'Firsts' written by EmptySky, betaed by Celeste6 and pearlydewdrop
Chapter 09: First time Grace stays with Danny after the separation
Danny 31 years old
Grace 6 years old
"Here we are… Welcome to your secondary residence!"
"What does that mean?"
"It means that you've got two homes, now. One is with your mom, as always, but it can also be with me when you come and visit. Though I should tell you that this place here is just temporary, until I find something nicer."
"Where will you live then, Danno?" Grace asks curiously as she looks up at her father with wide eyes.
"I don't know yet, Monkey, but for now, this will have to do. I want to be as close to you as possible so I rented this room. Did you notice how quickly we were here? It's just down the block from where you live with Mommy."
"Yeah, we were fast! Can we go inside now?"
"Absolutely!" Danny retrieves the keys from the lock and opens the wooden door wide. "There you go."
He lets Grace go in first and follows, locking the door behind them. Danny rattles the handle a few times to make sure they're securely locked in before he's satisfied. He helps Grace out of her jacket and puts it over the back of the old faded armchair.
"You can look around if you want to," Danny says as he takes off his own coat. "I know it's not big, but it's got two beds."
He places his jacket over Grace's and leans against the armchair casually. On the inside he's nervous as he watches his daughter take in the interior of the run-down motel room he moved in earlier this week. It's small and it also smells a bit. Of what, Danny is not sure, but he plans on remedying it with scented candles or air fresheners by the time he goes shopping next. But it's clean, in a rather safe area and it's close to Grace.
At first, Grace just stands rooted to one spot and looks around. There is not much to see, but since this is her first time visiting the place that she knows she will spend some of her time at, and since this is her Danno's new home now, she does not want to miss a single detail. She looks at the tacky picture of Weehawken Water Tower - why anyone would hang up a picture of it is beyond Danny entirely - and slowly walks through the room. Her fingers roam over the small dresser with the TV on it and she gets up on her toes to peek behind it, finding nothing but dust. Her bright eyes take in everything - the adjoining bathroom with the toilet, sink and shower cubicle, the kitchenette with the small table and the two plastic chairs and the two single beds with the striped bedding.
"Danno? Which bed is mine?"
"How about you pick the one you want? So far I've slept in the one closer to the door, but I wouldn't mind if you wanted it."
Grace smiles and hops onto the bed near the kitchenette.
"I want this one! You can keep yours."
Danny nods and returns her smile. He really wouldn't have minded switching beds for his daughter, but he's glad about her choice. Not that he truly expects anything to happen, but over the years, he has learned to be cautious. Worst case scenario barely ever takes place, yet, he'd like to be in between Grace and the front door should anyone break in.
"Thank you, baby."
Grace gets off the bed and approaches the purple plastic box by the far wall, harboring toys and books. Danny had gotten some of them from his former apartment and newly bought the rest, so Grace would have enough things to play with whenever she'd come and visit. It is money he couldn't afford to spend, with supporting Rachel and Grace financially, still paying for the apartment, the motel room and needing to feed himself. There are a lot of expenses, and though Danny hopes their divorce will proceed as peaceful as their separation went on so far, he knows he will need to hire a lawyer soon. He isn't sure how he will pay for it all, as money is already tight. He doesn't want to ask his parents for help, but he isn't sure how he will make ends meet without their support.
"You got me new toys!" Grace exclaims happily. "Thank you, Danno!"
"You're welcome, Monkey. So what do you think of the room? Are you okay to stay with me?"
Grace nods and Danny feels some weight fall off his shoulders in relief.
"I'm glad to hear that. But remember, this is just temporary. I'm looking for a new apartment, where you will have your own room. But until I do, this will have to do. I got it because it's cheap and it's closest to you and your mom."
"So you can see me often, right?"
"You got it. If we miss each other too much it takes only a couple of minutes for us to meet up. And when you get to stay with me on a weekend, like you do now, we can spend even more time together because you're back with Rachel in less than five minutes."
"That's good. Because I think I miss you a lot," Grace says dejectedly, but just like that her mood changes and she beams up at her father. "It can be almost like before! I like talking to you on the phone but I like seeing you even more."
Danny looks down at her sadly but nods. "Yep, maybe it can be a bit like before. But Gracie… I will always come to you when you need me, but with school and work it may not be every day. It'll more likely be the way it's been the past month. With the exception that you get to stay with me every other weekend, and on some days after school, too."
"That's fine. Mommy said that I can call you whenever I want. Daddy, can we play?"
"Of course," Danny agrees and sits down on the floor, Grace following suit.
