Why on earth is suicide selfish?

You guys don't know anything at all. It's selfish from your point of view, but you guys are being selfish for not considering things from my perspectives too. Not like you particularly needed me anyway, so why are you keeping me in your life? You just wanted to keep me to make your life more complete and make yourself feel better. But I don't feel good at all. I feel trapped in my own body. Every single moment of my life I am haunted by the demons in my head. They make my life such a living hell. Every single moment of my life I am screwing up. Tell me, how am I suppose to coexist with the one person that I hate the most, aka me? You guys laugh and smile and live every single day, free of such intense feelings. You simply don't understand. I cannot tolerate living with myself, I need a way out. If you really loved me and understand me, you will let me go, You will let me a chance to escape from myself.

Why on earth is self-harm screwed up?

Why are you judging me with those eyes of yours when you see the scars on my wrists and the protruding collar bones, or the thick eyes bags under my eyes? Am I an alien, a freak? I am a human being too, just that my source of pleasure is slightly different from you guys. I enjoy torturing, taking revenge on the person I hate. Aka myself. Don't you enjoy the sensation you get when you see the one you hate the most suffer because of your action? Like you are in control of how your enemies feel? Even if it's at the cost of your life? That's the same for me too. So don't you dare judge me and my scars. These scars, they deserve to be there. Those signs of malnourishment? This body vessel that you are seeing doesn't even deserve to be alive. He is just alive because he doesn't have the guts to implode his head with a gun. Nor the heart to further diminish the hopes of his parents, not after they made such a hefty investment on him. For now, he will try to live as peacefully as possible with himself. He will try to live on because he has the obligation as a filial son to fulfil.

But he has no idea how long will this obligation bind him to this earth. One day, he might lose his mind and heck all the cares in the world.

One day, if he can no longer carry the burdens of having to live on, he may ,for once, do something for himself. End himself.

Perhaps suicide is selfish after all. But the suicidal person is never selfish.


Dear notebook, I am telling you all these because there is no one i can tell this too. I think my parents will be so disappointed if they were to hear of this. They slogged so hard and got themselves into debt because of me. If only i didn't injure myself things would have been fine. I cannot afford to disappoint them anymore. The least I could do is to support them till they are gone, just like how they have supported me as i grew. That's probably the only reason why I am sticking around on this earth. If i were to talk to the others, they will probably think of me as a creep. Or perhaps they might take it upon themselves to care for me. There's no way I am going to further burden others anymore.

I am starting to have second doubts on whether I should keep this notebook. From that close encounter with Buchou, I realised that it's quite easy for people to chance upon this notebook and if they are nosey enough, they may delve into the content. Then I am ruin. There's no way I am going to allow other people to interfere with my life. However life will be so much difficult without you, my sole confidant. Hence, I have decided. Should any one day anyone open up this notebook and figure out it's me, that's the day i will kill myself, regardless of my decision to stay alive for my parent's sake. I dont know why I am telling you all these but, sigh. I guess I am really going mad with every day passing.

Signing off, Ryoma.