Author's Note: Happy June, y'all. :D ILU Barbara. ;D
Chapter 9 ~ Side by Side
A sudden scuffling, followed by a thud and a muttered, "Shit!" interrupted Axel's dreaming. The memory of the dream vanished at once as Axel woke up, feeling…much better actually. Rested. No headache. Warm… Axel blinked. He remembered falling asleep on the couch, but he wasn't sure where the blanket covering him had come from.
But none of that mattered when, a moment later, he looked up to see Roxas struggling by the door, arms full. Several bags were hung from his shoulders, and one of them was probably the culprit that had knocked over the end table by the door, which Roxas was now trying to pick back up as quickly and quietly as possible. Axel rubbed an eye curiously as he sat up, wondering what Roxas was doing. Did he need some help? Wait…where was he going?
Blue eyes glanced up at the motion and saw him and Roxas stiffened, turning away and moving faster. That's not right… Axel frowned. "Hey, what're ya doin, Rox? Need some help with thaaa?" The end of his sentence disappeared into a yawn.
Roxas' voice was strangely quiet. Axel barely heard him answer, "Nope. I'm fine. Sorry I woke you up, Ax. Go back to sleep."
But Axel wasn't about to do that. He was awake now, and beginning to think. Where is Roxas going? He came back and didn't wake me…and was gonna leave again? Is he…trying to sneak out? That thought had the redhead on his feet, crossing the room quickly toward the struggling blond.
"Where are you going, Roxas?" A blue, troubled glance, but no answer. Silence. "Roxas, where are you going?" Axel insisted. When it looked like Roxas was still not going to answer him, he reached out and took hold of a slender arm, pulling the blond to face him insistently. Roxas didn't look at him, didn't meet the searching green gaze. "Roxas. Where." Low and level, Axel demanded an answer. I can't let him go until I find out…until I explain…
Still not looking up, Roxas answered softly, "I'm, um…I'm gonna go stay with Sora for a little while, Ax. He…he invited me, so…I'm going."
It didn't make sense. Sora's? Why would he need to stay with Sora? He lives here, this is his apartment… All that came out, however, was a blank, "Why?"
Roxas was retreating, pulling out of Axel's grip and backing toward the door, clutching his bags. "You can stay here as long as you need to, please don't be bothered by it, just stay until you can find your own place. No rush."
"Thanks, but…when will you be back? How long are you visiting Sora for?" How am I supposed to find a chance to talk about this if he's gone? Axel took one step forward, trying to keep the distance between them from growing wider.
"I'm not…not visiting. I won't be back until you've found a place to move. But take your time, really! It's nothing to worry about…"
What? What the hell is he saying? "What are you talking about? What's going on, Roxas?"
The blond had backed out the door by now – he was standing on the threshold, Axel stopping right in the doorway and looking down at the little guy…who still wasn't looking up at him. He was just mumbling toward Axel's knees, "I just need some space. I can't…with the way things are now…I can't be around you right now. I hope we can still be friends…"
Axel's stomach crystallized into a block of ice. He hates me. Oh God. "Wh-why? You don't have to go… If…if it's what I did…I mean…I'm sorry. I won't do anything you don't like, I'm sorry…"
Blond spikes waved as Roxas shook his head. "You just don't understand. It doesn't matter anymore. I can't trust myself around you. I can't stay."
But you have to stay! You can't leave me alone like this… Axel blocked the selfish thought. "I don't understand! I mean, I get it if…if you're mad at me…" Roxas opened his mouth, but Axel kept talking, rushing in a panic to make this better, "…but all you had to do was say so! I won't…I mean, I promise! I won't do anything!" He hates it, he doesn't want me like that, I knew it! Sick pain was settling in Axel's chest at the thought of Roxas walking out on him because of what he'd foolishly, stupidly done. I can't lose you, too…
A quiet sigh. "But I can't promise that I won't do anything. So I have to go…before I ruin our friendship for good."
