Chapter 9: Nothing
Shohoku (2nd Year) -Past
The June summer is unusually unforgiving with the sweltering heat and suffocating humidity. The night sky stood an ink canopy of darkness freckled only by the fewest stars, where just hours ago it had been a blue summer's day. The air is particularly dry and damp which makes it slightly harder to focus but it's nothing too extreme. With the last shot in the basket, Rukawa breathes heavily, wiping his sweat soaked face with his towel. Taking a moment to catch his breath, he stared up at the silent sky; a tint of amethyst purple mixed with blue shroud the atmosphere, leaving breathless scenery. Rukawa smiles lightly at the night sky, silently praying for good fortune waiting for him in the future. It's not that he is extremely religious; he makes sure every day to work hard but it wouldn't hurt to ask for extra help.
From the corner of his eyes, a speck of red comes into view. Rukawa turned to see a familiar figure walking towards the court with an unusually depressive stance. His body slumped, his expression reserved and his gaze fixated on his feet. Without much thought, Rukawa walked to the redhead and stopped just in front of him.
"You're dressed for something, ahou?"
"Rukawa! What are you doing here?"
The look on Sakuragi's face was a mixture of sadness and defeat, one that is different from his usual fiery personality.
There must be something exciting about love that Rukawa hadn't figured out yet. There must be since everyone seems to flock to the idea that having a significant other is the only thing worth living. At least, that's what they believe, a romanticised version of a love. Although he's not the best at expressing emotions, Rukawa isn't someone inexperienced. He dabbled in the dating realm; unfortunately it's not something he finds very thrilling. Kissing, holding hands, it's a spark but it never last. Don't get him wrong, it's a great notion, falling in love. Maybe one day he will feel completely infatuated with someone, someone who makes his world brighter, better and his heart faster. Or maybe not. For someone expressively inept as Rukawa, that might seem unlikely. If that doesn't end up happening, then who is he to go against fate?
"I wish we could trade places sometimes," Said Sakuragi in a low whisper. "Just to know how it feels to be popular." He continued.
There Sakuragi goes again, talking about the what ifs. It's become so frequent that he feels annoyed hearing about it. It's drilled into him that the only thing Sakuragi wants is to earn petty affections from one-dimensional girls as proof of his worth. Rukawa is sick of it, sick of all the complaining. Mostly because it leaves a sour feeling in his stomach, he doesn't know why but he doesn't like it. Rukawa breathes heavily, leaning against the wall.
"If I give you the experience, would you shut up about it?" Rukawa said flatly. It's unnerving how casual he sounds asking this. After the shock sets in, the atmosphere between immediately turned heavy and the anticipation surrounds them. Their nervousness only made worse by the sizzling summer night. Every inch closer is restless, their breath's tickling skin. Sakuragi swallows hard at the feeling, realising that it's not the best idea. But curiosity got the better of him and before he could stop himself he glance at Rukawa with eyes half lidded, taking in his handsome features. It's unfair how calm Rukawa always is, even when lip locking with his team mate.
As soon as the sensation came, the first person to react was Sakuragi. His body jolted up in alert and his senses somehow heightened by the contact. Lips position itself comfortably together, a touch, a peck, nothing firm and yet Sakuragi feels his head spinning. Rukawa was surprised at how quickly the redhead succumbed to the sensation. After telling him to not close his eyes he did so anyway without realising. Rukawa smiled against his lips; its cute how seriously Sakuragi takes this.
Without warning, Sakuragi pressed harder against Rukawa, their lips now firm against eachother. Surprised, Rukawa blinks at the situation, for once taken by surprise at the situation. A hand wanders to his hair, lightly combing it. Sakuragi pressed his body against Rukawa as their lips start to move lightly. Giving in, Rukawa let out an unintentional moan that seemed to break the spell. Sakuragi stopped and his eyes widened in horror at the embarrassing predicament. Breaking the kiss immediately, Sakuragi inched away from Rukawa, leaving a hollow gap between them. His cheeks still burning red as he cleared at his throat and apologised.
"Now would you shut up about it?" was all that Rukawa could say, sounding unaffected as usual. But the tint of red across his cheeks indicates a different story.
In hindsight, Rukawa should've mind his own business and let it be. But he didn't, and he doesn't know how to make his heart slow down.
There seems to be a side to the redhead that Rukawa noticed which is different to the usual loud, annoying, and arrogant individual. Sure, he is still those things but sometimes, you do get a glimpse of the genuine, naïve and innocent Sakuragi. Sakuragi Hanamichi is by all means a paradox, someone complicated. As stupidly confident as Sakuragi make himself to be, his insecurities does show.
