Chapter Nine

Right about now Jim Kirk was silently wishing another fissure would just open up and swallow him whole, that or for some strange vortex to suddenly yet conveniently appear, sucking him deep into the cold vacuum of space...either predicament was infinitely preferable to the one he currently found himself in. Some how the term 'awkward' just didn't do it justice.

Out of all the possible bloody meanings that one word had to translate to, it had to be concerned with the one subject matter that still rested uneasily between himself and his first officer. It was the hulking elephant that followed them everywhere, waving its considerably trunk in their faces and yet they still managed to studiously ignore it.

Bones had warned him, hell he implored with him to talk to Spock about what had happened, to clear the air between them but Jim disregarded the sound advice and now it had come rushing back to bite him in the ass. He deserved no less. A pang of shame brought a slight flush to his frozen features as he reluctantly remembered telling Bones that it was in Spock's best interests to avoid the issue, he was after all a very private being.

'Bullshit!' was the astute Doctor's reply and he was right it was all bullshit, as much as he was loath to admit it, James T. Kirk had been afraid.

Afraid to confront the issue, afraid of what his friend might say or do in response, afraid of apologising and appearing weak.

However, now that he had almost a year of command under his belt, looking after the lives of his crew, putting them first and not his ego, a year in which he had grown, matured more than he thought possible, he knew now that personal pride had no part to play in this scenario.

Admitting ones faults, acknowledging ones strengths and weaknesses, apologising for ones actions no matter how necessary and harsh they may have been...these are not the actions of a weak individual but that of a person secure in their own skin. It was time to make amends...but just as he was about to speak...

"I...I never told her I l...loved her."

The softly spoken confession was steeped in a myriad of barely concealed emotions and Jim couldn't help but wince as guilt twisted it's ugly knife once more in his gut. His own accusing words 'You never loved her!' resounded loudly in his head.

He had basically accused his first officer of being a cold unfeeling machine, incapable of comprehending the meaning of emotions, let alone capable of experiencing them.

And even as the cruel taunt had escaped his lips, the all too recent memories of the meld with Spock Prime flooded his mind. He knew his words to be untrue, the half Vulcan was capable of depths of feeling perhaps much greater than any human...he simply chose to control and conceal them.

But the gloves were off, he urgently needed Spock to relinquish that control and sub sequentially command of the Enterprise and so he went in for the kill, pouring acid over a wound so raw it still bled.

The resulting violent outburst had caught him off guard, crushing blows rained down on him as he was tossed about the bridge of the Enterprise like a rag doll. He remembered the flash of panic as the vice like grip tightened around his throat.

He was under no illusion that had it not been for Spock's father Sarek, things may have taken a disastrous turn for the worse. But fate it seemed was on his side and everything had worked out fine in the end. He had been branded a hero, was officially made Captain of the Enterprise and all else was casually brushed aside.

Right about now, heroic was the last thing he felt. His best friend was close to losing consciousness, perhaps even dangerously close to dying in his arms and the only thoughts that plagued Spock's mind was that he had some how failed as a son by failing to tell his mother he loved her...it was a profoundly personal admission.

Jim's cruel barb had been more on target than he'd ever realised.

The young captain swallowed deeply.

"I'm sorry Spock, I am very, very sorry. What I said back then on the bridge was inexcusable, it was a cruel thing to say but you've got to know that I didn't mean it. Your older self told me it was the only way...I had to do it, I had to show you were emotionally compromised. Please tell me you understand...please," Jim implored as he tightly held his friend.

Spock's head slowly turned and his dark eyes momentarily studied the human's face before sluggishly rotating back.

"I und...understand Jim but it ch...changes n...nothing," came his friend's defeated reply.

"No!" Kirk shouted with as much vehemence as he could muster, "That's not true! When you re-materialised on that transporter pad and saw that your mother hadn't made it, even a blind man could see how much she meant to you. If it was that obvious to us...then she knew Spock, trust me man...she knew."

Jim paused a moment as some old memories from his childhood came rushing back bringing a much needed smile to his face.

"Mothers know things Spock, they know you love them even when you give them the silent treatment for days, when you forget their birthday, hell even when you storm out of the house yelling 'I hate you!' at the top of your lungs...they just know...your mother knew you loved her Spock...never doubt that," Jim cautioned warmly.

Spock's increasingly clouded mind struggled to focus on his captain's voice. The old terran saying 'actions speak louder than words'

seemed to be the message hidden within the words of encouragement.

Perhaps the man was right, his mother was always so perceptive when it came to reading him.

Growing up on Vulcan as a child of mixed heritage had not been easy. He struggled daily to make an extra effort at controlling his emotions, he tried so hard to not be a disappointment to his father but no matter how hard he worked on his mask of impassivity, his mother could always see right through it.

