Sorry for the wait, just returned from my 3 week trip.
Logan did not join in rehearsals that day.
Instead he sat with Gustavo in his office, watching as the large man made various phone calls to his 'secret aids' enlisting in help for creating Logan's 'double life', as he so dubbed it.
Logan wasn't sure when his life had turn into an episode of Hannah Montana, but he wasn't particularly fond of it. He decided to ignore the idea altogether and focus in attention of the detailing of the expensive office.
He was well into memorizing the number of ceiling tiles, when Gustavo slammed the phone down causing Logan to practically leap out of his seat.
"So, Dog, I've managed to ring in all the makeup artists will need, plus, a highly-demanded psychiatrist as well as a line of of doctors waiting to meet you." He bowed, "you can thank me graciously for all my amazing work."
Logan only blinked, stared at the music producer, and blinked some more.
"Wait...uh, this is just moving a little too fast," he bit his lower lip, "could I maybe, meet the psychiatrist?"
Gustavo grunted, but remained silent.
"Please? I think it's important that I meet a few and choose which one I feel most comfortable with for my...situation."
Picking up a pen from his desk, Gustavo played with the end, jiggling it between his thumb and index finger. He seemed to be in deep thought, and Logan began to sweat as the older mans gaze never left his person.
"Fine." Gustavo grumbled, reaching out for the phone again. Logan watched him dramatically lift it from the receiver and shove it against his ear. His meaty fingers pounded the keys on the dial pad, before coming back to rest on the table, beginning a drumming rhythm from his fingers.
Someone on the other line quickly picked up and Logan took it as his queue to wander off into his thoughts again, preferring to stay out of the producers bargaining conversation.
He thoughts drifted off onto his friends. Logan could hear the steady beat of 'Cover Girl' coming from the sound booth and a large part of him itched to be in there with them, recording. The other part he'd chalked up to being fear, of being locked in a room with Gustavo for so long.
The tell-tale slamming of the phone did not spook Logan this time around. He turned to face Gustavo, waiting on his answer anxiously.
Gustavo held up four fingers, "I've got four psychiatrist's lined up to meet you later this week. Like I said before makeup is ready, and I'd believe Doctor's would be last on the list," he eyed Logan up and down, making the teen quite nervous, "considering those would involve more physical changes that we will deal with then."
Logan nodded, swallowing harshly. Everything was suddenly moving so fast, and he wasn't sure if it was a good thing or bad. In all, he's figure it to be a good thing, a very good thing. But his stomach was all in knots of nervousness and he was confused about were he lay within his mind.
"Dog?" Gustavo called. Logan looked over at him blankly, still gathering his wits.
"Uh, yeah?" He asked lamely.
"You can get out of my office now, I'll call you tomorrow with more details of your appointments. He shooed Logan out of the room with a gesture, before turning his attention away from the brunet and onto something else.
"Right..." Logan slowly rose from his seat and slumped out of the room, mind many miles away.
He met with his friends just outside in the hallway before Gustavo's office. They all watched him eagerly waiting before the brunet stood before them and then beginning with an array of questions.\
"What did he say?"
"He's not kicking you of the group, is he?"
"How did you make it out alive?"
"What did Griffin say?"
"Did he-"
"Guys!" Logan shouted, raising a hand for them to stop. "I'm still in the group, he says he wants to help me, and no, I haven't heard from Griffin."
Kendall threw him a look, "Gustavo wants to help you?" he asked incredulously. Logan nodded dumbly, giving a shrug, not quite sure on the matter himself.
"As far as I know."
"Well... I guess that's a good sign, right?" Logan shrugged again.
"I guess... I mean, I hope so."
Kendall came over to Logan's side and smiled brightly at the shorter boy, "well then, how about we help in putting this all into motion?" He turned their other friends.
"Guys, what do you say?" They both immediately nodded without a thought, but Logan was already shaking his head as well, pulling away from Kendall.
"No, no, no," he began hurriedly, "I don't need anymore help then what's already given." He gave his friends a solemn look, "all I need is your guys' support, okay?"
Kendall went to protest but Logan quickly cut him off.
