AN: Hi, guys! Sorry this took so long. I got a little sidetracked with life and a Reedus RPF that is very different from Hold On. Thanks for sticking with me!
This is another reminder that Hold On is an AU of the show's timeline, so in this universe, Rick has yet to recant his "this isn't a democracy" diatribe.
Disclaimer: All copyright and trademarked items mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. The remaining content is mine.
I overslept the next morning. When I woke up, I was in my bunk with Judith nestled between the wall and me. I vaguely recalled Daryl kissing me to sleep, then carrying me down to my cell, but it all felt like a dream. It couldn't have been, though, because I was sore in places I'd never been in my life and I'd slept better than I had in months.
I rolled slightly away from Judith to twist and stretch my body awake, feeling my muscles and joints groan and pop after such a deep night's sleep. I wondered why Carol hadn't woken me, and decided to take Judith and go looking for her. As I pushed my feet into my boots and pulled my hat on, I remembered how worried I was the night before—that maybe we were seen or heard. I worried that was why Carol hadn't woken me—that she was embarrassed or ashamed of me.
It was no secret that Glenn and Maggie were together and that they were physical; you could see it in the way they looked at each other and the way they touched. But they didn't rub it in people's faces. I wasn't ashamed of Daryl, but I was ashamed that I'd been so indiscreet.
By the time I found Carol in the laundry room, hanging some clothes to dry, I'd worked myself into a tizzy.
"Mornin'," I said quietly, my voice rough and groggy—another indication of how lazy and careless I'd been. I nervously bounced Judith on my hip, waiting for Carol's reply.
Carol turned, looking surprised. "Well, good mornin', sleepy head," she replied with a grin. "How ya feelin'?" She looked me up and down expectantly, and reached for another shirt from the basket of freshly washed clothes.
I shifted Judith to my other hip, feeling Carol's eyes scrutinize me. "Okay," I answered. "Shoulda woken me." I looked around the laundry room for a place to lay Judith down so I could help with the clothes.
"I got this," Carol said, smiling at me sideways as she turned to hang the shirt on the line. "Needed the sleep, I'm guessin'."
I bristled slightly. It wasn't obvious if she'd seen or heard us, but she was certainly acting like something was up. I needed to figure out a way to talk it out and apologize. "Yeah, I guess," I said, laying Judith in a bin of clean, dry clothes, then turning to help Carol hang the rest of the wet clothes. "I slept good, though."
"I bet you did," Carol replied with a wink.
"Oh, no," I said, realizing that she knew exactly what had gone on with Daryl and I the night before. "Were we… loud?" I asked in a whisper, looking around the room to see if anyone else might be listening in. "I tried to be quiet, and I know he was tryin', too."
Carol snorted, then reached out and laid a hand on my shoulder. "Sweetie, it's okay. Really. It's not the first time I've heard someone havin' sex in this prison, and I'm sure it won't be the last."
Then she turned back to her task, leaving me staring, open-mouthed in shock. I'd never heard anyone—not even Maggie and Glenn!
"Really?" I asked, suddenly intrigued. "Who?"
"Well," Carol paused, looking me in the eye with an arched brow as she clipped wooden clothespins over the folded shoulders of the shirt she was hanging. "Your sister and Glenn for starters; Rick and Sasha; Andrea walked in on Ty and me last week." She shrugged as she listed the incidents like they were common knowledge. I was stunned.
"Bethie, these are some close quarters we live in," Carol continued. "It isn't exactly easy to be inconspicuous around here. We all just have to try and respect each other's privacy." She shrugged again, as if it was all a given that everyone who was able was having sex at every possible turn. "I was just teasin' ya." She turned to face me and laid a gentle hand on my shoulder again. "And, I want to be sure that you know you can talk to me if you need to, okay?"
I blinked, then nodded. "Yeah, okay," I said. "Thanks." I worried the damp t-shirt in my hands between my fingers, and Carol cocked her head to hold my gaze. She didn't look convinced that I was okay, and I realized that I wasn't entirely.
I wanted to talk about the night before with Daryl, but I didn't know what to say. Was it appropriate to gush like a schoolgirl at cheerleading practice over my first time with my boyfriend? Was he even my boyfriend? I was confused and excited and I didn't know where to start.
"What, sweetie?" Carol encouraged me to speak.
I sighed. "I'm happy?" I said, sounding like it was a question, even to my own ears. "Is that even right? I mean, Daryl just lost Merle and we almost lost Sasha yesterday."
