I had so many questions, so many things I wanted answered. I had grown to trust Aunt Esme over the past months, and yet I didn't want to appear foolish or lovesick. But the need to know was more pressing than the need to remain cool and calm.
"Alice insists she is in love with Jasper," I began slowly, looking down, "and I do not doubt her feelings. She has always been very sure of herself. Do you think … I am too young for love?"
I looked up at her and drew in a deep, shaky breath as I awaited her answer. It wasn't the question I truly wanted to ask. I knew I loved Edward. For me, there would never be anyone who could draw me out or make me feel the way he did. But naturally, Aunt Esme saw to the heart of my question.
"You don't strike me as a girl who misunderstands her own feelings, Bella. You might not talk of them much, but I think you know how you feel. I've known Edward for his entire life … he's quite the same, you know?"
My heart fluttered at her roundabout answer. I knew what I had seen in his eyes tonight. The fear in them didn't come from just anyone overhearing his argument with Alice; it came from not knowing what I would think. He worried about my reaction because it mattered to him, to our future. The thought of a future with Edward left my stomach fluttering as well.
"What do you want?" Aunt Esme asked.
"Edward asked me that very same question tonight."
"And what did you tell him?"
"You know," I said, biting my lip, "I never did answer him…"
I suddenly knew what I must do, but it would need to wait. I needed Alice and though I thought she might deny it, she needed me. I reached out and squeezed Aunt Esme's warm fingers.
"Thank you, Aunt Esme," I said. "I probably haven't said it nearly enough, but I am happier here than I have ever been before."
Her eyes misted over but she blinked away the tears before they could escape. Her fingers returned the gentle pressure.
"You and your sister have completed us, Bella, in every way possible. Thank you. Now go; I know you're wanting your sister."
I smiled mirthlessly. It would be a long night, I was sure. Alice didn't back down easily and I had a feeling that tonight, neither would I.
"You can just get yourself ready for bed, Bella. I'm not in a talking mood," Alice said as soon as I opened the door.
The lights were off, but I could see her curled up on her bed, an uncomfortable lump amid the feathered blankets and pillows. I drew in a deep breath and then flicked on the light switch.
She flipped over and gave me a cold stare.
"I said I didn't wish to talk tonight."
"Well, I do," I said.
She watched me as I walked across the room, still dressed in my day clothes, and sat down on my bed. I knew her well enough to give her space to fume. It wasn't that I feared her hurting me. Her temper could flare up instantly, but her control over it was immense. I just knew she was likely to be more reasonable if I gave her space to breathe.
"What's gotten into you Alice?" I asked once I was seated. "Why are you so angry with me?"
I kept my voice even, trying to hide the fear from her, but of course she hear it in my voice. She could probably even sense it. I hated when Alice was angry with me and she was well aware of it.
"Why did you have to do that today, Bella? Everything was fine; it was perfect. And then, you had to make me remember Mother."
"As I recall, you would have done well to listen to that bit of advice. The whiskey didn't exactly sit well with you, did it?"
"You know that's not the point!"
"No one else was angry with me for voicing my opinion. No one except you. Why?"
"Because it wasn't your damn opinion, Bella. It was Mother's. When are you going to get her foolish ideas out of your head and start thinking for yourself?"
"You really believe I don't think for myself?" I asked. "Even now? If that's true, you're the only one who thinks that …"
"How can you think for yourself if you're constantly spouting her ideas?"
I frowned at her.
"Agreeing with some of the things she said doesn't mean that I constantly spout her ideas. Besides, I could say the same for you!"
Alice sat up in bed and leaned across the gap to stare in my face.
"What do you mean?"
"Think about it, Alice," I said, carefully picking at my skirt. "You say I don't have my own thoughts because I do only what Mother would approve of. If you only do things that Mother would disapprove of, how is that different?"
Alice opened and closed her mouth as she considered my words, but I continued.
"Also, I don't believe you really think I only do things Mother would approve of. Would Mother have approved of me riding alone in a car with Edward? Would she have looked kindly on the way he and I are together? Would she have liked him kissing me … and me allowing it?"
