She gave up everything to be with me. I didn't know it at the time, she wouldn't tell me about the sad look in her eyes sometimes, when I caught her, and she didn't know I was watching. But eventually she told me the truth. She had chosen me over her vocation, she had known that would be the way from the moment she had kissed me and whispered to me to touch her. That was the uncertainty of the unknown; and here I just thought she was talking about feelings and sex and all that. Shows how dumb I can be sometimes, I should have realized that everything with her was much more than surface deep. So I got angry, my usual first response to any uncomfortable situation. I was mad at God that He would take that from her, and mad at myself for not realizing it at the time. I threw a few curses into the air; also pretty typical for me. Her hand on my bicep and her voice made me feel even worse.
"Why me?" I remember asking, "Why would you give everything up for me?"
She smiled through the little tear-streaked paths on her face. "Because you are my destiny now Logan." I cursed again, not at her, at myself, she understood.
"How could I look after anyone else when my mind would always be on you? That isn't fair to the beings that need help. There are others who will take my place, because I am to be at your side now, for as long as you will let me."
I just remember hugging her really tight right then; I felt like shit. I said sorry to God under my breath, He wasn't the first one I had rushed to judge, and probably wouldn't be the last. But at least now I could admit it.
The first few weeks on the island she stayed with me at night, but during the day she would vanish; I had assumed that she was attending to other duties, I didn't ask, I was being selfish again. I just loved that she was my bed every night; I didn't even think that she was just escaping from something that was uncomfortable for her. In the evenings, when the weather broke, we would walk around the rock and I would point out what the buildings or structures were for. Sometimes she would fly above me, or just out to sea, and I loved to see it. I'd seen Warren fly before, but his motions were always with such purpose, most of the time it seemed so violent; pitching into the air and diving from it again. She just flew for the love of it, and you could tell. Her wings moved gracefully, she took long sweeping turns and would catch the updrafts like a bird. And the way the twilight caught her. I know Piotyr watched sometimes too. She spoke with him if we happened to meet, and with Betsy, and a few of the others. She was still very quiet around Emma, but Emma also seemed very uncomfortable around her; not being able to read someone gets a telepath's radar going something fierce. And Scott, well, she never, ever met his eyes, not since that first day she decided to come with us. Truth was, though she tried to hide it, she seemed quite terrified of the guy, shying away and speaking only as much as she had to. Here I have to give Scott credit, he was trying to be nice. I think he had finally realized that she posed no threat; hell, she was hardly ever around anyone she could have harmed, and she never went out without me. She just trembled when she saw him; beyond his ability to see though.
That was another place where I really fell down in our relationship. The selfish part of me was actually happy to see that she wanted nothing to do with him. Part of me was still afraid that I'd lose her to him when she finally realized what a bastard I was really. So I didn't push her to figure out what was really going on. And I let it go on for way too long. Months passed, and only rarely did she come out with me during the day. She never seemed unhappy, but when other people started asking me what was up with her, my cinderblock head finally kicked in. I had a choice to make; my own familiarity or her comfort. Really it wasn't a hard choice.
We moved out into a cabin in Northern Canada. Isolated, which I thought might bother her, because at least on the rock she could have moved around freely amongst the other mutants, none of who would have judged her. I was wrong again. She loved it. She flew around over the treetops and to the base of the mountains every day. She smiled all the time, and only trembled at the right times; because of me. I didn't mind being alone at all, I had a pickup truck and went into town when we needed things, and I did jobs for the X-Men and the Canadians when they needed me. We had never made a secret of where we were, and once or twice some local teens popped up, usually on a dare, to gawk at her, strangely, that didn't seem to bother her either. She could do enough with her form to make them question their own eyes. Bothered me a bit initially, but because it turned into a game for her I left them be, long as they didn't do any damage, when they did they got to fix it, while I watched. I didn't make any secret of my powers.
Life was good. That's when she finally told me about Scott.
Scott was going to kill me. Let me tell you how long that sentence took to sink into my head, quite awhile, believe me. I don't even think I can fathom it to this day. It was one of the last things He showed her before she left. It was supposed to happen on the Rock, and it wasn't quite his fault, but it came at the end of a series of events, which would see him sacrifice me. It made my blood run cold to hear it described, but it explained a lot about her discomfort. I didn't know just how much I believed in destiny; I think I believe enough to know that it can be as fluid as water sometimes. But hey, why take the chance? We stayed put and watched a winter and a spring come in together. It was nice to be 'normal'.
I fell in love with her pretty early on, not that I'd admit it to myself then, but as I look back I could see all the signs. I cleaned up my language; as best I could. I started doing nice things for her 'just because'. I slowed down my drinking and smoking. And I missed her when I was away from her. I found her creeping into the most mundane thoughts, and I was happy. That was the big clue. I didn't walk around with a big chip on my shoulder, and when I did get angry, she could calm me down by just speaking my name out loud and touching me. I always figured it was another one of her Angel powers that one, but I didn't see the point in asking about it.
So why? You may ask, did I write all this down. Well, it has to do with the whole thing about being in love with her. I didn't just want some kind of sex diary describing my prowess; I don't ever expect anyone else to read it to be honest. It's for me.
Destiny or fate, however fickle has seen me get into a lot of scraps over the years. And more than once someone has wiped out all my memories and left me an animal, trying to piece together who I was and where I belonged. I figured if that held track then there was a decent chance it might happen again, and I just didn't want to lose this. So I wrote it out, longhand, so I would know the writing style, and I made copies. I sent one to the Rock, for safekeeping, I gave one to Thea to hide, and I have one here in the cabin. If something should happen the only person I might trust is myself, so it's a message to me in the future, so I can remember who she is, and how we came together, and that I love her and that I can trust her. And that's about it, my little insurance policy so I don't lose her or myself. And there you have it, or rather, here I have it. And that's the end of this story.
Okay, maybe not quite the end, it was supposed to be, but one more thing happened that I thought I had better write down. She came to me this morning, she'd been quite for a few days, but that happened to each of us every once in awhile. But this morning she had a big smile on her face. She looked at me and I could just see her eyes bursting with some kind of news she had to tell me.
"There's going to be a child." She told me, the look in her eyes just begging for my acceptance of the news. I accepted, by swinging her into the air before I could even think that I might hurt the baby. She giggled, like bells again.
So I'm going to be a dad it seems, at least I am going to get the chance to be a dad this time. She says it'll be in the spring, my mind is already thinking about building a nursery. I feel happy. I just thought you should know.
