Chapter 9

Sirius spent the next few hours in the hospital wing with Remus. After Madam Pomfrey cleaned him up, they sat together on the bed in the little curtained-off room that Remus had been using when he stayed in the wing before. A house-elf had brought them dinner a few hours early, and as they ate, they sat and talked.

"I wish you didn't feel the need to, you know." Sirius started. He was so bad at wording things. He just wanted to express to Remus how horrible it felt to stand there and watch him hurt in such a way. Sirius couldn't understand what was going on inside Remus, but he still saw all of the external signs of the internal pain. The scars. The cuts. The blood. The tears. The silence. The screaming. He was watching Remus self-destruct, and it was tearing him apart.

"I'm sorry you keep having to see me." Remus said plainly. He acted so... professional about everything. Looking at Remus now, it was almost hard for Sirius to see the weeping, broken boy from before. But he knew that Remus was doing that on purpose. Because that's who Remus was. He didn't want anyone to worry about him. He didn't want to be a burden. But Sirius would gladly let Remus burden him, if that meant that Remus wouldn't take it out on himself.

"Look," Sirius said. "Why don't you just... You can come to me. When you feel like... I can sit with you. Until...Until the urge passes."

Remus hated how Sirius couldn't actually say it. He couldn't say, "When you feel like cutting yourself". Remus almost felt as though Sirius was ashamed of it. Ashamed of him. But he was glad for the offer. That didn't mean that he would take Sirius up on it, though. Remus didn't want to stop. So he just muttered a quick thank you and took an unnaturally large bite out of his sandwich so he wouldn't have to say anything more.

He wasn't going to get let off the hook that easy, though. "So... Anything bothering you, then?" Sirius asked. This was new for him. He wasn't the one people went to cry to. He wasn't the one who comforted people when they were in need. Typically, that was Remus. But it had become evident that Remus could not turn to himself for comfort. Who else did he have to turn to? Sirius would have to lend his shoulder.

"It's- it's nothing. Not really a big deal. I was just...I was upset and I felt a little ill. It was stupid."

"Is it because of the full moon tomorrow?"

"Er- yeah," Remus said. That was partly true. For one thing, it hurt. He always felt horrible for the few days before and after. And the actual transformation was unbelievably painful. It also was a reminder of how unnatural he was. He was a monster. He could almost- almost, but not quite- forget that for the rest of the month. But when he was suffering all of the symptoms of lycanthropy, it was impossible to pretend he was normal.

When Sirius muttered condolences, however, about how it would be fine and it wasn't Remus' fault, this did nothing to help Remus

Because Remus was starting to feel like a monster the rest of his time anyways. Lily had told him he was normal. That he was born that way. But he was having a very hard time believing it. What if she was wrong? What if she was lying? It also didn't help that he was constantly surrounded by the one person he would always want but could never have: Sirius. It was harder than he had ever thought it would be to keep his heart undercover. When he had been first discovering his feelings for other boys, he had told himself that he could easily keep it secret. After all, he liked girls too. He thought he could just ignore any same-sex attraction. But this was more than that. This was love. He knew that it was. He loved Sirius. And how could love be wrong?

But they had told him so many times that it was. They had forced it into his mind. And so he believed them. It felt as though he had spent his whole life running from his feelings, running from himself. He had grown up, like many children, with parents who said they loved him and knew the best for him. So Remus had always taken their word as fact, without question. He drank his milk and ate his broccoli because they said it was good for him. He never had too many sweets because they said they were bad for him. He went to school and got good grades because they told him that was the only way he would ever make something of himself. He went to church and believed in God because they told him that he was real, and that he was the creator and savior of the world. But then they had told him that their all-powerful, all-loving God would not love him if he liked boys. They had told him it was an abomination.

Then his parents had gone on to say that Remus himself wasn't an abomination. It was only his actions that God had a problem with. Only they weren't just actions, they were his feelings. So he tried to hide them. To fight them. He thought maybe that if he could repress them for long enough that they would just go away. But Remus soon found that he couldn't separate his feelings from himself. He was bisexual.

Sometimes, Remus could almost believe that was just who he was. That there was nothing he, or anyone, could do about it.

But that was like trying to make him believe that broccoli was bad for him and sweets were good for him. It seemed crazy. Wrong.

And so he went through his life believing he was an abomination. Remus felt sometimes that he was using his blade to cut out the parts of him that didn't match up with who he was supposed to be. But it never actually worked. Because at the end of the day, no matter how many cuts he had made, no matted who he had convinced otherwise, he was who he was. And there was nothing he could do about that.

