When Friday finally comes I'm so excited. My date with Chris has arrived! Chris and I go to dinner and again we have a great time. Him and I mesh so well together. He laughs at all my jokes and I laugh with him about the funny stories he shares. We just always have stuff to talk about, it's great.
I'm really hoping he's going to kiss me at the end of the night. I catch a ride with him to his house and walk him to his door. So maybe I'm the one who should be initiating the kiss but the main reason I drove him home was because I'm a little worried about him going home himself. Even though I'm sure he has it down since he must be in his early thirties like me. And also, like I thought the last time, I feel like if I make the move, he might be unprepared for it.
We walk up the last step of his stoop to his apartment, which I'm already pretty jealous of. He must have a really great job to have this little place all to himself.
I stand in front of him and try not to breathe too loudly because I'm sure his hearing is much more keen, at least that's what I heard about losing one sense.
"So, I had a really great time," I say.
"Me too Chandler, you're a great time."
"You too, Chris. Can I call you again too soon?" I laugh so it could be a joke if he finds what I said super lame.
He chuckles at me.
"I would like that."
I wait, he's still not leaning in and I'm just blatantly staring at his lips.
I should just do it, I should just lean in I tell myself. I take a small gulp, again trying to keep it unheard. I start to lean in so slowly I doubt snails move this slow.
"Just kiss me already," Chris interjects with a grin. He knew, oh my god, how does he do that? I freeze, and he leans in the rest of the way. His lips are smooth and he kisses me slow, a slow romantic kiss. He lets his lips gently fall off mine and my eyes stay closed as I'm living the kiss over again. I'm glad he can't see how long my eyes remain closed because I don't even realize until his voice brings me back to reality and I pop my eyes open again.
"Goodnight Chandler," he speaks.
"Good—goodnight," I falter and he unlocks his door and then leaves me on his stoop. I'm just standing there, still reeling a bit from the kiss, but also a bit disappointed it's all I'm getting. Truthfully, this is truly slow for me, well since I came out. For women I waited weeks to get any action, but since I started dating guys one or both of us were always up for putting out either the first or definitely second date. I know I can't be mad at Chris for taking it slow, but it sucks because I already like him more than any guy I've dated and he's the only one making me suffer. I wonder if maybe he's holding off because he really likes me too. I know that's what a lot of women used to say, that if you actually like them, you wait. Well, I'm happy to wait a little longer because I think I'm really into him, I head home.
I walk into the apartment and see Joey at the fridge chugging some orange juice.
"Uh hey Joe," I say.
"Hey man," he says after lowering the carton.
"Thirsty?" I jest.
He smiles and shakes the carton.
"Gotta fuel up," he wiggles his eyebrows at me.
"Oh you have a girl over?"
"Yeah, she's in my room," Joey boasts, like he's never had a girl in his room before.
I just nod at him, not needing to go into specifics.
He twists the cap back on and puts the carton back in the fridge.
"Hey, how was your date?" he quickly inquires.
"Oh, good thanks."
"Did you uh, need any rejuvenation," he bobs his head back to the fridge, implying to the sex I didn't have.
"Uh, no not this time."
His smirk fades.
"Oh, he's holding out on you?"
"We're waiting, cause we actually care about each other," I suddenly make this my philosophy because I don't want to make Chris look bad. Even though it shouldn't matter what Joey thinks, I don't have to live by his life-style.
"Alright, well I'm gonna not wait and go have round number two fun," Joey vaunts and hurries past me to his room. He creaks the door open and slips in. I sigh, wishing I could have even one round with Chris. I want to sleep with him so bad and now I'm sitting here alone while my roommate gets to have not only have sex, but have it more than once.
The next day Joey and I are just lounging around, being as lazy as possible. We've been watching TV all morning in the lounge chairs. I turn over to him during a boring commercial.
"So, you gonna see that girl again, from yesterday?"
"Nah," he shrugs like every other time.
"What about you and Chris?" Joey asks.
"Yeah, I really like him actually."
"And you gotta at least wait until the good part."
"Sex is not the only good part," I keep defending, even though I'm not really crazy about waiting.
