Author's Notes: Sorry this one took forever to get out—now that finals are over, I have a full-time job ^^;; that takes up a lot of my time. Anyway, this is the last chapter of what I'm going to call the first half of the story. Don't worry, I do intend to finish—I've gotten some emails from worried people. It just might take me a little while though! As always, please please review, as it's very appreciated ^_^. Oh, before I forget: There is some mentioned yaoi in here, so be warned!

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy IX, but I still love my black mages!

How Fair This Place

By Bmv no Miko

Chapter Nine: Carried By Heartache and Wings

44 frowned, staring past the ball of dough that hovered, baking, between his hands. Thought I'd be hungry for cakes after all that…but…He hadn't really been in the mood for vanilla cakes since 144 had died, and he'd only been able to sit and watch. Still, it would be a waste to do nothing with the stuff after he'd mixed it all up. Maybe someone else will want it. He gave a brief backward glance over his shoulder. Shorah and One sat together at the table, both quietly reading books they'd borrowed from 163. It was almost time for bed, and the owls were calling in the cool night air. The fire crackled, but although the place looked wonderfully cozy in the orange light, the atmosphere was tense. The silence was beginning to wear on him. No one's talking since we've come back…but we're okay…I guess… He suddenly noticed that he'd baked a rather lumpy little cake. Disheartened, he set it aside for the chickens and brought up another ball of dough. We didn't hurt people directly…but we still helped them to be hurt…I shouldn't have gone. At least everything looks okay… He had been surprised upon his return about just how little mending the village needed. Shorah and One did okay without us… Though the greeting was a little disappointing. He'd hoped that everyone would be…oh…a little more overjoyed to see them. At least then they could have begun again on a happy note. But it was fast apparent that 111 and 33 had their own troubles to deal with. 288 had counted to make sure everyone was present, and looked as though he might weep the whole time. And Shorah had simply stared at him, speechless, and hadn't said much of anything for the last several days. He sighed and let the ball drop into his hand, half cooked.

"Time for bed, 44?" Shorah asked softly, closing her book. He nodded and leaned against the rough counter.

"Yes, I suppose so. I just don't have it tonight, I guess," he said, trying to sound cheerful. Someone has to do something…since we're all going to die soon and these are our only memories, I don't want to spend all of my time dreading the future…

"You can have your bed back, you know."

"Don't want it. You and One sleep there." She gave him a look that was dark and sympathetic by turns, but headed for the bedroom. The truth was that he hadn't slept well for the whole trip and his luck didn't seem to be changing now that it was over. Thought it would be better when I was home, but… The day they had returned Shorah and One had both worked hard with him, helping him cook—he had been so antsy, and it was the only thing he could think of to calm himself. They went to the back to take a nap, and he'd left them until dinner. Went he went to wake them, he'd had trouble doing so. One, who always radiated so much power, looked like a child curled in his mother's arms, and both of their faces were so peaceful that there was a funny feeling in his chest. He'd wanted to touch them, to feel like they did, to be a part of that moment…but he wasn't sure if he'd ever be part of anything like that. He didn't know precisely what it was, but it made him feel sad that he didn't have it, and it needed to be preserved. So he let them have the bed.

With a grunt he plunked down into the tattered green armchair beside the window. He'd mended it where it had busted, but it was still a little lumpy. After shifting for a moment he got halfway comfortable. He could just see into the back window of the item shop, where 163 was slowly rearranging his books, an air of sadness and defeat about his movements. 44 looked away and closed his eyes. We're going about it the wrong way… He tried to think of something, anything, that could make things okay again, but he had a feeling that this disappointment was indeed the last straw for most of the village.

His thoughts drifted, and he slept fitfully. Even the gentle tolling of the grandfather clock at the synth shop woke him, and he after a while he felt vaguely sick to his stomach. He sat up and rubbed his eyes wearily.

"Trouble sleeping?" Shorah asked softly from her spot by the fire. He blinked, a little surprised.

"What are you doing?" he asked groggily.

"Can't sleep either."

"Oh…is One okay?"

"Yes, he's fast asleep, bless his heart." She nudged a few sticks into the fire, even though it didn't really need it. The wood popped and whined, but save for that it was quiet. He stared at her back, the way the fire shone on her hair and made it golden orange, then wondered why he was staring and looked away with shame. This is no time to be jealous of…of… He flexed his hands. He couldn't quite think of what he wanted, but felt distinctly lonely and bogged down by the sadness. "Hey 44? Look at this." Curious, he watched as she took off the Torre and placed it in the flowerpot beside the fire. He had tried to grow a few wildflowers in it, but hadn't much luck.

Suddenly, flowers began shooting from the dry soil—daisies and thistle and violets. Honeysuckle vines wreathed around the pot and climbed the fireplace before she took the relic back. He sat bolt upright, stunned. There was a strange feeling in the room, though he wasn't sure if she were aware of it. It was oppressive, as though it had emptied something to create the life for the plants. She gave him a rueful glance, and examined the Torre in her outstretched palm.

"I think I'm starting to understand this thing more and more. One doesn't like it, but somehow it makes things grow. I've been experimenting with it…a-and…I mean, I don't know any magic like you, but I think it might be teaching me things. I think I'm learning how to control it some."

"Shorah…I don't know if…" She sighed and leaned her head against her knees.

"I know. That's what everyone seems to think. But I think…well…it makes plants grow, right? Maybe it could_"

"Shorah." He massaged his temples, feeling an oncoming headache. "We just finished running after a miracle. We have to face reality at some point, right? I…I don't know much, I realize that. It just seems like it might be best for us to accept that we're going to die soon and move on." She stared at him, and he clenched his teeth as tears filled her eyes before she looked away and drew the relic close. Maybe that wasn't the best thing to say…

"Fine for you to say, but this thing sure wants me to go somewhere very badly. It can do important things, I just know it…I just know…" she murmured. He sighed. I can't see what's so great about that thing…it gives me the creeps, really…

"Um, maybe if it's bothering you so much, you should just throw it away." She shook her head.

