Jim's ragged breathing broke the silence and his eyes bored into the body bags before him. The three young security officers had suffered agonizing deaths under his command and he couldn't shake the feeling that it was all his fault. He had spent the entire night reconsidering his command decisions as guilt and self-doubt kept him awake. He had followed protocol, heeding the advice of Spock, McCoy and even the security team. He listened to everyone at the expense of heeding his own instincts - and his crew had paid the price.
And for what? Did he have to prove that he could follow the rules? The passage through the Re'an's animals had practically screamed at him to take it, and he ignored it. Now he was sure it would have saved the lives of his crew members, making it worth the risk to his own safety. It wasn't that long ago that he would have jumped at the chance to risk his life for his crew. Was he losing his grip on his captaincy? Why was he suddenly unable to balance instincts with the advice of his senior team?
He clenched his fists, finding it increasingly difficult to keep them at his sides. He needed a target for the frustration building within him and his fists were eager to lash out for him.
"Jim." Bones laid a hand on his shoulder, a hand that was a blade, slicing deeply and offering no reassurance. For the first time in weeks Bones was initiating physical touch beyond medical necessity but it felt too icy to be of any comfort. "It wasn't your fault."
"I never said it was." The monotone voice wasn't his, nor was the doubt. He honestly didn't know who was here standing and talking to Bones. He didn't have to tell Bones how he felt. Bones just knew. Despite their recent falling out, he knew.
"You don't have to say anything. I can tell you are thinking it." Bones dropped his arm. The pressure left, allowing Jim to distance himself more. A few more inches and it felt like a million miles. "Jim, they died from fatal injuries. There was nothing you could have done to save them."
Jim nodded his head once, shrugging off the doctor's information. He had read Bones' report multiple times, the last time right before he entered this small room in sickbay. Vaguely, he realized now that his decision to come to this room delayed Spock's request to speak with them yet again.
"Maybe you should take the rest of the day off, Jim. You've barely slept since the attack."
"Two died when we were there. This makes five. Five. And those who were injured...that makes ten."
Aleyah received treatment for second-degree burns on her left arm and wrist as well as those on her right leg. She recovered, but one of the security officers still remained in sickbay for the burns he suffered. His away team had protected the Re'an at great cost to themselves. Several Re'an suffered from minor smoke inhalation, but only one was injured beyond that. Star Fleet command had postponed their next mission so the Enterprise could remain nearby and ensure the Re'an recovered.
"It's not. Your. Fault."
"Do you really believe that? I'm the captain. If something goes wrong, it is my responsibility. Mine and mine alone."
"You did everything by the book, Jim. You can't beat yourself up like this."
"I didn't do everything, Bones." Jim's mind raced considering all the possible courses of action he could have taken.
"What did you say?"
"I knew there was another way."
Bones scowled. "That doesn't make it altogether wrong for how you did act. You made the best choice you could."
"I knew there was another way, Bones," he repeated. Jim's skin prickled, remembering the scorching heat in the building and scrambling through smoke-filled overgrowth to rescue the children. While he remembered everything in vivid detail it still puzzled him. He was missing a piece of that puzzle. "Somehow, I know I could've prevent this. Every injury. Every death."
"Jim, there's no way you can know that. You're exhausted and not thinking clearly. As your friend, I am telling you that you need to rest. As your physician, I'm adding that if you don't sleep on your own, I am going to have to confine you to sickbay until you rest.."
"Sleep? In sickbay? Bones, I'm fine." His own well-being mocked him. When all this was finally over, he wouldn't even have a scar to remind him it happened. But Aleyah would. Remorse ate at him as thought back to the scene on the planet.
Thick smoke still blanketed the garden as McCoy moved among the wounded, tending them as best as he could with the limited supplies he had available. Aleyah whimpered despite the sedation and Jim swallowed back on nausea as he stared at the ugly burns on her leg. He clutched the useless communicator, tempted to hurl it in frustration. Medical help lay on the other side of that device, but help that was unreachable due to malfunctioning Re'an shields. He could command a starship but fail to quickly fix the tampering the rebels had done. His crew's scars would be his fault, not caused by the delay in reaching medical care. Why did he include Aleyah on the team in the first place? Sure, he had reasons enough but deep down, it had to be his fault. She would be safe on the ship if he hadn't needed a buffer between himself and Bones.
Startling himself back to the present he scoffed, "In fact...did you take a look at me? Not a scratch. Not a single damn scratch."
"I refuse to apologize for being glad that you weren't hurt. Jim, think of all that didn't happen. You saved the prince's children."
"But it shouldn't have happened like this."
"You need to move past that thought."
"It's just so easy for you, isn't it, Bones? Everything." Jim said, wanting his sarcasm to sting but finding his droning voice simply echoing his thoughts. "You're sure of yourself. You don't second guess your every action because you need to prove yourself like I do. You can just forget and move forward. You have it all - even a young daughter who attracts beautiful women for her father."