"No Kendall, the dress was enough, just please, support me, that's all I need." He watched as the gears began to turn in the blond's mind, before he let out a defeated sigh, nodding slightly.
"Okay, we stop, but you come to us if something bothers you, okay?" Logan nodded reassuringly, "absolutely, I promise." He pulled them all into a gentle group hug.
"Thank you guys, really, thank you."
The next few days progressed in an easy habitual stream for Logan. He returned to rehearsing with his friends and accompanied them to the pool after work hours. Everything seem fine and dandy, as if nothing had changed.
And Logan wasn't sure why it bothered him.
His friends had grown accustomed to his situation and had not treated him any differently. In fact, Logan would say, ever since the dress incident they'd seem to be extra cautious about what they said and did around Logan.
While the brunet appreciated their efforts, he couldn't help but feel annoyed for circumstances he wasn't entirely sure of.
He'd settled issues with Camille and Lucy, and with some reluctance, his ex-girlfriend slowly began to except her previous love-interests changes. It was was a little awkward , but Logan found himself falling into a comfortable friendship with the two girls. It both excited and freaked him out as Logan found himself spending an increasing amount of time with them over Kendall, James and Carlos.
However the issue still remained , over his friends off behaviour. But Logan wasn't going to give it much thought; he was determined to confront the issue and crush it as soon as possible, cutting off any unnecessary obstacles on his path to becoming everything he really needed to be and was.
Though, as he thought about it, instead of going directly to the source of his currently confusing predicament, he'd go to Mrs. Knight.
He'd battled with himself between going to his friends mother and divesting himself in another video diary (having been so long since the last). But chose to go with the a physical and more present source of aid, one that could provide with advice - and affection.
It was Thursday morning, when Logan and his friends had returned from rehearsals, that, instead of heading straight for the pool, he made a beeline for the elevator.
"Logan? Where are you going?" Kendall asked as he turned from his venture to their usual pool seats for his small brunet friend who had disappeared from his side.
Logan pressed the elevator button before turning to answer the tall blond.
"I need to get some work done," he shrugged, giving the blond an assuring smile, "I'll join you guys later, promise."
The blond said nothing, but made no move to stop Logan as the elevator made its arrival.
Logan steeped inside and turned to wave goodbye to his friend, but as he did he found the boy was already gone.
Pushing any concern into the back of his mind, Logan rode the elevator to the second floor and swiftly entered into apartment 2J.
"Mrs. Knight!" he shouted immediately, rounding the corner into the kitchen only to come up empty.
"Mrs. Knight!" he shouted once more, entering into his shared room and quickly crossing over to the girls' shared room when he found his empty.
"Logan?" Mrs. Knight voice travelled from behind the bathroom door by the kitchen, and Logan stopped just as the door clicked open and said mother walked out.
He smiled shyly, "hi Mrs. Knight," his words sounded more timid than he meant to be, "can I speak to you?" Mrs. Knight smiled.
"Sure Hon, what's up?" she settled down on the orange couch, a spot that had become a regular for their conversations, and after a pregnant pause Logan silently sat down across from her.
"It's about the guys..." he started, unable to look up at the woman before him, " they've been...a little strange."
Mrs knight lent back in her seat, " okay...you mean they've been really careful?"
"Huh?" Logan sounded, a little confused and a little worried by what she meant by "careful".
"They've been careful right? Sort of 'walking on egg-shells?' They're just worried about doing something wrong and setting you off again sweetheart." she explained.
Logan frowned, "I don't like them acting all weary - its not them." he pouted, "help me?"
Mrs. Knight laughed, "Logan honey if we could change the way people acted just because we didn't like it, the world would be a perfect place." she smiled wisely, "just tell them how you feel and they'll adjust their actions appropriately." she then shrugged, "of course they're boys, so you never know."
Logan laughed, it felt different to be referred to outside of the 'guys' circle. He wasn't sure yet if it was good different or just a weird different. But he felt something stir in the pit of his stomach either way.
"Anyway, don't you have a lot more concerning items to take care of?" she looked at him pointedly, "like who spilled your secret to the media and making an appointment with that therapist?"
