I'd like to give a shoutout to "Suitor LP" for doing a fantastic dramatic reading of chapter 43 from Sonic the Hedgehog: Defender of America. Go check out their Youtube channel!
I AM PROUD TO ANNOUNCE THAT I HAVE BEEN HIRED TO WRITE FOR THE UPCOMING FILM "GRÖWN ÜPS 3." HIDEAKI ANNO IS SLATED TO DIRECT.
In an age where the influence of Communism is stronger than ever, once righteous Americans are turning towards the dark teachings of Larry the Cable Guy and his Backstreet Boys… but what does it take for a patriot to forsake his country and American freedom?
Crazy Frog is not the man he once was.
Like all of the Backstreet Boys, he was once a proud American warrior fighting for the glory of his country. However, everything changed when the fifty-million year war between the Americans and the Communists broke out. When the time of George Washington closed in and the age of Marxism began.
In the history of the patriotverse, there had never been a conflict that was so tragic and so costly. No survivors, be they American or Communist, left that hellish battleground unchanged. It is said that the horror, the mindless rage, and the unending bloodshed of that horrible war had the power to turn even the most righteous frogs… crazy.
Before his descent into madness, Crazy Frog's name was Kermit. He lived a simple life in the swamp with his wife, Tsuyu Asui, and his infant son, Pepe. They didn't have much, but they were never unhappy. Kermit spent his peaceful days sitting on a log and playing his banjo in the surrounding countryside. He dreamt of one day using his talents to become a famous musician to help support his family, valuing their happiness above all else.
"...The lovers, the dreamers, and me!" Kermit took a bow as he finished his latest composition. Tsuyu clapped her hands, "Ribbit! That's your best one yet, Kermie. And I think the baby liked it, too." Pepe happily gurgled and shook his rattle in response.
Kermit let out a hearty laugh as he embraced his family, "It's not easy being green, but it's much easier with you two by my side. A Muppet like me doesn't deserve to be blessed with such a great family!"
Kermit's voice went silent as the ground beneath his feet suddenly began to shake wildly. The frog dropped his banjo in the lake as he hearkened upon the sound of an explosion in the distance, confirming his worst fears.
Kermit stared up at the sky in horror as a fleet of Communist battlecruisers hovered overhead, blotting out the sun and covering the earth below in a shroud. "Get the baby inside, Tsu! And whatever you do, don't come out until I make sure it's safe!" Kermit shouted over the uproar. The Communist forces began firebombing a nearby city situated a few miles away from the swamp, annihilating its entire population in mere seconds.
Kermit gagged on the smoke in the air as he ran to survey the damage from the attack. "The Communists did this… but why? We aren't at war with them, we've lived in peace for generations!" He croaked, still in shock. A dark wind blew as Kermit ambled through the desolate, deathly quiet streets of the usually bustling town in search of any survivors.
A single tear ran down Kermit's face as he beheld the flaming ruins of the Muppet Theater, the place where he had spent much of his childhood and honed his craft. As he walked through the ravaged stage inside, he could almost faintly hear the laughter and cheering that would always accompany his performances. But now, this place that once brought joy to so many was as lifeless and silent as a grave. Kermit, however, did not pity Miss Piggy's death. That bitch thot got what she deserved.
Not long after this tragic incident, the Americans and the Communists officially waged war against each other. Kermit was forced to make the most difficult decision of his life when he decided to leave his loved ones behind and fight for the glory of his country with his fellow capitalists. On that fateful day, he vowed to prevent the Communists from ever bringing harm to his family, nor to the families of his pious kinsmen.
MOON YEAR 1488 (Muromachi Period)
"Wocka wocka wocka, motherfuckers! God bless America!" Fozzie Bear cried as he opened fire with his minigun and mercilessly ripped through all of the enemy soldiers heading his way. Demolitions-expert Kermit the Frog dove for cover as he detonated all of the C-4 explosives he had laid, lighting up the survivors of Fozzie's fuckferocious onslaught and blowing them away.
Animal — the berserker of the fearless Muppet squadron — shrugged off countless bullet wounds as he viciously tore through the Cultural Marxist armies and bathed himself with their unholy uterine fluids and daemonic osseous remnants. Kermit and Fozzie fought side by side with their chainsaw guitars in-hand, making short work of Leon Trotsky's cadre of cybernetically enhanced Communist incels.