"Just stop it, Jim," Bones scowled at the mention of his daughter, his chilling voice filling the room. "I thought you were concerned about your crew's safety. Is this really about you and wanting some fling, then? If that's the case, maybe you should think twice about why you're here."
Jim stepped back as the words hit their mark, stinging smartly. "Bones...this is about my crew."
Of course he cared for his crew. He had already died once to save them. How could Bones say such a thing to him? He was thinking out loud, trying to sort things out. He had lost crew members before and it always hurt, but why did this mission bother him so much more? Where had he gone wrong and why couldn't he move past the guilty feelings? For that matter, when had things gone wrong with Bones? Why was he messing everything up all the time? Jim acknowledged that at this particular point in time he wasn't eloquent of speech but Bones was not helping at all. Instead of attempting to patch up their misunderstanding, Bones had matched his sarcasm and everything threatened to escalate. Jim stared at him, confused. It was so unlike Bones that he opened his mouth to ask him what was wrong when Bones cut in.
Bones snorted as he let all the frustrations of recent weeks show through. "You could've fooled me. You're the one who insists he has it all under control when all you've done is shoved your feelings into a closet and slammed the door. You first need to admit to yourself that you have needs and feelings. If you do, you might find it easier to be nicer to all your friends and I wouldn't stoop to distracting Carol just to get your attention!"
"Are you and...?" Jim's breath left him, unable to correctly process what Bones just told him. "You've really ...asked her out?"
Was this what this was about? Jim was attracted to her, even more so after their earlier missions on Re'an V., but he wasn't ready for any kind of serious relationship.
He'd never be ready. The thought was preposterous despite his longings. Bones knew that although Jim looked, he didn't feel up to being the flirt he used to be - and hadn't in a long time. He hadn't even flirted with Aleyah. What Bones said had no truth in it - at all. Even if Jim had been interested in the first place, he would step aside for the sake of their friendship. As much as it pained him to consider that he had perhaps finally found a woman worthy of a lasting relationship, he would do that for his friend.
"No," Bones groaned. "That's not what I meant. I don't even like her in that way. I don't want to date her."
Jim shook his head, confused. "Wait...you don't even...what the hell, Bones. Are you trying to make me upset? Then why...?"
"It's not about what you think it's about, dammit!" Bones scowled, inching himself closer to Jim. Standing taller than his captain. Bones could pack a punch, a branding, powerful hurtful punch. Not wanting to be on the receiving end of one, Jim flinched and took two steps backwards.
"Then what is it about, Dr. McCoy?" He felt like a first year cadet again, not like the captain of the Federation's flagship. He felt isolated, afraid, and defensive. These feelings did not sit well with him, so he found himself resorting to cockiness to hide his insecurities. "I don't have all day. I have family members of the deceased to contact."
"You're not you, Jim," Bones swallowed. "You're losing yourself."
"Excuse me?"
"You're losing yourself and I don't know how to get you back!"
"Losing myself?" Jim asked in disbelief. "I have a ship with over four hundred crewmembers depending on my every move. I don't have the luxury to think about losing myself, Bones."
"But you need to."
"I thought this wasn't supposed to be about me?"
"Dammit, Jim. It is about you but it's also about the people you care about. Do you think that I want to be fighting with you?"
"Yes!" He glared at Bones, mentally slamming a fist into the wall. "I do! It's all you do now when we try to talk."
"Jesus, Jim. I'm not trying to make you upset!"
"You won't come near me unless it's necessary. If you do touch me, it's by accident and then you recoil. You've handed my care over to Nurse Chapel so that you don't even have a medical reason to touch me. You avoid me as much as a CMO can avoid a captain. You won't talk to me except as a doctor, either. For the first time in forever, you talk to me as a friend and it's to accuse me of being a...an insensitive jerk? A bad captain? To interrogate me about my feelings and how I'm coping?" He paused to catch his breath, scaring himself with his outburst. He caved, not having any fight left inside of him. His next sentence emerged as a pitiful whimper. "What the hell are you trying to do to me, Bones, if you're not trying to make me upset?"
"What am I trying to do? I'm trying...never mind. You're not going to get it, Jim. You never will! I can never tell you because you won't listen to me when I try to explain."
"I don't listen? I'm listening now."
"You're losing yourself, Jim. Your fire and passion for the chair, your impulsive decision making, the things that set you apart and make you Jim Kirk. The fact that you're upset enough to tell me about the mission proves it."
"I don't understand. I can't lose myself when it's part of the job to be who I am and guide this ship. I'm doing my best to keep the chair this time."
"I wish you would understand, Jim. This is what you do. You fight me."
"But I'm not," Jim pleaded. "I am trying my best, Bones."