Alice's eyes widened and I saw her lips twitching into an almost smile. She caught herself, but it was there.
"Why was it so important that you needed to make a scene, Sissy?"
She was softening.
"Because it was important, Alice. I know you think I worry too much, but I worry about you. I don't think that Mother told us to avoid liquor lightly; I believe it scared her. And I don't want to see you hurt."
"Liquor doesn't hurt people; terrible people who drink hurt other people. Does Aunt Esme hurt people when she drinks?"
"No," I said. I looked up at her and held her eyes with mine. "Nor does Uncle Carlisle … still, there was something about Mother's voice when she said that. I don't believe you ought to just dismiss it."
"Edward's had liquor before, you know. Jasper said so." Alice murmured. "Do you think badly of him now?"
I sighed.
"Alice, I don't think badly of Edward, or Jasper, or you for that matter. Don't you see? I was just surprised by your choice! It seemed so brash. I worried … that perhaps you would make other brash decisions."
Alice was quiet for a moment, curling her hair around her finger as she looked at me. The corner of her lip began to curl up and finally her ice blue eyes began to melt.
"You were worried I'd leave you," she said.
I nodded.
"Of course," I replied. "I saw the way you looked at Jasper when he talked about the woman, Mrs. Valentino, taking care of the single men. It was … possessive. You wanted to be the one taking care of him."
"You know me very well," she whispered. "And I do. I want to be the one making his house a home. But now isn't the time and I understand that. Jas and I have talked about it."
A swirl of fear, like a gust of cold wind, wrapped around my heart when she said they'd talked. It passed, but the uneasiness remained. I wondered how much they had planned and how much time I had left.
"You have?" I asked, trying for a casual tone but missing my mark.
She laughed.
"I know you very well too, Sissy. Yes, we've talked and we have plans. No, I will never leave you without warning. Is that what you want to know?"
I sighed, feeling my heart warm.
"Yes."
"So it was never really about the liquor?" she asked.
"Well, it was a little," I said. "It does frighten me, but I was more frightened about your choices than anything."
Alice nodded, and looked up at me, her lips turning down in a frown.
"I'm sorry for my behavior today," she said quietly. "You must know that this isn't easy … being with Jasper in this way when all around me are couples who can come and go as they please. It wears on me … but I ought not to take it out on you."
"Don't," I replied. "You know it's already forgotten, right?"
She was on my bed in a heartbeat.
"You can't go to bed like that and from what you've just told me, we have lots to discuss."
We both giggled and I rose to get ready for the night. I went in the other room to undress, leaving Alice to lounge on my bed.
"Are you going to make me dig for details, Bella Marie?" she sang from our room.
I chortled as I unbuttoned my heavy skirts and let them drop to the floor.
"Possibly," I said as I carefully hung up the fabric. "What do you want to know?"
"Everything!" she burst out. "You said he kissed you and you allowed it. You must tell me!"
Edward kissing me was perhaps the single most amazing feeling of my life. I bit my lip as I thought about the way his mouth felt on mine, the way his hands fit the curve of my neck, the taste of his tongue … well, I couldn't tell her all of that. Those memories were mine, and I didn't intend to share them. I pulled my night shift over my head and walked back into our room with my face burning from the delicious memories. I flicked off the light but not before I saw Alice's smirk.
"I assume he was a good kisser then," Alice said.
I jumped into bed, smacking her lightly as I did.
"Alice!"
"What? I'm not jealous, you know … Jasper is quite talented."
"That's horrible!" I couldn't stop the grin from forming on my face despite the horror at how easily she spoke of us kissing boys.
"Truly, it's not, Bella. It's wonderful."
I giggled and nodded in the darkness.
"Yes, he really is."
It was Alice's turn to smack me. Warmth spread through my body as I realized just how happy I was. I had my sister back, not that she was ever truly gone. I felt she understood me better for having argued with me tonight, however. I felt we were even closer now than we had been before, if that was possible. As we whispered into the darkness, sharing secrets about the boys who had stolen our hearts, I felt like we healed some hurt that had started long ago, something that neither of us knew needed fixing.