"So, how's the blind thing going?" he asks.
"I mean no problems so far. I guess it takes a little getting used to, but so far it's been kind of good. I don't have to watch weird faces I make or worry too much about my clothes ya know."
"Yeah… well, it's a good thing he's blind, now I can't steal him from ya," Joey jokes, but it's the first time he's ever made a gay joke and I'm a little surprised.
"Yeah, phew," I smile.
Joey looks over at me.
"Was that offensive or something?" He assumes from my off tone.
"Oh, no I just wasn't expecting you to make that kind of joke, it was funny," I assure him.
"You know, I was actually offended when I found out he was blind."
"Why?" Joey asks.
"I thought maybe Rachel picked him 'cause she thought…you know I'd never get a guy like that if he could see me."
Joey frowns sweetly.
"Aw, come on Chan you're not ugly. You're a good looking guy."
"Not like him, not like you," I say without thinking.
"Come on, everyone has their likes," Joey tries.
"Yeah like when the two of us go out, anyone's really gonna look at me over you," I protest.
Joey is about to think of a way to object this, but I don't need him to make something up so I just keep going.
"I just think if Chris had his sight, he'd be a different person. He wouldn't appreciate personality so much and so he probably wouldn't even look at me."
"You don't even know that," Joey attempts.
"You're sweet Joe, but you're just saying that."
I can tell Joey feels bad for my view on myself, but I'm just being honest.
"Look, you can't just compare yourself to everyone. You don't have to be better looking than everyone around you to find someone. You shouldn't think of Chris that way, what matters is he likes you and he doesn't need to see you to like you. It's better than just living off your looks," Joey comments.
I smile at Joey, it's times like these I forget he is such a great friend. You don't need brains or looks to be so sweet. I like when he's actually honest with me.
"Thank man."
He smiles and pats me on the shoulder and then heads back to the show we're watching.
I see Chris again the next week. We meet up one night after work for another nice dinner. I sit down at the table with him and suddenly I feel better about everything. It's like Joey's words are ringing in my head. I never thought he could make me feel so much better about myself, but he did. I just think about how Chris actually likes me, the real me and I could be the ugliest man or the most attractive man on earth and it wouldn't matter. Suddenly, that's the most humbling thing, that my personality is attractive to Chris. Now, I'm even more giddy over Chris.
After dinner, we decide to walk through Central Park, we picked a restaurant pretty close. It's romantic, they have lights out and we're walking down a quiet path in the park, still talking like we have been all night.
We sit down at a bench to keep talking, but now all I can think is, can we make out? Can we go back to my place, can we do something? I cut him off with a kiss and he doesn't seem to mind. So, we start making out and all I'm thinking is finally, my god I need his lips. It's pretty intense until Chris slows things down again and then eventually stops our steamy session.
"Chandler, I really like you," he tells me.
"Me too," I tell him eagerly.
"It's just, I like to take things slow," he says and I'm glad he can't see the huge frown displayed on my face. I don't respond and luckily he keeps explaining.
"See, I just need to know I can trust people because I can so easily get hurt you know? I mean it'd be insanely easy for you to go behind my back."
That makes a lot of sense, I hadn't even thought of that. The idea of waiting is still a bit tortuous though, especially in times like these when he really got my blood flowing with a make out session. I squeeze my thighs together, trying to generate some will power.
"I get it," I say. "Why don't we catch a cab home?"
"Okay, thank you," he says and we get up and walk back to the bustling streets.
We share a cab and just get dropped off at our own stops, since we already had more than a goodnight kiss and we'll make plans to see each other again.
I get home and I'm still hanging onto some discomforting arousal. I put my things down to hear another uncomfortable sound of a female voice moaning from Joey bedroom. Oh great, what a perfect night to come home to this. Usually, when the Joey's guests are too loud I either try to go over to Monica's or just roll under my pillow and find a way to plug my ears. It's pretty late, so I head into my room and shut the door. I scramble to find my Walkman. I get the headphones over my ears and try playing it, but it won't start. I realize it needs new batteries. I groan and throw the thing to the end of the bed.