Blinking, Axel tried to understand the blond's words. He still wants to be friends…but he has to leave? Wait…he can't promise he won't do what? But if he wants to do it, then… All he could manage after a bewildered pause was, "That's OK. I don't mind if you…that is, I'm OK with…with whatever you want to do." And even though he'd already realized it, Axel couldn't help the amazement in his voice as he spoke. Jesus, this is embarrassing…
Finally, blue eyes looked up at him…and Axel's mind went blank with distress at the confusion and pain filling Roxas' expression. Why is he upset? If we both want the same thing… "You don't get it at all, do you, Ax?" The sad whisper barely reached him.
"Get…what?" The redhead blinked cluelessly at his friend, unable to keep up with the conversation. He thought he had just figured out that they were both OK with this new relationship…which should be a good thing! But for some reason it was very, very bad…or at least Roxas seemed to think so. Did I miss something?
The whisper continued, after a pause, slowly gaining strength as Roxas spoke against the slow welling of tears in blue eyes. "I can't do this. I…you know I would do anything to help you, but this…" Roxas took a deep breath. "I can't be your comfort until you find another woman, Ax. I wish I could help but…but I just can't be satisfied with that. So I have to stop now, before we go too far…because I still want to be your friend. I don't want to lose what we've always had. But if we do this now, then when it's over…I won't be able to let go. I'll ruin everything, in the end…because of my feelings for you…"
As much as he didn't want to stop Roxas – even if he was only getting more and more confused and worried as the blond spoke – he had to cut in there. Because Roxas had said something that he really, really needed to know about. "How's that?" Roxas stopped, and Axel swallowed. "You…how do you feel about me? What do you mean?"
Helplessness washed over the young man's face…then pain again. Just pain. Roxas hesitated, but Axel waited. He wasn't dropping this question or taking it back.
"You…you already know. How I'm in love with you…how I've loved you all this time. I told you already that I…I love you so much…!"
The ice block in Axel's stomach suddenly flipped over and thawed, a shiver running over his skin as he felt heat rush to his face. Oh…oh. He tried to answer, but his throat felt blocked, stuck. So he does, then. He…wow. Oh fucking…why am I so happy?
But Roxas was continuing, still upset. "And I'm sorry, I just…it's my fault and I can't help it, but if you can ever forgive me…I want to stay your friend. At least. And you won't have to worry about…I won't… I mean, anyway, for now, I just think I need some distance and a little time to fix this. Sorry. I'm sorry…and…bye, Axel."
Most of that hadn't made much sense to Axel, and the prolonged confusion was beginning to wear him out. The words carried vague impressions – things that didn't connect together or add up properly. But the impressions reached him – Roxas was in love with him, and Roxas was leaving. In fact, now Roxas was leaving, backing up quickly and turning away and trying to hurry to the stairs and away from Axel. Trying to escape, huh?
"Roxas. Stop…"
Steps faltering and stopping, Roxas just stood there, back toward Axel. The redhead leaned tiredly against the door frame, forehead bumping the wooden surface. "Come back…" He added, then stretched an arm toward Roxas' stiff back, waving weakly. "Come back." When Roxas still didn't move for a moment – Trembling? Is he…? – Axel spoke again, trying to force a little firmness into his voice. "Get back here, Roxas. Don't run away from me." The redhead squeezed his eyes shut, trying to clear his mind of the dazed confusion and hoping like crazy that Roxas would listen and come back to him on his own. He didn't want to have to chase the guy. He didn't want to force Roxas anymore.
A soft voice that was almost a whimper spoke, and Axel opened his eyes to see Roxas standing in front of him again. "What." The question was flat. Kind of…hopeless.
Suddenly, Axel realized he didn't know where to begin. He barely understood what was going through Roxas' head, so how could he figure out what to say to straighten this mess out and keep Roxas from leaving? He looked down at the shorter blond for a minute – Roxas was still not meeting his eyes – and felt kind of…giddy. Giddy and happy, because…Roxas loved him. He did. And it was such a good and complicated feeling, because he was also frustrated and at a loss and didn't know what to do with this little guy who meant the world to him and always had, and who was now turning his world upside-down and making everything new and strange and still somehow fitting comfortably into the deepest heart of it all – the center of Axel's world. The redhead let out a sudden sigh, looking at him. He should probably start with something he could tell Roxas. Something the blond needed to know.