"I know there's something important for me to find. Maybe it'll take me home. After all, it hasn't always pulled like this." He swallowed, stung. I thought this was your home…but I guess you don't want to stay here with everything like this, huh? "I think…I think I'm going to follow it soon," she said weakly. "I can't stay here like this much longer."

"You know…you really aren't a burden at all…" he ventured. She smiled sadly.

"Yeah, maybe not…but whether you believe in it or not, I think I might learn something that can help you and it may take me to where I'm from at the same time. It's not like I won't ever come back. If I'm allowed," she amended quickly. He clenched at the arms of the chair.

"But Shorah…we might not be around then. What about One, who loves you so much?" She looked reflectively into the fire as she clasped the artifact back around her neck. He waited for an answer, and after a while realized that he probably wasn't going to get one. I'm just being selfish. She's wanted to leave for some time and I haven't let her. But I thought certain that she really wanted to stay and wasn't saying so…maybe I was wrong. With a grunt, she pushed herself up and stood, stretching. Then her hands wandered down and settled on her belly, softly caressing.

"I wonder how I look now? There's no mirrors here…I think I've got a few months left, but I feel like a big round berry," she mused. He sighed.

"Well, I don't know how big a human girl is supposed to get, so I can't tell you anything." She smiled and he wondered what she was thinking about.

"Hey," she said after a moment, "did I ever let you feel this?" She patted her stomach and raised an eyebrow. Confused, he shook his head.

"Feel what?" She laughed softly as she made her way toward him.

"She kicks me. Or he…I don't know if it's a boy or a girl."

"Kicks you? From inside?" he asked, shocked.

"Yeah. It doesn't really hurt, though. At least, not yet. Give me your hand."

"Why?"

"Oh come on, 44!" she chided with a smile, taking his hand. He blinked as she pressed it against her belly. "Now wait just a minute," she said, holding him firmly in place. What am I supposed to be… But then he felt it. Just a small bump, and then another. "See?"

"Yeah…" he whispered, his eyes wide. She took his other hand and allowed it to rest on her stomach as well. He couldn't help but smile at the tiny flutterings against his palms. "Well I'll be…it's a pretty active one, huh? You can feel all that even through the shell." She giggled.

"I'm not going to have an egg, 44…my baby will be born alive. The egg has already grown and hatched inside me, I guess you could say." He gave her a look of wonder.

"Didn't that hurt?"

"Not yet. Having the baby is probably going to hurt a lot, though," she sighed. He frowned.

"Aren't you scared then?" She smiled ruefully.

"I guess I am, a little bit. I'm awful young, and I'm short, too. Those things make it hard during childbirth. I need a midwife, I suppose, but I don't know where I'd find one here. A midwife is someone who helps a girl have a baby. Anyway, I'm really excited, so I can put up with a little pain, you know? I have a life inside me…I'm going to be a mama…that's a really nice feeling." He nodded, a little worried, and she touched his cheek.

"You know, I wish…I wish it would have been someone like one of you guys. To give me a baby, I mean. Someone who would have cared and made it nice." He stared at his hands where they rested on her. Not sure what to say to something like that…

"Well…I mean, I'd like to think we'd take care of our children someday…but, you know…" Suddenly he was swallowing at a lump in his throat. But there won't be any children for us. Her child moved beneath him, and it was strange to be touching a new life when he was so suddenly at the end of his own, when he himself had ended so many lives. Shuddering, he took his hands away, hoping he hadn't offended her. "Guess we'd better try to go back to sleep," he whispered. I am not going to be sad, I am not going to drag this place down any more than it already is!  To his surprise, she stepped forward and gently hugged him. His chest ached a little, and he clasped his hands in his lap.

"I missed you a lot, you know. There wasn't a day that passed that I didn't want you back. Everyone else too," she whispered.

"They made me fly an airship," he said suddenly, then winced. I shouldn't talk about this…

"Really? It kind of sounds like fun…" she said softly. He shivered.

"I hated it."

"Oh…well, you don't have to fly airships anymore."

"Kuja used us to hurt people. We didn't want to…and I went to kind of help out for everyone else's sake…but I didn't know what to do. None of us did. I think…I think if he wanted to, he could take us right back in a heartbeat. Maybe even revert us to what we used to be," he said quietly. She sighed.

"I wouldn't know what to do either. You boys did your best. I don't think he'll be able to take anyone again, one way or the other. Especially not you. You're too strong to let that happen again."

"I don't know about that."

"I do."

"Hm."

"44…I like it here. In my heart, I don't want to leave. But if there's a small chance that I can help, I will. You and 56 and 163…everyone has made this place my home. But for now I've got to go. I am scared that I'm wrong, of course…but I've got to take the chance."  He swallowed again—his chest felt constricted for so many reasons.

"I'll miss all of your help…"

"Thanks. I've got a few things to do before I go…but I just want to let you know ahead of time this time. I'm not running away."

"Okay…" She hugged him a little tighter, then pulled away.

"Now, I'm thinking your bed is really big, and there's plenty of room for all three of us." He took in a shaky breath.

"What about you and One…I mean, is it okay?"

"Well of course it is, honey! It's your bed…and anyway, I missed you a lot, and I want you to sleep with us." He gave her a dubious look, and her face grew very serious. "44, I want you with me. You've seemed so down since you've returned, and I…I was hoping I could make you feel better…y-you know, like other…well, I've seen when other black mages are close they make each other feel better, and I'm not a black mage, but I thought maybe…" He smiled and stood, ending her stammering. For some reason her words had lightened his heart a little. I'm wanted…and I'm capable of loving someone else—I'm not a puppet at all, no matter what he told us…if we can all love each other…if we can stick together and do things together…maybe it won't be so bad. She blushed and stared at the floor. "So will you come?" she mumbled.

