OH MY GOD! it has been TOO long. i am terribly sorry. i was dealing with so many crap and... well i guess i'm a complete failure now. i managed to fail 3 subjects this semester, and one, being the Electrical circuits, is gonna kill me to make up for. basically i can't take any other electrical subject at college before i pass this shit and it won't be given in the summer semester. yeah. doomed. my mom wants my head on a plate now. after my exams i lost my laptop to "the blue screen of death" and i still haven't gotten it back from the guaranty company. AND i managed to fuck up at AIESEC where i'm responsible, was actually, for the HR and TM. so basically i screwed everything up in my life.
i'm just sorry for this late chapter guys.
The Change
September 18th , 2008
Castiel looked at the menu in front of him and tried to look at least a little bit interested.
He hated how Balthazar was looking at him expectantly. He hated his 'birthday party'. In fact he hated everything about this stupidly fancy life style he had grown up in. And the more he thought about this stupid night, the more he compared it to his 20th birthday party. The one where Dean had prepared a surprise party for him.
He missed the simplicity of being with Dean. Well, the life style was simple but the relationship had been anything but simple.
But most of all, he had grown to hate being the center of Balthazar's show offs. What did he think Cas was? A talking peacock?
He smirked at himself inwardly when he remembered the first time he had been called that name.
Ok, wow. Guess he really did miss Dean. Not the now Dean of course. He missed the young bashful crazy Dean he had fallen for. The overconfident dickhead Dean.
"Cassie baby are you ready to order? We are all waiting for you." Balthazar's French accent pulled him out of his thoughts. He closed the menu and wore his plastic smile. God he hated that nickname.
"I'll have the shrimp side of mushroom sauce and vegetables."
It had been three years and he still wasn't used to the dreading atmosphere of these dinners. The stiff powerful friends of Balthazar and their tag along bitches. It was sickening.
It hadn't occur to him before Dean showed up that he too was a tag along for Balthazar. A precious partner to show off. And it made him feel sick to his stomach.
Just when he thought it couldn't get worse Balthazar motioned for someone behind Castiel and some sad guitar notes started playing.
When the deep voice of the singer filled the place, Cas felt his heart break into pieces. He was fairly sure he didn't want to hear the song.
"I think you can do much better than me I really miss your hair in my face While looking through your old box of notes I told myself I won't miss you
After all the lies that I made you believe
Guilt kicks in and I start to see
The edge of the bed
Where your pillows used to be
I told myself I won't miss you
But I remember
What it feels like beside you
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me
I found those pictures I took
That you were looking for
If there's one memory I don't want to lose
That time at the mall
You and me in the dressing room
But I remember
What it feels like beside you
I really miss your hair in my face I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me
The bed I'm lying in is getting colder
Wish I never would've said it's over
And I can't pretend... I won't think about you when I'm older
Cause we never really had our closure
This can't be the end
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me…"
And the worst part was that Castiel DID remember that one memory. God knows how hard he had looked for those pictures. They were one of the best memories they had.
Castiel had needed some new clothes and a few Christmas gifts for his family and Dean had offered to take him to the mall. Somehow they had ended up in a stupid Burberry shop, and Castiel knew he wasn't going to buy anything there while Dean was with him. And he still has no idea how 10 minutes later they were in the little dressing room and Dean had been all over him. He smiled remembering how annoyed he had been when Dean's camera had flashed in his eyes. He had told Dean to cut it out but Dean had continued kissing him and taking pictures of his handy work. He had literally begged Dean not to blow his mind out right there and only the woman knocking on the little door had stopped him.
Then he had found that stupid trench coat and Dean hadn't let him take it off. He had said some nonsense about it fitting Cas and just looking right on him. He still had that coat somewhere at the back of his closet.
He pushed back at his tears and looked at Balthazar hating how he had ruined his birthday. But Balthazar looked so happy. As if he had been trying to make Cas happy and he had no idea how sad and empty Cas felt right now.