"Roxas…I'm sorry. I didn't know." Blue eyes stayed downward, and Axel wondered if he understood. "That night…um, the first time…I, um, don't really remember all the details. I was a little too drunk. I remember most of it but…but not what you just told me." Finally, that blue gaze shot up, startled and blinking at him. "I didn't know it was like that for you," Axel concluded. "I didn't think you really cared about me. I thought maybe it was just a fling for you. I'm…I'm really sorry. I wouldn't have done…those things…if I'd known."
Blue eyes held relief…and just a little bit of something else. Not still sad? Or is it…disappointment? Axel wasn't sure, but Roxas just nodded. "I understand. I'm…glad. Thank you. And…it's OK. It'll…it'll be OK. I'll be fine, we can still go back to being friends…"
Wait wait wait. Axel frowned. We're still not understanding something here… "Is that what you really want?" Can't be…you just said you're in love with me! Don't you want…more than that? "Roxas?"
Blue eyes were darting away again, hiding. "Of course. You're…you're my best friend, Ax. I don't want you disappearing from my life. I'll do anything to make it work…I'll fix it, you don't need to worry…"
"No." Axel cut his rambling friend off. He was finally beginning to get an idea of where Roxas was coming from. And he ignored the flash of fright and hurt in those blue eyes…for now. He couldn't let Roxas talk like that.
"What? But…can't we…?"
"No, Roxas." Thoughts finally congealing, Axel just let them out. Just spoke exactly what he was thinking. "That's not a good idea. You want more than that, don't you?" An idea occurred to him. "Actually…if you've always been in love with me…haven't you always wanted more? Haven't you been suffering this whole time?" The idea made his stomach turn a little sickly. "I'm not going to let you go back to being unhappy, just for my convenience. And…" Axel realized something else. "…you haven't asked at all about what I want. Why are you assuming I want to just go back to the way we were?"
Those eyes were definitely looking at him now. Roxas was gaping at him, looking utterly speechless for a moment. "Why? Because…because…you're not…I mean…" Roxas blinked rapidly. "OK. What do you want, Ax?"
Axel felt one corner of his mouth twitch up a little at that. Roxas just looked so funny! Still leaning on the door frame, he answered quietly, "I dunno…but I've been thinkin' about it, and I don't think I really wanna go back to being just buddies anymore. I dunno what it is exactly, but…I think I might want more than that, too. At least…I definitely don't want to lose you. Not now, not ever." He searched blue eyes, hoping Roxas got the importance of that point. "So…can't you just stick around a bit and…give us a chance?"
If possible, Roxas looked even more baffled. "Us? But…but…you're straight!"
Chuckling at that – seriously, he couldn't help it, he'd never seen Roxas look so hilariously dumbfounded – Axel answered, "Well, yeah, I thought so…but I've done some pretty not-straight things lately, wouldn't you say?" Roxas just blushed brighter than a stop light. Heh…that's so cute… Axel couldn't help reaching out a little, but he wasn't quite confident enough to touch Roxas yet. He slipped two fingers behind a duffel bag strap and tugged slightly. "You're a really bad influence, you know? Not that I mind…" The slight grin lingered as he looked at Roxas. Poor guy looked so confused…
"You…you don't?" But even if he looked confused and uncertain, there was a note of trembling hope in his voice, and Axel just watched him, wondering how he could have been so stupid for all those years and never noticed what an adorable guy his best friend was.