With nowhere left to run and only a scant few soldiers left, Trotsky and his wicked followers were forced to withdraw from the battlefield. Dr. Bunsen Honeydew unleashed his newest chemical weapons upon the Marxist lord's secret manufacturing facility, dealing him a crushing blow by ensuring that he and his men could never again return to this distant American planetoid.
While the Muppet platoon cheered and celebrated their latest victory, Kermit stayed secluded inside of his barracks. He stared longingly at a picture of his family, dreaming of better days. "It's been so long now since I've left them. Pepe was just a toddler back then, would he even recognize me when I come back? Did I really make the right choice by leaving them?" He pondered. He then pinched his brow and let out a long, hard sigh.
"Hey, rookie! C'mon, this is a party. Let's hotbox this place! You won't ever have any fun if you stayed holed up in this moldy old room all day," Fozzie Bear called out, interrupting Kermit's train of thought.
The frog shook his head. "I'm fine here, really. I'd probably just ruin everyone else's good time if I joined them. Go on without me!" Kermit insisted. Sonic the Hedgehog goes on a bold crusade to remove xenoestrogens from his diet.
Fozzie laughed heartily and shook his head. "Wocka wocka! No can do, Kermit-dono. You've gotta let loose and get tore up every once in a while! You'll never be happy if all you do is stare at that old photo all day. Come 'ere, I'll introduce you to the boyz n' the hood!" He said. Despite Kermit's insistence, Fozzie lifted the frog over his head and carried him outside by force. Steve Buscemi begins inexplicably referring to women as "roasties."
"What do you think you're doing, Fozzie? Put me down already, you mayonnaise midget motherfucker!" Kermit snarled as he wriggled free from the bear's grasp. Immediately after Kermit landed on his head, Gonzo whipped out a new keg of beer and handed the dazed frog a drink.
The unidentifiable creature smirked, "You really saved our asses out there today, ya crazy-ass frog. Drink up, you're one of the team now!"
"This… this is all for me?" Kermit asked, taken aback by the kindness of his fellow patriots. The Americans all raised their mugs and guffawed with raucous laughter.
Fozzie beamed and held up his drink, "Alright, let's give a toast to the ballsy Muppet rookie who single-handedly took down a thousand Commies today! Here's to a successful battle, and to the future of our glorious country! Fuck yeah, America!"
This brotherhood of righteous Americans all sat shirtless around a gasoline fire, passing around a hookah pipe and celebrating in the traditional way of their forefathers. Kermit joined his fellow Muppets in joyous song, pouring out his heart and hormonal teen frustrations as he played a furious riff on his banjo.
"Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection! The lovers, the dreamers, and me!" Kermit cried out with a death metal screech. Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem added their musical accompaniment to the frog's screamo performance, joining him as he sang a tearful tribute to the family he left behind.
For the first time since he left his swamp all those years ago, Kermit no longer felt the need to constantly keep up his guard and seclude himself from others. He had finally found a place where he belonged.
MOON YEAR 2004 (Heisei Period)
After a costly war of attrition that lasted for dozens of generations, the final battle between the Americans and Communists was about to begin. After discovering the location of Wolfschanze — the current base of operations for the dark wizard, Karl Marx — Abraham Lincoln mobilized a fleet of ten-billion Americans to bring down the socialist homeworld and put an end to the war.
Blood and soot rained from the sky as the Muppet squadron charged towards the Communists' stronghold. Kermit the Frog fired a ballistic missile into the doors leading into Karl Marx's hells of iron, the sole means of access and egress into this legendary citadel. The besotted Muppet stood aghast, finding that his strongest weapons had little effect against the heavily reinforced entranceway.
Flanked on all sides by an army of bald eagles, Honest Abe hurled himself into the gates of Wolfschanze and instantly shattered the doors of this impenetrable citadel. Abraham Lincoln and the fearless Biker Brethren then led the charge into the streets of the fortress city.
Behind them trailed the mightiest patriotic force ever assembled in the entire history of George Washington and the Americaverse, consisting of Kermit the Frog, Fozzie Bear, and innumerable millions of other puissant American warmasters like them. As foretold in legend, it was metal as fuck.
