Call me dramatic, but this had to happen. Enjoy!

Part 9: Torn: Justifications

You don't know what it feels like.

The dark lightning is…It's something more interesting than I've ever encountered in my life. I hate it.

I hate that darkness. The energy left behind from when I was a subject in the Dark Warrior Project still comes back to haunt me today.

Yet I can't stop myself from wanting to be something…something different...something more. I don't want to be the ordinary KG and Freedom League commander that I've been all my life. I want the power granted by the darkness. If I had power, then I could be…I could do anything, accomplish any feat.

You probably don't understand, so let's put it this way. I hate it. I hate Dark Eco infusions.

But I love the power. The sensation it causes when the Eco enters your bloodstream is…indescribable. It feels like it has a mind of its own, rushing throughout your body through the millions of blood vessels. Of course, the pain is something else entirely. On the downside, the Eco swells the vessels to the breaking point and beyond.

After one of my most intense infusions during the DWP, the doctors found that one of my arteries had internally ruptured because of the Eco overload. I recall his exact words:

"It happens very often, in stage ten or eleven of the project. The subjects just can't take it anymore, or someone overdoses on the Eco. A major artery bursts, and bam, they're gone. Absolutely nothing we can do. You are extremely lucky to be alive, young man."

Well, I can't help not feeling lucky now. Think about it: I'm strapped to in infusion table in unholy pain, while a half-Metal Head is listening in on my thoughts. That's not very lucky, is it?

Anyway, after the initial agony reduces, a certain feeling is left behind, mingled with the pain is…a certain feeling. I just can't put a name to it. It makes you feel…like you're on top of the world, you can do anything, and the world is at your command: All you have to do is grab the reins, and you're off.

You're off on a tour of destruction and anger before you implode because of your own repellent self and what you've become.

I know because I've felt it…at least part of it. I was about to self-destruct when someone intervened…someone very special to me. In that moment, she pretty much saved my life.

I miss you, Ashelin. I…I'm sorry I lied to you. The real reason I was in the desert wasn't Jak. Yes, I wanted him back, but the real reason I dared to sneak out at midnight, after we had the most phenomenal time of our lives(A/N: Hint, hint...), was that I felt the tug of dark power once more.

That moment…You have no idea how much it hurt me, the idea of sneaking out, maybe to never see you again. Well, now's a perfect time for an I told you so. Let's catch up later, Ashelin. I have a lot to tell you when…and if…I'll ever see you again. Just, please know that I love you.

Love is an odd feeling. You know when it's happening, and nothing ever seems to stop it, not even darkness. Dark power can't stop love. In the DWP, I still felt affection for Ashelin, even when she was the perpetrator of my hated Eco infusions. I guess that pushes Dark Eco down to the second-most powerful substance in the universe, then…

I know anything's possible with Dark Eco. In my mind, it actually is the most powerful: It's the most powerful controllable substance in the world. I know dark powers can be manipulated to do anything you want, if you tweak and stretch them enough.

So, I'm sorry, Ashelin, Tess, Jak, and everyone else in the Underground or Freedom League. I'm sorry if you see my arguments as…as greed, or lust, or simply power-hungriness, but you need to see the point of this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to see me pour my heart out.

I...I need to make you see my arguments, to see the truth in my deciscion.

Once more, I'm sorry.

This is why I've decided to side with Payne.