I looked up and couldn't help but smile when I saw Derek. Even in a yellow gown, hair net, and mask, he still managed to play the part of McDreamy so well. But after my initial happiness upon seeing him, I frowned when I saw the grave look in his eye. "Derek?" I asked slowly. "What's wrong?"
He took a deep breath before answering. "Look...I-I'm sorry, Meredith, but I can't be with you. I know I gave you a transplant, but there's this other girl. She writes fics and she's just amazing. You understand, right?"
It stung a little. But that look on his face...that hopeful face...I couldn't get in the way of that.
"Of course I understand, Derek," I said as I tried to smile as best as I could. "You go get her, Derek."
A/N - JUST KIDDING! LOL, that was for MeredithGreyPotter1. Hahaha...now onto the real chapter.
Chapter 9
This heart, it beats, beats for only you
(It beats, beats for only you. My heart is yours)
"So do you want me to talk to you during this whole procedure, or are you one of those guys that would just rather clutch the pillows and not talk while I extract several pints of some weird red fluid from your butt bone?" Dr. Hahn asked, her voice slightly muffled through her mask.
I chuckled nervously. "I don't mind if we talk."
"Good," she said, "because quite frankly, I find all this Seattle Grace drama incredibly fascinating. I mean, you just don't get this kind of soap opera action at Mercy West."
"You can do without it, I'm sure," I murmured.
"Yes, but it's boring," she emphasized. "I've never seen two people attached to each other by a pole, or a paramedic holding a bomb steady in some guy's chest."
"It's boring but safe," I said as I recalled the horrible, ulcer inducing memories of Meredith tending to the large gash on her forehead from the explosion. "You were never scared out of your mind that someone very close to you might get blown up because she was trying to do the heroic thing and save the entire hospital."
"I can't imagine what you were going through," she said softly.
"No, you can't," I conceded. "When Cristina Yang walked back into the OR and told me that Meredith was holding the bomb, I felt…I just felt as if everything I had ever known, everything I had ever wanted or worked for in my life didn't matter. It would never matter ever again if she didn't make it out of there. If she--if she died, I wasn't sure I would know how to keep living."
After a contemplative pause, Dr. Hahn muttered, "That's damn near poetic, Dr. Shepherd."
"That's why she has to survive this," I swallowed. "Because if she doesn't, I won't either."
"On that note," she began, and I instantly knew where she was headed, "are you ever planning on telling her that you were the one that saved her life?"
"It might not even work, Dr. Hahn. Her body might not accept my marrow."
"Well, see that's the thing," she said as I felt the needle being pulled out of my skin, "I've come to realize over the years that marrow donated by loved ones, even if it's not a perfect match, tends to be accepted more readily than anonymous donations. Personally, I think it's a psychological thing. Like you're more willing to fight for your life when someone is on your side."
A pensive silence descended over us as I thought on her words.
"You know, from what I've heard of the hospital gossip and all, everything always seems to happen to Meredith Grey," Dr. Hahn observed. "She's always the center of Seattle Grace drama."
I laughed humorlessly. "You know, I've noticed that too. If I didn't love her so much, I think I might've already given up."
"Seriously?" Cristina asked.
"So what do I do?" I asked desperately. "Do I just let him go on thinking that I don't know, or do I tell him about it?"
She shrugged. "Beats me. Stuff like this never happens, this is not in my book."
I sighed. "So he loves me."
For the first time in a long time, I saw her smile. "He loves you."
"Wow."
"Yeah."
We stayed like that for a few moments in complete silence, letting the enormity of the truth (the fact that he loved me) wash over us. After the prolonged quiet, Cristina looked at me and said, "You know--for what it's worth--he's a good guy. He's a good guy that loves you. Not many of those come along everyday."
I nodded. "You're right."
"So just give him a chance."
"I was planning on it."
Just then, Cristina's pager went off. She flipped it over to check who it was and smiled at me sadly. "Bailey. I have to go."
I nodded, a little jealous that she was continuing her internship and growing as a surgeon while I was stuck in bed, debating on whether or not to tell the man I loved that I knew he was the donor.
"Oh, by the way," she added as she got up from the chair she was sitting in, "Burke asked me to marry him."
My eyes widened. "Seriously?"
"Yeah. And I said yes." Even though she was wearing a mask over the bottom half of her face, I could tell that she was smiling widely, incredibly pleased and happy for herself.
"Oh, Cristina!" I sighed. "That's wonderful! I'm so happy for you!"