I keep hearing the grunts and moans from the other side of the wall and unfortunately it's provoking my member even more. I think I need to get out of here, when suddenly I consider a different option. I do need to get this pent up arousal out somehow and if these sounds are doing something, it would make things a lot easier.
So, I do it. I unzip my pants and stick my hand under my underwear. I start stroking as the girl gets even louder and starts calling Joey's name. I start imagining what Joey could be doing to her and then try to imagine doing those things and other things to Chris. I picture me and Chris and it picks up the pace of my hand. The girl is still calling Joey's name over and over again and before I know it I'm climaxing along with her in the other room.
When I come down from my mini high, I quickly head to the shower, a little embarrassed by my actions even though no one ever has to know.
Unfortunately, I found the awkward situation very helpful and in a sick way I start attempting to plan my dates with Chris the same nights I find out Joey has a date. And every night when Chris leaves me high and dry, I head home and, almost like clockwork, Joey is fooling around with some girl, making everything very vocal. I close my door and let their night help me finish mine.
I know it's pretty sick and gross and wrong, but what can I do? I'm not asking them to have rudely loud sex in the next room and I'm definitely not asking Chris to hold out on me.
I've done this a couple times already and although it's helping me get through I'm really wondering how long it will take for Chris to trust me enough. I really feel I have proved my sincerity to him by now. That I truly like him enough and I don't want to hurt him.
Well, finally I think tonight is the night. It's our seventh date, seventh! We have a very nice night and we're by his place so I offer to walk him home. We walk up his stoop and I'm planning on kissing him goodnight and then heading home. I lean in and we start kissing sweetly, like always. He rests his hands on my face and lets me kiss him with some tongue; it's not our first time.
When we break the kiss, I press my lips together.
"Well, I had another great night," I say.
"Me too, I don't want it to end," Chris says.
I smile.
"Me either."
"Well, then do you want to come in?" Chris asks and my eyes widen. I've really let my control of expressions go since dating Chris. I probably look like a lunatic most of the time, just letting exaggerated expressions run wild.
"Uh, yeah I do," I sputter, totally uncool. He chuckles for a second and then unlocks the door. My heart is beating so fast.
We walk inside and I compliment his place, it is really nice.
"Make yourself comfortable," he says and points to the couch. I let my eyes go wide again because I can't believe this might be it, this might be the night.
I sit on the couch and take my coat off.
"Wine?" he calls from the kitchen.
"Sure, thanks," I call back. He comes back in a few minutes with two wine glasses. We start sipping our wine and he tries to start a conversation back up, but my mind is too distracted with the possible of sex that I barely say anything and the conversation keeps dying. Luckily, Chris takes it perfectly well and we make out instead. I get instantly hotter with everything Chris does tonight because I just keep thinking its actually going to go further tonight. And it does, Chris stops and says, "Want to take this to the bedroom?"
"Yes," I breathe out and we move into his room. We fall onto his bed and for the first time I get to kiss him all over. I take his shirt off and he's in great shape, better than me. Another reason I'm thankful that won't be so obvious to him. We're rolling around his bed half naked, kissing and biting each other. We can't get enough of each other.
Chris flips me over so he's on top again and starts kissing down my body making my skin burn to no end. I still can't believe this is finally happening, I'm too excited, too ready. He moves to my underwear and slides them off. I bite my lip with anticipation. Chris decides to put his wet mouth over my penis and it instantly makes me moan loudly. I throw my head back. I've been waiting so long to do everything with Chris, this is all so amazing. And he's really good at this, maybe not seeing and only feeling is the key to blowjobs. He's still going hard and strong and I'm crumbling underneath him. I can't take much more and I'm groaning with every touch of his tongue and teeth.
"This is so good," I huff out.
He keeps going.
I feel myself getting so close.
Pleasure shoots through my body.
"Oh God, ooh Joey," I cry out.
I hear myself say it and I freeze and my heart drops. Chris has paused all his movement as well and he slowly removes his mouth from my crotch and sits up.
"Did you say Joey?"
I can't answer; I'm overpowered by fear, regret, and an immense state of arousal.
"You're…you're roommate Joey?" Chris questions me again.
I can't move, oh God what have I done?
