I groaned. My entire stomach felt heavy like something bad was going to happen. Jon had made me go to school, no matter how much I begged him not to. It seemed like there was never enough time and too much time all at the same time. If that makes any sense. Which I know it doesn't.
The day went by slowly and by the time it got over I was exhausted.
Jon had planned on picking me up and just as he said he was there. My father had taken my mother to chemo and we had an hour so we hung out inside. As we sat on the couch, I held Jon's hand.
"What are we doing, Bethanny?" he asked me, looking into my eyes.
"What do you mean?"
"Do you think we can really hide this from everyone forever?" he asked.
It wasn't meant as mean, but it kind of hurt. I felt like a parasite to his life within those couple of words.
"Well, not forever, but until I'm eighteen, yes."
Jon sighed "I don't know."
"What do you mean you don't know?"
"Keeping this whole thing a secret. It's hard."
"Well, no one ever said it would be easy."
"I just wonder if it's going to be worth it."
What the hell was he saying? My heart dropped and I felt like I was going to throw up. What happened to last night? What happened to I love you? How can he say it's not worth it? It's only a year and a half. He's already ready to give up.
"Are you kidding me?" I asked, letting go of his hand.
"What?"
"Don't what me. You just completely said you don't know if it's going to work out."
"Well, I don't. I mean, a week from now we could be broken up. Or it could be six years. The fact of the matter is I'm worried. I'm looking for a soul mate, not just a fling."
"You don't think this is just as hard for me?" my mouth dropped "You have to remember I'm sixteen. I'm not even thinking about soul mates. I'm thinking about college and how to pay for a car."
"I'm in this for the long run, Beth. That's the thing. I didn't mean anything by it. Just forget about it. You wouldn't understand."
"Oh." I said, getting angry "I wouldn't understand?"
"That's not what I meant and you know it."
"That's what you said!"
"It's just harder for me, okay?"
"How the hell is it harder?" I didn't even notice my voice raising
"What is management finds out? Sure, you'll lose a part time job. You'll lose a few hundred dollars a month. It's not that simple for me. I lose my job, Beth! My living! And along goes the apartment, the car, the bills, the heat, the food. You just, wouldn't understand." Between hand movements his voice rose. I was in shock.
My voice was at a deadly whisper. "Yes. I lose a few hundred a month. But I lose the few hundred a month that keeps my mother alive. I miss an entire chunk of my process that helps me live. And then, on top of it all, I lose you. But apparently only one of is worried about that part."
I know if you're reading this you might think I'm being kind of... well, for lack of a better term, a bitch. He just doesn't realize that he effects my life too. It's not just a one way street, nor should it be. That's the whole point of a relationship, right? Or maybe I'm just crazy. Maybe I'm wrong. But right now I don't care. He's treating me like a child. Yes, I know I'm far younger than him. And yes, he has years on my that I haven't even lived through yet, but he has no right to tell me I'm not living life.
I got up "Let's just go to work."
I didn't even look him in the eyes the whole ride to work. I was too afraid that if I did I would want to punch him and it would result in a car crash where we would both die a horrible and painful death. So, I decided against it. His fingers tapped annoyingly against the leather steering wheel. His breath was audible. It pissed me off. If you couldn't tell already, when I get angry at someone everything they do just becomes annoying. It's just something that happens and I don't know if it only happens to me, but it does.
He pulled up, and I got out, and booked it into the building. Ruby gave me an off look as I walked in and then gave Jon an off look. She was confused, but what else was new? I punched in, hung up my jacket, and went to the front. I was scheduled to be on main. Main was the worst place to be on the holidays. You typically have the longest lines and the most amount of problems. There's always some customer that wants fourteen small Christmas ornaments and thirteen coupons. I hate coupons. For the love of God, just pay full price.
I paid extra attention to my customers today just that I wouldn't have to pay attention to a certain manager who seemed to be lurking all day. He would walk by, stop, and then stare at me for ten seconds, walk away. He did this probably seven times an hour the entire day. Half way through my shift my phone buzzed.
Have you gone on
break yet?
-Jon
After ringing up a few more customers I replied.
You know I haven't.
A few minutes later low and behold...
Call Karen to the front.