She knew when the taunts of his peers had been particularly cruel at school, she knew when his anger threatened to bubble over and burst through his false calm and most importantly, she knew when he felt ashamed and fearful that he had let down his family.

Those were that days when she would take him out for a walk, they would leave the city of Shi'Kahr and wander for hours through the vast expanse of Vulcan's Forge. Sometimes they would sit and stare off into the distance at the L-langon Mountains and she would read him ancient stories from Earth. Sometimes her favourite author Lewis Carroll or stories in which Greek and Roman heroes would spring to life, where seemingly weak and worthless youths would overcome daunting adversaries, showing bravery and strength of character beyond their years. He never admitted it but he always enjoyed those stories and those precious moments with his mother.

It was strange to think that despite growing up in a culture that prized logic and reason over emotion, that valued structure and order over chaos, the one place he felt most at peace was by his mother's side. His emotional, flawed and oft erratic human mother was his sanctuary. She was his rock.

And he would do anything for her.

He remembered outwardly putting on a show of enduring her loving hugs and kisses in the privacy of their home when he was small, whilst inside he secretly craved her affections. He pretended to tolerate her gentle ministrations to any minor injury he would receive all the while he silently thanked her for her tenderness. He always conceded and took part in the traditional earth celebrations that she loved so much, though to this day he never understood the significance of blowing out candles on a cake.

He would blame his involvement on his insatiable Vulcan curiosity but in truth he loved to see his mother smile...she had so few occasions to do so, surrounded by beings that disapproved of such open facial expressions.

He defended his mother's honour in a most un-Vulcan like manner when his fellow students branded her a whore even though it brought condemnation from his instructors, he even refused to join the prestigious Vulcan Science Academy because of their prejudiced attitudes towards her. He would not willing spend the rest of his years surrounded by people that considered her a disadvantage...she was anything but.

His mother told him regularly that she loved him and was proud of him no matter what path he chose and although he never replied in kind, he was perhaps doing her a dis-service to assume that she didn't know her feelings were reciprocated all be it silently and privately.

Perhaps in this instance his captain was right, maybe his actions did speak louder than any words and although he would probably always harbour a small trace of regret that he never once actually uttered those very human words, he was more at peace now and he felt some of his guilt wash away.

As the silence stretched out, Kirk was beginning to think that his first officer had fallen asleep..or worse. He gently shook the form held within his stiff, aching arms.

"S..spock?" he queried, somewhat alarmed at the stutter in his own voice. The cold it seemed was finally getting the better of him.

His Vulcan friend gradually turned weakly once more, struggling to make eye contact.

"Th..thank you Jim," the feeble voice whispered before his friend's head lolled back against his shoulder.

"Your welcome Spock...any t..time," Jim reassured.

He was about to speak again, to engage Spock in conversation in an effort to keep them both conscious when his ears picked up a faint crackle of static. Thankful that the winds had eased, he reached out listlessly and tried several times to pick up the small communicator, it was getting harder to co-ordinate his movements. With tremendous effort he picked up the device, it felt so heavy like it was made of iridium, he shakily held it to his mouth.

"Ss..scotty, Kirk here, c..come in."

Static.

"Ent...enterprise t..this is Kirk," he stuttered as the tremors over powered him.

Still nothing.

His arm flopped down by his side of it's own accord but the communicator still rested within his open hand.

"S..spock?" he called out with worrying frailty as his strength seemed to flee him.

But there was no response. His friend had hung on for as long as he possibly could but no more. The welcoming depths of unconsciousness had finally claimed him.

As his own eyes became unbearably heavy, Jim wondered how much longer he could hang on. He didn't want to die here, he had hoped that Scotty would find a way to get them out of this frozen hell hole, the man was nothing if not a miracle worker but time was rapidly running out.

As he lay there a strange numbness ebbed in waves throughout his body. It was most disconcerting that he could no longer feel Spock's weight resting against him. Struggling to keep his eyes open, he followed the irregular patterns of fog as each breath left him but even this simple task was becoming too much. He was losing, his body was spent and was shutting down rapidly...the outcome was inevitable.

As his eyes finally closed and consciousness fled him, he failed to hear the tiny broken voice emanating from his communicator.

~ooOoo~

Author's Note: Hi Folks! Yikes! It's been a while again eh?! Sometimes there just aren't enough hours in the day or days in the week (rolls eyes) and I just can't seem to write when I'm tired...my muses go into hibernation or something ! :) I hope you understand. Any way I hope you've enjoyed the latest chapter of my little story and as always I'm far too eager to read all your feedback. The support has been amazing so far, please keep it up...you folks are great!!

Thanks too, to non signed-in reviewers & for putting it on alert or adding it your favs! But don't be shy...pop in & say 'Hi!'.

Until next time my friends...take care,

~Lai