As my mind drifted closer to the edge of unconsciousness, I thought again about Edward and his question: And what do you want? he'd asked, his voice low and pleading for an answer, the right answer. I never gave it to him though my heart had been screaming it from the first time he touched me. I wanted him, always. I had wanted to write him a letter before bed to finally answer that question, but bringing Alice back to me was the most important thing I needed to accomplish that night. Before I let the darkness take over and dreams of emerald eyes fill my mind, I promised myself that I would write him directly after school the next day.
Alice and I walked to school early, arm in arm and silent, though content in our new truce. Though our argument didn't last long, I knew that it had worn on Alice as much as it had worn on me. We had always been close and any fissures in that bond cut both of us to the core.
When we rounded the corner and saw Lauren, Jessica, and Angela, I felt Alice stiffen and pause before she continued walking. There had been talk, silly rumors that went around after Jasper had disappeared. Everyone had a theory, though most decent people left Alice's name out of the gossip. Lauren Mallory was anything but decent.
She had been the worst and Jessica Stanley only fueled her fire, talking behind her hand every time either Alice or I passed her, her voice just loud enough to be heard by those around her. Recently, her talk had gotten vicious. I blamed myself for their attacks on her. It was me they hated, but Alice was the easier target of late. Alice straightened her shoulders as we neared them and Angela stepped forward with a smile on her face.
"Hi Bella, Alice," she said. "How was your weekend?"
"Good, Angela," I said. "And yours?"
She smiled and was about to answer when Jessica turned to Lauren, a fake smile plastered on her face. I felt Alice's arm tighten in mine.
"Lauren," Jessica said. "You'll never guess what I overheard Father telling Mother the other night."
"Really? A bit of gossip?" Lauren asked. "Pray, do tell."
"Well, Father was down at the stockyards this past week overseeing the weekly shipment—you know, you can never trust the roustabouts down there … always short changing the orders and stealing—anyway, he ran into the most unexpected person while he was there."
My stomach twisted into a knot. I had completely forgotten that Jessica's father owned a chain of successful restaurants in the city. Even had I remembered, I never would have connected him to the stockyards where Jasper worked. I knew what was coming. I wanted to grab Jessica's face and make her stop, but it wouldn't do any good. This was all just a show for Alice; the gossip had already been spilled.
"Really, Jessica? Whoever could your father have run into in that filthy, disgusting place that would be worth mentioning in polite society?"
Lauren's voice was dripping with disdain. My heart hurt for my sister. I knew how I would feel if it was Edward they were speaking of. I thought my sister very strong indeed for not trying to stop them before the words were spoken. She was braver than I.
"It was Jasper Hale of all people," Jessica cackled.
I felt my gorge rising and wanted to run away from the two of them as they giggled idiotically together, but I couldn't budge from my sister's side.
"What of it?" Alice asked, her voice cold. "So what if he makes a living? What does it matter to you?"
"You can't be serious, Alice," Lauren said, her grey eyes hooded in malice. "You know what those people are. They're … trash. Outcasts. Thieves."
"He's not a thief!" Alice screeched. "He makes an honest living doing backbreaking work which is more than I can say for either of your fathers!"
"What are you implying?" Lauren said, stepping forward.
"Oh, I think you know," Alice retorted immediately. "Everyone in town knows your father hasn't seen the right side of honest in years, Lauren. It's how he's remained so successful."
"You … horrid … wretched … witch!" Lauren spat.
Lauren moved quickly, walking over in the blink of an eye, her hand rising as she crossed the distance. I heard her hand hit my sister's face without seeing it happen. I didn't believe this had gotten so far out of hand and couldn't predict how Alice might retaliate. To my great surprise, she remained still as stone.
I looked over to her slowly, unsurprised to see her pale in her anger. Her eyes were closed and her lips were beginning to lift in a smile. That shocked me more than anything. Suddenly, I heard what she must have. Someone was coming.
"Lauren Mallory!" Ms. Cope called as she crossed the schoolyard to where we stood. "What is the meaning of this?"
"She insulted my father!" Lauren cried, tears now pouring out of her eyes.