That was when he came to himself and shut his mouth, nodding a little thanks to his boyfriend. He had tried hard to make Cas happy. Poor guy would never be enough and he knew it himself.
January 20, 2009
Dean was sprawled on the couch in front of his big TV drinking cool juice and he was switching between channels. He stopped when he heard Bohemian Rhapsody. Or well, what was supposed to be Bohemian Rhapsody but this douche was ruining it.
"Oh come on now! Do you really have to ruin a classic to prove you're original? I mean come on. You don't mess with Queen."
He shouted at the TV feeling pissed. Apparently it was American Idol or something. This wasn't like the one Dean had been on. He smiled pleased when one of the judges told the douche he was theatrical. But soon grumbled again as they all gave him a yes.
And he had thought Crowley was a douche bag.
He wanted to change the channel again but decided against it as they interviewed the guy.
He was kind of cute if Dean was gonna be honest. And he had a very good voice, a trained voice.
"Oh you gotta be kidding me! Ryan Seacrest? How have I never watched this thing?"
He spoke to himself again. It was sad how the house felt empty without Ben jumping up and down. He and Lisa were on a holiday with this guy Lisa had just met. He was a doctor. Respectful. It was kind of ironic if you asked Dean.
He smirked as Ryan asked Adam who had inspired him to do this after 7 seasons. He expected one of those cheesy comments like my father.
His smirk froze when the guy, Adam, looked right at him and said "Dean Winchester".
"What the hell?" he frowned at the cute boy. He had inspired a person to go after his dream? Why? What was wrong with this guy?
Apparently he was the only one who felt like that because Ryan just laughed at the guy's joke and then there came the commercials.
He sighed turning off the TV. Great. A new reason to put Dean Winchester under the microscope.
He better get ready to get confronted about this on his birthday party.
January 24th, 2009
"Dean are you ready?" Lisa called from the bottom of the stairs.
"Yeah Lis, be there in a minute." He shouted back fixing himself one last time in the mirror.
He turned around and hurried down the stairs where Lisa and Ben were waiting for him.
"Is everything ready? Everyone will be here in 20 minutes." Lisa said fixing his collar. Dean smiled shying away from the touch and nodded.
"Yeah, punch, whiskey, beer, food, chips, lights, candles, glasses, plates… everything is ready. I had 4 days to prepare." He Grinned proudly.
This night was special because he was having his birthday in his own house and he had prepared everything by his own. Not a lot of people were coming. It was just a party for him and those around him who cared for him.
And Sam of course.
Everyone had been pushing him to make peace with Sam and honestly he missed his little brother and Jess had called a few times telling Dean how Sam was acting like he was missing a piece of him.
Now that Dean was better and in a good situation he thought he could have Sam around. They were older now. Sam could take care of himself and so could Dean.
The doorbell went off and Dean jumped, pulling out of his thoughts and went to get it.
Speak of the devil. It was Sam. And Jess.
He stared at his brother remembering the last time they had talked and felt ashamed of himself.
Sam just stared back and didn't make any attempt. He looked lost and sad. Ouch.
"Dean. Happy birthday you stupid old man." Finally Jess broke the awkward silence.
"Jess. Hey! Thank you and thanks for coming."
He fixed his stare back at Sam, smiling.
"Hey ya Sammy!"
That seemed to break something deep in Sam. He stepped forward, pulling Dean in a bone crashing hug.
Dean held his brother tight and relished in the smell that was pure Sam.
"God, it's good to see you again little brother."
Sam smiled pulling away from his big brother.
"Right back atcha Dean... I can't believe this...I thought..."
"I know Sammy... I'm sorry... I kinda took everything too far..."
"I'm sorry too...I shouldn't have listened to you when you were in that state...I'm your brother, I'd die for you... I can't believe I left you alone..."
"Well I kinda didn't leave you any other choice, right?"