"Which is another reason you have to get better," she said, "because I want you as my maid of honor at the wedding and if you're not there then it just wouldn't be the same."
I grinned. "I'm on it."
"Good." And without another word, she walked out of the quarantined area, pulling the mask off he face as she went.
"Dr. Shepherd?"
I turned around slowly, trying not to upset my already sore body. Maybe I should have accepted the wheelchair one of the nurses offered. When I had fully turned, I saw George and Izzie standing there, watching me in pity and uncertainty. "Dr. Shepherd, do you need any help?" Izzie asked as she slowly approached.
I was about to say no, but the rational side of my brain smacked me in the face. Instead, I nodded tiredly and watched as George ran off somewhere and Izzie walked over to me to put my arm around her shoulders. George returned a few moments later with a wheelchair and the two of them helped me into it.
"According to Dr. Hahn, you're under strict orders to go home and wait until you get your strength back before coming back to work," Izzie said as she rolled me to the elevator.
"Yeah," I said quietly. "I know. I was there."
When the three of us were in the elevator, George pressed the button for the ground floor and watched in silence as the doors sliced through our view of the OR as they closed. The quiet continued on for a few more moments until Izzie said very quietly, "We really appreciate what you did for her. For Meredith. I--I can't tell you, how much…" words were difficult for her at that point, as her voice started to waver. "It's just--it's just that Meredith--and you…"
I couldn't see either of them, since I was staring straight at those stainless steel doors, but I nodded my acknowledgement. "I understand," I said in a voice that wasn't very steady either. "I had to do it."
The elevator doors opened and George took hold of my chair and wheeled me out of the automatic doors of Seattle Grace and into the parking lot, where my car was parked. I couldn't properly manage the pedals of a car and George's shift was ending in a half hour anyway, he took my keys and drove me home after the two of them helped me into the car.
The first half of the ride was silent. Then, George said in a very low voice, "Dr. Shepherd? I'm--I'm sorry about the other day. When I pinned you against a wall. That was uncalled for and I shouldn't have done it."
I sighed. "No, I deserved that. I deserved to get pinned up against a wall."
"It's just that--it's just that she needs you. She needs you more than she's willing to admit."
"I know."
"So what are you going to do?"
I sighed. "Honestly, O'Malley, I don't know at this point. Right now, I'm just praying that she survives this."
I saw him bite his lip in the corner of my eye. "She'll survive this," he said confidently, though a bit hesitantly. "She'll survive this. She's a fighter."
"I hope so," I whispered. "God I hope so."
"Are you ready, Meredith?" Dr. Hahn asked through her face mask.
I nodded. Truth was, I was a little more nervous than I liked to admit and there was some strange sort of electricity spreading through my body. Like the cancer knew that something major was happening, like it knew that a major battle was about to be waged for my life and for better or for worse, everything was going to change.
"We're here for you, Meredith," Izzie said. I glanced up at my friends, all standing there and waiting with me, waiting for the bone marrow to be infused in my body.
"Thank you," I whispered. For hopefully the very last time, Dr. Hahn inserted the IV into my arm and began the infusion.
It was such a strange experience, having Derek's bone marrow inside my body. It was almost like a sexual experience, only--only more profound. I felt more connected with him than I ever thought possible as a sense of calm washed over me. It was in that instant that I knew that everything was going to be okay. Derek had given me this chance, this opportunity to survive, to beat out the cancer, and I didn't want to waste it. It made me want to live.
I wanted to live to finish my residency and become the best surgeon I could. I wanted to live so I could show my mother that I could meet the standards that she set, and even surpass them.
I wanted to live for Izzie and George and Alex.
I wanted to live for Cristina and her wedding. I wanted to lead the way down the aisle, and watch her get married to the love of her life.
I wanted to live for Derek, to tell him that I loved him and that he was the only one for me.
My life wasn't over yet, and I refused to let this be the end of me. I had to fight this because there was still so much left that had to be said.
A/N - I know this took me a while, but so much has been going on for the past two weeks. I'm graduating on Sunday! (If you guys read my blog, then you already know that.) But there was a lot of stuff that needed to be done before Sunday took place, so all my stories had to take a backseat for a while. But now all my final projects have been turned in and I am done with finals! So my writing time from now on will be pretty much unlimited.
A lot's going on in this chapter. And I just want to let you guys know--I was close to tears when I was writing the second half. It might be a little rushed, but I don't care. I don't care because I think this is really good and I'm very proud of it. I hope you guys like it too.
I'd just like to say, this story has honestly surpassed all my expectations for it, and for that I love each and every one of you. Keep it up!