The death of Adolf Hitler and Karl Marx's defeat marked the beginning of a new age for the Americaverse. After many long and grueling days, the battle — and the war itself — drew to a close. Like they had done so many times in the past, the Muppet squadron celebrated with their usual drunken, minimally-clothed festivities.
"Are you sure you don't want to join the party, Kermit-dono? You'll never get a chance like this again!" Fozzie asked, stopping Kermit as he headed back to his tent.
The frog smiled and shook his head, "For once, I think I'll pass. I'm exhausted after everything that happened today. You enjoy the celebration, Fozzie. I'm going to go get some rest."
The bear shrugged his shoulders, "Alright, I won't try an' stop you. Your loss, Kermit!" Fozzie turned his head as he caught sight of Robin the Frog heading towards him. The young amphibian was an orphan of the war that his platoon had encountered and took in during one of their previous conflicts. Ever since, Robin had become a valued member of the team that was eager to assist in any way he could.
"Mister Fozzie, mister Fozzie! Look at what I found on the way here!" Robin jumped for joy and held out his hands, showing him a care package he discovered in the smoking rubble of Karl Marx's domain. Fozzie Bear reeled back in shock, instantly recognizing what the young frog had unearthed.
The bear trembled with fear as he spoke, "Robin… put that thing down and step back, slowly and carefully! Commies always leave traps like these scattered around on the battlefield, waiting for some idiot desperate enough to come along and open them up. That thing is rigged to explode any minute now, it's a BOMB!"
Fozzie's warning came far too late. The explosives inside detonated as Robin cracked open the seal on the package, blowing his small body to pieces and sending the Americans' camp up in flames. Kermit woke up from his bed in a cold sweat, roused by the tumult of the massive explosion sounding from just outside his tent. Despite his best efforts, Alex Jones can't get the frogs to stop turning gay.
His knees buckled and all of the color drained from his face as he beheld the gruesome sight. "No… no no no NO! Dear Washington, this can't be happening! It can't be, not after all we've been through!" He cried. Tears gushed down Kermit's face as he cradled Fozzie's mangled, scorched body in his arms.
"Ker… Kermit-senpai, y-you're alright? That… that's good to hear. I'm glad. Kermit-senpai… w-where are my fuckin' legs?" Fozzie Bear rasped in a weak voice. Kermit began bawling harder than ever, desperately trying to stifle the flow of blood gushing from Fozzie's half-shredded torso.
The frog wiped the tears from his eyes and forced himself to smile, "Don't… don't you worry about that, Fozzie! We're gonna fix you up, you'll be as good as new in no time! You just need to hold on a little longer. I'll go find some help!" Fozzie tightened his grip on Kermit's arm, stopping him before he could leave.
He sighed and slowly shook his head, "Kermit… there's nobody else here but us. If someone else survived, don't you think we would have heard something by now? T-They're all gone, Kermit-senpai…" Kermit bit down hard on his tongue just to stop himself from screaming as he trudged through the ruins of his platoon's campsite, finding only death no matter where he looked.
Unable to hold back his grief over the deaths of his NEET brethren any longer, his trembling legs gave way and he fell to the dirt. Kermit beat his skinny fists against the ground and wept bitterly, "This… this can't be happening! This has got to be some kind of terrible dream! That's it, a dream! This is all a dream! I'm still asleep, none of this is real!"
"K-Kermit-senpai… I want you to promise me something, alright? Promise me that you'll go back to your swamp and be with your family again. We all have people waiting for us at home, Kermit. Since none one us will live to return to our families, you of all people deserve to see them again!" Fozzie pleaded.
"Don't talk like that, Fozzie. You're going to make it through this, you have to! We… we'll both make it out of here alive! That's a promise!" Kermit insisted, although he knew what he said wasn't true.
Fozzie Bear smiled contently and rested his head on the grass. Blood trickled down his lip as he chuckled at the kindness of his friend, "Take care of yourself, ya crazy frog. Forgive me for this, but I'm goin' to go on ahead without you, Kermit-senpai. Wocka… wocka…"
"Fozzie…? FOZZIIIIIIIIEEE!" Kermit let out a pained scream until his voice went hoarse. His eyes protruded unnaturally from his head, and his skin took on an unhealthy, ashy blue tone. Unable to cope with the trauma of his squadrons' demise, Kermit entered into a catatonic state and shut himself off from the rest of the world. He buried his head between his legs and wept silently, all alone.