One opened an eye groggily, a little grumpy about being woken. What the… He hadn't even realized that she'd left, yet there she was climbing into bed again. 44 too? The bed squeaked with their added weight. Mystified and a little alarmed, he snuggled close to her and tucked his head under her chin habitually. She gave him a drowsy smile and wrapped an arm around his waist, fingers absently smoothing his wingfeathers. The bed was only so big, so 44's warmth pressed at him from the other side. To his surprise, the big mage also threw an arm around his waist with a soft sigh. He lay stiffly for a moment, then relaxed as she nuzzled at his hair.

"Okay, One?" she murmured. He nodded and shifted a little, reveling in a kind of warmth that he'd never felt before. Is this what the others feel like when they get close…? I never did, because I'm not really a black mage…they're so lucky. A strange, happy emotion nestled in his chest, and feeling completely safe and at peace, he slept.

163 sighed and drummed his fingers against the counter. It was pleasantly cool, and most of the village was outside enjoying the day as best as they could—reading, fishing, anything to take their minds off of the future. It's so much quieter than it used to be… There was no banging of new huts being made, no laughter, no music from 123's flute. Everyone seemed to be using their remaining time to just think and work things out in their minds. But I don't want to think about it.

            At first he had felt cheated and angry about his tiny lifespan and about how Kuja had used them, but as time wore on back at the Desert Palace, he had begun to realize that if he worried too much, he would waste the rest of his life. There would be no more fun, no more books read, no more joy. He had to accept that he was going to die and that he could do nothing about it. Once he was able to, and it was still hard sometimes, he felt much lighter than he had before. As soon as he had returned to the village, he resolved to live what he had to the fullest and hope for the best.

            But no one else seemed to have come to the same conclusion. 24 says the sunlight and the scenery aren't as pretty anymore, 55 gave up on his project since he can't finish, 111 and 33 don't know what to do with their chocobo…I wish everyone would cheer up a little… It was frustrating. Kind of hard to love life when everyone else is in the dumps…and I am sooo bored. He still wanted to go out for walks, wander a little, but no one was game for that anymore. It was as though everyone was clinging to the village as their only source of peace. The creaking of the door disturbed his thoughts, and he perked up. Glad someone's come to see me…'course, I could have visited someone else, but I don't want to bother anyone right now either… 32 stepped in, a distraught and slightly annoyed expression in his eyes.

            "Hey Mr. 32…what are you up to today?" The A-type mage seemed to be looking for words.

            "Well…I was kind of wondering if you'd help me." He raised an eyebrow, frightened for a moment that someone was stopping. "I mean, it's not really me, it's 192. He's in his hut and he won't come out."

            "Maybe he's tired." Oh please don't let him be sick…

            "But he's been in there for almost two days now, and I know he's not eating. He won't come out no matter how much I call him…If nothing else, we need to get back to work. I know…I know it seems kind of pointless now, but we can still do it, right? It's better than sitting inside all day…"

            "I-is he answering you at all when you call him?"

            "Oh yeah. At first he was really grumpy, but now he just sounds…I don't know. It's not good, though." 163 let out a quiet breath of relief, then suddenly realized something.

            "Hey, why do I have to deal with him? He likes you—what makes you think he's gonna come out of there because I ask?" Now that he knew 192 was all right and likely just being stubborn, he didn't really want to mess with the surly mage. I mean, I'm glad he's okay…but I don't want to be dodging fireballs either…

            "I…I don't know," 32 confessed with a sigh. "But you're sort of the doctor around here, and maybe if he thinks it's for his health he'll come out…? I really don't know. He's grumpy in the mornings and a little touchy in general but he's never done anything like this. He's not so bad, you know," he said quietly. "I guess I'm just worried about him and I want some help." As much as 163 felt a tad threatened around 192, he was sympathetic and a little flattered that he was sought out for a solution. No one's doing really wonderful right now…maybe he's lonely or scared or something… He found it hard to believe, but possible.

            "Okay…I'll come with you and see if I can help…" he said, sliding off of his stool.  32 smiled gratefully, and they made their way out the door and to 192's hut.

            "You know," 32 said thoughtfully, "…he spent a lot of time with Kuja…and at the beginning, it seemed like he was almost happy. But the longer we were there, the worse he got. Even 56 did better than him. I don't think any of us enjoyed it, but he…there's something different. He's lost something, but I don't know what." I bet Kuja did something to him…hurt him or was mean…but I'd better not say that…163 stared at the door, unsure of if he should knock or just talk, but 32 quickly solved that by rapping on the door. "You ready to come out of there yet?"

            "No," came the firm answer, edged with annoyance.

"You're being really difficult you know." Silence. "Are you sick? I think you might be. I've got 163 here…maybe he could tell you if_"

            "I'm not sick! I just want to be left alone, 32…please, please understand that," he pleaded. Wow, there really is something wrong with him…

            "I'd understand it if it were a few hours, or even a day…but it's been a little too long and you're not eating."

            "I'm not hungry."

            "I'll bet." 163 chanced a sidelong glance at his brother, surprised to hear anyone talk to 192 in such a manner. 32 stood with arms crossed, his eyes glowing sternly. "You know I'm capable of standing here a very long time and waking you at all hours of the night."

            "I'd have to kill you."

            "You'd have to come out to do it." Geez, I didn't know 32 was so stubborn… maybe I should say something…I'm not being very useful here…

            "Come on, 192, we're just trying to help you," he urged. 32 grabbed his arm.

            "Shh! Don't say_"

            "I don't need any help! I can take care of myself just fine and there's no need for you to stand outside my door and torment me!" 32 looked heavenward as though offering a brief prayer in frustration.

            "Don't ever offer to help him with anything…he's a real goober about that," 32 whispered.

            "Uh, sorry…just trying to be of use," he whispered back. Goober?

            "What are you two whispering about out there? Don't think I can't hear you."