As months passed, he is able to tolerate the empty threats and the unprompted confrontation; it always leads to nothing anyway. More and more Rukawa finds himself feeling irritated at the redhead though. He's used to Sakuragi's antics enough that he sometimes finds it amusing and frustrated but there is just something in him that feels restless. Sakuragi had claimed him as a rival and as ridiculous as that is seeing as they are on the same team, this one sided rivalry is just misplaced and Rukawa figures ignoring it is best. He's never seen anyone so ridiculous and dedicated, so arrogant but so fragile all at the same time. He doesn't know why but he finds it somehow interesting. There is innocence to that fiery personality; it's something not many people see. But Rukawa does, though a glimpse of it, but it's there.
But he's still an idiot.
The first time Rukawa realised the troubling signs was when he started noticing more of Sakuragi's presence, more than usual. They would fight more and Rukawa would storm out bitterly more.
"D'oahou! Focus!" Rukawa glares.
"Mind your own business, Kitsune!" Sakuragi shot back.
It would be like that for a while. Although Rukawa couldn't quite figure out why, it would always be when he couldn't get his attention.
If you ask Rukawa at which point his opinion on Sakuragi changed, it was at the point where he noticed the unrevealed sincerity that Sakuragi secretly carry. It didn't help him that they shared a kiss, albeit an educational one but Rukawa still couldn't put out of his mind. The aftermath of the kiss is surprisingly a heavy one because he walked home unfocused and frazzled that night, his mind distracted and fixated on that one moment. It's funny, Rukawa was sure he was not the type to be occupied with something trivial, but I guess even the best fall sometime.
There are not a lot of people Rukawa can admire in a person without being at least slightly sceptical. It's a flaw, or a defence mechanism, or both. Rukawa learned early that the world is cruel, people always expect and it's better to be self sufficient than dependant. It's not that he doubts people, only that he has reservations about what they say and what they mean. Sometimes, these are two separate things. To Rukawa, words are almost useless unless when they are supported by action.
So it was a surprise learning that he has himself distracted by none other than Sakuragi Hanamichi. Rukawa pulls a distraught expression realising the irony in his predicament.
The problem with this is that it's not something he prepared for. He tried rejecting the idea but the more he does the harder it is. Another problem is that Rukawa seems to develop a craving for Sakuragi's attention. He subtly interjects in every stupid situation or comments indifferently to his antics just to get a rise from the redhead. However, he noticed how different Sakuragi acts around him. He observed the way the redhead would look away, refusing to hold longer eye contact and the way he seem to act slightly tense around him as if he was the last person he wanted to interact with. Rukawa tried his best to do the same, reminding himself that the last thing he needs is a distraction.
Falling is a process, a roller coaster of emotion where you feel insecure in the feeling but reassured every time you see them. It is madness and a cure, clarity and confusion.
The point when everything started to make sense and when he realised that maybe there is something more to his irritation. He ran out of reasons why he would think Sakuragi as anything more but he would come to accept his feelings.
He tried to ignore it but the thumping of his heart won't stop. He tried but the undeniable feeling in his gut keeps telling him to acknowledge it.
Rukawa sighs tiredly, exasperated from feeling as if nothing makes sense. He tried working out the reasons why he feels this way, trying his best to consider the ways in which Sakuragi affected him. The more he sees Sakuragi, the more irritated he feels. Why him of all people? There are other more extraordinary, talented and better looking people out there and here the only person he's thinking of is Sakuragi Hanamichi. It's either he has really low standards or….
"Haruko!" Sakuragi called out to the petite girl, his face beaming with joy.
"Sakuragi," she smiled, "Oh, I didn't see you. Were you practicing here alone?"
Sakuragi nodded, his cheeks showing a tint of red. Rukawa stood by the door, eyeing the two figures.
"Are you looking for someone?"
"Ah," Haruko's cheeks went red at the question, "I was just…wondering if Rukawa is here." She continued, holding a small parcel to her chest.
"Oh," Sakuragi replied, a hint of disappointment in his voice. Wiping the sweat dripping from the side of his forehead, he breathes heavily.
Noticing the sulk in his expression, Haruko raised her eyebrows, "Do you want to maybe have dinner together?" Sakuragi light up instantly at the question, nodding his head vigorously. His once gloomy exterior turned immediately cheerful.
