I am an evil person. A terrible, horrible, demented, spiteful, sadistic, WICKED girl. I know it's been over a week. Just attempting to count the days brings an ailment over my head. My mind is practically screaming "YOUR FAULT! ALL YOUR FAULT! HORRIBLE, WRETCHED, INCOMPETENT GIRL!" I must say, I agree. Since I am the kind of person that finds any means necessary to make people believe the fault is not mine, I will list my excuses. One, Alex should never be allowed to buy good books again. Ever. She bought A Great And Terrible Beauty and lent it to me, and it was amazingly good. I LOVED it. It was so distracting that I couldn't write. Then she bought Rebel Angels and lent that to me too, and I just finished it last night. IT WAS SOOOOO GOOD! In case you were wondering, I'm now having a brief panic attack. Literally. My heart's beating so fast I think it may explode from my chest, I'm hyperventilating, and I'm trying as hard as I can to keep the Pop tart I just ate inside my stomach. And now Alex has decided to be evil and read Maximum Ride (the first one, and possibly the second, just to annoy me) and The Crimson Thread (which came out early) before she gives me The Sweet Far Thing. I might push her off a bridge. Anyway, please forgive me, and here's the newest chapter of everyone's favourite reality TV show, The Amazing Adventures Of Aro The Arotastic.
Disclaimer - I am too lowly to own something so holy as the Twilight Series.
Chapter 9: Chaos Theory
Jeff: Welcome back! We've missed you! Or, at least, I have.
Mr. Kittywhale: We apologize for any inconveniences, but the filming producers went on a temporary leave while they searched for the Golden Fleece.
Jeff: Yeah, isn't it weird how our producer's name just happens to be Jason?
Mr. Kittywhale: Weirder than you can imagine. Anyway, we have a new producer for the time being! His name is Pierce, but I like to call him Pee-wee.
Jeff: I won't even ask.
(Scene cuts to a now red-coloured Jillybean, bouncing around furtively and constantly glancing back to glare at a very black-and-purple Emro.)
VampJillybean: When you said "initiation", I didn't quite have this in mind.
Emro: You're the one who wanted me to turn you. We have to test your endurance, patience, physical ability and temper. Especially temper.
VampJillybean: If you don't let me go hunting soon I'll tear those black eyes right from your head!
Emro: Patience, young Ground-Hopper (A/N: Anyone who's seen Thumb Wars will understand the pun intended.). As soon as you get to ten, we'll leave.(VampJillybean is seen jumping from hopscotch square eight to nine, and from nine to ten.)
VampJillybean: All done. TAKE ME NOW!!
(Just then, a very panicky Jane runs into the room, flanked by VampNinjWa and the lead singer from Le Tigre)
Jane: We're being attacked!
VampJillybean: Wow, you leave no time for explanations, do you?
Jane: Shut it, or I'll take away your glitter collection!
VampJillybean: NO! NOT FIRETRUCK!
Jane: Oh yes. Fire Truck shall be mine!
Emro: You were saying, Jane?
Jane: What? Oh, yes, right. I was saying, WE ARE CURRENTLY UNDER ATTACK BY THE FIGMENTS OF YOUR OWN IMAGINATION!
Emro: You mean like the Lord of the Nutcracker Men?
Jane: THE SAME!
Emro: NOT LORD OF THE NUTCRACKER MEN! AND RUMPLESTILTSHOES!
Jane: Rumplestiltshoes?
Emro: Do. Not. Ask.
(They hurry out to the Big Room, where a man in a very sparkly pink leotard, and bunch of nutcracker men, and an extremely short man on extremely tall stilts waits to confront them.)
Lord Of The Nutcracker Men: Nutcracker Men! ATTACK!(Jane leaps forward to meet the Nutcracker Men, but Emro stops her.)
Emro: You must not hurt The Lord of the Nutcracker Men!
Jane: WHY?!
Emro: You'll dirty his leotard!
Jane: And we need to worry about that WHY?!
Emro: Entertainment purposes.
Jane: I won't ask.
VampNinjWa: I have an idea!(He grabs the Lead Singer Of Le Tigre and shoves her in front of him. The Nutcracker Men, Their Lord, and Rumplstiltshoes are all so afraid of her that they flee immediately.)
Emro: Now my dreams have left me! (bites himself in an attempt to be emo)
Random Emo Guy: So, biting's the new cutting? (does hair flip)
Emro: Oh yeah, it's all the rage. (imitates hair flip)
Random Emo Guy: Awesome! I'll go tell my emo buddies! (does one final hair flip and leaves room)
Emro: Yeah. You do that. (flips hair)
Jane: It just occurred to me that we don't know what Jillybean's power is.