Carol pursed her lips and nodded, then a small smile spread across her face. She pulled me into her arms for a hug. "It is right," she spoke quietly, holding me and I hugged her back. "You deserve happiness where you can find it, and so does he. Don't deny yourselves any of that for any reason. There's nothing wrong with seeking and giving comfort to someone you love."
I squeezed her tightly and felt my eyes well with tears. I was happy and I wasn't going to let myself feel guilty about that. I wasn't going to deny myself, or anyone else, the luxury of comfort, if and when any of us could find it.
"Thanks," I said, pulling out of her embrace to look into her smiling eyes.
She nodded. "Anytime."
We resumed our work on the laundry in silence for a few beats, then Carol spoke again. "So," she paused. "Daryl. Pretty good, huh?"
I almost swallowed my tongue, but when I turned to look her in the eye, she was grinning ear-to-ear. My cheeks burned at her implication and the mischievous smirk on her face.
"Oh, my God…" I whispered, looking around again to make sure no one, especially Daryl, was listening in. I felt my blush spread all the way down to my toes, but then I straightened up and answered her. "Not that I've got any one else to compare him to, but yeah." I fixed my own smirk on my face. "Very."
Carol chuckled and we went back to work. A few minutes later something occurred to me—something that encompassed much of the excitement and confusion that I was feeling as well as explained the guilt.
"He makes me feel like the world hasn't ended, ya know?" I said, hanging a tiny pair of socks to dry. "Like, there might be some light at the end of the tunnel after all."
Carol shifted beside me and I looked back at her softening smile. "The light is those stolen moments—even before the world ended." She tucked a stray hair behind my ear. "When I was your age, I had this sweet boyfriend. Daryl reminds me of him a little," Carol spoke with a faraway look in her eyes. "And all I could think about was the dismissal bell ringing so I could go kiss him till our lips were chapped." She laughed then sighed heavily. "Then he went off to college and I got a job and met Ed…"
I didn't want to talk about Ed, and I could tell she didn't, either. "And Tyreese?" I asked, bringing her back to the present. "Is he your light at the end of the tunnel?"
Carol caught my eyes again and smiled, nodding. "Yes. Thank God, yes."
"Rick, we can't stay here."
I heard Daddy's voice before I saw him. I was coming around the corner to the main area with Judith fussing in my arms.
"We can't leave," Rick insisted. "We've had this conversation, Hershel. Where're we gonna go? With Judith and your leg—where're we gonna go?"
There was a tense silence when I entered the room. I knew they were both thinking that I was a third reason to stay, but they didn't know about the buck knife I had tucked in my boot or that Daryl had been giving me pointers on how to use it. I still wasn't a warrior, but I refused to be a liability to our family.
I dropped my gaze to Judith's delicate, scrunched up features before drawing a deep breath and then looking back up at Rick and Daddy. "Need t'get lunch ready for her," I said, ignoring their stares and shuffling past them to get to the hot plate. I set about boiling water, then measuring the right amount of formula into a bottle for her lunch, all while I held her on my hip.
"Send a group out t'investigate." Daddy had lowered his voice, but I still heard every word—small quarters and all. "Daryl, Tyreese, Michonne—they can find a place and a safe route t'get us all there."
I saw Rick move across the room, farther away from Judith and I, as Daddy trailed behind him. "On the next run, Rick..." Daddy didn't finish his sentence, but he didn't have to; it was obvious what he was implying, and Rick was listening for the first time in a long time.
Rick and Daddy silently wrapped up their conversation and left me alone with Judith to feed. I sat at one of the tables and fed her quietly, thinking about packing up and leaving again. Where would we go? If the walkers were taking down prison fences, what could they do to a single family home? If we weren't safe at the prison, would we be safe anywhere? I couldn't imagine what kind of structure or facility could possibly protect us if the prison couldn't.
And our gardens—what about food? It had taken us months to get the land ready to produce edible crops. We all knew that non-perishable supplies were dwindling dangerously. The survivors of the virus were scattered and every supply run returned less and less food items.
I couldn't figure out what was the best way—stay or go. It wasn't even a question of fight or flight, anymore, because the fact was, the prison, apart from our crops, was becoming less and less something to fight for and less and less likely to protect.
Every second we had together was precious and we had to preserve our time and space as much as possible.