            "Boy, you're nosy for someone who refuses to come out." A long, exasperated sigh sounded from within the hut.

            "You aren't going to leave me be, are you?"

            "Nope," they said in unison. There was silence for a while, then a grudging mumble.

            "What? We can't hear you," 163 pressed, gaining confidence.

            "I said fine! I can't…I can't come out right now…but…bring me the girl," he ended with an order.

            "Shorah?! What do you want with her?" 163 burst out before he could stop himself. He couldn't possibly want to be mean to her right now, could he?

            "192, I don't think now's the time to_" 32 began cautiously, but was cut off.

            "Do you want me out or do you want me out?! Bring her here!" he snapped angrily. 32 blinked and took a step back, straightening his hat.

            "Okay…" he said slowly, baffled.

            Two groaned into the pillow, miserable, angry, embarrassed, and a little relieved all at the same time. Damn 32… The mage that had saved his life was very hardheaded, and though he cared for the guy, Two wished that he had a little more sense about when to let go. Still, now I don't have to go crawling to her for help… The thought was little consolation. It was mortifying to ask her of all people for help. But the bleeding wasn't stopping from that last time, and he was beginning to feel weak. At first he'd thought that he'd rather die, but with 32 permanently posted outside his door there was no way he was going to die in peace. He winced as the ache in his stomach grew even sharper. Kuja…

            The pale, beautiful man had been as lascivious as ever. The first time Kuja had lifted his robes in the hallway and forcefully took him against the wall, he was overjoyed despite the pain to be touched like that again, pliant nearly to the point of collapse. When it was over and they were both panting for breath, Kuja gave him a rose-tinted, bemused smirk.

            "No fight at all from you, little one? I'd think I created you with a little more spirit than that." Then he pulled away, straightened his buckles, and left without a backward glance. Confused, Two had watched him leave without protest, though he ached to follow his master and be warm again. And I thought maybe he wanted me to resist a little, play the game… And the next time, in another hallway, he'd resisted as best as he could without really resisting at all. It was never something that he did well, and it hurt much more that way, but he hoped that this time he would convey his message. It was supposed to be different than the other times… But Kuja simply left him on the cold floor, his robes sloppily hiked up around his waist. "You know, your brothers are a bit more fun to play with…you aren't so new, are you?" The silver-haired man put a finger to his lips thoughtfully, then shrugged. He'd sat up only to watch his master's retreating back, stunned. Kuja had never been exclusive, but before Two at least felt a little special because of his talents in coupling, because he'd always given himself totally. Kuja had never cared about his lover's pleasure, but at least they fell asleep together before. At the Desert Palace he'd seemed preoccupied the whole time, just taking a short diversion because he could. He called me second-rate…he thought I was just another black mage…those times and every time after that he never recognized me, never looked at my face…he was probably fucking raping them the whole time…I wonder who else he_ But his bitter thoughts were cut off by knocking.

            "192? You wanted to see me?" No. He sighed into the pillow. The girl didn't even have the good graces to sound frightened. There was only worry, and that was grating.

            "You can come in. No one else," he ground out. As a last minute thought, he shakily rose from his bed, trying to flex wings that weren't there for balance. I'm not that weak as for her to see me milling about in bed… The door opened just enough to admit her, then closed quietly. Her eyes widened and the blood drained from her cheeks.

            "192, what happened?!" she cried softly, aware that there were others just outside the door. He stared at her for a moment, then looked down to see that the front of his robes from the waist down were soaked with blood. He'd been so distracted that he hadn't noticed. Furious at having lost the upper hand, he pointed at the bloodstain, his balance precarious.

            "You will do something about this," he ordered tersely. She gave him a bewildered look.

            "How do I know what to do about that?!"  His cheeks grew hot, and he could feel himself trembling.

            "Because you've dealt with it before!"

            "I have?" He looked at her with disbelief.

            "You don't remember a damn thing, do you?" It was like a double insult—neither she nor Kuja seemed to remember him, or wanted to remember him, at all. But she remembers One just fine! His thoughts sneered viciously, and the pain grew greater. White light flared in his eyes, and before he could stop her she was holding him up. He tried to push her away, but found that he couldn't. She firmly pulled and heaved him to his bed, where he lay trying to make the room stop spinning.

            "I'll admit, I don't remember much, but I think I am starting to remember One. Not really anything that happened, but I remember him. Maybe you're in there too, somewhere." See? Gods, I can't believe she doesn't remember me at all. See if I tell her a damn thing! She can find it by herself! Hands deftly moved down the front of his robe.

            "What are you doing?" he asked indignantly.

            "How else am I going to look at you?"

            "Oh…yeah." He shivered as his body was exposed to the cool air, his skin prickling with fever. Tears stung at his eyes from sheer mortification, but he blinked them back wearily. "Just fix it and go…" he muttered, closing his eyes. His back ached, as usual, but he wasn't going to mention that to her. He briefly remembered the violent explosions of pain, physical and emotional, that had come when his wings were sheared, when he was rejected as a failure, when he had to flee his lover and master in fear for his life. I was just trying to make it right again…I know I'm strong…I survived, didn't I? Surely he saw that…

"Boy, you're a grateful critter aren't you?" she muttered. "Can you sit up some so that I can get this off?" She tugged on his robe. He thought about arguing, but decided against it. Can't very well sleep in the bloody damn thing… "I'll wash it for you later," she said, setting it on the floor gingerly. He watched through slitted eyes as she looked at him, trying to find the injury. Teeth gritted, he tried to ignore the way her expression turned inward, soft and concerned, when she finally saw the source of the blood. I don't need you to coddle me like a child, I need you to fix it… Her eyes fixed between his legs, she absently drew his washbasin to her. "You should have said something about this sooner. I know it's not anything that anyone wants to talk about…but you could get really sick from this, or have more damage than you think."

"Well forgive me for not trying to give 32 a heart attack!" he snapped. To his surprise, she smiled. After she'd wiped some of the blood from his stomach and wrung out the rag, she gave him a weighing look.

