Hello! DGM chapter 231 gave me LYFE so I'm finally back with a new chapter!

To make up for the long wait, this chapter actually has an accompanying art, which you can find in the AO3 version of this story. There another accompanying art for the cute library scene that I just added on AO3, so do check it out!

Now, without further ado, please enjoy the pain story. :)

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THE WALK

Chapter 8

-a fanfiction by a1y-puff-


.Hands.

Lenalee has run tens of scenarios in her head before finally gathering enough courage to take the step and confess. She has simulated in her head what to say and Kanda's possible responses, but even that doesn't help the nervousness crawling in her stomach after she's said what she has to say.

And waits for Kanda to reply.

In one of the scenarios, Kanda would take her hand and smile at her. He might not say 'I love you' because that's just not his style, but Lenalee would be able to see it in his eyes as he looks at her with uncharacteristic warmth. Maybe he would give her one of his half-smiles, or maybe he would simply squeeze her hand a little tighter.

Maybe he would return her feelings.

So when, back in reality, Kanda actually steps closer and takes her hand, Lenalee could feel her heart leaping out of her throat.

"Thank you," Kanda says gently, and Lenalee dares herself to look up—

—To meet Kanda's unreadable eyes. They aren't as warm as Lenalee had imagined. Kanda's expression was gentle—or as gentle as he can manage—but he also looks measured. Careful.

Lenalee ducks her head again, unable to bear seeing the troubled look on Kanda's face.

Of course, there were these less desirable outcomes in some of her scenarios, but she has always tried not to dwell on them too much. Yet, right now, they keep coming into her mind, filling her chest with dread as she braces herself for Kanda's response:

"I'm sorry."

It's only two words. Two simple words which pierce right through her chest.

She clenches her fingers in Kanda's hold.

"Why?" the question escapes her lips almost in a whisper. Lenalee keeps her eyes on their joined hands—something that she has always wanted, but not like this. "Is there… someone that you...?"

For the longest seconds, Kanda doesn't respond. His hold on Lenalee's hand remains firm. When she finally gathers enough courage to look up, Kanda is looking right back at her, eyes gentle but guarded.

Then, he softly replies, "I can't be what you need."

Lenalee can almost literally feel something cracking in her chest, and yet deep, deep down, she knows she's seen this coming, but it doesn't help lessen the pain now, so what else can she do?

She can feel her heartache melt into tears, and lets them stream down her cheeks in quiet, heartbroken sobs. Ones she desperately tries to hold back but can't, so—

So she cries.

Kanda holds her hand until her tears dry out.

.

.

.

.Regret.

Allen doesn't really remember how he gets home. Everything is a blur as Lavi's words repeat in his head, and before he knows it, he's curled up in bed, still wearing the same clothes for school, because he didn't have the mind to even change. Not that it matters. No one is around to reprimand him for it.

"I'm not, and neither are you."

Such simple words, yet they keep playing in his ears, Allen closes his eyes, willing the jumbled up thoughts in his head to calm down or at least make sense, but—

He can't make sense of that throbbing pain in his chest.

Or okay, so maybe he can make sense of some of it. Wasn't he just thinking about it recently? About what would happen if Kanda got himself a girlfriend?

Allen remembers their countless sleepovers—impromptu or otherwise, how Kanda would stay with him in bed after he wakes up from a nightmare. He remembers their casual touches, the way Kanda's eyes and voice would soften ever-so-slightly on bad rainy days. He remembers their not-quite-plan to room together one day, when they would move out of their respective houses and get both a cat and a dog for pets and think—

If Kanda and Lenalee got together, would Allen have to give up all of those?

There's a pang in his chest and Allen curls deeper into himself. He barely registers the thunder beginning but his head is so full he can't even be bothered to plug his earphones in and blast some music. It's not like it's started raining yet.

He wonders if Kanda is home yet, or if he'd make it home before it actually starts raining—

When his bed suddenly dips, Allen nearly jumps. His eyes snap open, and when he turns his head to see, Kanda is already there, sitting by his hip and looking down at him and Allen really doesn't know what to make of his expression.

"You left the front door unlocked. I thought you were asleep," Kanda breaks the silence, and is it just Allen or is his voice somewhat softer?

(He ignores what that does to his insides, really, because why should he feel anything about it? After all, it's going to rain any minute now and that's just the voice Kanda uses on rainy days.)