He sighed, "yeah, Gustavo's looking to track down who said it and he made appointment for next Monday" Gustavo had done quite a bit for Logan once he though about it, he'd have to thank him when he had the chance.
On the subject of who had ratted him out to the media, he was a little embarrassed to admit he thought almost next to nothing about it. Something that had so drastically changed his life in a matter of days had shocked him initially, but now he felt...relieved – in a way. He was more so nervous about meeting his therapist for the very first time. If things went well it was likely Logan would be seeing this therapist for quite some time.
"Have you mentioned to Gustavo about finding a doctor?" Logan nodded.
"He's looking into that, says he has a few lined up, because he's trying to find the best time frame to meld with everything else." Logan swallowed, "if it were up to him, I feel like I'd already be under the knife."
Mrs. Knight brow furrowed as she placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, " if you're concerned about this going too fast, you can always ask Gustavo to give you some time."
Logan shook his head, "I'm not worried...I'm...I'm nervous, but excited nervous. Besides, I couldn't do that, not after all he's done for me. It's not fair."
"Logan this is not about being fair, Honey, this is your life, your well-being, start putting yourself first." She pointed her index finger into his chest, "like I said, lead, and those shall follow."
They both whirled around when the door suddenly swung open, hitting the wall with BAN. Kendall sauntered in, like a man on a mission and stormed over to the orange couch.
"It's later Logie, where are you?" he stood over his smaller friend, towering over his seated frame.
Logan suck in his lower lip; confused and a little annoyed. This is what he'd been talking about, not even a little space.
"Kendall...its been a half and hour, if that." he eyed the taller boy hesitantly, the blond looked a little... explosive, "I promised I'd come down later."
Kendall shook his head and outright protest, "well it's later now, come on." With that he grabbed the brunet from under his right armpit, forcing him to his feet. Logan relented.
"Kendall!" Mrs. Knight exclaimed standing up to separate her son from his violent grip on the smaller boy, "what's gotten into you?" Losing his grip on the brunet, Kendall staggered back slightly as the brunet pushed him away.
"What the hell Kendall?" Logan shouted, glaring angrily at the blond who matched his countenance to a T.
"I'd should be asking what's the hell is wrong with you! All week you've been avoiding me and the guys for Camille and Lucy!" Kendall ranted, eyes ablaze in anger and something else Logan couldn't quite place...
Sadness?
"Kendall..." Logan began, quickly being cut off by the blond.
"Why Logan?" Kendall ran a frustrated hand through his hair, completely caught in his web of confusion and anger, missing as Mrs. Knight quietly ventured off to her room.
Logan however had noticed her departure, silently thanking her for leaving them to handle it on their own.
Lead and those shall follow.
"Kendall, please, just calm down okay?" he slowly, made his way over to his haggard friend, hands out ahead of him, prepared to rest comfortingly on the blond's shoulder.
But as he got close enough they were whacked away by the blond who continued to fall into his own pit of despair. Logan grew worried.
"Kendall please, I'll go down to the pool with you okay?" He moved forward again, "please calm down."
Kendall shook his head roughly stepping back, "Logan," he groaned, "I don't know – I-I can't." The last words slipped so brokenly from his lips, it almost brought Logan to tears.
"Can't what Kendall?" he whispered.
But the blond continued to shake his head, "I did, I did, I did come up here to get you for the pool," he began, "but me and the guys were - have been talking and, and, Logan we can't." he confessed.
"Can't what Kendall" Logan repeated harshly, pushing forward and gripping the tall blond's shoulders roughly. When he was shoved backwards forcefully Logan started wishing he'd asked Mrs. Knight to stay.
"Be like this anymore!" Kendall's voice thundered about the apartment and Logan heard the faint thunk coming from Mrs. Knight's room.
"We can't Logan, we can't deal with it, with you," he heaved, "I can't. Logan I tried, I- all week we've been treating you like this, like..." he trailed off. But Logan knew where he was headed.
"Like what? A girl?" He hissed, finishing the blond's words. The dawn of euphoria that crawled up the blond's features tore at Logan's insides.
"Exactly." The blond whispered, barely enough for Logan to hear. But he did, and somehow his best friends confession echoed around the apartment louder than before.
