Alec wrenched his gaze away from Magnus and pushed his way out of the Gazebo, his breaths coming in short gasps. He ran through the grounds, all the way back to the ballroom where he stopped to take some deep breaths. He pushed his hands through his hair, agonising at what had almost just happened. At what he had wanted to happen…
His heart was still thumping as loudly as it had been when Magnus's lips were a hair's breadth away from his own. It would have been so easy to close the remaining distance between them, to press his mouth softly on Magnus's, to kiss him like he'd wanted to every moment since the first time he'd laid eyes on him.
But he'd bolted instead.
He couldn't kiss Magnus. If he had, he knew somehow, deep down, that he wouldn't be able to stop. It would be a line over which once he'd crossed, the way back would be barred eternally. He'd refrained for so long, kept his feelings locked away in a deep, dark corner of his mind.
For so many years it had been easy, because Magnus hadn't been interested in him. Alec was too shy to instigate anything, to flirt or act suggestively – and Magnus had never shown anything more than platonic inclination toward him.
But now?
He'd leaned in, Alec was sure. Izzy had been telling him that Magnus liked him. Liked him, liked him. Clary thought so too. He had seen the look in Magnus's eyes himself, when he'd almost kissed Lydia.
It was all too easy for him to recognise jealousy; he was well familiar with that particular emotion, after years of watching Magnus's lovers come and go.
That Magnus would ever desire himin that way had been unthinkable.
But now – he wanted it. He wanted it so badly he could feel an invisible force pushing against him, in the direction of the Gazebo he'd just run from.
But Alec could think clearly now. Magnus's intoxicating scent was no longer flooding his brain.
No, his mind was clear as his parents faces swam sharply into view; the rigid lines of the stern expressions they wore by proxy sending cold shivers down his spine.
They disapproved of the smallest of infractions.
What they would say if they ever found out that Alec desired the touch of another boy…the love of a boy, maybe even one day to marry a boy, instead of a girl…he couldn't even imagine.
It had always been some sort of hypothetical future, a hypothetical relationship, a hypothetical falling out with his parents.
But now that future was no longer confined to the distant horizon.
It was tangible, present, within reach.
And it terrified him.
Because he could have everything he'd ever wanted, and he could lose everything he'd ever had.
It was an impasse.
He loved Magnus, he knew that. But he didn't know if he could give up his life for him.
A familiar heaviness settled in his stomach, replacing the butterflies that had been there before. He took one last deep breath and squared his shoulders. Perhaps he could forget this ever happened. Perhaps he could go on as normal.
.
Alec re-entered the ballroom once he'd composed himself, feeling a familiar mask slip into place.
However, he hadn't gone more than a few steps before someone grabbed his arm and he was yanked into a corner.
"What happened?" Izzy's eyes were wide and eager, her grip on Alec bordering on painful. "Where's Magnus?"
He twisted out of her grasp, glaring at her.
"When," he hissed through gritted teeth. "Are you going to stop messing in my life?" He threw all of his pain and anger and irritation with himself into his words, feeling satisfied when her face dropped.
"Alec, I just wanted – "
"I know what you wanted Izzy! But you can't force me to come out ok? I'm not ready for that!"
He was frustrated. He knew she meant well, she always did. But sometimes she was too much for him to handle.
She drew back, looking angry. "I'm not forcing you to come out Alec! I'm trying to get you to admit your feelings!"
"I already did, Izzy."
"Not to the person who matters most!" The intensity in her voice increased. "Alec, I know you're scared. But you're punishing yourself for something that you can't help! I just want you to be okay." She finished, frowning.
"I'm fine!" He insisted. He glanced round the crowded ballroom, spotting Lydia at the refreshments table. "I have to go."
"You can't ignore this forever Alec." Izzy pinned him with a gaze their mother would have been proud of, before she turned and stalked away, as though she couldn't bear to be near Alec anymore.
He sighed, shrugging it off. He couldn't deal with his sister's disappointment in him right now. He made a beeline for Lydia.
"Do you want to dance?" He asked, bluntly, in lieu of a greeting.
She looked surprised but took the hand he held out and allowed him to lead her onto the dance floor.
He'd never danced with anyone before, but he knew how it worked. He placed his hand on her waist, feeling much less awkward than before. He pushed away all other thoughts and concentrated on Lydia in front of him. They swayed and moved backwards and forwards to the soft music that was trickling from hidden speakers.
"So," Lydia said, breaking the silence. "Is…everything okay?"
He tensed. "Of course." His own voice sounded strange and distant. "I'm sorry for being a bad date." He said, voicing his earlier guilt.
She smiled at him, something in her eyes that he couldn't discern. "Don't be."
They swayed for another minute as Alec gathered his courage. If he was going to do this, be this person…he may as well do it right.
"Maybe…maybe we could do this again sometime?" His voice cracked at the end, but he hoped she didn't notice.