"Sorry if I underestimated you." Her hands moved lower, and he stared at the ceiling, wishing his water were warmer.

"What do you mean?" he finally asked, wincing as she brushed at a cut.

"I know you don't like me…but you really aren't that mean, you know."

"This wasn't supposed to be a place for humans!"

"I know. You'll be happy to know I'm leaving in a couple days." He blinked.

"You are? I got the impression that you were staying for good," he said, both out of curiosity and in that he was desperately trying to distract himself.

"I've got the Torre. It might help you boys. If not, maybe I can find something else. I'm going to follow it, see where it leads me. I think it'll…well, probably take me back to where I'm from." He rolled his eyes. It'll do that all right.

"One's going to love you for that," he said sarcastically.

"Yeah. I'm going to see if he'll come." Doubtful. He shifted as the cool rag made its way inside him a bit, soothing the burning, delicate skin. "I'm sorry if I'm hurting you any."

"I'm used to it; just make it stop bleeding and be done with it," he said tersely. She gave a little sigh and continued her ministrations. Swallowing, he tried to look anywhere but down at her hands. The truth was that she was being very gentle, barely hurting him at all, and as the minutes wore on he grew more and more uncomfortable. He almost wanted her to hurt him, to snap at him, but none of his biting remarks were taken with any insult. Thrown off balance, he didn't know what to expect.

It had been the same way when 32 had first found him, bleeding to death from the wounds on his back and still weak from his fight with Zidane and company. Although Two had snapped and snarled and tried to keep the mage away, he was too weak to prevent 32 from caring for him. He didn't remember much from the very beginning, but he did recall that 32 brought him to a little cave that he'd found, and that he'd spent a lot of nights with stolen sheets wrapped tightly around his chest. For a while he'd been wary, unsure of whether it was safe to sleep, but the stubborn mage had only kind words and gentle hands, and even brought him food. Even when he woke in the middle of the night, screaming, crying, delusional from fever, 32 had never been harsh with him. Two shuddered. I don't ever want to be that off-balance again… After a while, it actually felt calming to be held by his shorter friend, to nod off to nonsense words and being rocked.  And yet, it hurt, because he'd never needed such treatment while living at the Desert Palace, because he was a weak failure, because no one at the Desert Palace had bothered with him like that before. Because Kuja never bothered.

"192, as much as I'd like to fix everything, I can't make it stop bleeding right away," she finally said. He covered his eyes with a hand.

"Are you sure?" he grated out.

"Yep, you got hurt pretty bad."

"I'm not that hurt."

"Yes, you are. Don't ask me for help and then argue with me." White-hot anger flared through his system, but he bit it down. "You're awful stubborn. Well, what you're going to have to do is rest in bed, keep your feet up. I wouldn't recommend staying here, though, at least for tonight. You don't need to stay in all of this blood on your bed. I'll clean it up and then you can come back."

"And where do you suggest I stay, hm?"

"I don't know. Maybe the inn?"

"Yeah, and let the whole village see the condition I'm in. And when they start asking questions, how should I explain this, eh? Tell'em I fucked up, literally?" he asked bitterly. She sighed and gave him a sympathetic look.

"Well, if it makes you feel any better, it's happened to me to."

"Not by someone you loved!" he snapped, then clamped his mouth shut. Goddamit, you're in fine form today, aren't you, Two?! She grew quiet and stared at the floor for a moment.

"You're right, I sold myself and got what I got," she said frankly. "But someone that you love shouldn't hurt you like that. No one should hurt you like that." Oh, give me a break. The world doesn't work that way.

"I didn't ask for your opinion. If you're done, get out." She stood and brushed her hands together, then picked up his bloody robe.

"You know I'm right. Anyway, I'm going to send 32 in with some more clothes, and you're going to the inn."

"No I'm not."

"We'll see about that when 32 gets involved."

"You are such a bitch, you know that." She sighed.

"192, I don't know where I went wrong with you. Even if I try to help you, you aren't happy. I'm not sure what's wrong, or what I did wrong in the past…but I'm sorry if I hurt you or offended you somehow. I wish I could make it up." With that, she turned and left, and he could hear her conversing quietly with 32 outside the door. He clasped his hands together and swallowed. I don't need help…I can't be a failure anymore…

One shivered and sneezed, still not over his malaise.

"If you'd stay inside like I told you to you wouldn't still be sick," she chided, handing him a warm cup of 44's chicken broth. The large mage was out feeding the animals before sundown, leaving them to themselves. He watched as she hefted the pot  back into its cooling space in the wall, then touched the pendant at her neck. "You know, One, I need to talk to you." I don't like the sound of that… He held the cup to him, trying to get some warmth from it. "I think I might could somehow help everyone with the Torre." He nearly dropped the mug, his heart skipping a beat. "I think it'll take me to where I'm from…and I think I can learn how to use it. I've got to try."

He shifted in the hard chair, stunned, unsure of what to do, knowing that this had been coming for some time. But you promised! You said you wouldn't leave anymore! His throat hurt too much already to even bother talking. I'd tell you everything if it would make you happy, but I couldn't tell you enough without being sicker and Two could tell you anytime but he's so absorbed in his own problems that he'd rather watch you die than bother with the truth! He trembled and tried to press his wings closer to his back. I hate being helpless. Gods, I hate it.

"I know I said I wouldn't leave, and I know I'm not being fair. I was actually wondering if you'd come with me. Like I said before…I would like to keep you close." He closed his eyes tightly, trying to ward back tears. Her offer only made it worse, because he was terrified to leave the village, terrified to go where it would certainly lead her, where he would almost certainly lose his wings or be killed. Or be used to create more black mages, which was even worse. Even to be close to her, he couldn't risk something that awful. He finally looked up at her, pleading with his eyes for her to understand. She stared at him for a moment, then averted her gaze to the floor. Please don't be disappointed with me, I just…I…!