"Nope," he smiled. "Don't mind. Actually, in case you couldn't tell…I really like being this way with you." He watched Roxas swallow at that, and tugged again on that strap, this time a little harder…pulling Roxas that one step nearer, bringing them close…close enough to kiss. Ooh, good idea… Once he'd thought of it, Axel didn't have the slightest idea of resisting. He just leaned down and did it – gently pressing his lips to Roxas' and staying there for a moment. Wow. He feels so good. Axel marveled at the soft feeling, realizing that this was the first time he'd kissed Roxas while sober. All the details were so much clearer. Roxas' lips, Roxas' nose bumping his face a little, Roxas' bangs tickling his forehead…and Roxas' taste, as Axel pushed slowly past unresisting lips with a soft lick – he tasted so good. And Axel had already known that, but without the taste of alcohol in the way, muddling things, Roxas was…truly delicious. Axel sighed and pushed a little deeper, moving his mouth in a slow caress. Roxas still hadn't responded – he was tense with surprise but he wasn't resisting. And then the space between them finally became more than Axel could tolerate, and the redhead moved forward and let his hands slip around his best friend, trailing over ribs and around to Roxas' back, pulling him in and pressing him close.
That was when Roxas responded. He leaned in and kissed back, haltingly at first, then all at once a moment later, pressing himself into Axel's arms and kissing him hungrily. Arms wrapped around his neck and Axel was happy, and duffel bags bumped the door frame, jostling them both a little, and Axel smiled, but he kept kissing Roxas because…because he wanted to, and Roxas clearly wanted to, and it would be OK. We can figure this out.
When they finally separated, Axel found himself staring at Roxas' flushed, dazed face, thinking only, He's so cute, he's so sexy, he's so…so lovely. Not that Roxas looked girly – Axel wasn't making that mistake, there was no way he could – but he just couldn't think of the right words to describe his feeling of fascination in this moment. Fascination with Roxas. So weird… But good. Not scary or confusing anymore.
Roxas' voice was weak. "You…you kissed me."
Axel grinned. "No shit, Sherlock," he murmured fondly.
Blue eyes blinked once. "Are you drunk?"
Axel snorted. He's too damn cute…who knew? Then he leaned in quick and kissed Roxas again, slipping his tongue in briefly before pulling back and winking. "Do I taste like I've been drinking?"
A slow head shake. "No…more like…toothpaste." A basic of recovering from a morning of puking – clean teeth. Axel had brushed them before his nap.
"And you taste like coffee," the redhead replied, still smiling. "So, nobody's drunk. Glad we got that cleared up."
"But then… I don't get it." The blond's face was nearly blank…but at least he didn't look distressed anymore. And that little spark of hope was still there, not daring to come out, but hiding in blue eyes and waiting. Waiting for something sure, something to depend on.
Which was a lot to ask of a guy who, until today, still had had absolutely no idea what he wanted. Still, Axel had also had a chance to think – a little – and some things were certain. Roxas loved him, God oh God oh God. Axel definitely wanted to stay with Roxas, not lose him. And he liked doing these things with Roxas – the things lovers did. He didn't care anymore about Roxas being a guy, not really. And maybe Axel still didn't know if he was in love with Roxas…but that could come later. When had he ever been in love when he started dating someone, anyway? Part of the fun was slowly getting closer to the one he liked and falling in love with them. And really, it wouldn't be bad to fall in love with Roxas. It might even be…wonderful.
"How 'bout this then?" Axel finally answered, voice soft as he looked at his best friend. "Roxas…would you be my…uh, boyfriend?" His cheeks felt a little warm, saying that. Damn it. Roxas' cheeks, however, put his own awkward blush to shame. The blond flushed all the way down his lovely, bruised – Bruised? Oh! Oh man… – neck, stammering helplessly for a minute before he managed an answer.
"How…how can you say that? You…you like women. You can't want me…"
A frustrated sigh escaped the redhead…but he wasn't mad. He couldn't blame Roxas for being confused, not after the way he'd been acting. Not when this was the first time they'd really talked about any of this. "Hey now," he interrupted, "don't go deciding for me. I can want you if I want you. What's so hard to believe about that anyway? Do I have to take you to bed right now and prove to you that I want you?" He arched an eyebrow at wide blue eyes. "Because I'll do it, Mister. Don't think I won't. I'll drag you into your bedroom right this minute and strip your clothes off and push you down and make love to you until you believe me if that's what it takes. Got it?"