Jess cleared her throat.
"You mind if we continue this inside? I'm kinda tired 'cause we had this flight and then the drive and..."
Dean smirked.
"Ok, ok! I get it! Get inside you two. It's so good to see you here after so long... I made Sammy's old room for you to stay in."
Dean smiled. For the first time in a long time he felt good! Sammy was home.
"Oh and Dean, by the way..."
Dean looked at Sam who was now standing at the stares.
"Happy birthday bro!"
Dean smirked.
"You think you're gonna get away with just a happy birthday? I want presents Sam Winchester!"
"So Dean, I hear you saw that Adam guy saying you're his hero. How do you feel about that?"
Came the unsurprisingly disturbing accent of his producer.
"Balthazar." Dean gave him the coldest smile ever.
"I'm glad you made it tonight."
Balthazar grinned. Boy Dean hated this guy. He could just feed his guts to a goat and watch with pleasure. Or maybe he could chop his head off and throw it in front of wolves? He had to put more thought into it.
"So, do you know him? Cas was really curious if you know what I mean."
Dean did not growl. No sir. He just didn't.
"I don't know him…" he said through clenched teeth. "What the hell is wrong with you Balthazar? Do you enjoy this stupid game? Why can't you let us live in peace? Why do you have to make everything like hell?"
"Because Dean, you think I'm an idiot? Castiel doesn't love me. He's so obsessed with you… I just don't understand it. Why does he love you so much Dean? I'm 100 times better than you. I'm from his species you might say… while you're… you're just you, a spitting image of failure."
Dean was really trying hard not to punch this bitch.
"Well, what can I say? I'd like to think it's because of my perky nipples."
"Keep joking Winchester, truth is as much as Cas loves you, he's still with me…"
Dean was gonna start shouting when Sam's voice cut his trail of thoughts.
"Balthazar. Leave my brother alone. I don't care what Cas thinks he's doing with a junk less asshole like you but I can tell you one thing. No one talks to my brother like that, you hear me? No one. Now leave… before I do something you're gonna regret."
Dean grinned feeling proud. Sammy was standing up for him and suddenly nothing else in the world mattered to him anymore.
He turned his back on Balthazar and smiled calmly at his little brother.
"Let it go Sammy, he ain't worth it."
Sam's jaw was still clenched but he nodded at Dean and walked with him to the food table.
"Wow he's one real son of a bitch."
And that was the last time they mentioned Balthazar that night.
Castiel opened the door and walked in his apartment sighing. He was exhausted and would kill to get into a bath of hot water.
He jumped when someone cleared his throat from the couch in the darker side of the room.
"Balthazar. What are you doing here?"
"What? I'm not allowed to surprise my boyfriend? Cas…"
"I've told you not to call me that! And you knew I had the shift for the last 24 hours and I'm very tired. I would appreciate it if you left and let me rest in peace."
He was tired but honestly he knew he wouldn't get any sleep tonight anyway. He just needed space and peace.
It was Dean's birthday today. They had grown one year older apart from each other. And it still hurt like the very first day. He didn't need Dean's lyrics 'whoever said this pain would ever go away didn't know what it meant to be here without you.' to know he felt the same way.
This wasn't just something they were going to get used to. The only difference between the two was that Dean let it all out through his songs and Cas only took it all in.
Kind of a shame when your favorite singer is your ex lover.
"Castiel!" Balthazar called him as if he had been talking for a while without Castiel listening to him.
He put his stuff on his coffee table and turned to face his boyfriend.
"What do you want Balthazar?"
"What do I want? I want you to forget that asshole who didn't even care enough to stay. Hell he didn't even fight for you…"
And then it clicks for Cas. Balthazar had gone to Dean's party.
"I told you not to bother him anymore Balthazar." He growled angry.
"You did. Twice. Good for you!"