Amused, Haruko giggled at the sight. "I'll wait here while you change." She sat down on the benches.
Sakuragi perked up, a wide grin plastered on his expression with excitement bubbling in his chest.
As soon as he stepped in, he sees Rukawa sitting on the long bench opposite the lockers, his hands focused on his shoelaces.
"You're still here?" Sakuragi's voice is defensive remembering how Haruko is looking for the blue eyed boy. Rukawa paid no mind to him, decided that his shoelaces is giving him enough trouble already.
Sakuragi walked to his locker which coincidently happens to be beside Rukawa. "I still think it's unfair that you have all this popularity and never once have you smiled at a woman."
Rukawa remained silent.
"That other night…when we…I mean, you said you have experience…"Sakuragi stammers lightly at his words, "If you have any advice… I'm having a dinner date with Haruko so I was wondering if…"
Rukawa sighs and stands up, grabbing his duffel bag next to him.
"You said you would shut up about it." Rukawa replied, his eyebrows wrinkled and gaze fixated on the redhead.
Sakuragi meets his gaze momentarily before looking away. "I was just…"
"Why do you always chase after people who don't appreciate you?" surprised by his sudden seriousness, Rukawa bit his lip and moved his gaze to the floor, avoiding the redhead's reaction. The atmosphere is heavy and awkward, both surprised by the sudden irritation seeping in.
"Why do you care so much?"
"I don't," replied Rukawa, "It's pathetic." He continued before he can stop himself. Surprisingly, a comeback never came and only silence stretched between the two. Rukawa glance at the redhead, expecting a snarl, a glare, a commotion, anything but was only met with hurtful eyes. Sakuragi's expression fell, eyes cast down and lips pinched. Rukawa feels his heart wallow in guilt. Feeling the remorse gnawing him, he turned silently to his locker pretending to put more things in his bag.
"You better hurry up, she's waiting for you." Was all Rukawa said as a way to ease the tension. Without wasting any more time, the redhead closed his locker door and lingered momentarily. He opened his mouth to say something but quickly changed his mind to walk away.
"Do'ahou," Rukawa called out. Sakuragi turned to Rukawa, expecting another blow. Rukawa moved his eyes elsewhere, sighing lightly before saying, "just…be yourself." Taken aback by the change in tone, Sakuragi nodded lightly before walking away leaving Rukawa to contemplate alone in the empty locker room. His grip on the small metal door tightens, cursing himself at the misplaced aggression. He didn't mean to sound mean but he couldn't control his irritation. The wave of bitterness washes over him at the thought of the redhead being alone with a girl. He can imagine the goofy smile and dorky expression on his face all too clearly.
Rukawa sighs, surrendering himself to the feeling of sudden envy. This is becoming too much of a hassle.
It takes a second, a moment for everything to lay open. It takes only once for Rukawa to act on his feelings, one small fragile moment. There must be something about the overbearing pressure of burying the useless feeling that makes Rukawa feel especially vulnerable.
It had been a stressful match and Sakuragi and Rukawa are the only ones last in the gymnasium in charge of clearing the equipment. The atmosphere is surprisingly light and friendly between the two. Sakuragi's animated laugh could be heard echoing the halls.
"You weren't that bad either." Sakuragi smirked, his expression kind. "Your assisting skills are great." He continued. Rukawa glance at the redhead, looking for any sign of mockery or sarcasm but there is none.
"I mean, you managed to get the last basket in. It was pretty cool." There is admiration in his voice.
Rukawa remained silent, trying hard to ignore the tingling of his heart.
"What's wrong Kitsune? You look tense." asked Sakuragi, leaning closer. Rukawa swallows, his eyes unblinking, everything in him screaming to ignore and walk away. He steals another glance at the redhead, noticing how close he is right now. Before he could stop himself, he grabbed Sakuragi's arm, turning him around against the solid wall.
"Oi, Rukawa…"
Before Sakuragi could react, Rukawa pressed his lips against Sakuragi's chapped ones. It started as a peck, just a touch at first but gradually he pressed harder, moving his lips slightly as if greedy for more. Sakuragi's hand threatened to push him away but Rukawa tightened his hold on him. The rush of the moment makes Sakuragi lightheaded and before he realised it, he finds himself giving in to the kiss, further deepening the kiss. When Rukawa finally break the kiss, it was soft and slow, as if savouring in every last bit of sensation he could.
"What are you doing?" Sakuragi whispered, his voice came out hoarse and breathy.
"Is it not okay?"
