Dear readers…I was floored by the number of hits to this story the last two chapters, and as those of you that left a comment know, a bit affected by a very negative anonymous comment…but, I believe in the story I set out to tell and will continue the course intended till its conclusion. This chapter, however, was totally unexpected…and not part of the original story. To each of you that commented on Ch 8 and offered such inspiring word, though I've done so individually already, thank you, again!
Heartbreaking Reverberations – Chapter 9
"Meredith," Jenna smiled as they sat in the cafeteria and watched Meredith look longingly at the cup of coffee Kathleen was drinking, "I get the feeling you're not happy about giving up coffee."
"Maybe it's ok to drink decaf," Meredith mumbled, "I don't know…"
"Actually," Kathleen said, "some research, several in fact, find it's not good for the mom, the risk of heart disease increases, due to higher fatty acids linked to bad cholesterol, as well as miscarriage, so if you're going to drink…regular coffee may be better, and one cup is not going to make a difference."
"I'm not taking any chances," Meredith replied immediately, "I can wait…"
"You can have hot chocolate," Carolyn smiled, and started to rise from her seat, "in fact…since I already know it's one of your early cravings, why don't I get you some?"
"You don't have to do that," Meredith said, "I can go…"
"You can stay where you are," Carolyn said, "and practice small talk…with your sisters in law."
"She's very bossy," Kathleen said, "you have to get used to it…"
"That's what Derek tells me," Meredith said with a hint of sadness.
"Meredith," Kathleen said, "I don't know what's wrong…what's happened between you, but I can see you're both hurting…can't you talk to him…tell him what you're feeling?"
"I did," Meredith told her, "he knows now."
"Can we help?" Jenna asked.
"No," Meredith said, "Derek needs to time to think."
"Did he tell you that?" Kathleen asked her, the psychiatrist never far away.
"No, I asked him," Meredith replied, "to take his time."
"Why are you doing this?" Kathleen asked her. "You know he loves you, you said as much."
"I already told you," Meredith said, "I don't want him to have doubts…"
"But, Meredith," Kathleen insisted.
"Kathleen," Jenna interrupted her. "Leave her alone…and for God's sake…you know why she's doing this…"
"Really…" Kathleen challenged her; amused by what she anticipated would be another hormone induced Janna rant.
"Of course…Kathleen, you're not dense, and you've been pregnant enough times, in addition to the rest of us, to recognize the symptoms, she's clearly irrational and not thinking straight, thanks to all these hormones that have multiplied in our bodies overnight…"
"I'm not being irrational," Meredith argued, "you have no idea…"
"Oh, please…" Jenna dismissed whatever she was going to say just in time for Carolyn to reach their table and place a cup of hot chocolate in front of both Meredith and Jenna, "of course you are, take my word for it, not only is it going to get worse like we already told you, but if you were not pregnant, there's no chance in hell you'd be acting the way you are, because that is just plain stupid…"
"Jenna," Carolyn said, "that's enough."
"Mom, I'm pregnant and I know what she's feeling right now… and she knows I'm right. She told us she was going to tell him the night of the accident, so this does not make any sense. Nothing has changed about how they feel about each other," she finished and her mother and sister exchanged glances, they knew what would come next; the tears.
"Please," Meredith said to Jenna, tears gathering in her own eyes, "please…don't get upset…it's ok…really…"
"No," Jenna said, and Carolyn and Kathleen weren't quite as sure if the tears were real; they were. "It's not ok…we haven't seen my brother in over two years, and for the last forty eight hours we've gone through every possible emotion, flying across the country not knowing if when we got here he'd be dead, and then he was ok, and first he's married, then he's not…and now…he's going to be a father and he doesn't know…and you don't want to tell him, and I do understand, not completely…but some… how Nancy's bitchiness could have made you feel the way you do…but what I don't understand is that you say you love him…and that you know he loves you, but that it isn't always enough. Meredith…it is enough…it's more than enough."
"Jenna," Meredith said quietly, she had listened to everything she'd said, and it did it made sense. "There's a lot…many things we've gone through…that you don't…you don't know…and I want to give him that time…I need to…so he's sure.."
"He loves you Meredith and you've said you love him…look at how short life is…how all of it could have been taken from you in a moment's time…talk to him…"
"I did…" Meredith said, getting more emotional and upset, "I talked to him…he needs to decide what he wants…"
"He already knows," Jenna told her emphatically, but sympathetic at the same time.
"I hope so," Meredith said, "I do hope so…"
"And," Jenna said and sniffled, "just so I can get it all out of my system…you didn't even invite us to your wedding…"
Carolyn and Kathleen exchanged smiles, even though they knew Jenna's tears and emotional outburst had been real, she had now also said what they'd been dying to say about that original wedding.
