A Normal Day, Or Kimimaro and Tayuya Sitting In A Tree

Chapter 9

By A Clockwork Pumelo

Yep, I checked everywhere, but the only place I won any Naruto characters is in my dreams, and those don't count.

This chapter (long overdue, I know... *Ducks flying objects*) gets a bit dark in a LOT of places, so if you don't like blood, guts and gore (mostly squirrel, some human), don't read it. There's also not a lot of action (of the bow-chicka-wow-wow kind), but it's setting up for more of that in the next chapter, whenever I get that done. Tell me if it's getting better or worse, or if I should go eat a squirrel. Reviews keep me writing, so gimme some of those!

The last thing Kimimaro felt before drifting into a deep, dream-infested sleep was Tayuya, body pressed lightly along his back, arm draped over his shoulders. As he relinquished the physical pain of his wounds, the dream-dancers welled up within his consciousness again, gyrating and leaping about him in the dark with mocking glee. Their hands pushed at him, darting to pinch and prod at his naked, tender flesh as he dodged and dipped, deploying sharp bones to counter some of the more unavoidable strikes.

"What the hell? Why are you doing this to me?" They cackled, pulling at his hair with sharp little teeth, furry bodies slipping from his clutches like greased lightning… "What the…? Teeth? Fur?" He was bowled over, dozens of tiny bodies cascading like a compound being down his shoulders, under his arms, between his legs and around his feet! He reacted to the threat without thought, his ribs spurting out in the multitude of sharp spikes of his Karamatsu no Mai, impaling the tiny menaces and making them scream… wait, there was someone else screaming… S***… Wake up…!

His eyes popped open, pupils round and huge with adrenaline as blood splattered and cloth ripped around them in the tent. The furry things were real, as were their screams and those of Tayuya beside him, as he turned in panic to see her, one eye open, the other closed under a cascade of blood that ran down her nose and chin. He hastily withdrew his bones on that side, praying he had not injured her, not hearing her cry out in pain over the renewed frenzy of squirrels that had closed in upon him and were tearing at the remnants of his bandages in savage, squirrelly berzerkery. Air! They needed to get out of the tent, and now! Raising the arm that had been protecting his face, he felt many pairs of tiny jaws clamp painfully into his earlobe and cheek, his face, all the way down his neck… onto the tip of his nose! With a yell of pain, he split and fanned out his finger bones, ripping clean through the material of the tent and spilling both of them out into the air on a wave of enraged rodents. Taking a necessary risk, he opened one eye long enough to see where Tayuya was before sending himself rolling along the ground and up into the fastest, most brutal Karamatsu no Mai he had ever danced, yelling in pain as little chunks of his own flesh were ripped away in the still-iron jaws of squirrels as they flung away, impaled on his spikes. He spun for what seemed like forever, deflecting the demonic creatures away from the unconscious body of his teammate, his love.

"Tayuya, wake up! WAKE UP DAMNIT YOU DUMB COOZE WAKE UP!" He bellowed, wrenching the squirrel from his earlobe like a hated earring, throwing it gracelessly against a tree as the horde, sensing the tides had turned, gave up and beat a hasty, if temporary retreat into the bushes. Kimimaro staggered, slipping on a puddle of squirrel guts, and dropped heavily to his knees beside her, splashing her with more unidentified bloody goop. "Tayuya, Tay-Tay-chan! Oh… s***… S***!" It was not his blood he was kneeling in, but hers, spilling from a deep puncture under her outstretched arm. Oh… F***… major artery… crap, I must have stabbed her, oh, crap, crap, CRAP! Bandages…! "Tayuya! Hang on! NO, she can't be dead, can't be!" Ripping the last bits of his own bandages off his receding rib bones, he tied a makeshift tourniquet around her shoulder with shaking hands, twisting it with one of his bones, tight enough to bite deep into her blood-speckled, tanned flesh. Stuffing down the panic that threatened to rise up and break him, he rolled her over, sucking in a horrified breath when he saw the row of deep, irregular punctures down her ribs. Oh… gods… that was me. That was ME! I have to get out of here, get to safety, something, just get away… get her safe…oh gods, don't panic-that makes you useless-so much blood… have to get her a plasma pill, something…

"F***! Plasma pills! F***!" The Kaguya ripped through the remains of the tent, frantic until he found their small first aid kit, and popped two of the tiny pills into Tayuya's mouth, slapping her gently on the cheek to wake her up long enough to swallow them. "Don't worry, we're going back to the hideout, Tay-Tay-chan. Don't move, I'll carry you." Tucking the first-aid kit into some of the bandages around his waist, he hoisted the redhead's body to one shoulder and extruded his clavicle outwards and backwards in a spiral cage to secure and support her weight. Too light… so much blood loss can't be good, even with the plasma pills… gotta hurry before it's too late. He launched himself into the trees, partially blinded by his own blood but still determined, a man on a mission.