"Are you crazy?" said Sakuragi, his cheeks stained red. They held their gaze, uncertain of how to properly make sense of the current situation. Rukawa bit his lip, his eyes never leaving Sakuragi. He watched hazelnut eyes studying him and all Rukawa could think is how attractive the colour brown is.
Sakuragi's lips parted as he stared questioningly at the black haired boy.
"Is it not okay for me to like you?" it's more of a question to himself but the words slipped out without him realising it. It's a question he always asks himself and now in this fragile moment, he search desperately for the answer. Is it really okay?
Sakuragi's eyes widened at that and his mouth hang open. "What!" Sakuragi exclaimed, jolting back in the process. "Like me?"
"But—you—I mean, "Sakuragi stammers, trying desperately to search for answers. "But I am a guy." He muttered lowly
"So it would seem." Rukawa folded his arms against his chest.
"Isn't that—"
Sakuragi's wide eyes bore into Rukawa's, confusion and uncertainty apparent in the redhead's eyes. Rukawa raised his eyebrows, keeping their gaze focused.
"You can't just—"Sakuragi trailed off. "I'm a guy!" he repeated again, voice still low.
"Why does that matter?" asked Rukawa. "How is it so different to liking girls?"
"Of course it's different!" Sakuragi exclaimed immediately. "I mean…you know—we can't just do something like this! It's not right!"
"Is that what you really think?" Rukawa asked, his voice dripping with disdain. When Sakuragi didn't answer him Rukawa feels his heart clench in his chest, realising that acting on his intuition and his feelings might not be the smartest thing to do. This hurts more than he anticipated. What is he thinking? Why is he so reckless?
Rukawa clenched his fist. "You're right, let's just forget about this."
"Rukawa, wait!" Sakuragi grabbed Rukawa's wrist but he immediately pulled away. "If you want to keep chasing after people who don't return your feelings then go ahead." His tone came out slightly bitter than usual but Rukawa is too frustrated to even care at this point.
Rukawa glance at Sakuragi with serious eyes, "The way I see it, feelings are feelings. I don't care about genders. But if that means much to you I'll stop... liking you." His gaze fell to the floor, turning away from the redhead as he starts to walk away.
Sakuragi watched Rukawa's figure disappears. He stands there, alone with his thoughts, still processing the weight of the situation. His cheeks flushed with the thought of Rukawa's lips brushing against his and him giving into the kiss, secretly craving for more sensation. He feels his heart thumping lightly against his chest as he remembers how sincere Rukawa's eyes had been. Rukawa Kaede just admitted to liking him. Is this real?
There have been very few instances where Sakuragi would have his feelings reciprocated. Okay, maybe less than few. But it never leads to anything much because by the first week she had either moved on or was too embarrassed to continue liking him.
He admits, he wasn't such a great person in the past. His life was consumed by fighting. It was the only thing he was ever really good at and the only thing that gave him purpose. After his parents passed away, the gang life only consumed him more. The only thing that grounded him was his friends especially Youhei, who was always there from the very beginning. Without anyone there he didn't see much point to care about anything else that people usually aim for. Deep down though, he wished he care, he wanted to care. When he see people so full of purpose with happiness plastered on their faces and a glint in their eyes as if they're the luckiest people on earth, so content with life, Sakuragi could only wish he would find that someday. One day.
Everyone he had ever liked would reject him. That's how it's always been.
Sakuragi gaze intently at the cup in his hand, swirling the liquid around lightly, deep in thought. He sighs.
"You okay?" Youhei nudged him lightly.
"Yeah," Sakuragi sighs, but Youhei remained unconvinced.
"You haven't even touched your food," Said Youhei, eyeing his untouched pasta. "That's a little worrying."Youhei added jokingly.
"Sorry, "Sakuragi apologised, setting his glass down.
"Is something wrong, Hanamichi?
Sakuragi pursed his lips thoughtfully, "How would you react if someone confessed to you."
"Happy?" Youhei raised an eyebrow, "that's obvious right?"
Sakuragi sighs, crossing his arms over his chest. He wrinkled his eyebrows, focused on something. "But what if he's a guy?" he slowly turns to Youhei expecting him to be so shocked. Instead, Youhei remained calm; his eyes stared at Sakuragi, squinting at him suspiciously.
"Who confessed to you?"
"That is not the point!" Sakuragi exclaimed.
"So you have an admirer…who turns out to be a guy," Youhei shrugged, "what's the big deal?"