A sound of disgust escaped my lips and it was loud enough for Ms. Cope to hear. Her eyes snapped over to me and I froze. She eyed me for a moment and then turned to Alice.
"Is this true?" Ms. Cope turned to Alice.
"Yes," Alice said calmly, "but it wasn't unprovoked."
Mrs. Cope rolled her eyes and sighed deeply.
"Whether or not Ms. Swan said something objectionable, you have no reason to be hitting her and screeching like a common fishwife! Both of you will report to the headmistress before the first bell and I expect that this matter is settled."
She eyed both Alice and Lauren, who both had the good sense to nod their heads and look down in shame. Ms. Cope turned and walked back to the school. As soon as she was out of earshot Lauren was hissing at Alice.
"This means nothing. Mr. Stanley is going to Mr. Hale tonight. When he hears what his son is doing, Jasper will pay. He'll never see the inside of a fine house again."
Jessica and Lauren turned on their heels and walked away toward the school. Lauren was naturally confident that her name would get her out of any trouble with the school. Angela smiled sadly, as if in apology, before turning away from us.
"What are you going to do?" I whispered as soon as she was gone.
Alice smirked.
"Go to the office, I expect," she replied.
"I mean about Jasper. You can't let him be taken unaware by his father now that you know!"
Alice reached up and cupped my face in her hands.
"Thank you so much, Sissy. I can't tell you how much it means to me for you to be concerned about him. But … I think I have a plan."
She patted my cheek and walked away from me, leaving me standing in the middle of the street with a dazed look in my eyes. I clutched my books close to my chest and ran, unladylike, toward the building and made it inside just before the bell. It was perhaps the longest school day of my life.
I met Alice outside and when I turned toward home, she grabbed my arm. I noticed the red mark on the back of her hand, likely from a ruler, but she dismissed it.
"Lauren got the same," she said, "though she swore the school would hear from her father."
"Why are you pulling me away from home?" I asked.
"We're not going home," she said. "We're going to the Masens' house."
"What?" I squeaked. My heart did a flip flop at the name. "Why?"
"Aunt Esme is meeting Mrs. Masen for tea this afternoon. They'll know what to do about Jasper."
I thought about it for a moment and realized that Alice was being quite clever. There would have been nothing but trouble if she had run off to find Jasper herself and she likely would only have found herself either lost or in danger. With this plan, someone who could possibly affect change would be involved. I was rather impressed with my sister.
Of course, it hadn't escaped my notice that we would be going to Edward's house. Though I knew where he lived, I'd never been to his home. He'd always come courting at my house and we had never made a social call with Aunt Esme because of school. Despite the circumstances, I was excited to see where he lived. I knew he wouldn't be home when we arrived, but I might see him before we left. It was definitely something I hoped for.
Alice knew exactly where the house was, having a much better sense of direction than I. We arrived in less than a quarter hour. Alice stepped up to the door more tentatively and knocked gently. I was surprised when Mrs. Masen herself answered the door.
"Alice," she said, her green eyes traveling over both of us. "Bella. Girls, come in."
Her face was immediately drawn in concern. Our presence here was highly unusual and she was instantly suspicious. Aunt Esme appeared in the doorway and her face was full of concern as well. She, however, did not stand on ceremony.
"Girls," she said. "What's happened?"
"It's Jasper," Alice said and walked over into her arms.
It was the first time I realized how much the day must have worn on Alice. She nearly collapsed against Aunt Esme who folded her into her strong embrace. I watched my sister and only remembered Mrs. Masen was there when I felt her hand on my arm. Edward had told me that she considered Jasper a second son; I was certain that she was nearly as worried as Alice.
Mrs. Masen ushered us into the kitchen where she busied herself with fixing tea. The Masen house was quite different from our home, less opulent in many ways, but no less grand in my mind. Everything about the house was warm. From the dark wood to the vibrant colors on the walls to the rich smells, the house simply invited you in. It could easily have been staffed by four of five people, but I gathered from Mrs. Masen's familiarity with her kitchen that she was the only person who worked in it.
"Tell me what happened, Alice," Aunt Esme said, reaching over and holding her hand.