Meredith looked at Jenna, somewhat at a loss for words, "but, Jenna…we didn't have a wedding…"
"That's not true," Jenna told her, "you had a wedding planned, and don't try to deny it, even though Mark told us how you gave it away…which is generous and lovely and all of that, but before you knew that was going to happen, Derek didn't even invite us to the wedding…so don't tell me it's all ok…when you didn't even want us to be part of his life…"
"That's not true," Meredith said, quit certain she wanted to kill Derek for all that had transpired leading up to their non-wedding, "we wanted you here…we did, but we had to change the date, my friend was dying, we changed the date…it was last minute."
"You don't think you could have told us…called Mom and told her…she gave Derek her ring for you…Meredith…"
"Jenna," Carolyn said, and lay her hand on her arm, "that's enough…it's in the past."
"It's not Mom," Jenna said, "that hurt you…and you won't say anything…but it's time someone did…you took your engagement ring off for the first time since Dad died and gave it to Derek, and they didn't even call you to say they were getting married…"
"Jenna," Kathleen said, "I know you're pregnant, but that doesn't mean you can bend the truth to your liking…you know he called to tell Mom he'd proposed and told her about the wedding and we got the invitations…"
"Wait," Meredith said, "you just made all that up? You put me through all of this guilt…and you knew Derek had called…"
"I just wanted you to realize what hormones…" Jenna met Meredith's incredulous stare, "will do to your rationale…it kills it…completely."
"You," Meredith repeated, "just put me through hell…to prove a point…"
"Yes," Jenna said, "but all I said is true and nobody wants to tell you and Derek how upset we were not to be here for that day, even if you gave it away, and I hope it will bring you to your senses," she added in a firm tone, "and have you go talk to my brother and fix this…" and then she softened and once again reached out for her hand, "and please…tell him he's going to be a dad…Meredith…he's going to be so happy…don't make him wait...if this accident had not happened…you would have already told him, you wouldn't be having these doubts…"
"I'm not going to make him wait forever…a couple of days…that's all…so …he's sure…that he wants …" Meredith said quietly, not quite as certain of her reasons for staying away, but determined still he needed to want that lifetime commitment before he found out she was pregnant.
"Meredith…" Jenna said, "Derek loves you…and you love him…don't punish him for what Nancy said."
"I'm not…you think that's what I'm doing…" Meredith asked her and got emotional.
"Ok," Carolyn said, "girls, enough of this…neither of you is rational at this point, and don't look at me that way," she said referring to the glaring glances.
Jenna ignored her mother. "You're having a baby…a baby Meredith that you already love," she said and wiped a tear away and reached over again and placed a hand over Meredith's, "I know you do."
"Of course I do," Meredith agreed, and gently squeezed her hand, "and the baby's ok…the heartbeat's strong…and Dr. Cameron said there's nothing wrong, that I don't have to worry, even though he does want to monitor what's been happening with…" Meredith briefly wondered if she was headed toward the same teary eyed sentimental journey Jenna had displayed in just a few minutes time.
"You've been to the doctor," Jenna said, "heard the heartbeat…do you have a sonogram?"
"I did…and it was the most beautiful amazing sound."
Kathleen and Carolyn were almost always in tune with one another, and neither wanted to interrupt the bonding that was indeed taking place between these two women, the sister and the wife their brother undoubtedly loved, but the difference was that Carolyn already had answers.
"Meredith," Kathleen said softly, "you said he wants to monitor what's been happening…what's going on…you said you're ok…heartbeat's good."
"I'm ok now…well there was still some cramping this morning, but he said it should be fine…and Dr. Bailey and your Mom said it can happen…"
"Mom," Kathleen turned to her, "you knew this was going on and didn't say anything."
"Kathleen it was not up to me to say anything…she needs to tell Derek first, and the Doctor wants to monitor any further symptoms…but you both know, it's not unusual to have some cramping, he's being cautious, as he should be…since it's into her eight… "
"Meredith," Jenna said softly, the bond between these two women clearly established, as early as the moment they'd exchanged in Derek's room, "you're eight weeks along…and you heard the heartbeat…"
Meredith went on to explain to his sisters the symptoms she'd had, and the concerns she'd shared and subsequent conversation with the doctor.
"That makes sense," Kathleen said, "he'd want to do an ultrasound right away…but it sounds like you're going to be fine…it's too bad we can't talk to Nancy, that's her expertise..."
"Please," Meredith jumped right in , "please don't tell her…don't say anything else, no matter what happens…what decision Derek makes…he needs to know first…no one else can know…please…don't say anything."
"Sweetheart," Carolyn reached over and held her hand in both of hers, "we will not say anything to anyone else. Not until you're ready."
"Thank you," Meredith told her, the emotions reflected in her eyes needing no further words to convince these three women, to whom she had entrusted her most intimate and unexpected secret, that they would indeed keep their silence.
A somewhat similar, yet more intense conversation was taking place in Derek's room; one with potentially more damaging emotional consequences for the family.
"Let's go back," Carolyn said, "I think it will be good for Derek to see all of us…and then," she looked at Meredith, "maybe the two of you can spend some time together, even if you don't talk…you can just be there…but," she said in a tone that would accept no challenge, "not for long, because after that, you are going home to get some sleep."