Before Allen can reply, though, Kanda speaks again, "You didn't wait for me at school."

Allen takes a deep breath and forces his muscles to relax, then he turns back to his original position—curling up facing the wall—when he replies, "You were busy."

The silence that follows is so different than the usual companionable silence between them. Even with his eyes closed, Allen knows Kanda is watching him. He can feel those dark eyes on him, and it makes him even more nervous.

"So you saw us." It's a statement, not a question, so Allen doesn't feel the need to reply. At least until Kanda adds, "You knew about it. About Lena."

"Does it matter now?" Allen takes a deep breath before turning his head just enough to look at Kanda and gives him a small smile—or tries to anyway. "So, should I say congrats yet?"

Something shifts in Kanda's eyes. Allen isn't sure what, but it makes him uneasy, and—

"I told her 'thank you'," Kanda says again, eyes still on Allen, so he tries to ignore that pang in his chest. Then, Kanda adds, "and I said sorry."

"Wait, what?" Allen's eyes widened and—why does he feel like something is lifted off of his chest? "So you're not… together?"

"No."

"But why—"

"Because it wouldn't have worked." Kanda closes his eyes and sighs. "I told her. I couldn't be what she needed."

For a moment, Allen just stares at Kanda, and he can't decide what to feel about it. On one hand, he's somewhat… relieved… because that means he can still remain close with Kanda, and maybe nothing would have to change, but.

On the other hand, Allen feels really, really horrible because why is he relieved while Lenalee's heartbroken right now?

Allen turns back to the wall when he says, "Maybe you should… reconsider?" Then, before Kanda can reply, he goes on, "Lena really, really likes you, you know. She has for a while now. And she's different, right? Compared to those other girls, and—I think she'll be good for you… so at least consider how she feels?"

He falters, because then why is his chest hurting? And what about Lavi? Is it really alright for him to vouch for Lenalee knowing that Lavi has feelings for her and—

Kanda plants a fist against his pillow, right in front of Allen's face. Allen slowly turns his head again to look up and—

"And you don't care about how I feel?"

Allen has never seen that expression on Kanda's face before, and he doesn't know what it means or how to react, but somehow, seeing it makes his chest hurt.

"Tch. Whatever." Kanda pulls away and pushes himself off the bed. He quickly grabs his bag and walks away, pausing at the door just to say, "You should mind your own business."

And then he disappears out into the hall. Just like that. Leaving Allen feeling really, really shitty and confused and—

Outside the window, the rain starts falling.

.

.

.

.Sorry.

When the next thunder rolls, Allen tries not to jump. The sound of the rain is getting louder and harder and Allen feels like how he used to when he was small. Like the world is angry at him. He tries to ignore it, but it's hard when he's already feeling awful.

Kanda has never walked out on him like this before, and Allen wonders how much he has screwed up. He was so wrapped up in the guilt he feels for Lenalee that he didn't even stop to think about how Kanda actually feels.

Didn't Kanda tell him it wouldn't have worked out? Just because Lenalee likes Kanda very much, doesn't mean Kanda feels the same way, and Allen should have known that Kanda would never get into a relationship just out of pity. Not when forming a bond isn't even something that comes easily to him.

And Allen calls himself Kanda's best friend when he doesn't even—

A particularly loud thunder booms and Allen actually jumps this time. Damn, maybe he should just plug his ears after all.

He slowly opens his eyes—when did he even close them?— and when he turns around, the first thing he sees is—

Kanda, standing in the doorway, an unreadable look on his face.

He walks closer to the bed then, and before Allen can even speak, another thunder roars and Allen cowers slightly in bed.

He opens his eyes again to find Kanda standing by his bed, giving him a long-suffering look before dropping his bag again on the floor and planting one knee on the bed.

"Scoot over," Kanda tells him impassively, and once Allen does, he drops himself right next to Allen, then promptly turns his back on him.

For a moment, only the heavy sound of rain showering the rooftop and pelting on his window fills the silence, before finally Allen dares himself to reach out and—grip the end of Kanda's shirt. Just like how he used to.

"I'm sorry," Allen whispers to the back of Kanda's head.

Kanda doesn't respond, but he says nothing when Allen scoots closer, closer… and when Allen presses his forehead to Kanda's back, he doesn't pull away.

.

.

.

.Hope.