"Sakon… where are we? This forest looks strange…" Ukon poked his brother in the back, making him look up.

"Who cares? Honestly, bro, we're just on stakeout duty, so who gives a squirrel's a**?" A rustling in the bushes answered, along with his brother's panicky voice.

"Them…" Ukon had always been the smarter brother, even if he was the subordinate. That would explain why he had already separated from his brother and was thirty feet away and accelerating when his brother replied.

"Who? What? Hey, where'd…?" The rest was drowned out by half a dozen squirrels pouncing upon him, hell-bent on avenging his careless insult. "Hey! What the F*** did you do? Get back here and get these damn things off of meeee! Owwwieeee my nipples! D:" (AN: Just had to add that little reference… inside joke!)


Miles away, Kimimaro's foot landed on a decaying branch, which snapped and sent both him and his precious cargo plummeting toward a high-speed rendezvous with the forest floor. I tried… but I failed. I'm sorry, Tayuya-chan… Only thing, it wasn't the forest floor they hit, but a mushy, slimy peat bog that cushioned their fall and sucked at Kimimaro's feet as he struggled to drag them both out of the swamp. Oh, man Tayuya… I hope you can forgive me, if we get home… no, when we get home. Yes, when we get home, because we will… Shaking the mud off his feet, Kimimaro stumbled, only managing to catch himself and his redheaded burden at he last moment.

"F***, Tayuya, I don't think… I can go on like this. Just let me rest for a bit, Tayuya… Tayuya-chan." Fighting the fatigue that weighed his arms like lead, he retrieved the first aid kit from his bandages, popping the last food pill into his mouth and biting down hard before gathering Tayuya's limp body into his lap. He assured himself that she was alive, resting his head in the curve of her chest, her steady, faint heartbeat mixed with the crackle of blood dried into the cloth of her shirt. He would rest here, gather his strength now that he knew where he was, for just a second, a minute. He didn't realize his eyelids had fallen shut until a weak hand twitched at the back of his head, pulling his hair.

"Wake up, baka. They're here again. Just wake up!" The harsh voice woke him up, and the scrabble of furry little claws sent him into instant panic mode.


"Dude, Kabuto… what's that? Is that a flying mummy?" The Snake Sannin giggled, tongue hanging out of one side of his mouth, a fat cigar of some questionable plant material hanging out the other. Said medical ninja paused in the act of working the lighter to look up, eyes red and crossed.

"Holy s***, Orochimaru-sama, I do believe you're right. That is a flying mummy." As said flying mummy got closer, both of the Sound-Village stoners realized exactly who it was, covered in blood and mostly not-covered in bandages. They also realized whom he was carrying, and deduced that him carrying her meant that something very, very bad had happened. Tayuya never took s*** from anyone, and being carried was, in her book, definitely grade AA s***.


Neither of them knew exactly how they got back to the hideout, but by the time they arrived, both of them were exhausted to the point of being barely conscious and more than willing to be dragged into Kabuto's lair and tranquilized. When Kimimaro came to briefly as Kabuto stuck another IV in him, all he said was "Tayuya… did you close the door? Squirrels…"

"Yes, Tayuya is alive, though just. I'm not going to ask what you did to her, but damn dude, control yourself." Kabuto tried to put on his best professional demeanor, but he couldn't help giggling. Wow, they must have been up to some kinky S***… BDSM or something, haha… I wonder what they were doing with those squirrels, probably don't wanna know…

"Kabuto, please tell me I am not the only one seeing this. Come over here. Now." The medic ninja rushed over to where Orochimaru was peering in horrified fascination out the window as thousands upon thousands of squirrels battered themselves against the stone walls of the hideout.

"Oh yup Orochimaru-sama, that's totally normal. Nothing weird about them. It's a seasonal thi-" He didn't get to finish that sentence, as a long, amazingly strong tongue wrapped itself around his throat, lifting him clean off the ground and reeling him in, inches away from a pair of wide, bloodshot eyes.

"Are you F***ing with me, Kabuto?" The medic ninja gulped and with some difficulty replied.

"No, Orochimaru-sama. Those squirrels are very real. I was just trying to lighten up the mood, seeing as I am also freaking out. Ever watched 'The Birds'? That's what I'm thinking about right now." The tongue released him, allowing the silver-haired ninja back down on his feet as his master turned around, gazing in bleak, secretly petrified fascination.

"Good, because if you were f***ing with me I would have thrown you out the damn window. And yes, I watched 'The Birds' too. Kabuto, get me my brown pants. That is an order."