Meet me in the coat
closet?
-Jon
I laughed. And then I got angry. Don't make me laugh when I'm mad at you!
Sorry. Just realized
how creepy that sounded.
-Jon
"Karen to main, please. Karen to main." my voice boomed out over the store.
$%)(*&^%$$%^&*(^^%$&)^
Walking into the coat closet was like walking into a cold dungeon. No windows, dim lighting, one heavy metal door, and it smelt really bad. Much like moth balls mixed with old socks. Wasn't exactly the most romantic place, but it did bring back good memories. Jon was leaning against a wall, looking kind of cold.
"I think I might only take fifteen so what is it?"
"I don't like fighting with you. In fact, I can't stand it."
"Thanks for the update. Should I go back to work now, Mr. Browning?" I was trying to be cold and I think I was doing a good job. I don't know. I don't normally do this kind of thing, so don't judge me.
"Beth, don't be that way. Mr. Browning was my father, I'm Jon. The lovable jokester that is your boyfriend. The guy who loves you and wants to make this work. The guy that has a big mouth and an even bigger head."
I hate him. I truly do. Here I am, trying to be all angry and whatnot and he's making me want to hug him. He doesn't play fair at all. His hand reached out for my own and I reluctantly took it. Him, taking this as a good sign, wrapped his arms around me.
"I'm still angry at you."
"I know you are."
His arms tightened and I sighed. We both knew it was a lie. I was never good at holding a grudge. I was never good at pretending to be angry. I'm not good at lying. It's one of my many downfalls. He rubbed my back and I felt my anger go away. I didn't even bother trying to hold on to the anger. It would come back eventually.
As for the rest of my break, I ran around Walgreens collecting all the materials to bake cookies. Six dozen of them in fact, because after I got out of work at ten o'clock I had to go home and bake, because the guys and teachers in biotech decided that the next day they wanted to have a holiday party. And they expected me to bake cookies. After grabbing all the ingredients, I stuck them in Jon's office. I was probably going to be up until midnight baking freaking cookies. This day just gets better and better.
By the end of the night I was exhausted. Jon had left an hour earlier than me so a ride home wasn't an option. I think he knew that I needed my space anyway. Walking home sucked, that's for sure. It was getting colder and colder with every day that passed. When I got inside my house it was nice and warm. I got out a giant bowl and got to work. In hindsight, it probably would have been smarter to have done individual batches because there was so much dry ingredients compared to the wet ones. It was like trying to make cement out of a bucket of dirt and a teaspoon of water. It just wasn't going to happen, and yet it did. I would also like to comment that I think it's disgusting that the recipe calls for an entire pound of butter. Yeah. I wanted to puke too. My mother told me it's a good moisturizer though.
With dozens of cookies, festive bags, and ribbon everywhere I decided that at two thirty it would be a good idea to get some sleep. As soon as my head hit the pillow, I was out.
^&*(*$$$%$))(&(^)*&
"Alwayys, always you are with me.
Alwayys, always you are with me."
My phone lit up right next to my face, blinding me with a bright white light. I looked down and after my eyes adjusted I was Unknown Caller followed by a number. I sighed. I figured it was my sister. She often calls me from unknown numbers because she's usually out on the streets. I pressed the green button and groaned.
"Hello?"
"Hey baby..." It was Jon
"Why are you calling me? Actually, let me rephrase. Why are you calling me at three in the morning?"
"I need a favor."
So, to make this short, I will tell you the background story. Three days ago Jon had gone and made copies of his keys as a precaution to not locking himself out of his car, apartment, or the store. Well, because he was excited he locked his apartment up, which he doesn't usually do because he lives in a gated community. So he went to go start his car, and closed the door behind him. After walking up four stories to wait for his car to warm up he tried to open his door, which on every other day would have been open, but not today. He then figured he'd just take his house key off of his car's copy. So, he runs down four stories to get into his car, which had automatically locked when he had shut it. And now he's calling me at three in the morning hoping I can call triple A for him, because he doesn't want to waste his quarters on a payphone because he left his phone on his kitchen counter.
I call triple A, who then asks for his account number and I click over to his call, which was waiting and ask him to give it to me.
