Chapter 9
Kakashi Still Can't Catch A Break
The Kyuubi was an ageless beast, considered eternal and near omnipotent in power. While he had that annoying achilles heel in the sharingan, that was being neutralized since he had caught that fake madara in a genjutsu to convince him to kill the entire uchiha clan when he was freed from his seal.
Kyuubi's revenge against Konoha resulted in a few key pieces of knowledge:
1- Near omnipotent doesn't come close to omnipotent.
2- The knowledge of that seal did not die with the majority of the Uzumaki clan.
3- The Kyuubi shouldn't completely ignore humans.
Had he simply listened to the 4th Hokage and left, he would still be free and the idiotic child he was sealed in would not be dying.
Fortunately the fourth Hokage was much nicer than the Kyuubi, and gave him enough freedom to prevent its demise at the hands of the seal. If it helped Naruto live to old age, it would be released without any harm done, and given that the kyuubi was ageless that was a horribly short amount of time.
The punishment was basically a slap on the wrist for a being like him.
'If my host wasn't a moron!' the Kyuubi raged. His host, living alone at the age of 11 because he repeatedly pranked the rest of his orphanage until he was kicked out, had started sleepwalking.
Normally that wouldn't be a problem, but when a sleeping person attempts to make ramen and lights their entire building on fire then passes out of smoke inhalation it tends to be a bit more problematic.
With great effort and willpower drawn from the need to survive, the Kyuubi forced his power through the seal and temporarily possessed the child's body. Coating 'his' skin in a thin cloak of chakra that began healing the horrific burns that covered the child's body, the Kyuubi was able to force his way out of the burning building just as it collapsed.
Landing on the ground from the fourth floor broke both of Naruto's legs, but the flowing demonic chakra healed them within seconds. Noticing the huge crowd of ninja and civilians surrounding him, the Kyuubi realized that he would need to explain what happened.
Even as he composed his thoughts he could feel the seal attempting to tug his consciousness back into it.
"This totally isn't what it looks like. This idiotic child tried to make ramen in his sleep and would have died had I not intervened." the Kyuubi started. However as he spoke he began to feel self-conscious. Who was he talking to humans like they owned him?
"You should all be grateful to me, the glorious and mighty Kyuubi!" That should set them straight the Kyuubi thought, until he noticed that not everyone looked grateful to him. (His ego was too large to put it honestly. No one looked grateful.)
"In fact: I demand a national holiday to celebrate me! Also put my container in a better house! One that befits me!"
"Well, this sucks!" Naruto whined, sitting in an empty jail cell.
"You're in luck then. The Hokage has finished meeting with Ibiki and I and you're free to go." Anko said as she opened the jail cell. Naruto hadn't done anything wrong, but the situation had needed to be investigated.
"Sweet freedom!" Naruto yelled.
"Unfortunately, no. The Hokage has decided that despite you not being at fault for anything to do with the Kyuubi, you are at fault for burning that building down. While you won't be charged with anything for the people that died, you WILL be spending the next few months helping build houses for the other victims." Anko said. Naruto looked absolutely crestfallen.
"Not to mention that you also burned YOUR house down. Considering that and the fact that you know about the Kyuubi, the Hokage's decided to force you to live with me and my roommate, Kurenai and be trained to be a ninja." Anko finished, looking bummed out that she'd need to deal with this brat for extended periods of time.
Hinata was worried sick about Naruto. His house had burned down, and while the Hokage was trying to keep it hush-hush Hinata had heard that he had been injured.
So you could imagine the relief she felt when Naruto walked through the door. She felt her shoulders relax and her gut unclench. It was glorious.
Unfortunately Hinata had eaten mexican last night for her sister's birthday, and her gut unclenching made it easy for her to forget to hold in her gas.
She ripped a loud, wet sounding fart.
The kind that would make any sane person check themselves to see if they had collateral damage.
The entire class went silent as everyone stared at the girl who'd never spoken more than two sentences in a day. She could care less about them though, and only saw Naruto's disgusted face.
Hinata did the only thing she could.
She pulled a kunai from her bookbag, slapped an explosive tag she carried "just-in-case" on the handle and ran towards the window.
"You'll love me in the next life Naruto!" she yelled as she leapt through it. She spun in mid-air as she primed the kunai and shoved it into her heart. As her vision faded to black she saw Naruto's face frozen in shock as the class ran to the window.
A melancholy smile flashed across her face, and then the tag ignited.
"God damnit not again!" Iruka shouted.