But he kept trying.

"James, Peter, and I will be there with you the whole time." Sirius reassured him. Every full moon, the three boys snuck out with Remus in their animagus forms. This had helped Remus to retain more of himself throughout his transformation. It made him less violent, and less likely to hurt anybody, including himself. "Madam Pomfrey says you should just stay here for the night, 'cause you'll have to come in tomorrow anyways. Everyone's going to Hogsmeade tomorrow, but I can stay with you if you want."

This meant more to Remus than Sirius could have known. He knew that Sirius had been looking forward to this Hogsmeade trip for a long time. The fact that he was willing to give it up, just to stay with him, made Remus felt cared for. It made him feel like he was actually important. It let him know that somebody would have actually minded his absence.
"You don't have to do that," Remus said, out of obligation. He really hoped that Sirius would stay, but he didn't want to ruin his friend's day.

Sirius, however, would have much rather spent the day alone with Remus in the hospital than tagging along behind James, Lily, Peter, and his girlfriend, Hope. He would have chosen Remus over anything.

Then, before Sirius could respond, Madam Pomfrey pulled back the curtain separating Remus and Sirius from what felt like the rest of the world.

"Your group therapy's tonight. Dumbledore says he still wants you to attend. Better get up to his office."

"But it should be dark soon! I should be getting out of the castle soon before the transformation!" Remus immediately argued.

"The headmaster seems to think that you'll have plenty of time. The meeting is only an hour long."

She left again.

When Remus gave an exasperated sigh, Sirius offered to come with him. Remus refused. He had no idea what to expect, but he didn't know if Sirius would be welcome. He also wasn't sure if Sirius would somehow end up with more information than Remus wanted him to know.

"Let me at least walk you there."

Lily knew three things. She knew that Remus and Sirius were both gay, and that Remus was in love with Sirius. She also knew that Sirius was much more likely to make the first move than Remus was. This meant that if her plan of getting them together was to work, she had to see if Sirius liked Remus too. She had been able to tell that Remus liked Sirius on her own, but Sirius was much harder to read. He was always very guarded when it came to his feelings, and he was always careful to put on a mask of indifference and nonchalance. He was also a total flirt, and always surrounded by girls. Had James not told her that Sirius was, in fact, gay, Lily never would have been able to guess. So the first step in her plan was figuring out if Sirius loved, or at least liked Remus too.

The next step was building up their confidence. Remus was, as everybody already knew, very shy and insecure in himself. Sirius was seemingly confident, but apparently he wasn't being entirely himself. She somehow needed to make them both see that it was okay to be exactly who they were. She had to make them believe that they deserved to be happy and loved. Lily appreciated that this would probably be the most difficult part of her plan; she knew how hard it was to learn to love and accept yourself.

Next, Lily would need to get one of the two boys to come out fully. To everybody. That way, the other might feel less afraid and alone. Lily wasn't sure who it would be easier to convince. Sirius, of course, seemed like the obvious choice. But at the same time, Sirius had more of a reputation to protect. He was a ladies man. Remus, however, had only ever had one girlfriend. Lily had a feeling that if Sirius came out, everyone would think he was just experimenting. Remus would probably get taken more seriously.

If Remus came out, Lily would probably be able to get Sirius to admit his feelings. This step would probably be difficult too. Sirius had never admitted real feelings to anyone. Lily, looking back on it, wouldn't be surprised if Sirius had never liked anybody else, besides Remus, if he even did like Remus. James and Sirius were best friends. But she had always known that Remus and Sirius had some sort of special bond. Even if they didn't like each other in that way, their friendship was too strong to ever be broken. As best friends, or as a couple, Sirius and Remus were great together.

"Are you going to tell me what's going on?" James spoke before Lily had even noticed that he had joined her in the common room. She quickly covered up the parchment she had been writing her plans all over, but not before he could see the two names scrawled on the top of the parchment.

"Remus and Sirius…" James began. Two seconds later, she saw the realization hit him. "Lily, no!" He said suddenly. "You don't- You can't get involved!"

"I'm not going to get involved. I'm just going to… Give them a little push."
"Wait," he said. "Does Remus like Sirius?

"Does Sirius like Remus?" She asked, ignoring his question.

A slow smile slowly crept onto his face. As much as James pretended otherwise, he loved meddling just as much as Lily did.