"Yeah," he said as a rumbling noise goes by "I have it right... Oh crap."
"What?"
"I put the number on my key chain because I figured if I ever got broken down, chances are I would have my keys with me..."
"So basically, you have nothing."
"I have nothing."
"And there is no way for you to break into your car or your house."
"Pretty much."
I sighed "Alright, I'm on my way."
I got up and got dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. I whipped my coat on and warmed up my father's car. It takes about twenty minutes to get to where Jon lives. When I pulled up Jon was sitting on the building's steps, wearing nothing but jeans and a blue button down shirt. He looked so cold. He hopped into the car and I blasted the heat. He was shivering. I pulled one of my dad's sweatshirts from the back seat and gave it to him. He thanked me and put it on. I felt so bad for the poor guy. He would have froze to death if I was any later.
He put his hand in mine and it felt like ice.
"You're so warm." he said with his lip quivering
"No, darling, you're just freezing."
"I know."
"You're also an idiot."
"I know."
"It's kind of comical."
"I know."
I wrapped both hands around his and put my car in park. My forehead was against his and some color started to come back into his face. His tired eyes looked gratefully into mine. I kissed his cool cheek.
"Thank you." he said.
"For the kiss or the ride?" I asked with a smirk.
"Both."
I put the car in drive and we started off. I drove another forty minutes to take him to triple A, my hand hadn't left his once. On the way there he had fallen asleep. I giggled a few times. See, I notice the small things about people. It's kind of my thing. The good part about it was that I got to experience and love things that people don't even know about. Take Jon's sleeping for example. Jon talks in his sleep. At first, I thought it was just noises. Mumbles with not point or significance. But if you're patient enough and quiet enough you can make out what he says from time to time.
It took Jon twenty minutes to validate that he is who he says he is to the man who was at the desk. Jon just didn't want his car running all day while he was at work because then he would have no way of getting gas for it later on. Finally, the man agreed to dispatch a truck over there to shut it off and bring the keys to his work.
After that was taken care of I had to drive all the way back to the town I lived in. I got out of the car and walked Jon to the front door of Walgreens. Luckily, the pharmacist who was there had a key to open the store up and had let us in. Before I go any further I would like to say that the pharmacists scare me. They are completely shy and quiet beings, but they are truly observing. They watch every single little thing you do, but they never talk about it. I often wonder if they all talk about things and people during break, but even then I would think it's a stretch.
Jon wrapped me up in his arms and I did the same. I loved his smell, but the way it mixed with my father's sweatshirt just wasn't right. He gave me a tight squeeze and let me go.
"I love you."
"That's because I just saved your ass."
"Nah. I love you because of you. And that's the only reason."
I stood on my tippy toes and gave him a quick kiss. If I didn't leave then I would have been late for school. As I walked out the sun was rising. It gave the world around me a slight orange glow. The cold, crisp air helped wake me up a little. Although the day was just starting for most people, I had already gone through more work than I normally do. I parked the car, grabbed my bag from inside and made it to the bus stop. As I had put my bag down, the bus had pulled up. Great. I could already tell this day was going to be hell.
Between yawning like crazy and trying to not kill myself with the lad equipment we had a small holiday party. Everyone ordered Chinese food (minus the freshman) and I gave everyone their cookies, which probably came out burnt anyway. We played video games and laughed. Didi didn't come in that day, which made me kind of sad, so I ended up giving her cookies away to Alyssa, who didn't seem to mind.
By the time the lunch break came around I was about ready to pass out. I went outside to get some fresh air so that I might be able to stay awake for the rest of the day and I found Sam and Jasmine. Now, I know some readers might think they know what kind of people Sam and Jasmine are, but I assure you, you are wrong. They are sweet and kind, but they have a weird spot to them. Sam has an obsession with military men, which is actually quite hilarious since our school is pretty much on a military base. You could walk to it from our school. As far as Jasmine, she's just physically awkward. I don't mean that she has a giant boil on her face or anything, it's just the things she does. For instance, she has no problem going up behind a perfect stranger and air humping their backside. Yeah. That kind of physically awkward. I love them all the same though.
I spent my lunch period talking to them about what had happened the night before with the fight and then the whole driving thing. My phone buzzed. Jon had officially memorized my lunch schedule.