"Man. That was crazy! What the fuck?" Kiba said as he handed Naruto half the sub sandwich they had just made. Kiba's kitchen was a neat place, unlike the rest of their house and compound in general. Hana was the only one in the house who regularly used the kitchen, and as a vet she was a clean person.
Naruto was on good terms with the Inuzuka clan. They found most of his pranks funny, and he didn't prank them because they could find him and beat the crap out of him very easily.
"I know. Seriously. I never knew she'd do something crazy like that just because she liked me." Naruto said, earning an incredulous look from Kiba.
"You knew she liked you? Why didn't you ever say anything?" Kiba asked, honestly curious. Hinata was pretty cute.
"Dude… She was batshit insane. The first time she embarrassed herself she just offed herself. She even stalked me! I hoped that if I played dumb to her and went after someone who was the exact opposite of her she'd get the hint and leave me alone." Naruto responded.
"So you don't like Sakura?" Kiba asked. Wow, he never knew Naruto had such good insight.
"I don't dislike her. If she wanted to go out with me I would, but I'm not in love with her or anything. She's got plenty of problems of her own. It would never work." Naruto said.
"Hah! I got it working! Brat, you can hear me right?!"
"Uh man, I've got to go. I've got a serious dump to unload!" Naruto shouted as he got up and ran off. Kiba wrinkled his nose. How could Naruto be so smart, yet so stupid at the same time?
Naruto sat in the empty room waiting for his Sensei. He was wearing a simple short-sleeved black t-shirt that showed his toned body with a pair of dark green cargo pants.
The orange jumpsuit had been ditched the day of the final test. Flashy clothes were fine when you were off duty, but Naruto wanted to show he'd take being a ninja seriously.
He'd go buy some less ratty orange cloths for off-duty later.
However, his sensei was being an asshole. Who keeps their team waiting this long.
"Let's prank this fucker!" the Kyuubi said. Apparently ageless malicious demons had similar thought processes to him, which Naruto considered a little disconcerting.
Sasuke and Sakura watching in silent approval as Naruto set a bucket above the door and started making some weird seals on it before filling it with an unknown, viscous substance.
If their sensei fell for it, it served him right.
A hour later and the door opened. The partially stripped teammates turned away from their poker game to see the bucket land perfectly on the jonin, covering him with the fluid. Suddenly he burst into flames and began screaming.
As their potentially dead sensei rolled side-to-side on the ground, setting the ground on fire rather than putting himself out, Naruto's horrified teammates turned to the hysterically laughing Naruto.
"Naruto… isn't that a little overboard?" Sakura asked. Naruto turned to her and pulled the strap on her bra, which he was wearing over his shirt as 'spoils of war' back and snapped it for emphasis.
"He did make us wait so long we started playing strip-poker." Naruto said.
"Burn… Burn!" Sasuke cheered. Sakura decided that resistance was futile and joined in.
The next day the strangest report found it's way to the hokage's desk, detailing how team 7 was found dancing around their burning sensei and classroom cheering and singing, two of them mostly naked and Naruto wearing most of their cloths on top of his own.
Anko was dispatched. It would either end with the destruction of the village, or the best team ever.
Danzo worried that the two might not be mutually exclusive.
"I'm no expert, but what if Itachi was a double agent for the village and killed the Uchiha to prevent a coup? I'm just asking questions." Naruto said, finished with a placating hand gesture towards Sasuke.
"Naruto, he was insane. A complete psycho. The only reason I'm alive is that he got distracted and wandered off halfway through beating me to death." Sasuke responded with a glare. Naruto didn't know he reminded himself, even if he was annoying.
"Enough talk. We have our mission. Protect this old drunk on his way to wave." Anko announced.
The drunk and the genin eyed each other speculatively and with quite a bit of disappointment in all of their eyes, but after that introduction Tazuna didn't really have a place to insult them and the genin felt Anko had said everything that needed to be said.
A few hours later the group were on the road. Sakura was talking to Tazuna and keeping out of her more combat-oriented teammates way. Naruto was lost in his own world, probably talking to the kyuubi again. Sasuke was the only vigilant one, watching for potential traps.
Their sensei was eating Dango, as was the norm.
Sasuke spotted a puddle in the middle of the road and called a halt. There was no reason for a puddle to be there, so it was worth check out.
As Naruto neared it two Shinobi was headbands depicting hidden mist nuke-nin leapt out and threw a barrage of Kunai at Tazuna. Seeing all of them lazily intercepted by the Jonin that they now recognized as Anko the pair grabbed all their money, tossed it at her and ran away.