"Jessica Stanley's father saw Jasper working in the stockyards," Alice said. "He's going to the Hale house tonight to talk with Mr. Hale."
The older women exchanged a glance and Mrs. Masen then sat heavily in a chair.
"Bloody hell," Aunt Esme breathed. "That certainly changes things, doesn't it Liz?"
"I'll say," she replied.
Without looking up, the two old friends linked hands and frowned together in deep thought. I looked between the three women around the table and felt an odd sense of hope despite the somewhat disheartening situation. If anyone could think of a way out of this trouble, I was sure it was the women at this table.
"Call Ed," Aunt Esme said suddenly. "He can likely either intercept Jeffery … or at least calm down Whitlock if Jeffery has already gotten to him. We might be able to stave off any damage for tonight at least."
"But what about Jasper?" Alice asked. "I worry about him not knowing."
"Emmett," Aunt Esme and Mrs. Masen said at the same time and smiled.
"Emmett will take care of that, dear," Aunt Esme said, squeezing Alice's hand.
Mrs. Masen got up from the table and went out into the hall to make her calls while Aunt Esme stayed with us. She began pouring out the tea.
"I want you to promise me something, Alice," she said as she poured. "Please don't visit Jasper right now … at least not for a couple of days."
Alice hung her head while Aunt Esme continued.
"I know that you see him and I make no interference because I understand what it is to be in love, but I will not let you be at risk. You need to recognize the danger in this situation for both you and Jasper and be sensible in your choices. Do I make myself clear?"
"Yes, Aunt Esme," Alice said quietly.
Her face was pinched and pale, but sincere. I believed that she would keep her word and apparently so did Aunt Esme.
"You must know that we will do everything in our power to keep Jasper safe," Aunt Esme said. "And our power is not insignificant."
Aunt Esme dropped a little wink at Alice before stirring her tea and taking a dainty sip. Alice smiled wanly.
"I really hope so," she said, her voice shaking slightly.
We all looked up when the kitchen door opened. Edward stumbled as he walked into his kitchen, his eyes widening and then settling on me. His face passed between surprise, delight, and then settled on concern; he knew this was out of the ordinary. He walked over to Aunt Esme and placed a kiss on her upturned cheek.
"Esme," he said. "Alice … Bella. What an unexpected surprise."
"Hello, Edward dear. Bella … take him in the other room and explain, please."
I rose and as we walked down the hallway, I felt his warm hand on the small of my back. He led me along the hallway, past the small cupboard where his mother sat speaking rapidly into the phone. Edward's hand became more insistent on my back until we reached the parlor. I took in the small settee, the wing backed chair, the upright piano … my eyes didn't seem to miss a detail.
"What's happened?" he asked as he pulled over the sliding door to the room, closing us off for the time being from the rest of the house. "Is everything well with Alice?"
"Oh, yes," I said quickly. "We settled everything last night. It's … Edward, it's Jasper."
His face drained of color and he sat heavily on the chair. I realized immediately what he must be thinking and rushed over to kneel in front of him, taking both of his hands in mine.
"No, please Edward, look at me. He's not hurt!"
"Then … what? God, Bella, you gave me a fright."
"I'm sorry, but it is serious. Mr. Stanley was at the stockyards; he—saw Jasper."
Edward said a rather coarse word and I blushed. His fingertips brushed my cheek.
"I'm sorry," he whispered. "Go on."
"She said her father was planning on going to Mr. Hale tonight."
Edward stood up, my hands still around one of his.
"Where are you going?" I asked.
"I have to go to Jasper," he said, tugging on my hand until I stood. "I can't –" the sound of the door opening cut him off.
"You're going nowhere, son," Mrs. Masen said. "I've spoken with your father. Esme is on the phone with Emmett now. You're not to go there; it's too dangerous right now. Who knows what Whitlock Hale might decide to do?"
Her words were like a knife in my gut. This was Jasper we were speaking of; Jasper was the one facing the brunt of the danger here. I knew that Edward was not satisfied as he kept my fingers threaded with his.
"Mother, I won't sit here knowing that Jas could be in danger. And I can't believe you would want me to. Mr. Hale is an unreasonable brute; who knows what he might do if he's in a temper!"