"I…can't risk…" he began, his voice rasping, his throat full of piercing flame. But her hand pressed gently over his mouth.

"Shh, don't hurt yourself honey. I'm not mad." She smiled sadly and kissed his forehead. "But I really love you and I didn't want to break that promise. Will it be okay if I tell you I'll absolutely be back? I will come back, you know." You don't know where you're going. It's so easy to make that kind of promise… But he nodded weakly for her benefit and tried to absorb the feeling when she held him to her, his wings trembling. I'm a coward. God save me, I'm a coward… After a while, he slept against her, conscious of the bulky relic pressing against his chest.

44 hefted his egg basket absently, running his thumb over the knotted vine handle and rehearsing what he would say. This is so stupid…all I have to do is talk to her…The last rays of the sun were dying, and she had sworn to leave the next day. One hadn't taken the announcement well, he could tell, even though the little winged mage put on a good face. I wonder why he wouldn't go with her…I'd have thought he'd be the first to go… There were lots of thoughts about her departure. 163 seemed almost jealous, and though she might not have noticed, the bookish item shop owner followed her movements wistfully with his eyes every time she passed. I know he wants to travel, but what she's doing is probably more of a trip than he'd bargained for… 55 said he couldn't blame her—the place seemed to have lost its fire. 192 said it was just like a rat deserting a sinking ship, whatever that meant, but he didn't like the sound of it. I wonder why he has to be so mean about it…especially after she helped him like that… Of all people, 56 had greeted the announcement with some uncharactaristic hope. He says she wouldn't leave without a good reason, but I can tell he's worried…and he doesn't want to see anyone else stop, either.

He paused outside his own door, uncertain. I don't think this is going to work…I don't think her trip is going to be able to help us…but…He looked up at his rafters with a sigh. Before, I thought I'd have plenty of time to learn the small things, to settle…and then I'd travel later when I knew about the world…but there's no time for it now. Not if I don't do something, and we could all use doing a little something,  some kind of hope. He slowly turned the knob and opened the door, greeted by the smell of rolls in the oven.

"Hey 44," she said as she sat at a table, poring over a list of things she couldn't forget for the trip.

"You about done with that?" he asked, trying to sound casual. She nodded, distracted, and he noticed that One wasn't there. "Where'd One go?"

"Asleep already. Said he didn't feel well." He could just detect an edge of guilt in her voice, one hand tensely resting on her belly. For a while there was silence, and then the owls began to call in the dusk. One's labored breathing could just barely be heard through the door, and he found that he was a little annoyed with her himself for leaving her little winged shadow behind, for not insisting that he come. If I had something like that, I'd never break it…but then, I've never had anything like that and maybe she's had a lot. He leaned against his counter, making a show of inspecting the bread. With all of the feelings and hopes already broken in the village, he couldn't bear to see anything else go wrong. Not for poor One, not for him. Maybe touch doesn't do so much for humans…but I…I guess I got to used to it… The feeling of being close to her, then both her and One together, of snuggling up to them at night…it was sometimes the only thing that kept him going. It had become a vital part of what made the village home to him. With the specter of death looming so near, he couldn't bear to lose one of the only things that still gave him comfort. Finally, he noticed that she was giving him a strange look.

"What are you mumbling about over there?" He straightened his hat sheepishly and gave her a weak smile.

"Well…" And that shaky little word was all that came out. His throat felt closed tight, locked up.

"44, are you okay?" He nodded and turned his back to her. This is not hard. I've talked to her plenty of times. This is not hard.

"I was just wondering…well…do y-you know at all where you're g-going?"

"Haven't a clue," she said slowly.

"Ah," he said, tapping his fingers on the counter. "That's what I thought. Well, I mean…what I meant to ask was…" He took off his hat and turned it in his hands as he stared at the floor. "…can I…would it be okay if I came t-too?" She dropped her pencil and raised an eyebrow, astonished. "I mean, if you don't want me to, I understand because I know this is your trip and I know you've been planning for it and_"

"44…I don't mind if you come…in fact, I'd really welcome the company," she said with a sort of half smile. He gave a sigh of relief and jammed his hat back on his head now that no convincing was needed. "But you understand that it would be dangerous for you out there, right? And who's going to cook for the village, and won't One be lonely? I felt better knowing you'd be here with him…" She shook her head slowly, still surprised that he was asking. The hat came off again, more from nervousness than anything else.

"I-I thought about all that…you know I sell most of the stuff that I cook anyway…and One can take care of himself. Actually, I was hoping that if we both went we could c-convince him to go…and I know it's dangerous for me…we all know that they h-hunt us…but I can't help but think that I might be a little useful," he said, narrowly avoiding saying I can't help but think that you're in a lot more danger than I would be if I were traveling alone. That would not have been taken well.

"What about Mr. 56?" she asked quietly. He frowned. I didn't think about him…I hate to leave him here like that, but he's been doing better lately. Still… He shook his head. I can't just leave him here, what with how depressed he gets sometimes… She smiled sadly and looked at her list again.

"I think maybe more than anyone, I owe 56 my life. I wish I had something to give him. I wish I had something to give One. If nothing else, I want to be sure that they're okay. And I trust no one more than I trust you to take care of them." He wrung his hat a little, both flattered and sad.

"What if 56 comes?" She blinked, as though she had not considered that option.

"I guess he could…but the question is whether or not he wants to. I can't imagine that this would be easy for any of you, much less him."

"I know…but I think he might come. Maybe. If I can get him to go, can we both go?" he asked, aware that he might be pushing his limits. Even if we can protect her, it's not going to be easy to travel with us, what with all of the humans hating us like that… She ran a hand through her hair to pull it out of her face and fixed him with a weighing look.

"44, I_" But she was interrupted by the door opening and 56's entrance. They both stared at him. "Well, speak of the devil…" He raised his hands in a placating gesture.