Logan snorted, this was all going to shit.
"I never asked you to Kendall, did I?" he murmured. The blond, finally really look into his eyes, furrowed his brows angrily.
"Well you are one, aren't you?" He sneered, "you're a girl now Logan, so of course, I would, right?"
It was something in the blond's words broke the last of Logan's resilience; this stupid fucking idiot still wasn't getting it.
"I've always been a girl Kendall, always, my entire fucking life!" he boomed, marching back over to the blond and gripping him by the collar of his shirt. Ignoring the others boys surprised expression.
"I've always been this way you stupid fucking idiot, I'd thought you understood that now!" He shouted so loudly his throat burned for him to stop, but he couldn't, he was done.
Mrs. Knight was right.
Lead and those shall follow. Except, Logan no longer gave a fuck if anyone followed.
"My entire life, I've pretended to be someone I wasn't; for James, for Carlos, for you!" He shoved the blond backwards and he fell numbly to the floor.
"That's all – that's all, I ask!" he cried, pulling at his scalp just as the blond had earlier.
"I'm Logan, your b-best friend Logan," his mouth quivered as his emotions began spilling over, "so treat me like your best friend." he finished with a hallow, empty whisper, gazing down at the blond.
Kendall did not move, but stared dumbly at the now trembling brunet from his spot on the floor.
"It shouldn't matter what I am, I'm your best friend – Logan. Treat me like Logan – Logie." With that, Logan heaved loudly, dropping his face into his hands and breathing heavily between heavy sobs. The blond watched him for a moment, unblinkingly, before he slowly rose from the floor and approach his broken best friend, pulling him into his arms.
"I'm sorry Logie" he whispered, pressing his lips into the brunet's scalp, shaking with the boy's heavy sobs.
"Just don't treat me differently, please," the boy in his arms pleaded between subsiding sniffles and hiccups
"I'm sorry, I won't, I promise," he kissed the top of Logan's head. I love you.
"I can't lose you Kendall," he shook his head against the blond's chest, "not you."
"...and? What did you say to your parents?" Logan sighed.
"I was a kid, I assume you can guess." He sat across from the short blond haired woman, resting back against he cozy red arm chair, identical to the one the older woman in front of him sat.
Today was his second meeting with his therapist, the Monday following his first appointment. He had to admit, while she wasn't the sweetest lady in the world, she was good.
Logan had opened up to this stranger in the last session and half about more than he'd released to Mrs. Knight and his friends.
"I can guess Logan, the thing is though, it prevents you from saying it." Like that for example, the woman barely knew him and could already read him like a book.
He sighed again, pitifully, "I know...I just..." he shrugged, he really wasn't sure.
"Is it because you think saying it makes it real?" she pressed, placing her notepad down the coffee table between them.
"I don't know...maybe?...Yes?" he squeaked sheepishly, glancing down at the coffee table. He caught sight of the yellow notepad and gasped.
"It's blank!" he exclaimed, pointing down at the object. The woman glanced down at the paper uninterestedly, nodding her head.
"It's mostly for show," she joined her hands together, resting back on the seat cushion, "don't change the subject."
"Well...okay, yes! Why not! Saying it does make it real and that bothers me..."
"Is it because you might not be transgender?" she enquired, watching as the brunet's head shot up and stared at her stupidly.
"Are you crazy? Of course it's real! People don't make this shit up like it's some guessing game!" he sat up straight, "I've known I am a girl as far as I could remember! How dare you – oh" He watched as the mischievous grin made it's way to her lips, and couldn't help but grin back.
"You're good" he commented, to which the woman only shrugged.
"I'm doing my job Logan, and you're quite bright yourself I must say." she smiled as the boy blushed.
"Thank you" he mumbled.
"I think we're on a good start here Logan." Logan felt so elated by those words, her voice sounding so steady and confident that he couldn't help but soak it in. He wanted her confidence, her strength it may just get him through this oncoming roller coaster. He eyed her carefully, watching as she capped her pen and placed it atop the notepad.
He may have just found his new role model.
This chapter was courtesy of 2 hours sleep and an 8 hour work shift - hope you enjoyed.