"Of course I don't want Jasper in danger," she said, throwing her hands in the air. "Your father's on his way to the Hale place as we speak. As soon as Esme contacts Emmett, he'll be heading for the Back of the Yards**. You're needed here."
"Oh? And for what purpose?" Edward's voice was angry, impatient.
His mother didn't answer. Her eyes drifted over to me and then she turned and left. I felt uncomfortable knowing that I was now the reason Edward couldn't go to his friend; however, I was glad for some excuse. It was selfish, but I wanted him safe even if Jasper might not be.
"So … I'm to stay with you," he said, turning to face me.
I worried I would see irritation, or worse, anger. Instead, his lips were turned up in a crooked grin.
"There are definitely worse ways to spend an afternoon," he whispered, leaning close to me.
Before I could stop him, his lips were brushing against mine, just a soft kiss before he pulled away.
"Shall we find your sister?" he asked, his voice nearly as low as it was the night before. "I'm certain she is in need of distraction at the moment."
The afternoon and early evening were spent playing hand after hand of three handed gin rummy and worrying. Alice's eyes flicked over to the door after every card was played. Each time she looked, Edward or I would look at each other and frown. It was perhaps the most fretful afternoon I had ever spent with him and I worried for my sister dreadfully.
She was looking pale, drawn and refused to eat anything when Mrs. Masen brought supper to the table. She was polite, but quietly stubbornly turned away the meal. Mrs. Masen looked first at Edward who looked at me. I shook my head at her and shrugged, unable to offer any excuse other than the obvious. Alice was sick with worry. We had been waiting on word for hours by that time and it had worn Alice's nerves to thin threads.
Aunt Esme had risen and was preparing to leave. I had worried about this because I knew that Alice would not leave until she heard some word about Jasper. Aunt Esme knew this as well. She took her time with her scarf, her overcoat and her gloves. As she was pulling on the second one, we heard the kitchen door open.
Alice was out of her seat before the door finished creaking open. She stood, her eyes wide as both Mr. Masen and Emmett came through the door. Mrs. Masen immediately went to her husband and Esme looked to Emmett. Emmett gave his mother a small smile and I heard Alice let out an audible sigh. I believed it to be the deepest breath she had taken all afternoon.
"Whitlock took it better than we might have expected," Mr. Masen explained. "Said he didn't care a lick for the boy anymore and whatever nonsense he chose to do to support himself–," he paused and looked over at Alice, "was of no concern to him any longer."
"He disowned him," Mrs. Masen said numbly.
"Not legally," Mr. Masen countered, but frowned. "But for all intents and purposes, Whitlock considers his son dead."
Alice then did the strangest thing. She began to giggle. It was a soft sound at first, just a whispering noise. But then the volume and intensity grew until she was laughing uncontrollably, her hand crushed to her mouth. She finally had to sit down in order to steady herself.
Edward looked between her and me, but I was as perplexed as everyone else in the room. Aunt Esme finally walked over to her side and put her hands on Alice's shoulders.
"Alice," she murmured. "What is it?"
"Don't you see?" she said, through giggles and streaming tears. "Don't you all see? If Jasper is dead to him, he won't go after him. He'll let him be. And that's all Jasper ever wanted."
I knelt down at Alice's feet, ignoring everyone around me but my sister and took her hands in mine. I looked up into her eyes and saw them glistening with her tears. The smile on her face reached her eyes and I knew that she believed that this was the end, at least between Mr. Hale and Jasper. It was one less thing that would worry her at night.
I understood without having to speak with her at all. I looked first at Edward and then at Aunt Esme, nodding to her as I did. Alice was going to be fine. Her emotions were simply wound too tight for her to keep them in any longer. I could sympathize with her quite well at that moment. I looked back over to Edward who was leaning against a wall and staring at me, his eyes a green haze of intensity as he thought about something I couldn't fathom. I thought about his words from the previous night, about how he wished he could see inside my mind. At that moment, I wished I could see inside of his.