Sakuragi scratched his neck nervously, his cheeks turning to a darker shade of red. "It's weird, isn't it? Two guys…you know, together."
Youhei smiled, sipping on his drink. "It's weird if you think it's weird."
"What do you mean?"
Youhei meets his gaze and raised his eyebrows pointedly at him, "The way I see it, feelings are feelings. And if you like someone genders aren't important." Sakuragi's eyes widened, surprised at how familiar the words are. Rukawa said the exact same thing. Enlightened by the concept, he nodded, taking in Youhei's words carefully.
"But not everyone thinks like that. If you have a problem with it then you don't have to return his feelings." Youhei added.
He finds himself in a weird situation where it becomes hard to look at Rukawa for too long, like he used to. If he did, it would leave a strange sensation. The wave of nervousness washes over him as he starts to notice Rukawa the way he is, not as a rival but as a confident and competent individual. Sakuragi have always known how good he is, he always knew how much talent and skill the boy has but watching him made Sakuragi realise how focused he's been in trying beating him that he forgets to appreciate his sportsmanship. Many times Sakuragi felt a sense of awe and admiration, secretly wondering how someone could be that talented.
It's not love; at least, he doesn't think so. But he's never felt this way before so he couldn't accurately identify what it is. Maybe he's just sick of the blue eyed boy, maybe the uneasy feeling in his stomach and the quick pace of his heart points to a more serious disease. Maybe he's going to die, Sakuragi pales.
Youhei laughed when he told him this.
"Maybe you like him?" Youhei teased, snapping him out of his thoughts. Surprised, Sakuragi chokes on air, coughing.
"What!"
Youhei chuckled, "You avoid him like a shy school girl."
Sakuragi blushed at that and folded his arms against his chest in protest. "Give me a break!" he rolled his eyes. "he's just awful to look at!"
"Then?"
Sakuragi rubs his chin thoughtfully, considers the question seriously. "Rukawa is…"
As if on cue, a tall figure came into view, stopping right in front of him. Blue eyes collide with brown, cold blue clash with fiery red. "R-rukawa!" was the only thing that Sakuragi manage to let out.
Rukawa acknowledges him, his eyes fixed on the redhead. Sakuragi fidgets under the stare, picking anxiously at his sleeve. The air seems awkward somehow, not a lot, just a tint, like an unspoken tension suddenly fills the open air. Youhei glance from his friend to Rukawa then back again, sighs and deadpans. Without words, Rukawa walked past the redhead, leaving him to stare back at the blue eyed boy as he walked away. Youhei's question lingers in the air, still waiting to be answered.
'Odd…." Sakuragi continued softly, staring contemplatively at the disappearing figure, ignoring the red lightly dusting his cheeks.
Present Day
Sakuragi stared down at his drink, moving the glass in a circular motion distracted by the swirling liquid. Sitting in a crowded room, he finds himself preoccupied with a memory; a disjointed flashback he didn't know was real or just a dream. It comes in flashes of words, questions he asked someone. He remembers feeling sad and vulnerable as if desperate for some sort of affirmation.
"I wanted to tell you how I really feel…"
"Even if it's you, I can't keep denying how I feel…"
Sakuragi closes his eyes and breathes heavily trying to shake his thoughts away. Looking around the room he watched his friends immersed themselves in the atmosphere of the party. He watched as Mitsui trying his best to seduce the girls while Miyagi recklessly chugs beer with the guys.
He's trying really hard to blend in, to have fun; he must look so out of character right now. He had thought this party would make him forget, at least for awhile. But here he is, sitting in Haruko's house; with thoughts of days prior where he had drunk call Rukawa.
Youhei had asked him how he felt about Rukawa, what he would do if he sees him again. Of course his immediate response that day was nothing but contempt for the blue eyed boy. He had denied every feeling; he had furrowed his eyes and folded his arms at the mere question. And of course, Youhei just smiles back knowingly, not taking any of his response seriously.
Sakuragi questions himself a lot. When he's alone, when he's dares to be honest, he asks himself the same question, 'what Rukawa means to me?', if he still does mean anything and why he feels so bitter even after so many years?
He feels like he's regressing, now more than ever. Denying and being so vengeful is something the past Sakuragi would do, not the present. He's changed, he know he has. But why does Rukawa makes him feel like he hasn't?
Truth be told, he doesn't hate Rukawa, he never could.
"Maybe Youhei is right, I am running away..." Sakuragi mumbles, rubbing his neck thoughtfully. "Well, whatever, it's not like I'll see him here."