"I wasn't listening…well, okay…maybe just a little," he admitted sheepishly. "But I did mean to ask you if I could come too," he went on quickly. What? 44 was truly surprised. I thought I'd really have to con him into this…but for him to just offer like that? 56 straightened his hat with an shy smile, then his expression turned solemn and he rested a large hand on her head. "I should have stayed here with you. I took you in just like 24 takes in his birds and stuff, and I should have taken care of you…but I abandoned you instead." She opened her mouth to protest, but he kept talking. "I want to help…I want to do something with myself, but I don't have long to live, you see…I've wasted a lot of time. I think I'm beginning to understand how much I have to value being alive," he said reflectively. "I want to take care of something, protect something. I'd like to be remembered for doing something good. So is that okay?" he asked quietly. 44 could tell that she was as stunned as he was. How could she possibly refuse a plea like that?

"Um…er…y-you do realize that it would be dangerous…?" she stammered. 56 straightened his hat and nodded. "And what about your home?"

"My home is where my heart is," he said simply. She looked from one mage to the other, then managed a smile.

"Well…if that's what you really want…it's okay with me. I just want you to realize that_"

"Thank you a lot! Really!" 56 said enthusiastically before she could go on, anxious to not be reminded that it would be a dangerous endeavor. 44 could only wonder whether or not his friend had hit his head somewhere at the Desert Palace and the effects were only just beginning to show.

24 gently maneuvered the kitten in his hand, pressing the milk dropper at the scraggly feline's mouth. Come on little guy, you've got to eat… The morning was cool and he felt glad to be alive, even if only for a little while. He smiled as the lost creature finally took suck.

"Hey look 123…he's finally learning! Maybe he'll make it after all," he said happily. But his friend didn't seem to take much notice. He sat at the table, resting his chin in his hands and staring straight ahead. "Uh, 123…"

"Hmm…what, you say something?"

"Yeah…you don't look so good, you know," he said, a little worried. I've tried everything to make him feel better…he usually likes dealing with the animals as long as they're nice…I wish he didn't look so grey…

"Can't sleep," he said tersely.

"Did you drink that stuff that 163 gave you? You know, to help you sleep?" 123 nodded wearily and rubbed his eyes. 24 turned around, cradling the kitten and letting its tiny noises soothe him. "You know…if something happened while we were at the Desert Palace, you could tell me about it." It took a bit of an effort to mention it, since he knew that his friend would talk when and if he felt like it. Still, it was worth a try.

"T-that's okay…I guess…I guess it's not so much that really…it's just that we  were used to hurt people again and I…I don't know." He took out his flute and absently rolled it back and forth on the table. The kitten rejected the stopper with a soft mew, so 24 settled it down on a pillow.

"Aren't you going to play your flute anymore? The village isn't the same without your music."

"Nothing comes to mind anymore to play, that's all. Really…I'm thinking about leaving…" 24 swallowed, both surprised and a little hurt, even though he somehow knew it was coming..

"Leaving? For how long…and where are you going?"

"With 44, 56, and Shorah. Dunno how long they'll be gone." 24 let out a little puff of relief.

"But you didn't ask if you could go." 123 shrugged and stuck his flute back in his belt.

"They won't care." 24 wanted to say What if I care?, but decided that might not be the best thing to say. All he could manage was,

"But it took us so long…we worked so hard to get here…"

"I…I know. It's not because of you, 24…it's just…I can't stay here anymore for now. I can't stay here and lay down and die. She's trying, they're trying again, for us. To do something good."

"Do you think it's really going to work?" he asked quietly. 123 sighed.

"I don't know. Probably not…but I want to travel. I want another chance." 24 straightened his hat and felt tears sting his eyes.

"B-but…why can't we just take our chances here? Why can't you just be happy living out the rest of your days here?" He felt betrayed, felt guilty and confused for feeling betrayed. We worked so hard to get here just for you to decide to go right back out there and get killed! I'd go too…but I'm scared to go out there anymore…

"24, do you ever think about what we did to the humans?" He gritted his teeth. Not this again…  "I mean, I know I talk about this a lot, but really—how would you feel if a bunch of humans came in and destroyed our village, killed everyone but you?"

"I'd feel awful, and I hate thinking about it, so I don't…it's not going to help anything, can't you see that?"

"No," he said quietly, his voice raw. "I wish I could not think about it. I guess I can realize that the first time…we were being controlled. That time wasn't really our fault," he said, with some difficulty. "But this last time, I knew what I was doing, what I might be made to do…and I went anyway. I put my life before those of other people, and that was wrong. I'm going to do my best to make up for that now." 24 swallowed again. I might never see you again…if you leave… "24…come see."

"Don't want to."

"Please?" Reluctantly, he turned around and found himself in his smaller friend's arms. "I love you, and you're my best friend. You've got to know that." After a moment, he hugged back.

"Then why do you want to leave me? Why now, at a time like this?"

"It's not that I want to leave you, it's that I want to make up for everything. You do it by taking care of hurt or lost animals. This is what I have to do."

"Will it make you feel better if you go with them?"

"I think so." 24 hugged tighter. His friend's body seemed so frail, and he remembered how he'd found him, half dead from injuries and caked with blood. If you leave I can't protect you anymore…but I want you to be happy…I want you to get over whatever this is that's hurting you…and maybe that's worth me not being with you for a while, even if I might not see you anymore… But it still hurt very badly.

56 watched a little nervously as she darted glances back at 123. I don't think she wanted to bring so many people…I hope she doesn't change her mind. They were on their way to see 288. She was to ask him if it was all right if she took several of his people with her for protection. Though he felt that 288 deserved respect, he couldn't help but wonder why she insisted on asking. I bet she's hoping he'll be upset and make some of us stay behind…or, maybe she's still trying to make up for hurting him? He badly wanted to talk with 44 about all this, but didn't feel it fair since it might make 123 feel unwelcome. With a sigh, he shouldered 36's pack and prepared himself for an argument. One followed behind them, slow and drooping. I still don't understand why he won't go…

When they came to 288's hut, he was outside sitting on a stool, carving at a little wooden chocobo in the morning sunlight.