Over the next hour, they play with her dolls, play zoo with her stuffed animals, and try out some of the new toys he bought for her. Grace is in her element, ruling her kingdom of plush, and Danny is just happy to have her there. He has never minded playing with her, and never wished for a son to do more masculine things with. Not that he'd admit to his colleagues, but he's perfectly fine having tea parties and dressing up dolls as long as Grace wants it. Having a daughter is nowhere as daunting as it is a blessing, and he relishes in spending time with her, seeing her so happy.
It's starting to get dark outside by the time Grace announces she's hungry and Danny orders pizza for them. It doesn't help his budget, but this is the first time he has had Grace for more than a few hours, so what the hell.
They eat their slices sitting on Danny's bed, watching TV at the same time. It's comfortable, and if it wasn't for the weird smell, or the old fashioned wallpaper, it would be just like they used to be when they were still a family.
"Danno, will we live here for a long time?"
"God, I hope not," Danny chuckles dryly and takes another hearty bite of his cheese pizza. "No Monkey. Your grandparents were very nice to let me stay with them after I moved out but I wanted to get back up on my own feet as soon as possible. And as I already said, this is just because it's so close to you, until I find something better."
"And where will you move then?"
"I don't know yet. Once I find something I like, I'll let you know. Either way, you will have your own room, or at least somewhere to sleep without me in the same room."
"Can't you just come home?" Grace asks, her eyes wide with hope.
"No, I'm sorry, baby. This is my new home for now."
"But why?"
Danny sighs and cocks his head, trying to think of something to say that she will understand.
"Gracie, your mom and I had a lot of problems. We didn't know how to fix them for a long time, so it got really difficult. The best way to solve them is for us not to be together anymore. That way, we cannot fight all the time, and you won't be sad to see us arguing."
"Why did you fight?"
"Adults just do, sometimes. Even over silly things. When you're around someone for a long time, like your mom and I were, you sometimes forget to appreciate each other." Danny sees Grace's blank expression and tries to explain it as best he can, "Remember when Uncle Matt gave you the plush horse for your birthday? You played with it every day, for a long time, and you didn't even look at the other stuffed animals you had. But after a while, you chose some other toys to play with. And you did not use the horse as often anymore, right? You still loved it, but you didn't spend as much time with it as you used to. Which is totally fine - don't look at me like that - because it's just a plush animal. It wasn't that important for you anymore to spend much time with it, right? But when it happens to real people, married people, it's not good. We stopped talking, wanted different things and then it wasn't enough to stay together anymore. Do you get what I'm saying?"
"I think so." Grace bites her lower lip slightly in concentration. "I hope it doesn't happen to us too, because I really like you and Mommy."
Danny gulps down the last bite of his pizza and reaches for Grace, pulling her on his lap facing him and hugs her tightly before settling her back on his thighs.
"Grace, what I just said never applies to your children. Maybe you're still a bit too young to understand all of it, but you cannot compare loving your child to anyone else. It goes much deeper. I loved your mom, very much so, but it didn't even come close to how much I love you. No matter what you do, if you lie to me or break all of my stuff, if you do something that lands you in prison or if you're mad at me and decide not to talk to me anymore, I'll still love you more than anything else in the whole wide world. Okay?"
"Okay. I love you a lot, too… Danno, do you love Mommy?"
Danny sighs, "It's hard to explain, Gracie. I'll always think of her in a good way, cause she had you in her belly and made me your dad. She and I were together for a really long time and we did some good things together. I like her a lot for that but it's just not enough for us to stay together."
"Does Mommy love you?"
"You will have to ask her that."
Grace looks down dejectedly. "So you're not moving back in with us?"
"I'm sorry, I'm not. You and your mom will stay in the apartment together. You guys might move somewhere new, I know she talked to you about it. But when she finds a new place, I won't be there. And when I find a new place, you'll have a room there but your mom can't come."
"I'm a bit sad that I only get to see you one at a time," Grace says quietly. "I liked it when we were all together. I like being here, but I wish Mommy was here too."
Danny smiles sadly when she wraps her arms around his neck and holds on tightly. He hugs her back and brushes his hands over her back soothingly. He knows how she feels, because his feelings are not dissimilar. He cannot tell her that he wishes for the same thing, not without risking confusing Grace, or have Grace tell Rachel and potentially get her mad at him.
"I'm sorry you're sad, Monkey. Your mom and I never wanted this for you. I think that given some time, you'll get used to the new situation eventually. And hey, we'll try to have the best fun when we're together, alright?"
"Yes." Grace nods and rubs her eyes with her sleeve.
Danny checks his watch and realizes it's close to Grace's normal bedtime.
"Are you tired?"
"A little bit."
"Let's get ready for bed, then. You don't have to sleep right away, we can read a book first. How does that sound?"
"Good."
Danny ushers her into the tiny bathroom when she agrees and together, they brush their teeth. Grace barely reaches the sink, and Danny makes a mental note to get her something to stand on for the next time she comes to visit. He lifts her up so she can spit and rinse, and has her change into pajamas while he changes in the bedroom.