Emmett drove us home and as the snow began to fall, we were all very thankful for the warm car. Alice and I huddled in the back seat, rubbing each other's arms to keep warm. She continued to sniffle as I held her and I tried to hold her tighter to reassure her. Still, I knew that my reassurance would mean nothing until she could see Jasper for herself. Again, I selfishly thanked God that Edward was safe.
When we arrived home, I told Alice I would meet her upstairs in a short while and made my way to the library. I had hoped it would be empty and I could slip in and write what I needed to write without having to explain myself, however, Uncle Carlisle was reading in his favorite chair when I arrived at the door.
"Good evening, Bella," he said warmly.
"Hello Uncle Carlisle," I said and bit my lip nervously. "I don't mean to trouble you …"
"Not at all! Come in … what can I do for you?"
"I was hoping to use some paper? I wish to write a letter if you don't mind."
"Of course, dear," he replied. "In the top drawer of the desk is the stationary and you'll find a number of fine pens as well. Take whatever you need."
"There's no need for special stationary," I said embarrassed.
"Don't be silly," he said with a chuckle. "We have plenty and it goes to such waste on Physician's eyes."
I laughed uneasily with him before walking into the room. I felt unsure of myself as I walked over to the desk. It was a teak behemoth with a large middle drawer and four smaller drawers on either side.
"Uncle Carlisle?" I said. "Which … top drawer?"
He laughed.
"The top left," he said. "I'm sorry, Bella. I forget that you don't use my desk."
I bit my lip and opened the drawer, thankful to see the stationary with the embellished 'C' upon the top and several fountain pens. I gathered the pen, paper, and inkpot I would need and excused myself to the solarium where I could be alone to compose my letter. I needed to concentrate and I wanted to be close to the piano which I now always thought of as Edward's. There was a table and chairs by the darkened window wall where I could sit and still enjoy the light from the main part of the room. Once I sat down, the words began to flow from the pen as though they had already been written within my heart.
1 March 1920
My dearest Edward,
I hope that you do not consider me forward in writing to you, but you asked a question of me last night which I was remiss in answering. I would like to rectify that in this letter if you would allow me. You asked me what I want and I believe I can answer you with certainty now.
Like you, I wish for a house where I can raise a family and a kitchen where I can cook. Did you know that I enjoy baking? It's something they taught us at the college. When I dream of my future, there are blurry images running around the edges of my reveries, all of the many unknowns in my life, but one image is solid and real. That is you, Edward. You are the one constant in all of my varied imaginings.
You came into my life unexpectedly and I confess I was frightened at first. I knew almost immediately the potential for heartache when you looked into my eyes. Instead of allowing me to hide, you drew me out. You pursued me when I might have run away and my life hasn't been the same since. You've added so much color and possibility to my life and now … I can't imagine the alternative.
I've learned so much in the past months, watching Rose and Em as they prepare for marriage and suffering with my sister as she struggles with her … unique situation regarding Jasper. I realize that there is a time to hide and there is a time to show one's self. I recognize that now is not a time for me to hide from you. I want you to be as sure of my affection as I now am of yours. I hope that my admission brings you a measure of happiness and security, for surely you have brought me both in spades.
With great affection,
Bella
**Back of the Yards is the name of the neighborhood in which Jasper lives. I apologize for not making that clear last chapter.
A/N: Again, I have to apologize for update fail. It's not my intention to leave you all hanging. Real life has been more than hectic lately, but I think *finally* we have settled into a routine with Kindergarten and activities. I hope that you enjoy this chapter and the development of Bella's character. I really feel as though she has come leaps and bounds from where she was at the beginning of the story, farther even than I expected. I'm almost proud of her! *sniff* I hope you are as well. :)
There is a poll on my profile page requesting input on the type of outtake you'd like to see. There are three choices. If you wouldn't mind clicking over there and choosing one, I'd greatly appreciate it!
Just a little self promo here. I have a one shot entered in the Age of Edward contest. It's titled Revolutionary Angel, and I would be most appreciative if you would check it out and vote on October 4th when the polls open. Here is the link to the story: .net/s/6354487/1/Revolutionary_Angel
K. Sorry for self-pimpage. ;) Thanks so much for reading! ~Jen