"What do you want from me? I never asked you to stay with me. I never kept this shit from you. you knew exactly how I felt. You think I don't want to forget him? you think this is easy for me? What have you even done to help me? You played his song, the one he sang for ME, on my fucking birthday! You confront him at every chance you get and you keep bringing him up. So tell me Balthazar what do you exactly expect me to do?"
"I expect you to make peace with the fact that that hairless ape is now working for me. I want my boyfriend to be by my side at parties."
Castiel could feel his blood boiling.
"Well I'm sorry but I believe the hairless ape has the floor. I'm not your fucking statue you assbutt. I'm not here so you can show off. I'm tired and sick of your fancy stupid games, your rubbish parties and friends. For years I tried to run from the hell I grew up in and you pulled me right back in it. I've had it up to here with you."
Castiel stopped to catch his breath. He hadn't felt this angry in years. He wanted to cause pain, make this man in front of him pay for everything that was wrong in his life.
"Cas..."
"DO NOT CALL ME THAT!"
Castiel growled with a handful of Balthazar's shirt. he wanted so bad to just punch him. but he took a breath and let go, pushing him back and turning away.
"Just leave."
"Cas… Castiel! Please…"
"Dammit Balthazar just leave me alone."
And he did.
February 25th , 2009
Adam smiled as the screams rushed through his ears. He just loved all this attention. This is where he belonged. He pushed passed the flashing cameras and entered the studio.
"Adam, you're next with Ryan." Came the voice and Adam turned to face Alison. He flashed a grin and nodded.
"Thanks."
She smiled back.
"No problem."
It was amazing how they had clicked so fast. He loved her like a sister and she knew about his massive crush on Dean. Her words, not his.
He knew what he felt was love. It wasn't just that he liked his taste of music, or the originality of his work, the quality or even the good looks he possessed. It was the person beneath all that.
He took a breath and sat on the big couch beside Ryan.
"So, you know how this goes?" Ryan asked.
Apparently they were still on commercials. He nodded.
"Yeah, yeah I do."
"Good."
"Alright people, we're on in 10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1."
"Welcome back, this is American idol and were almost through with the second group of our top 32. Last up is the 27 year old Adam Lambert. Now before he hits the stage I want to ask him a question that I know many people want to know the answer to. Adam, how are you doing?"
Adam winked, waving at the camera.
"Couldn't do better Ryan, what about you?"
"Amazing. So… you probably know what I'm gonna ask of you, right?"
"I can have a close guess."
"We all know you're a big fan of Dean Winchester, so tell me, have you ever met him?"
"Unfortunately Ryan, no. I never had the chance. I mean sure I've been to his concerts but I never really tried to make contact. I mean you don't want you first impression on your idol to be hysterical screams, right?"
That pulled another set of laughter out of the audience.
"Very understandable. I'm sure Dean will watch this… sometime… so you got anything special to tell him?"
"Well just that he's the reason why I'm here. It'll be very cool to meet him someday. A dream come true I'd say."
Ryan smiled, clapping his back.
"Well I hope you do. Now let's get you to perform. Good luck buddy."
"Thanks Ryan."
"Fuck." Dean breathed out staring at the TV. Ok now he was deep in shit. He knew how this went and apparently Adam did too. Dean had to give it to the guy, he was smart.
Adam started singing and Dean found himself lost in the act.
"Wow, he's actually good." he said to no one.
"I can get no satisfaction,
I can get no satisfaction,
but I try, and I try, and I try…
I Can get no, I Can get no…
When I'm driving in my car…"
His phone started ringing and he turned the TV down, trying to block out the half smile Adam was wearing. The dude was just hot.
Of course he didn't need the caller ID to know it was Pam.
"Pam, 'sup?"
"Hey Dean, did you see it?"
Dean rolled his eyes at no one.
"Sure did."
"So? You're gonna go right?"
"Pam, you know I hate talent shows. I can't do it again. Go and smile for the cameras, pretending like everything's peachy."