Call it good timing, but Lenalee confessed on a Friday, which means they all have the weekend to be away from each other and calm down. Except for Allen, because even on the weekend he would still have to see Kanda when Tiedoll invites him over for meals—something he always does whenever Cross is away for work leaving Allen alone.

But at least at those dinner visits Kanda acts like nothing has happened, and Allen can't be sure whether he should be glad or worried.

Then, before he knows it, Monday rolls around again and Allen almost dreads going to school. He doesn't know how to face Lenalee—or if she would want to be around them? Kanda has turned her down. Allen is his best friend—but also a good friend of hers, who she chose to confide her feelings in.

Allen almost considers ditching. Or maybe disappearing during lunch like Lavi's been doing, but.

He finally goes to school because Kanda picks him up (like always), and he still goes to that tree to have lunch because where else is he supposed to go? He doesn't want to have another fight with Kanda for not eating lunch with him, after everything.

But Lenalee doesn't show up for lunch. Or okay, Allen knows he's caught a glimpse of her earlier, so at least she's in school, but.

"So it's only us today," Kanda comments, face impassive but Allen knows him too well to not notice the concern in his voice. "Can't say I'm surprised."

After all, not only does she probably not want to see Kanda just yet, this place is literally where she got rejected, so.

"And the stupid rabbit goes MIA again."

Allen tenses up, but just shrugs at Kanda. He doesn't need to tell him Lavi was with him to see Lenalee confess, and even then, Lavi said he wasn't okay.

And Allen wasn't either..

So he shrugs and shakes his head, then takes a small bite of his food and sighs. "It's kinda lonely with just us here," he murmurs more to himself.

Kanda doesn't respond, and for the next few minutes, they just eat in silence, filled in only by the sound of the leaves dancing in the wind and the distant chattering of other students—but none of them is a familiar voice.

Allen really, really doesn't like this, but there's nothing he can do.

"They'll come around," Kanda says firmly, and when Allen turns to look at him, Kanda has this faraway look that to untrained eyes might just look impassive, but.

Allen knows better.

"Yeah," he says softly and shifts just a little closer. "They will."

Or at least he hopes so.

.

.

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.Change.

"Can I eat lunch with you?" Lenalee says when she sees Lavi in front of the library—just like she thought he'd be.

He turns to her, watches her for a moment, then smiles as he pushes open the door and says, "Sure."

So she follows Lavi inside, trailing behind him as he leads her to an open space at the far corner of the library, where there are a few other students having lunch while chatting quietly. They take the furthest corner of the big communal table and Lenalee thanks Lavi when he pulls a chair for her before taking the seat next to her.

For a moment, they start eating in silence. At least, until Lavi comments, "Your new haircut is cute."

"Ah, thanks." Lenalee reaches up to finger the ends of her hair—which now falls just before it touches her shoulders, then looks up at Lavi curiously. "You're not going to ask why?"

Why she cut her hair. Why she's not eating lunch under that tree—

"Do you want me to ask?" Lavi returns the question with a smile that Lenalee can't quite pinpoint, but—it makes her nervous, somehow.

It doesn't feel like the goofball Lavi that she knows, and Lenalee isn't sure how to deal with this—subdued version of Lavi.

"We saw you on Friday," Lavi finally speaks again, without looking at her. "Allen and I."

"Oh—well." She laughs nervously. "That's embarrassing. So you both saw me getting rejected—"

"We didn't stay," Lavi cuts in gently. It goes unsaid that he still knows how it ended anyway. Her being here is proof enough.

Lenalee ducks her head, picking at her food without really looking at it as she continues, "I really thought I had a chance, you know… but maybe it was only wishful thinking. He said—he couldn't be what I needed, but what does that even mean?"

Lenalee knows she's just ranting—just letting out her frustration, and Lavi probably doesn't have the answer to her question, but—

"You know. You've been so focused on Yuu—or your feelings for him that maybe you didn't see a lot of things."

Lavi is smiling at her, but his eye? Lenalee isn't sure how to interpret the look he's giving her. "What do you mean…?"

Lavi's smile turns even more cryptic before he replies, "Maybe if you take a step back and really look at him, you'll understand what he means."

.

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-tbc-


I swear this story is getting harder and harder to write with each chapter. I was so nervous for this so PLEASE drop me a word to let me know what you think? That would mean a lot, thank you!