At dinner that night, I decided to sit next to Daryl. I'd never sat next to him at dinner before, but he didn't even flinch and no one seemed to take notice. It felt important, though. It was one of those moments where I weighed the difference in how he made me feel—hopeful and happy—versus how our daily lives would grind along.
We sat side by side and I remembered what he'd told me—to never forget the world we lived in, and I didn't forget. But my choice to sit next to him at dinner was me staking my claim, and it felt just as important as the decision to send a group exploring for our next home base. Daryl and my choice to be together, Glenn and Maggie's recent engagement—they were signs that we would not be worn down, that life would go on and we would live and thrive. I was doing what I'd set out to do.
I reached for Daryl under the table and put a hand on his leg, showing him that I was there, that I was making the choice to be with him. He kept at his dinner, but he shifted his gaze to mine and gave me that small, barely-there smile that lived mostly in his eyes yet changed his whole face. I grinned right back and shifted closer to him.
After a few blissful moments, Ricks voice broke the silence. "Daryl's headed out after dinner," he said.
I closed my eyes, trying to slow my racing heart at the news that Rick had agreed with Daddy so quickly, and that Daryl was leaving that very night. I could feel Daryl's gaze pinning me in place, as his fingers brushed mine under the table.
"He'll take Glenn and Michonne," Rick continued. "They'll scout out a new place for us."
When I opened my eyes, I saw Daddy nodding in my periphery and Maggie hanging her head. Ever since Woodbury, I knew she didn't like be separated from Glenn. The division made sense, but I couldn't help realizing that both Maggie and I were being separated from our men.
"After dinner?" I muttered quietly, dragging my gaze back to Daryl, and he nodded in response.
"Can help me pack," he said with a quirk of his lips. I let out a short huff of laughter because Daryl had like two shirts to "pack."
After dinner, Carol waved me away when I tried to help clean up. "Go," she said, nodding her head to where Daryl stood talking quietly with Rick, Glenn, and Michonne by the door.
I thanked her before making my way to where Daryl had one eye on me and one on Rick. Their conversation quieted as I drew near. "Hey," I said, reaching for Daryl's hand and feeling his fingers twist with mine. "Gonna be much longer?" I asked, darting my eyes from his to briefly meet Rick's.
"Nah, baby," Daryl answered, bringing my attention back to him. Maybe I should have been surprised by the term of endearment, but I wasn't in the least; it felt right, and I was warmed by the subtle acceptance from Rick and Glenn and Michonne. "G'on upstairs. Be right there."
I barely had a minute to grow idle before Daryl was climbing the stairs to his sleeping area. "Hey," he said, not hesitating to fill the space in front and around me, then taking the shirt I was folding from my hands and tossing it to his mattress on the floor. His hands wrapped around my waist and he pulled me close, his lips on my neck, making me shiver and gasp.
I never really had time to think when I was that close to him, but I didn't need or care to, either.
"Got your knife?" he asked, his voice barely more than a murmur against my skin as his lips and teeth ghosted along the shell of my ear. His fingers slid up under the back of my sweater and his thumbs brushed down over my hipbones just under the waistband of my pants.
I nodded and reached up to drape my arms around his neck. "In my boot," I answered, letting my head fall back and loving his mouth working over my throat.
"Hmm, sexy." His lips were on mine, then, and I laughed into his mouth a little. "And smart, baby." He pulled back to look me in the eye. "'Member what I showed ya." He nodded, encouraging me to do the same and I did. "Stay close t'Maggie and your Daddy." I kept nodding, never breaking our gaze. "Listen t'Rick."
He dipped his head and covered my mouth with his again, slowly pushing his tongue between my lips and teeth and sliding it against my own. I wanted him so much right then—especially knowing what I knew about how he felt and what he did to me. I wanted to just pull him down to the ground and cover us both and never come up for air. But he had a job to do.
"I'll be back, baby," he whispered, his hands breaking free from my hips and waist and traveling everywhere at once, leaving me tingling and gasping for air. "Nothin's gonna keep me from comin' back, ya hear me?"
Then he looked me dead in the eye again, and what I saw sank deep into my heart and soul. Mere weeks before, I'd accused him of being thoughtless and choosing his brother over us. Things were different now, Merle wasn't around anymore, but also, Daryl had laid claim to me just as I had to him. I was his—his family, his mate, his comfort and joy. I could see it in his eyes and feel it in the way he touched me; he would never leave me again.
Thank you Leiah, Rhanon Brodie, and MsKathy for all that you do for me. I love you girls.