"Dean it's just one week. You're gonna go there and be their mentor for one week. You know how good it will be for your career? You'll be compared to people like Smokey Robinson! Plus Nigel is willing to pay good amounts to have you there."
"I bet he is! You know he's gonna make ten times more for making that boy's dream come true."
"So what? You know how cool it will be for your fans to see you up there? Come on Dean! this will be a win-win situation for everyone!"
"You're not gonna accept no for an answer are ya?"
"Nah!"
"I don't know Pam. Seems to me this dude is using me to get attention."
"Dean I expect more of you. I think we both know he's not lying. Plus even if he is, so what? When did you get so selfish?"
Dean sighed.
"Fine Pam. Fine. Tell 'em I'll do it."
"That's my boy." Pamela laughed a little.
"Hey, by the way, how are you?"
"Fine. Why?"
"Still not using the medication?"
"Pam! I said I'm fine, alright? Get off my back."
"Fine. It's not like I get worried or anything."
"Pam, I'm sorry! But I'm ok, alright?"
"Alright, you take care boy, ok?"
"Yeah, you too…"
Dean hung up.
"Ugh dammit."
He really hated talent shows.
March 10th 2009
"Dean I got the drinks. Bring the damn Cheetos."
"Sam, I think we could have used beer."
"Shut up Dean! I'm not letting you near any kind of alcohol ever again." Came the response.
Dean glanced a look at Jess who was putting chips in the bowl.
"Don't give me that look Dean Winchester. Sam is right."
"How did I end up with two moms?"
"Oh shut up you whiny baby." Jess said before leaving the kitchen.
It kind of hurt how normal and fun this felt. He still couldn't believe he had let Sam go for so long. He was dead without Sammy around.
"There ain't no me if there ain't no you!" He whispered to himself following Jess to the TV room.
"Alright, let's see your lover boy Dean."
Dean smacked Sam at the back of his head.
"Shut up."
"Alright, alright!" Sam laughed, leaning back to the couch.
"Last week on the wildcard show, the judges dropped a bomb. The top 12 are now the top 13. It is their time to shine. We've made it to the big stage, we are live, THIS is American Idol."
Ryan said on the TV before the music started.
"You still have a crush on Ryan?" Sam asked, ducking to avoid another smack.
"SAM!"
"What? Everyone knows you're hot for him."
"Fuck you Sam."
They all laughed settling back to watch.
"Tonight's theme, the music of the one and only, Michael Jackson."
"Holy crap. Michael? They're doing Michael?" Dean couldn't keep in his excitement. It was a little embarrassing really.
The sixth guy was cool. Kris Allen. Dean would vote for the guy. He was solid and confident.
"Wow she's good. 16? You gotta be kidding me." Dean said when this girl, Alison came on.
"Yeah, she's really good." Sam agreed.
"Where's lover boy?" Jess asked and Dean gave her the stink eye.
"What? It's true!"
"Shut up." Dean stuck his tongue out.
"Wow, that is one hot chick! Megan? I'm totally voting." He said collecting his phone. "And she actually sounds awesome."
Sam looked at Jess and smirked. Typical Dean.
"I mean just look at her tattoo…"
"Alright, he struggled to make it here for years, say hi to Adam…" Ryan said and Jess cheered.
"Heeey here's lover boy." Of course she met Dean's middle finger in response.
"I grew up in San Diego, California but right after high school I moved here to Hollywood. I just decided that I would dive right in and try to see what will happen to me in the entertainment industry. And honestly, it's… it's a struggle to make it as an artist I this business. Then there was Dean Winchester and I knew I had to follow in his footsteps. So… here I am."
Dean felt his cheeks burn. Damn this dude.
"Being here in Hollywood has definitely given me a little bit of a thicker skin. Had this opportunity presented itself maybe about 5 years ago, I probably would have crumbled under the pressure really fast. This is the big dream… so if it comes true I'll be… I'll be thrilled…"
"Alright so he's hot… I guess? If you're into that kind of thing?" Sam teased Dean and Dean throw the cushion at him making him shut up.
