10-12-2010 17:24 MT: Colorado Springs, CO


Landry stood at the base of the Stargate, taking deep breaths. Bracing himself for the anger he was sure he was about to face. He could have told her no. He should have told her no. She explained that there was no technical reason to do so, but he could have. It was a matter of which one of them you were more afraid of and he always felt Jack's bark was worse than his bite, but Sam…

As if on cue, Jack walked through the gate at that moment and reminded him who exactly he should be more afraid of.

"I just fired, Braxton. Expect him to be coming through at some point." Was all he said as he passed Landry and swiftly made his way to the elevator. The halls pushed in on Jack from all sides as he walked the all too familiar trek to the infirmary.

By the time he reached her bedside, his breathing was somewhat labored. He blamed it on the pace he had set. Sam was sleeping or still out, he didn't know which. The beeping monitor assured him she was still alive. Vala was asleep in the chair next to her, with her head resting on her folded arms on the bed.

He stared at the bandages on Sam's abdomen, then reached out to briefly touch her foot. He needed a tangible connection to her for just a moment.

Dr Lam joined him and answered all of his unasked questions in one line, "She is no longer critical, but she did lose the baby. I'm sorry, General."

His eyes traveled back up to Sam's face and he just stared at her.

He was full of anger, fear, disappointment, sadness and worst of all the most horrible and unforgivable sense of relief. That last one he could not understand and would never forgive himself for. He felt rooted to the spot. He took a few breaths and finally managed to acknowledge what she said, "Thanks, Carolyn."

She nodded and left.

Vala woke up and saw him standing there.

"Jack!" She jumped up and hugged him, but he did not return the embrace. His arms felt like weights.

Vala took a step back and tried to get a read on him.

He did not want to hear any excuses or make anyone feel better. "The reports." He simply ordered.

Vala nodded. "I'll go get them." Even though Sam was asleep, she squeezed her hand before she left.

He took up residence in Vala's chair and waited. Though he was not sure he should be here. He was not sure he could hold it together for her. Comfort her. He wanted to yell and shake her. Why did she go through the gate? They had a deal! But at least she was still alive. He looked more closely at her. He did not see the tissues on the bed when Vala's head had been there. One still resting in Sam's hand. He looked more closely at her red swollen eyes.

"I gave her something to help her sleep. It's been rough since she came to after surgery. She took it hard." Carolyn informed him when she brought in a bottle of water for him.

"When did it-?"

"Two days ago."

He had been out of communication with Atlantis for three and half days. They had been on the other side of a magnetic disturbance and could not get clear communications through and then they lost the Jumper and had go back and talk to the Asgard, again.

He allowed the back of his fingers to brush across the back of Sam's hand and nodded.

"Need anything, Sir? I can get you some food." She offered.

He shook his head, covered his mouth and watched her.

Vala returned shortly with the reports. The briefing, the individual reports of each of the mission members, Sam's advance mission letter explaining in writing why she felt the need to go, and an envelope just for him, just in case. Her official explanation was her thorough understanding of Ancient technology. Two pre-mission reports were unusual, but he knew why she had. In the event anything happened to her, there was extensive documentation, absolving everyone else. So, the powers that be - namely him - wouldn't blame anyone, but her. But he did. He blamed everyone… Daniel, Landry, Mitchell, and Vala. All of them knew better.

The letter just for him was her other reason for going. She explained that she needed to say goodbye to SG-1 in the only way she knew how. To help them one more time. And, that she knew if anyone understood that it would be him. Part of him did. Part of him had no interest in trying to understand.

He read the reports. Then he read them again. Then he started to read them again but put them down on the floor and held the letter she wrote just for him tight in his hands and covered his face.

"Jack?" Sam called out weakly.

"I'm here." He took her hand and did his best to mask every debilitating and overwhelming feeling.

"I-"

"I know." He cut her off, his voice heavy with emotion. He didn't let her say it. He couldn't hear it out loud again and certainly not from her lips.

Her chin started to quiver, her body shook, and her heart raced. The monitor's alarms sounded.

"Sam… Sam, look at me." But she did not stop. "Carter. You need to stay calm. You need to recover. It's alright." He said firmly, but softly to her and kissed her hand.

She looked into his eyes. He was not sure what she saw, because he felt both full of emotion and completely devoid of it.

She whimpered a bit and fell back asleep.

He was sure a certain former Canadian Commander would be sending a follow-up soon, so he sought out the Doctor.

"Dr. Lam,"

"You need to be medically cleared." She said before he could.

"Yeah, you probably shouldn't have let me near her. Though I was just with the Pegasus Asgard, so unless that bug up their ass is contagious…"

"You were already here when I came in. We can do this a few beds over."

"Thanks."

"I touched her hand." He admitted.

She directed a nurse to disinfect her, just in case.

She examined him and signed the form to clear him.

"You should go get a shower and change. I'll stay with her."

"SG-1's not?"

"They were, but you sent Vala out."

"Right. Can we get a private room? I know it's easier for you, here in the infirmary, but she'd hate it if people saw her crying. This is more than a mission injury; it's a private matter."

"Sure, I can do that. I'll put another bed in there, so you can get some sleep too. Since you just came off a mission yourself."

"Thanks. No visitors, okay."

"Not even SG-1?"

He shook his head.

"Okay. No visitors."

He grabbed Sam's computer bag and another bag with some personal items that Vala probably pulled together for her and helped them move her. He saw a large envelope sticking out and he had a feeling he knew what it was. When he pulled the papers out he found a copy of the updated Carter Protection Policy with the familiar taunting scribble of "The Most Dangerous Person on the Planet." He looked through it on their way. This copy included what he had known was coming and had not found the words or time to tell her. Her brother's family, Cassie and the baby would now fall under the supervision of the NID. There was a longer list, but they would have been her main concern.

Once in the room, her bed wheels were locked, the nurse checked all of the tubes and monitors, another brought in a clean set of BDUs for him, and then they left them alone. He thought about all of their conversations, hopes, dreams, plans, arguments… then kissed her forehead, "Sorry, Carter. I should have been the one to tell you." He showered and shoved his feelings down deep into that crowded dark pit of his soul.