"I see. And when I point out to you that you can no longer hide behind that face of yours or behind your act, that at some point your past is going to catch up with you-"
"Stop," Jim tried to take a mental step backward and speak to his friend calmly. "That has nothing to do with my ability to captain this ship."
"It doesn't? Then why did you ask Dr. Jahnas to accompany the away team?" Bones' face hardened.
"You have no reason to question my authority like that, doctor."
"Answer the question, Jim." Bones gritted. "Your reaction tells me that I sure as hell do."
"Fine." His anger surging, Jim fought to keep his temper under control. "I requested her presence on the away team so that she could observe their ceremony. Her insights would contribute greatly to her research database and furthermore in this way she could obtain the information I need from the Re'ans."
"Really. Those are the reasons?" Bone's jaw twitched and his eyes probed deeper than Jim liked. "You didn't ask for her to join the away team because she reminds you of Gaila and how Gaila supported you during your rough nights with nightmares at the Academy?"
"Don't you dare bring Gaila into this. She's dead. Dead, Bones. For three years now." To his dismay, his voice cracked with emotion as he remembered the vibrancy of a girl he had, indeed, cared for, despite appearances. "She has nothing to do with this."
"I'm waiting for your answer, Jim. She reminds you and-"
"That's not why!" Jim interjected, his heart thudding in his ears as he answered Bones honestly. What he had done didn't dishonor Gaila's memory as Bones implied. "I requested her presence also because...I knew...I knew you'd think that way...I knew it would upset you and distract you...from me."
Bones paled. "Shit, Jim."
"I know," he said in a small voice.
"You used her...just like..."
Just like Gaila.
"Enough, Bones. You want to get technical?" Jim mocked, retaliating. "Tell me. Whose fault is it really that I was so ill following that inoculation? It felt like I ate leather, Bones. Goddamn leather. You know I know how that feels like. Fucking Tarsus."
"I'm so sorry. I am, Jimmy," Bones' voice dimmed to practically nothing as he wilted before Jim's eyes - but Jim wasn't done.
"You didn't act sorry at all," Jim snarled, completely stricken again as the pain of what Bones did to him slugged him in the stomach. He couldn't even recall receiving a firm, honest 'I'm sorry' from the doctor. "And at first I thought maybe it was mostly my fault but it wasn't. It was -"
"I know whose fault it was, dammit, Jim! It was my fault, alright? All mine. I messed up. I was going to comm Spock so that he could witness my apology but then we received the distress call. I am more upset at myself than you'll ever realize, Jim, knowing what I put you through that day. Because of what you've been struggling with already. It...it didn't set you up well at all for any type of decision making. And neither did the pain medication that..I..." Bones sighed and looked at Jim, emotion brimming in his eyes and spilling over for Jim to see. "I set you up, Jim. For failure. Unintentionally, but I did it just the same. I think it influenced your decisions during the rescue. If there's anyone to blame, it's me."
"That's nice to know." Jim's sarcasm poured from his mouth and onto the doctor like hot wax. McCoy's anguished, humble response both egged him on and provoked the tears stinging his eyes, the ones he couldn't allow the doctor to witness. "Maybe now you'll get a clue to leave my past alone, doctor."
"Maybe it is about time I do just that. If you can't acknowledge that it affects you while we're on this mission, then Captain, I can't help you anymore."
"What do you mean?" Jim's heart skipped a beat.
"You let past events define you today. You won't pursue a serious relationship because of things that happened to you. You acknowledge that your father inspires you but deny that you're running away from your past as much as you try to live up to his legacy. Your past affects everything you do, from running this ship to the way you talk with your friends. You clearly have relapsed and are recycling your old coping mechanisms. Dr. Jahnas proves it. Your behavior has deteriorated and your thinking and reasoning have diminished because you're running. You're running on fumes, Jim!"
"Fumes? That's not what's happening."
It wasn't. He had it all under control like he always did. Didn't he?
"Yes, fumes, Jim. You're barely hanging on. As your closest friend and your physician, it is crystal clear to me." Bones glared at him. "When was the last time you had a full nights rest without the help of a sedative?"
"I..." Jim took a hasty breath, not sure why that even mattered. "I'm not sure. Maybe...maybe..."
"You don't know, do you? When did you last eat three square meals on a single day, even with my assistance? When is the last time you woke up and thought of anything other than that blasted governor and the brutal times you fought trying to keep you and your band of kids alive? When did you last have a day without a single headache or an episode of spacing out? Or did you really think you could hide them from me?"
"I'm coping," Jim argued, tension creeping into his muscles. "It's not running on fumes. I'm fine."
"You're wrong, Jim. You're running because you're scared and someday soon, you're going to crash into a wall."
"My past is my business," Jim snapped when Bones skimmed upon a bit of the truth. "Not yours. Leave it alone, Bones."