A neighbor appeared from the stairwell and walked past them. Roxas looked like he might die of embarrassment. Axel turned a bit red himself, before mumbling, "Maybe you better come inside your apartment. Come on…"
When the door was shut behind them and they were alone again – in private – Axel turned to Roxas once more, taking some of the baggage he was still carrying. "Put your bags down already, here." He set aside the duffel and grabbed another bag from the obedient, dazed-looking blond. "Now, then," Axel continued when Roxas was unburdened, "are we going to your bedroom, or are you just gonna believe me?"
Reddening again, Roxas looked down and mumbled, "Are you…serious?"
"Hell yeah, I'm serious." It was getting easier to say these things. Just a little. Maybe because the cat was out of the bag now. Or maybe because Axel finally thought he knew what he wanted. The idea of dating Roxas, now that it had occurred to him, was looking nicer and nicer, and not nearly as scary as the vague, undefined, and highly sexual relationship that they had started.
"You…want a relationship with me?" A nervous, hopeful gaze darted up for a moment. He's shy…that's so weird. And cute…
"Got a problem with that?" Axel reached forward and touched Roxas' hand, wrapping his fingers around the blond's and tugging forward a little. Roxas shook his head quickly, but didn't look up. His voice lowering a little, getting serious again, Axel added, "Roxas…I really am sorry. About doing those things when I was drunk. I shouldn't have…like that…and I'm sorry if I hurt you." It really needed to be said. Because…if he really felt that way all this time…I definitely hurt him. I have to make it better.
Roxas finally looked up, and there were tears in his eyes and his nose was a little red, but he wasn't crying. He took a deep breath and answered, "Yeah…you did. But…it's OK. It's OK now. If…if you're really serious…"
There was a painful twist in Axel's chest – the redhead was beginning to understand just how hard all this had been on his best friend. "Yeah. I am. If you'll have me." He grinned weakly. "If you think you can put up with having a stupid drunkard like me for a boyfriend."
Choking suddenly, Roxas laughed. It was a weak and helpless laugh, but there was relief and happiness in those moist blue eyes, and Roxas was leaning against him, laughing, squeezing his hand. "You dumbass," he chuckled through the tears leaking onto Axel's shirt, "You big, brainless…ass…" Roxas sniffled, and Axel wrapped his arms around the smaller frame. "I love you," the blond whispered into Axel's shirt. "I've always…loved you."
It was downright funny how lightheaded and happy Axel felt as he pulled his best friend and new lover away to look at him to speak, smiling but trying to make sure things were clear. "Roxas…I like you a lot. But give me time, OK? To get used to this and everything…can you? I don't want to hurt you again, but if you can wait a little…I don't want to say anything before I'm sure. Is that OK?"
To his relief, Roxas nodded vigorously, smiling and wiping tears from his cheeks. "Of course. I never thought there was any chance at all…of course I can wait. If I can stay with you…take as long as you need."
Pulling him close again, Axel just hugged Roxas. And it felt so good, so perfect and right, like they fit together. We'll definitely be OK.
"Are you sure you believe me though? Sure I don't need to show you anyway?" Roxas looked up at him blankly for a moment…then blushed.
"You mean about wanting me?"
"Mmm-hmm." Axel half hoped Roxas would give him an excuse…
Still blushing, the blond evaded his gaze. "I'm half tempted to become very hard to convince…"
"I could definitely convince you though…if you needed proof." He couldn't help grinning at his…his lover. It was still so weird…and thrilling. He wanted Roxas. Roxas. He wanted his best friend so much…but right now, as much as he liked flirting like this and as much as he meant what he said…it probably wasn't a good idea. He wasn't drunk now, and he could think, and if he was starting a real relationship with Roxas, it was probably a good idea to back off on the sexual stuff for a while. Slow down. After all, they had time.
So as Roxas hesitated, he leaned down, brushing blond bangs away and kissing his forehead. "Maybe you can take it on faith for a while, though. We don't need to rush."
Blue eyes searched his, and Roxas seemed to understand. He relaxed, smiling slightly. "Yeah…" Then he grinned, hugging Axel again. "Now I know you're sober."
Squeezing the smaller body, Axel grinned. "Yup. Absolutely."
Roxas' answer was muffled by Axel's shirt. "I'm so happy."
~o~