"Singing for the first time on the big stage, this is black and white, it is Adam Lambert." Ryan said and Adam started singing.
Dean found himself praising the guy for his song choice. The song suited him well. And he really liked the guy's style. Not something he would try himself but the style suited him too.
And he was hot. He knew what he was doing. You could tell he had a theatrical background though. All the facial expressions and body moves. He was hot alright.
"Holy crap, he sure has the voice." Sam said honestly, not messing around for the first time that night.
"Tell you what, he knows exactly what he's doing…" Dean said. He found himself respecting the guy.
And it seemed that all the others agreed too. Paula was practically jumping up and down. Even Cowel liked him. Huh.
He had to wait till tomorrow night to see what people thought of him. He was voting for sure.
Dean was staring at the TV chewing at his lips. The results were in. He still remembered his time on elimination nights. It was one of the worst feelings in the world. You had no idea, or control over what would happen to you. It was brutal.
He still got stressed thinking about it.
"The next hour will change the lives of these 13 people. Even though they made it this far, tonight we unleash a double elimination. Which two people got the lowest number of votes? And what is this new rule, all about?"
"Shit…" Dean breathed out. A double elimination? That just sucked.
Ryan continued.
"These are your results, and this is American Idol."
Dean reached for his glass of juice and smirked as they revealed the new rule. So the judges got to save somebody. It was smart.
He kind of missed his days at the competition. Yeah, those 3 asshole sure gave him hell but… he had friends there too. Over all it had been fun. He still remembered his first audition. He had still been thinking about Castiel. He was the only one brave enough to sing an original track.
Later it was released in his first album. He remembered everyone liking it but Crowley. That asshole had told him he was an idiot for singing an original song.
He wondered if Cas had been watching it at the time? Did he know Dean had never stopped writing about him?
"Where, where are the stars?
The one that we used to call ours
Can't imagine it now
We used to laugh till we fell down
The secrets we had, now in the past
From something to nothing, tell me
How did we lose our way?
It's hard to remember, all that we shared
Now we both have separate lives
From lovers to strangers, now alone
There's no one catching my fall
No one to hear my call
It's like I never loved you at all
Now you're so far away
And I see our star is fading
One too many times
Guess it just got tired of waiting around
The night that we thought, if these walls could talk
From something to nothing, tell me
How did we lose our way?
It's hard to remember, all that we shared
Now we both have separate lives
From lovers to strangers, now alone
There's no one catching my fall
No one to hear my call
It's like I never loved you
So now does he give you love
Oh, Is it only me now that's thinking of, what we had and what we were
Oh, Did you ever care, baby was I ever there?
How did we lose our way?
It's hard to remember, all that we shared
Now we both have separate lives
From lovers to strangers, now alone
Tell me how, did we lose our way
It's hard to remember, all that we've shared
Now we both have separate lives
From lovers to strangers, now alone
There's no one catching my fall
No one to hear my call
It's like I never loved you at all
It's like I never loved you at all
"
He just realized it now, he had never sang this one live.
Dammit Winchester, stop thinking about Castiel. What's past is past.
Ok, this was fun, poor guy, was it Matt? Ryan called him and he jumped to go to the center of the stage. Dean laughed out loud.
Ok so, Danny, Alison, Kris, and of course Adam are safe. Oh and Megan too. He liked her.
He smiled when Kelly stepped on the stage. The very first idol. He had never met her in person but she was cool. He had heard so much about her. He snorted again when Ryan started singing. He wished he had seen Ryan more often.
The episode finished and he let out a breath.
He still didn't know which week was his turn to go and mentor these poor beings.
ok... the bomb is out of it's shell... so... what do you guys think?
here are the original credits of the used songs:
1. Better than me - Hinder
2. Like i never loved you at all - Take that