MOON YEAR 2005 (Heisei Period)
After many longs months of rehabilitation, Kermit was finally deemed well enough to return to the outside world. The frog dismounted from his motorcycle and took a deep breath, savoring the fresh air of his swampland home. Kermit dropped his backpack and eagerly rushed to knock on the door of his bungalow located deep in the marsh.
"Alright, alright, I'm coming! Hold your horses. Wait a minute, just who the hell are you?" Instead of his beloved family, Kermit was greeted at the door by an elderly gay couple — Statler and Waldorf. Taken aback by the appearance of the two strangers in his home, Kermit double-checked his map to make sure that he arrived at the right place.
Kermit stood at a loss for words, "Wait, who are you? This is my house, you're not supposed to be here! What happened to Tsu and Pepe?"
The elderly Muppets turned to each other, unsure of how to respond. "Who is this edgy faggot, anyway?" Waldorf whispered into his partner's ear.
"Where the hell have you been, kid? This entire area has been a battleground for the past dozen or so years. If anyone ever did live in this place, they'd be long dead by now. Nobody could have survived that last chemical bomb that got set off. This place had been empty for months when we moved here. Now get lost!" Statler explained, and then slammed the door shut in Kermit's face.
"Wha… What?" Kermit spoke in a broken voice, barely above a whisper. He froze in place and his entire world came to a standstill. He stood at the doorstep of his home for what seemed like hours, still maintaining the same dumb grin on his face. A small part of him still expected Tsuyu and Pepe to throw open the door at any minute and tell him that everything he had just heard was all a part of some cruel joke.
And so Kermit waited. He waited day and night, through rain and snow. "Any minute now! I'll see them again, I just have to wait and be patient! They'll be here!" He thought. He kept waiting. And waiting. Life carried on, but his family never came back.
Kermit's hands trembled as he lifted up his banjo. His tears dripped onto the strings of his instrument as he played, trickling off and collecting in the river beneath where he sat. Kermit was truly inconsolable. "Why are there so many songs about rainbows? And what's on the other side…" He began to perform the song he had composed for his family, ululating harder than ever.
"Rainbows are visions
But only illusions
And rainbows have nothing to hide
So we've been told
And some choose to believe it
I know they're wrong, wait and... bing bing
Someday we'll find it, the... ring ding ding bem bem!"
The frog's words became less and less comprehensible the longer he sang. Kermit's blubbering quickly devolved into twisted, pained screams as his song neared its end. He raked his fingernails down his cheeks and wailed with anguish, desperately begging for his suffering to end. His psyche now broken beyond repair, Crazy Frog threw back his head and shrieked without restraint at the sky, "A ram da am da am da am da weeeeeaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAH!"
"War is an awful thing. Wouldn't you agree?" An unfamiliar voice came from behind Crazy Frog's back. The stranger took a seat next to the grieving frog, nonchalantly scarfing down a handful of Prilosec OTC capsules. "Not gonna talk, huh? After what happened here, I can't blame you. My name's Larry the Cable Guy. I, too, have experienced the horrors of this war first-hand. Don't you agree that peace would be preferable?" He asked.
The frog continued to stare off into the distance, not really paying any attention to what the man had to say. Larry rose to his feet, and his long, unkempt hair blew wildly in the wind. As Crazy Frog gazed upon this stranger with the sun silhouetted behind him, he couldn't help but see this man as somehow both solemn and beautiful. Truthfully, the unearthly character appeared more like a seraph than a mere mortal man.
Although he had only just met him, Crazy Frog felt an indescribable spiritual connection with Larry the Cable Guy. The towering figure thinly smiled and reached out his hand, "I wish to bring peace to the Americaverse so that no tragedy such as this can ever befall our beautiful country again. By any means necessary, even if it means employing the methods of our enemy, I will make this peace a reality. Will you join me as we journey towards the light, Crazy Frog?"
Without hesitation, Crazy Frog took his hand and sealed his fate. The age of the Backstreet Boys was about to begin.