Jillybean: I can play the violin while singing "Build God, Then We'll Talk" by Panic! At the Disco and dancing with purple iguanas!
Jane: Interesting…..
VampNinjWa: Awesome!
Jillybean: I know, right?
Bella: Mine's better! (makes waffle) Blast! It's inanimate!
Emro: Haha!
Bella: Shut up, you emo turd!
Emro: That hurt, Bella. That really hurt. You cut me deep.
Bella: Ah, screw you. What do I care?
Emro: (cries)
Bella: Oh, I'm sorry. (makes him plate of waffles)
Emro: Yay! I'm so happy, I'm suddenly un-emo!
Bella: Yay! Can I go now?
Aro: Yeah, sure, go for it.
Bella: Thank Lord. (skips away)
(A huge, mutated butterfly swoops onto Aro's shoulders and flaps wings once)
Aro: Aww, look! It's a cyclone in Africa!
Everyone Else: (blank looks)
Aro: You know, chaos theory? A butterfly flapping it's wings in the U.S. causes a tornado in Afghanistan? Everything you do affects something else? Action and reaction? Choice and consequence? Cause and effect? Does no one read anymore?
VampNinjWa: I'm a waffle. I can't read.
Jane: Reading's for pussies!
VampJillybean: Alexa never gave me Jinx on the Divide (A/N: They tell you all about the chaos theory and a zillion other things you really don't need to know about in that book, and I've been waiting for Jill to read it for the last two years).
Aro: Whatever. Basically, If you hit this butterfly with a baseball bat, there would be MAJOR wind storms in Antarctica!
Alec: (randomly walks in) Awesome!! Let's do it!
(They spend the next…..extremely long time catching butterflies and hitting them with baseball bats)
Newscaster: This just in! Antarctica is suffering from wind storms so extreme, the penguins are finally getting their chance to fly! The walruses are too!
Aro: Wow. We're genius.
Newscaster: And in sports news, it is reported that since the return of the greatest quarterback ever to grace the earth, Number 21, Boismier, the -insert Alexa's football team here-s are having their best season yet! They haven't lost a single game!
VampJillybean: Is it just me, or does that name sound familiar?
Aro: Who knows? Ooh! I want cake!
Jane: Wow, I love our new refrigerator!
Aro: I know, right? Look! When you open it, it randomly quotes Marie Antoinette!
Marie Antoinette Voice: Let them eat cake! (fridge shoots came out)
Jane: Lovely!
(They eat their cakes happily, and as soon as they finish the Italian police burst through the door)
Police Chief: Volturi, you're under arrest!
Aro: Why?
P.C.: Because….we feel like it!
Aro: Come, my slightly deranged cohorts! We must hide!
(They run all over town)
Jane: Where can we possibly hide that they wouldn't find us?!
VampJillybean: Bed, Bath and Beyond!
(They run into Bed, Bath and Beyond, police sirens following their every step, as the camera fades to the White Room)
Jeff: Yay! Another cliffie!
Mr. Kittywhale: We torture you so.
Jeff: Who cares? Annoying people is fun!
Mr. Kittywhale: Until next time…..
Jeff: Tootles!
So, what do you think? It's been a while, and my writing isn't as up to date and natural as it usually is. This chapter was kinda forced. And took me a long time to write. This wasn't the best chapter, but gimme a break. I'm really jumpy and panicky and obsessive. I'm going through withdrawal. It's like Twilight, New Moon and Eclipse all over again! The exact same symptoms, but slightly elevated because Alex knows I want The Sweet Far Thing but is purposely reading The Angel Experiment (Maximum Ride 1) before she finishes it. Yep, definitely pushing her off a bridge. Or possibly Jill's boat. Yes, that will work perfectly! We'll be in a secluded area in the river where no one will know it was me that pushed her! Lovely! If you'd like to help me, feel free to bring anvils. Don't ask, just bring them. Anyway, I hope you'll all find means to forgive me, and I'll try my hardest to get chapters out faster!
Love you all lots!!
Alexa xx
P.S. - Just to let you know, the Le Tigre thing was just because their lead singer scares me.
P.P.S. - The formatting may be weird on this one, only because when I uploaded it something didn't work and it got screwed up. I'll try to figure out what I did wrong for next time.
P.P.P.S. - I HAVE NO SOCKS ON! AND GYPSIES ARE ATTACKING MUSHROOM VALLEY! And surprisingly, though my strange rantings may say otherwise, I am depressed. And it only has a little to do with the fact that I don't have my book.