She halted, looking up at him curiously. "Do…what?" She asked, genuinely.
He flushed. "Go…out? Again? If you want?"
She was silent, tension filling the space between them.
"Um…I don't think that's a good idea, Alec." She said eventually.
He dropped his hands from her waist, her rejection hitting him even as he was relieved by it.
"Um…okay. Sorry." He turned to go but was stopped by her hand on his arm.
"Alec, I…" she paused, biting her lip. "I meant what I said outside. You're a good guy. But – I saw the way you were looking at Magnus."
He froze, gasping. His heart thudded painfully. He wanted to run, but was held in place by the pressure of her hand.
"Hey, Alec." Her voice was soft, calm, in the way one might speak to a frightened animal. "It's okay. You deserve to be happy."
She was rubbing his arm soothingly, smiling up at him. He could only nod, smiling weakly back.
She let go and turned, after squeezing his arm in farewell. He stood alone in the middle of the dance floor, thinking.
So much had happened that night.
He felt weak, needing to sit down.
.
Magnus stood still in the middle of the Gazebo after Alec left him, the rose petals on the ground seeming to mock him.
He could still feel Alec's breath ghosting over his skin, smelling like mint and fresh strawberries.
He wondered if he would taste the same, like the intoxicating tangy sweetness that had gone straight to his head.
He closed his eyes. He would never know.
Alec had felt something for him, he was sure of it. But he was also sure that he'd scared him off.
He wondered how long Alec had been in the closet for. Both Izzy and Clary had told him that he liked him. Had it been a recent development, or had Magnus been missing the signs for longer..? Was it real now, or did he just want to believe it?
Either way, whatever Alec felt for him he had clearly pushed down so far it was unlikely Magnus would ever be able to pull it out. He wanted to try, more than anything. But what would it cost him? Alec was right, Camille hadbroken him, or at least, she almost had.
It had been Alec, only Alec who had managed to pull him out of that hole. And it was only Alec who could push him in again.
He left the Gazebo, trailing slowly through the moonlit gardens back toward the ballroom. He wasn't sure what he was going to do, just that he had to know. He couldn't bear to let Alec slip away from him, no matter how fast he tried to run away.
But his shaky convictions failed him when he stood poised in the doorway that opened up into the ballroom. There were no tables between him and the dancefloor, and this gave him a clear view of something that made his heart clench painfully.
Alec was on the dancefloor, his hands gripping Lydia's waist. They weren't moving much; he knew Alec wasn't one for dancing. But he was gazing into Lydia's eyes with an openness that cut Magnus like a knife. They looked perfect together, he realised. Matching outfits, Alec's dark head bowed toward Lydia's blonde one…
He had turned before he realised, the compulsion to just gooverwhelming him. He felt tears prickle his eyes as he reached his car, glad that he'd arranged to meet Will, Jem and Tessa at the school.
He jumped inside and started the engine, blinking furiously.
What had he expected?
Alec hadn't promised him anything.
Alec hadn't admitted to anything.
What had he been thinking? Are you in love with Lydia? Of course he probably wasn't, this had been their first date. Who asked a question like that? But just because he hadn't answered, it didn't mean that he didn't likeher.
Clary and Izzy must have been mistaken. He knew how terrible they were for matchmaking; especially Izzy. Clearly she'd suspected her brother might be gay, and thought it would be so romantic if she set him up with his best friend. How cute that would have been.
But just because Alec hadn't dated before, that didn't mean he was gay.
Magnus didn't know what to think anymore.
They might have had a moment in the Gazebo, they might have not. But either way, it didn't matter. Alec was with Lydia, and Magnus was alone. That was how it was meant to be.
He was home before he knew it, and was savagely slamming the car door shut. It wasn't too late and he knew his parents would be waiting up for him so he didn't worry about waking them. He wished they weren't though.
"Magnus?"
Catarina called as soon as he turned his key in the lock.
He didn't answer but she came into the hall anyway.
"You're home early?" She questioned. He was silent, not sure of what excuse to give. Her smile faded as she took him in.
"Magnus, what's wrong?" She moved forward, motherly worry painting a frown on her forehead. He flinched away from her outstretched arm, moving toward the staircase.
"Nothing," he said, his voice sounding detached. He just wanted to be alone. "I'm fine. Just tired."
She looked unconvinced but let him go, hovering in the hallway even after she heard his bedroom door close behind him.
A pair of warm arms encircled her from behind, startling her.
"He'll be okay." Ragnor murmured into her ear. "Give him time. He'll talk when he wants to."
She turned in his embrace, sighing. "I know. He's just seemed…down for a while now."
She wanted to say more but didn't have to; her husband knew better than anyone her perpetual worries when it came to Magnus. They'd been through the trauma together, and he knew that she never stopped thinking about how it had affected him.
"He'll be okay." He repeated, kissing the side of her head.