Can we hang out tonight?
-Jon
"Tell him no. Go home and take a nap!" Sam said, seeing how tired I was
"Tell him to let you sleep on it." Jasmine started cracking up laughing.
Before I could answer my phone buzzed again.
Nothing too big. I know
you're tired and so am I.
Just some soup and a
movie at my place?
-Jon
I let Jasmine and Sam glance at the text. They both agreed.
Fine. But I'm warning
you, there's a good chance
I'm going to end up falling
asleep.
As usual, it didn't take long for him to get back.
Alright. I'll pick you up
at six.
-Jon
The bell rang and I lingered outside for a while. It might have been cold, but the sun was gleaming brilliantly and warmed my skin. Jasmine and Sam went back to shop. Eventually I went back upstairs. I sat in a reclining lab chair and put my feet up. Even though I didn't mean to, I fell asleep.
The final bell is what woke me up. I rushed down the stairs and to my bus.
"Oh crap!" I said as I had got onto the bus.
"What?" Max asked
"Can you run and get me something?"
Basically, because I had zero time to prepare for my departure from the school I had forgotten a model heart that I had gotten for Jon, who had a major presentation going on in a few days on Monday. So Max, being the complete sweetheart he is, ran all the way up three flights of stairs to grab my heart. It was symbolically funny in a way. When he got back onto the bus I grabbed the heart with vigor and thanked him by giving him my left over Chinese food.
Once I got home the first thing I did was fall directly onto the couch. I was exhausted. I slept until five thirty. I felt better when I woke up and I was actually looking forward to tonight a little bit. Although I wasn't going to let him know that. I put some make-up on, which I had failed to do this morning, and put up my hair. My parents were out at an appointment and Julia was sleeping over a friends house. When the doorbell rang I let Jon in.
I hopped on the computer for a little bit and Jon and Alyssa talked for a while. She was stroking Jon's ego a little bit in the conversation. She was talking about how "uber hot" he was and how I was lucky. Jon, being just as tired as I was and being a male, took this as an opportunity to show off. He grabbed my little sister's cheerleading trophy and began to act out crying.
"And I'd like to thank the academy..." he said, wiping a non-existent tear from his cheek.
"Okay, Mr. Ego, hold your horses. You're not all that great." I said with a smirk.
"Oh really?"
He came over and put a hand on either side of me and leaned down. I heard his dog tags jingle against one another in the space between his shirt and his chest.
"Really." My eyes were locked on his and I was trying not to smile.
He leaned in closer and kissed me. I kissed him back. He tasted like peppermint, probably from the candy cane he was eating when he walked in, and sweeter than normal. His hands wrapped around my waist and he pulled me to my feet. We walked backward, falling over shoes and toys from the kid's day and we fumbled onto the couch. I fell on top of him and our kiss was broken.
"So, what was that about me not being all that great?" he asked with a smirk.
"Oh, shut up."
I kissed him again and again. I hated being angry at him. I hated being anything but loving towards him. And I hated him for it. My legs were bent up and he was holding me closer and closer still. I broke our kissing streak and kissed his nose. He chuckled.
"You're such an odd girl."
I laid my head on his chest "I love you."
He rubbed my back and I could hear his steady heartbeat "I love you too."
We laid there for a while, enjoying each other's company. I listened as his heart beat went from fast to slow and as his breathing went from stressed to even.
"So what did you want to talk about?" I asked, not even lifting my head from his chest.
He kissed the top of my head "I wanted to talk about us."
"What about us?"
"What do you think is wrong with our relationship?" he asked
"Well, the blaringly obvious is the age."
"Besides that."
"I don't know. I don't think there's much wrong. Why?"
"I just want you to be happy. I want to make sure you're happy."
"I am happy."
"Are you really, though?"
"I mean, do I think we're moving too fast? Of course. I'm falling in love with you faster than an elephant from an airplane, but I'm enjoying the fall. If anything we need to slow it down. But that's about it. I'm happy just being with you."
He squeezed me and I nestled into him. Things were going to work out for the better. I had this feeling that everything was going to be alright.
"Ready to head to my place?" He asked.
I nodded. And just like that, everything was put back together again.