"It is my business because I've seen you blank out, not only one time on that damn planet but also here right in sickbay a few days ago. You're lucky that I - and not Spock - was standing next to you on Re'an V."
"So I blanked out for a minute. No big deal." Jim argued. "You're making this a larger problem than it is, just as you inflate everything."
"Tell me exactly what am I exaggerating? Every damn bit is true. I know you, Jim, and I see just a shadow of yourself. I watch you struggling every day simply to maintain your cover. I see the Jim Kirk I once knew shriveling away daily because of what you so eloquently call your past. Everyone has a past, Jim, and you have to recognize that yours effects you to this day. You've always tried to pretend that things never happened and you can just forget about them, but unfortunately your control is unraveling, Jim. The time has come you have to deal with these emotions once and for all. It's time to deal with your stepfather, Frank. With Kodos..."
Jim flinched. "Stop, Bones. Just stop." His voice rasped with anger, enraged that those names had been uttered. "I'm fine."
"Say the governor's name, Jim, if you are just fine."
"Stay out of it," Jim's heart raced. "I'm fine."
"You can't say his name, can you?" Bones' eyes didn't reflect the compassion Jim was accustomed to- they were filled with frustration and anger. Bones gruffed at him all the time, but he was never really angry. Confused and worried, Jim tried to avoid the verbal onslaught as the doctor mocked him again. "Can you?"
"Why the hell would I even want to?" Jim argued, desperate to hide the truth. Heart pounding, he attempted to deflect by saying the first thing coming to his mind and as tauntingly as he could. "And what's up with your attitude lately? Why are you so bent on taking things out on me? Did Jocelyn's claws scrape you up a bit recently?"
"Wha...what?" Bones blinked at him but his hesitation gave him away.
Jim's mind raced as he realized with a hint of satisfaction that his best friend hadn't been exactly open with him, either.
"So, she has." Jim narrowed his eyes.
"That's not up for discussion," Bones growled.
"Not up for discussion," Jim chuckled ruefully, running a hand through his hair in frustration. "Not up for discussion. Right. Well, neither is my past."
"It's not the same thing, Jim."
"The hell it isn't. When have you never broken out the booze so you can deal with her? And that's a good coping mechanism?"
"Say his name, Jim," McCoy snapped, returning the spotlight to Jim.
"Stop," Jim's eyes pricked again. He swallowed as his fear rose that his best friend had lost his own control. What was happening to them? "Leave me alone, Bones!"
"Fine. Have it your way. You're going to crash into a wall and I won't be there to help you."
"Is that what you've been trying to tell me all this time?" Jim's thoughts tumbled, sending him reeling. Bones would leave him? Their friendship? "You're telling me that...that..."
"You won't let me help you, dammit! So why should I even try?"
"Bones," Jim's voice cracked in desperation. "You can't mean...that..that our friendship has reached its end? Is that what this is? Bones? Do you want it to?"
"I'm telling you to get the hell out of my sickbay before I lose my ever lovin' mind trying to get you to see straight!" McCoy's thunderous voice was as threatening as anything Jim had ever heard. It cracked his soul, it choked the breath from him, it did everything possible to hurt him as it went straight for his most vulnerable place.
His heart shattered as it hit the floor.
They stared at each other for a moment, the silence widening the chasm between them. Bones' chest heaved and his eyes widened in shock. He appeared to be just as stunned. Painful, betraying tears threatened to spill from Jim's eyes. He swallowed, wanting nothing but his friend back. But what he saw and what he heard told him it wasn't possible.
"I see," Jim spoke, his voice thick with emotion. "If that's the case, for the time being it is my desire that Dr. M'Benga see to all of my medical needs. I understand now that our relationship will affect your ability to work and as captain I must amend the situation. You are no longer my attending physician."
"Jim, no." McCoy's face paled.
He didn't understand it. Any of it. Bones never yelled at him before about his past. They had always worked through it. Even this time, Jim had been sure he could work through it, but alone. Especially now that he knew Bones couldn't...couldn't deal with him. It was better this way - better for Bones. He turned on his heel. He grabbed the wall after one step, unable to match his breaths with his erratic, racing beats of his fractured, irreparable heart.
"I didn't mean-"
"You didn't mean any of this?" Jim took a deep breath and tossed the words over his shoulder. One foot in front of the other, he willed himself to move. "It's a little too late for that, now, isn't it?"
"Jim, wait..."
Jim paused, barely turning his head to reply as the doors slid open. He'd thrown hurtful words behind him but a lonely future loomed ahead. Jim wanted no part of it but he had no choice. He couldn't comprehend losing Bones and he couldn't imagine any way to fix this. The only way he could even attempt to survive losing Bones was to put up as thick of a wall as he could on his own selfish terms.
"Dr. McCoy, you will address me with such familiarity no longer, but as Captain."
