Chapter IX: Scourge

*I know it's been a while. I'm sorry. Also, I am aware that a lot of this chapter will be review to you.*

Carlisle thought briefly, wondering where to begin. "I was born in Britain in the mid-1600s. My father was an Anglican minister. He so frequently reminded me that those who were not part of the army of God were a scourge upon the earth. In accordance with this theory, he began hunting down 'unholy creatures' in the name of the Lord. He trained me to do the same, and I reluctantly resumed his job when he died. I, unlike my father, was successful. I was able to find a true coven of our kind in the sewers, and they attacked. My attempt at flight was unsuccessful, and I was then transformed.

"It was a difficult thing to come to terms with. I resented my father intensely, and I was disgusted with his actions during his life. However, it was hard to bear the guilt I felt about becoming what he had hated the most. I still felt that it was my duty to bear the yoke he had placed upon me, to bear the responsibilities of guiding the truly faithful and casting out the infidels. Instead, I was denied the warmth of God's light, and was condemned to lurk in the shadows forevermore. At least, those were my thoughts at the time."

Peter and Charlotte listened, engrossed in Carlisle's tale. His soft, gentle voice wove the words in such a way as to ensnare the listener in its web. Even the rest of my family, who had heard the story before, could not help but cling on his every word.

He paused briefly, his soft eyes cast downward with the weight of reflection. He continued, "I recognized myself as a monster, as an unholy creature, and that is why I cast myself out. I isolated myself for the well-being of others. I tried to destroy myself in any way possible, but my efforts were unproductive." I felt a twinge of guilt and shame from Carlisle upon the delivery of his last sentence. Caring. Reassurance. He felt grateful.

"The revelation that changed everything came at my lowest point. I was out of options. I could not destroy myself physically, but I was cracking mentally. I needed to hunt, and badly. I was ready to do the unthinkable, to destroy a human life, when a herd of deer passed. I attacked mindlessly. My thirst was quenched. It was then that I realized that my existence did not have to be spent in isolation. I did not have to become the type of being my father would have sought to annihilate. I decided I would dedicate my life to knowledge and to bettering the quality of the lives of others. Later, I shifted my goal to include finding companionship, and I have had no shortage of that. My priorities have shifted. I now strive to be the best father and husband I can be, and to help as many people as I can as a physician. Devoting my life to helping people brings me joy, and it also gives me a sense of purpose. I can live my life without being a menace to society, and that is much more than my father would have anticipated."

We all sensed that Carlisle's tale had come to a close. While his personal experiences were unique, he told of feelings that were universal to almost everyone of our kind.

"It's hard, sometimes," Peter mused, "to believe that our kind can be good when there are so many accounts to the contrary. You, though, are an extremely benevolent being. You seem like the type of person that anyone should aspire to be."

Carlisle shyly looked away. "You praise me far too highly. My actions are my own attempt at redemption."

"For what?" Charlotte asked, unbelieving.

"It is just as Peter said. I am aware of the negative ideology associated with vampires. I also understand that some of it is well-deserved. I wish to be in the minority. My desire is to retain my humanity and compassion, despite my condition. I suppose it could be said that I am trying to redeem myself for every human life I have ever considered taking."

I wished the only thing I had to redeem myself for was that. Charlotte seemed to be thinking the same thing. "Isn't that a little extreme? It's completely natural for vampires to thirst for humans."

"Yes," Carlisle agreed. "But for Carlisle the person, not Carlisle the vampire, it is not normal. It is simply not in my nature. I would never wish harm upon anyone, and it bothers me that I think such thoughts."

"That's understandable," Peter said. "I feel the same way sometimes. I mean, I am not a killer by nature."

I knew what Carlisle and Peter had meant. However, I felt that it was insensitive. "I am not a natural born killer, either," I snapped. "Did I consider that before I knew it was possible to survive on the blood of animals? Do I consider that when I slip up? Not until afterward. And I have to spend my life paying for the action of killing rather than the thoughts about it."

Everyone turned their attention to me, surprised by my somewhat inappropriate outburst. Carlisle's face was pained. "I'm sorry Jasper… I can't imagine what that must be like. I didn't mean to hurt you." It was clear to me that he wasn't sure what more to say. He felt intensely guilty for flaunting his perfect track record.

"No, I mumbled guiltily. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it." Remorse. Love.

"Remember what I told you, Jasper. We all have our own challenges."

"Right," I agreed, ashamed of myself. And some us have challenges that we are not equipped to handle well, I thought. "Continue."

Thankfully, Emmett steered the attention off of me. "It doesn't matter what drives you to do it. At least not to us."

"That's right," Peter agreed. "It seems that you are quite a moral compass for the family."

Everyone nodded in agreement, except Rosalie, who apparently thought she was too good for a moral compass. Edward shook his head at her.

"I don't know about that," Carlisle said. "I am here to guide my family, but I think they have a solid sense of what is right. I trust them to make their own decisions, and they usually are meticulously responsible in their actions."

"That's because we love you and respect you," Alice chimed in. "We wouldn't want you to be upset or disappointed."

Carlisle smiled adoringly at his daughter. "How could I ever be upset with any of you?" he asked. "I am surrounded with people who make my life worth living. You have all enriched my existence so much that I have no right to be disappointed in you."

I felt overwhelmed. Everyone had always said that Esme was the driving force behind keeping the family together. I suddenly found myself disagreeing. Carlisle's love and forgiveness was so vast that he was willing to accept us despite the mistakes we make. That level of love was something that kept us running back to him every time we needed help.

I found that I could understand his reasoning. We gave him so much happiness that he didn't want to spoil that with negative energy. It seemed like an ideal way to live.

I looked toward Edward, who was gauging the reactions of Peter and Charlotte. He seemed to be hearing the same thing I was feeling from them. Longing. They wished to have that kind of father figure in their lives. They could, if only they wanted to…

Edward's attention turned from them to me. His eyes met mine for a moment, and I thought, I missed them so much.

He nodded discreetly in response. He was clearly worried. Don't worry, I added. I'm not leaving. He smiled slightly, and I felt his relief. I poked a bit of love at him just to emphasize my point.

Peter and Charlotte were eager to know more. We all braced ourselves, wondering who they would question next. Carlisle looked pointedly at Esme. She looked back at him with a hint of amusement in her eyes. "Well, I guess it's my turn," she offered, smiling.