Weeks passed and Carlos hadn't said a word to me. I lived for the few seconds I'd see of him each day, the flash of a smile as he opened the door before it disappeared when he realized it was me, the glimpse I got of his back as he retreated to his room whenever I was over to see Kendall. The avoidance wasn't angry. He wasn't rude. There was no hint of malice in his eyes. Mostly, it was sad, this avoidance, but it was more than that. It was a coping mechanism. He knew he loved me too much to do this. He knew I loved him. He was waiting. Patience.
He didn't try to hide it. Everyone noticed but no one said anything. Logan and James exchanged an awkward look over their coffee one morning when I walked into the kitchen and Carlos, a laugh dying in his throat as he spotted me, abruptly got up and left.
Kendall chocked it up to Carlos' break up with Adrienne. He'd broken up with her the morning after our first kiss, the morning he'd ignored me, the morning he'd pushed me over the edge. Kendall didn't realize it was me Carlos was avoiding. It's just…if Carlos and I were together for too long…we'd end up hurting Kendall. We both knew it. Carlos made it very clear that he could never do to Kendall what I had done to him. He couldn't hurt his best friend like I'd hurt mine. As much as it stung being reminded of my mistake, it was necessary. I needed to know how much I'd fucked up. It was going to make my relationship with Carlos that much more worth it. Because I didn't deserve Carlos. At all. But he still loved me.
This avoidance was his way of showing me that he trusted me, that he was waiting for me. And, in a strange way, it made my heart happy. Waiting. For me….to break Kendall's heart. And that's where this whole thing came crashing down. This is where I fell apart. This is where I was a coward. I didn't want to hurt him. I'd spent minutes, hours, days trying to think of ways to minimize his pain. He was love drunk and I was trying to sort out a remedy for the hangover that was about to hit. I finally came to the realization that this train of hurt was coming and I had to pick a stop.
When I entered Kendall's room, he was at his keyboard, his guitar propped up on his thigh. His hair was slightly disheveled and there was a pencil behind one ear. He bit his lip as he played a melody on the keyboard, grabbed the pencil from behind his ear and scratched feverishly at the already heavily edited sheet music. A bittersweet smile pulled across my lips. I really did love him. Just not the way he needed me to. He glanced up and spotted me in the doorway. I tried to give him a smile, but it wasn't very convincing. Kendall came over and wrapped me in his arms, holding me longer than usual, placing a kiss to my forehead. I led him to the bed and sat cross-legged at its foot. I stared at my hands, hoping maybe they'd tell him for me, so I wouldn't have to look into his eyes. He didn't say a word, just stared at me, and when I my eyes met his, I could tell he was already broken.
"Kendall, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, but I can't do this anymore. You're the perfect boyfriend and everything you do makes me want to love you so bad." The tears had started. "I can't tell you how bad I wish this could work. And the thought that I'm hurting you at all kills me, Kendall, you have to believe me. God, I wish I knew how to love you." I pressed my hands to my mouth to stop the rambling. I had so much I wanted to say. I wanted him to understand that if things could be any other way and be right I'd choose him. I wanted to say all those things that never end up comforting the person hearing them but only the person saying them.
Kendall's shoulders were sagging, his hand hung limply at his sides. His eyes were dull, dead things, with not even a fraction of the brilliance they'd once owned. His face slumped. I'd never seen him look so small. And I wanted to take him in my arms and kiss his pain away. But, no, I was done making up for hurt with my body.
"I knew this was coming," he said. His voice was even, no hint of anger, just a tinge of sadness. "I've known it for awhile. I know you're in love with him." My face broke open in surprise. He shook his head, defeated. "I'm not stupid, Lacey. I can see the way you are around him, like if you get to close you'll lose yourself. I was just….trying to see how long I could keep you. Know that you're in love with someone else, don't you think that killed me? I've been cherishing every kiss, every touch. Because what if it was the last one? But which each passing minute, day, week, I thought to myself maybe I was winning, maybe you'd stay." I was crying harder now. "But you never could, could you? It was never me." For the hundred millionth time since I realized I was in love with Carlos, I wished I could be in love with Kendall instead.
He leaned in close to me, touching his forehead to mine, his eyes shining with tears and pleading with me silently. He squeezed them shut and the tears were like mirrors into our memories.
"Please." The desperation in his voice pierced my heart and I nodded. Slowly, he sealed out lips together one last time. All of his hurt and pain and hoping and wishing and loving coursed through his lips and the taste of our tears mingled together tasted like poison on my tongue. As we parted, he pursed his lips, pulling the bottom one inward as if savoring the taste of my mouth for the last time. And I had honestly never seen anything so tragic.
"Can you go?" he choked. "Please."
I got up and rushed from the room. I couldn't stand to see him like that. Making my way to the bathroom, I took deep breaths and washed my face. I stared at myself in the mirror, taking breaths in through my nose and out through my mouth until I thought I was okay. I ventured downstairs and into the living room. Carlos looked up from the book he was reading. He stood quickly, closing it, and made to leave. I caught his wrist, pulling him back to me. Thrusting my head into the crook of his neck, I inhaled deeply. I felt home. He stood stiffly but didn't try to pull away.
"It's over," I whispered, kissing his neck softly. He pulled back.
"Really?" He wasn't smiling.
"Yes, Los. Really." I leaned in to kiss him, and he pulled back and out of my grasp.
"Jesus fucking Christ, Lacey, how can you be so blind?"
"W-what?" I was frozen.
"How can you think we can just fucking do this? Just drop Kendall and pick me up? No. I waited for you, Lacey. But, God, let me tell you, it fucking hurt. Waiting. With every passing day, I wondered, 'Is this the day?'. But it never was. It's really great to see that you care about me so much. It took forever, Lacey. Why? Every day that you waited to end it, you killed another piece of Kendall and you lost another piece of me. I love you, Lacey, but I just can't do this right now. I miss you as a friend. I miss everything about you."
And with that, he walked out on me. Again.