"Morning, 288," she said with a soft smile. I'm glad he's not always in the cemetery like that anymore…The old mage put down his knife and rose, looking at them one by one.

"Heading out?" She nodded.

"Yes, I am…and I have some volunteers here who want to go with me. I tried to tell them that this would be_"

"Yes, I know," he said quietly. "But I think that right now it's important that we all make our own decisions, now more than ever before. I can't say as I like it…but I know I can't stop you if you're determined." His expression was one of mixed worry and pride. Wow! He's not going to say we shouldn't go…? She looked surprised and a little disappointed, but he could tell that she was trying to hold it in.

"Well, I_" she began carefully, but was interrupted.

"I'm determined too!" piped up 163. "Is it alright if I go, Mr. 288?" He bounced on his toes and grasped the straps of his pack, careful not to look at Shorah—who was beginning to look unpleasantly overwhelmed. 56 chanced a sideways glance at 44, who shrugged.

"Of course…but who's going to run the item shop?"

"55 said that he would!"

"Well, if you want to go, that's your decision. I think that they could use your help eventually on such a trip anyway. Just be careful."

"I will, I promise…" 163 said, giving his fellow traveling mages an awkward grin that said I'll explain this later.

She looked at all of them, her eyes darting from one to the other, then gave 56 a suspicious look. He shook his head, eyes wide. I didn't arrange for all of these people to come…!  He was rather surprised himself. The last was the greatest shock of all.

"I'm coming too, and no, I'm not going to ask," said 192. 32 stood behind him, exasperation, worry, and anger glowing in his eyes. No, not 192… It was an effort not to groan out loud. One was suddenly at his side, eyes pleading and angry by turns.

"I can't get the fool to change his mind, even though he's hurt," 32 said tersely, his arms crossed. 192 paid neither of them any heed.

"Now look, this isn't a tea party I'm headed out into, boys! People are_"

"Hunting us? Turning us into slaves or worse? I think we all know_"

"That's enough," 288 said gently, before the argument could even begin. He could almost see 192's feathers ruffle, but the tall mage held his tongue. Why do I have a picture of him in my mind with feathers? Shorah was clearly gritting her teeth. "You won't ever get anywhere if you can't get along. Shorah," he said, turning to her, "-you told me not so long ago that you respected what I have to say, that you saw me as older and wiser than you are." He chuckled. "Well, neither of those things are true, but will you hear what I have to say anyways?" She blushed slightly and nodded, completely caught. Other mages were beginning to show up to see them off, and were clearly interested and maybe even a little amused by the goings-on. "I know you didn't intend for so many of us to go with you…I'm sure you meant to go alone." Uh oh… "But if I've heard correctly, you're out looking for something that might help us. That means that we have a stock in how everything turns out, right? I think that if something like that exists at all, then anyone who wants to look for it should be able to." She stared at the ground—she obviously hadn't thought of it quite that way. "And besides that, you told Mr. 44 and One here that you meant to stay. You helped keep everything in one piece while most of the people in our village were absent—in many ways, myself included," he said ruefully. "In my eyes, these things make you a member of our village, and no matter what we do not travel alone. We take care of each other, even if it's hard sometimes, because we know it's always much harder to be alone." 56 thought it was very good of him to not give 192 a glance when he mentioned it being hard to care for some people.

It was quiet for a while as she stared at her toes, cheeks flushed pink. 288 is always so good with words…I thought there might be a big argument here… Finally, she looked up for a moment at her new traveling companions, half annoyed and half pleased. Her gaze at last fell on One—who looked more miserable than ever now that 192 was going.

"I…er…288, could you do me a favor?" she asked, embarrassed.

"What is it that you need?" he asked amicably. She smiled at One and pulled 163's ribbon out of her hair. She ran shaking fingers through her tresses, untangling them.

"My hair's gotten a little long for such a trip," she said. "Could you maybe cut it shoulder-length for me with one of those air blade spells you boys like so much?" Well, that's a shame…

"That wouldn't be too hard…though it seems to me long hair would be useful in the cold weather to come." In a moment, it was done, though not without a few curious looks.

"56, do you have some string from that mending kit of yours?"

"Yeah," he said, a little confused as he fished the thin leather strips from one of his coat pockets for her. With deft hands she made a braid out of the locks that had been cut and tied it tightly at both ends, then knelt down in front of One. He seemed torn as to whether to look at her or not.

"Here," she said, taking his hand and pressing the braid into his palm. Everyone watched silently—even 192 had the decency to keep his mouth shut. The little Waltz stared at it for a moment with wide eyes, then drew it close to his chest. She hugged him and said something, though 56 couldn't make it out. One nodded, his expression pained but set. Then it was her turn to be surprised as he pressed something shiny and golden into her hand. His bell…that's his favorite thing it the whole world. I don't think I've ever seen him without it… For the first time, he felt very sad about leaving, though he couldn't place why.

Finally, she hesitantly pulled away from One, wiping at her eyes but smiling.

"Well, I guess we'd better get going…if anyone's got to say goodbye better do it now, all right?" He and 44 were caught up for a while talking to 111, 33 and 189, so he didn't hear what she said to 288, but it must have really been something since he appeared caught between laughter and tears. He felt the same way as he left the village with the rest of their small group, everyone behind waving and calling goodbye, One a silent sentinel, 192 grumbling halfheartedly about 32's fussing. Despite everything else that happened on that journey, after it was all done he still thought that walking those first few miles away from the village, knowing that he would probably never see it again, was the most difficult challenge that he ever overcame.  

Author's notes: Thanks for reading my story! From this point on, it's going to run a little more like an adventure. Please tell me what you think—reviews are always welcome! I'll try to get the next chapter out as soon as I can.