"Carolyn," Meredith started to say and was interrupted
"Meredith, I'm not accepting anything else, and I'm going to come with you to make sure you get some rest and have a home cooked meal…and we start taking care of you and my grandchild."
"Carolyn…"
"No other options…" Carolyn Shepherd said emphatically.
"Mom," Jenna said, "you shouldn't be such a bully…she's not one of the kids…"
"Carolyn," Meredith chimed in, "I was going to say…Jenna should get some rest too…that she should come home with us…"
"Yes," Carolyn said after a few seconds, she'd been surprisingly caught off guard, "that's a very good idea indeed."
"Meredith," Kathleen said, "whatever you need…you know…you have a built in support system…" and she smiled, "nobody knows about pregnancies better than we do…just pick up the phone and call us, but remember that Jenna…she has the most experience with crying and rants…and has probably perfected getting her way…to a science."
Inexplicably, Meredith would reflect in the years ahead, within hours of sharing the news of her first pregnancy with Jenna and Kathleen, instinctively knowing she could trust them and Carolyn explicitly, deep familial bonds were born.
They could hear the anger in the raised voices filtering to the hallway as they approached Derek's room, and Meredith rushed to stop him from continuing.
"You want to know why," he was yelling at Nancy, "even though it isn't any of your business…why it is she may feel the way she did…and does… why…after I insulted her and I took that ring and…"
"Derek," Meredith walked in interrupting him, "don't…"
He was silent as he composed himself, the sharp intake of breath heard by everyone in the room, including his mother, sisters and Mark.
"I'm not going to let her continue to stand here and," he paused, measured his words to avoid further hurting Meredith, "she should know why you have doubts…why you believe I have them…which I don't…how my actions demeaned everything…how I took that symbol and…."
"Don't," Meredith locked gazes with him, eyes shimmering with tears, knowing he was going to mention taking the bat, "please…don't say anything else…not now," she pleaded, "do it for me…please…don't say anything else…" and he understood her request as she glanced at his mother, and the depth of the love he'd felt for her, what he thought would not be surpassed, became immeasurable, as she stood in front of him, her own fears and pain reflected in her eyes, and tried to keep him from uttering words that would break his mother's heart, "not now…"
"I don't care," he said, "we don't have anymore time…"
"Derek…" Meredith said, afraid of what he was going to say, "we have time…"
"We have no more time to waste. I don't want more misunderstandings…and this is the only way to clear things up…"
"No," Meredith shook her head, "not this way," and then, unexpectedly she took a page out of Jenna's book and effectively ended the possibility he'd continue and say things that would only hurt his mother's feelings, and she knew, without any doubts whatsoever that she did not want Carolyn to hear what he had to say.
"Meredith…" Derek ignored her, "I won't have her continue to talk about…"
"Carolyn," Meredith turned to his mother for support, and whispered to her, though loud enough for him to hear, "I'm not feeling very well, would you come with me…"
"What…" Derek said, "what's wrong…Meredith…" and he failed to see the almost invisible smile shared with Jenna and Kathleen as she turned and Carolyn Shepherd led her away.
"Meredith," his mother said as they walked toward an unknown destination. "You better have a damn good explanation for what you just did."
"Jenna's right," she said, "being irrational gets worse."
"Meredith," his mother warned, "the last thing you want…is to be like pregnant Jenna, and it wasn't a very nice thing to do to Derek…he's frantic."
"Carolyn," she turned to her, "isn't there a saying…or something…about justifying the ways to the end …"
Carolyn chuckled, "you mean, the ends justify the means."
"That's it," Meredith said. "I can never get those straight."
"You better get it straight…young lady, and tell me what that was all about."
"I'm pregnant Carolyn," she said, her words sounding foreign to her ears, even more so that she was indeed behaving completely out of character; talking, communicating with family…his family…and feeling it was the right thing to do, "you're not supposed to add undue stress…just ask Jenna."
Unexpectedly, Meredith would discover, emotional irrational hormonal induced havoc could also find rationale that brought understanding and healing between two opposing factions, as before another twenty four hours elapsed, Meredith and Nancy would embark on a road of new and lasting understanding.
A/N 31OCT – This chapter, as I mentioned was not something I expected to include in this story, most of it anyway. However, I think, there may be a problem with FF in the recording of hits, and I do like to know if anyone is reading. So, I started writing last night and I'm posting it now to see if there's a problem with FF. Either way, I will continue to write the rest of the story. Chapter 9 was supposed to pick up with the scene between Derek and Nancy, instead you got a whole lot of family bonding I had not intended to write, but loved being able to have someone in his family say all that to her... I never ever understood how they could plan a wedding without including his family! Anyway, Ch 10 will begin there. The end of this chapter, from the moment Meredith interrupted Derek and walked out with Carolyn was always part of the story. Thanks again for your patience with this story…I hope you will not be disappointed in the chapters that follow.