"Neat. Free dango."
Naruto and his team stared at the imposing form of Zabuza, standing atop his sword.
"Give me the old man and I'll let you all live." Zabuza stated. He didn't want to piss off leaf, but if he needed too he would.
"LOOK AT ME WHEN I CHARGE AT YOU!" the manic voice rang from the woods when a figure exploded from the undergrowth charging straight at Zabuza.
No shirt. No pants. A dirty, bloodsoaked condom on his dick and a mask that was probably white at some point on his face, Itachi Uchiha was every bit the psycho he was described as.
Dual axes at the ready he ran at Zabuza who was suddenly holding his sword and frantically fighting for his life.
"YOU'RE GONNA BE MY NEW MEAT BICYCLE screamed itachi as he landed a spin-kick on Zabuza's face sending him spiraling into the ground.
"For the love of god! Help me!: Zabuza screamed and spurred the rest of the group into action. They would be lucky to take Itachi down as a joined force, let alone if they fought him one at a time.
Sasuke got over his shock and blasted a fireball, keeping Itachi off of Zabuza. Anko began summoning snakes by the barrel-load. Sakura hid with Tazuna and prepared to heal any survivors. Haku threw precision senbon strikes and was forced into the open when Itachi through an axe at her.
He pulled another from a summoning seal carved into his hands before screaming "I'M GOING TO MAKE HAMMOCKS FROM YOUR EYELIDS!"
Naruto decided to get some extra help.
'Kyuubi. I need you chakra so I don't get mutilated and probably raped.' Naruto panicked mentally.
'It's always about your needs. What about mine?'
'What do you want?' Naruto asked, exasperated and terrified.
'Nothing. I'm in a cage that reeks of semen.' was the unhelpful response.
'That's your fault!' Naruto responded vehemently, grossed out.
'I don't like the lip. No deal.' The Kyuubi responded.
'Would you do it for a Kyuubi snack?' Naruto offered. He had a box of the souls of human children sealed into a state of torment just for occasions like this.
'You think I can be bought with such petty mortal offerings!? You offend me! I should rend you limb-'
'What about TWO Kyuubi snacks?'
'Deal.'
Naruto's body exploded with crimson energy and he joined the fight.
A whirlwind of demonic red death lasers, ice, fireballs and all manner of other miscellaneous attempts to kill Itachi seemed to continuously. Come up short. He moved through every attack with a grace that didn't seem possible on someone ranting about 'Finger Pizza'.
Finally with a roar of "YOUR DIRTY SAUSAGE DOG WON'T TOUCH ME!" Itachi exploded into a flurry of attacks that caught everyone off guard. Everyone was left bruised, cut and panting on the ground. Relishing the looks of horror he began stalking towards them.
"FLAVOR ME FANCY, BUT YOU REALLY PUT THE PANTS IN PANTING!" Itachi shouted, before crumpling to the ground like a puppet with it's strings cut.
Behind him Sakura stood, holding a blood-splattered Banana.
"MY ONLY WEAKNESS! PHALLIC POTASSIUM!" Itachi cried from the ground before collapsing in the growing puddle of blood.
"We did it!" Haku cheered before being stabbed by Naruto as Anko slit Zabuza's throat.
"Plus we've got no loose ends! Woohoo!"
"So did you hear that Gato had Tazuna publicly executed after we left?" Sakura asked.
"Yeah, but we got paid so who cares?" Naruto responded.
"He probably should have hired us to kill him too." Sasuke added.
"Oh well. All's well that ends well!" Anko added. Then the Dango was delivered and they began to eat.
The only thing better than the sweet taste of victory, was victory dango.
My muse was all over the place on this one. It started with the idea of Naruto offering the Kyuubi Kyuubi Snacks and then I needed to come up with another 2.4k words. Some of the piece are ideas I had simmering for a while (Hinata, Punishing Kakashi for his carelessness yet again) and some were completely sporadic. (Psycho Itachi)
I think my favorite part of one-shots is that I can have realistic consequences and not need to write out all of the boring things that happen after.
Wave is crushed, They practically threw away an alliance with mist, Kakashi is dead and Naruto is yet again rewarded for killing Konoha shinobi.
I don't need to write about when Naruto is actually convicted of treason for stabbing Konohamaru or Konoha is destroyed because Naruto's team made too many enemies and killed all of the good leaf shinobi.
Reviews are like Finger Pizza. Let me have some.
-Kishinokurobi