Grace jumps onto the bed once she is done, and watches as her father makes sure the door is still securely locked, all windows are closed and the slightly dusty curtains are drawn shut.
"Can we read the book about the mouse?"
"Sure!" Danny rummages through Grace's toy box and retrieves the book in question. He watches Grace crawl under the covers and waits until she has gotten comfortable, then sits down at her side and reads her a chapter. She's quiet, as she always is when she's read to, and tracks the words as he reads them and looks at the pictures. She's growing more tired quickly, and it doesn't take long until it's obvious that she is having trouble keeping her eyes open.
Danny closes the book after finishing the chapter and places it beside the bed. He tucks her in gently and kisses her forehead.
"Thank you so much for spending the weekend with me. I'm looking forward to tomorrow. Good night, Monkey. Sweet dreams!"
"Maybe we can go to the playground tomorrow?" Grace yawns and snuggles further into the pillow. "Good night, Danno. I love you."
"I love you too."
Danny straightens up and plans on moving to the armchair. When he realizes that they are sharing one single room, he knows that there is no way he can watch TV, listen to music, or even read, without keeping his daughter from sleeping. And since there is no way Danny would ever leave the room with his daughter alone inside, there isn't much left for him to do. He sighs as he gets under the covers of his own bed. Oh well. Turning in early might be good. After all, he has not gotten a truly restful sleep in a long time. He doesn't get enough sleep period.
It has been a tough month for Danny, for whom it has sunken in that his quality of living has
deteriorated immensely. It's not just the motel room. While he has been living with his parents right after separating from Rachel, he has seen Grace every second to third day, for a few measly hours. He has picked her up from school, gotten her from Rachel for a few hours to visit him and her grandparents on the weekend, and talked to her on the phone every day. It doesn't nearly amount to the time they used to spend together. The mistakes he has made have cost him greatly, and he keeps on thinking about what he lost.
He occupies himself during the day. He works a lot anyway, but he pours himself into work these days. He and Rachel have figured out a schedule, but it's bumpy. School comes first, and apart from that they have to see how things go. At work, Danny manages not to think about his messed up private life. His partner also excels at keeping his thoughts focused, the bad thoughts confined to the back of his head. It is during days off and in the evenings when his mind catches up to what happened.
The nights are the worst. It's when he realizes how truly alone he is. He has been with Rachel since his early twenties. They barely ever spent time apart. It is strange to suddenly go to bed without good night kisses from his daughter and wife, to lie in bed without Rachel's warm body by his side, without anyone to talk to.
His family has been his lifeline. His mother immediately enveloped him in one of her best hugs and ushered him inside when he had shown up at his parents doorstep, a bag in his hand. No questions asked. She must have seen it in his eyes. His father had accepted him with open arms as well. His father had also made sure that Danny was not left alone for long periods of time. His mother kept him company during the day, involving him in talks, whereas his father had sat down with him. Sometimes, they didn't even talk. They just sat next to each other, staring out from the porch, sometimes drinking one or more beers. His sisters had stopped by, checking in on him as well. And Matt had turned out to be the ultimate savior.
Ever since Danny checked into the motel and booked the room they are in, Matt has stopped by every night. Tired from work, surely having better things to do than keeping his big brother company, he'd come every night, sat with him, talked him through his loneliness and then headed for work, only to come back the same evening and do it all again. Without his brother there… Danny does not want to think about it.
Things are slightly looking up now. Tonight is the first time Grace is staying during the night. Rachel promised them Friday after school until Sunday evening. Tonight is also the first time Matt will be absent, though he has a feeling that his brother will be back by Sunday night. He is grateful for his family, but he is even more grateful to have his daughter with him now. Maybe with her here, his mind will be at ease, if only for one weekend. In the few hours he has had her, he's been happy in a way he hasn't been in a while.
Grace is his life. He has always known that, from the moment he first laid his eyes on her and held her in his arms. He will cherish every moment he has with her, every second of it.
The thought is soothing.
He is dozing off, close to falling asleep, when he startles awake at movement coming from the bed next to him. In the dark, he can make out Grace's silhouette as she leaves her bed, her feet softly pad on the floor. Before he can make sense of what she's doing, she climbs up on his bed wordlessly and crawls under the covers with him. He feels her scoot closer to him and presses her back to his chest.
She reaches back and fumbles for his arm, dragging it over her middle. It's just the way they cuddled in bed on the weekends and now there's only Rachel missing, who'd normally put her arm over Grace too and rest her hand on Danny's hip. Grace doesn't seem to be bothered though, as she sighs contentedly and relaxes, falling asleep immediately.
For the first time in a month, Danny falls asleep with a smile on his face.
