Chapter 9: Picking up the Pieces
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Hermione absentmindedly stroked the ginger fur, bowlegged, squashed and grumpy faced, huge cat that Narcissa had given her the week before. His name was Crookshanks and she'd fallen in love with him the second her eyes laid on him. It was funny how Narcissa seemed to know her and read her better than the woman that raised her did. She always seemed to know just what to do or say to make her smile or make her feel better. She wondered if that was the biological bond that they share. If only her relationship with Professor Snape would get better. They didn't have a horrible relationship, but neither did they have a good one. They just had a professional relationship. She still addressed him as 'sir' or 'Professor' and he mostly called her 'Miss Snape.' They did not have any kind of bond. She still found it hard to think of him as her father. He seems to be in a fouler mood everyday, she thought. As she began to pounder the reasons behind her father's extremely bad temper, someone sat beside her.
"What thoughts are you so wrapped up into," asked Harry. Hermione smiled.
"Professor Snape," she said.
"Git," muttered Harry before he could stop himself. Hermione frowned.
"Harry," she said exasperatedly, slapping his crossed legs lightly.
"I'm just saying," said Harry indignantly. "He is more unbearable this year than ever before. I thought when you started coming to class he would be nicer, but no, still the same nasty, rude and unfair bastard that he's always been. Gryffindor's never lost so many points in the first month of school in Hogwarts entire history." He began tearing the weeds growing at the roots of the huge beech tree on the edge of the lake where they were sitting. It was a beautiful Friday afternoon and they had a once in a lifetime free afternoon together because Professor McGonagall had to leave for a family emergency.
"That's true," said Hermione, still frowning. "Gryffindor started in the negative really," she continued. "Due to Ron and Ginny losing one hundred and fifty points on the first day of class." She shook her head. "But we've lost tons of points before and we always make it up." she finished with a smile. Harry looked at her briefly then sighed.
"I suppose you're right," he said. "Still I wish Snape would lay off a bit." said Harry grumpily. He began to stroke Crookshanks' ears. They were silent for a moment and then Harry said. "What do Mrs. Malfoy have planned for your birthday Sunday," he asked.
Hermione sighed. "I told her I never make a big deal over my birthdays, but she insists on a small party. And by small, I mean you, me, Draco, Parkinson,"
"Pansy Parkinson," asked Harry incredulously. "But you hate her."
"I don't hate her Harry," exclaimed Hermione indignantly. "And Narcissa wants me to try and make some female friends, so she invited,"
"Pansy Parkinson," said Harry still staring at her as if she'd grown another head.
"Yes." said Hermione. "Narcissa and Pansy's mother are friends," she said, deciding not to mention the fact that Narcissa and Pansy's father had strong animosities between them. "And Pansy is a frequent visitor of Malfoy Manor. She believes that it only makes sense that we try to get along. For one, I would have a girl friend, and that would make things a lot better."
Harry did not respond for a long moment. He stood and began skipping rocks across the water. After about ten minutes of silence in which Hermione began to think about the therapy session she had in a few hours time with Andromeda Tonks. She was dreading it. She did not want to talk to the woman. She did not want to be examined like a nut case. She was doing just fine and with time she would be back to normal. She could do it without the shrink, but no, the Professor didn't believe in her. He did not think she was able to handle it on her own. He thought she was weak. He was ashamed of her. That is why he'd been in a foul mood lately. He was stuck with an emotional wreak of a teenager to continue raising. An insufferable know-it-all who did not know how to protect herself in her own home. She was a pathetic-
"Hermione are you okay," asked Harry, looking at her with much concern on his face. Hermione nodded, trying not to let the tears that were threatening to fall drop. Harry came to sit back down beside her. He shakily, reached out a hand and grasped her knee. He was relieved that she didn't pull away. "Hermione please talk to me," he said quietly. "Something happened over the summer. You're so different now. Please, let me help you. Tell me what it is." Hermione raised her blue eyes to meet his green ones, but did not respond to his request.
Harry sighed. "How is your father," he asked, standing, and returning to skipping rocks. "Not Snape I mean your real one? How is he doing? How's he taking you moving back with your birth parents?" He turned to see that Hermione had begun crying in earnest, while holding herself. "Hermione," cried Harry as he ran back to her side. "What's happened?"
"He hurt me," said Hermione quietly looking at the ground.
"Who hurt you," asked Harry stupidly.
"My, my dad," stammered Hermione.
"What?" exclaimed Harry. "What do you mean? What did he do?"
Hermione shook her head. "I don't want to talk about it," she said. "But he hurt me so bad. It's why I moved back with my birth parents. Please don't mention him again."
"So that's why you're so different now," asked Harry. "Because he did something to you? But what can be that bad? he wondered aloud.
Hermione saw a flash of him throwing a blow at her head the first night he forced himself upon her. She felt nausea in the pit of her stomach. She swallowed down the bile taste, and turned to face Harry. He had that look on his face that he had when he was trying to figure out a mystifying puzzle.
"Let it go, Harry," she said. "You really don't want to know." She paused. "And I'm not sure I want you to know," she said, thinking of how disappointed Harry would be that she still didn't know how to protect herself, and how disgusted he would be to know that she was no longer pure. Harry frowned but did not say anything further.
"My parents are forcing me to begin seeing a psychiatrist about what he, he um, he did to me," said Hermione as she felt her hands begin to shake. "I have my first session at four this afternoon." Her throat felt very dry. She picked up a nearby stick and transfigured it to a crystal-clear glass.
"Aquamanti," she said as she pointed her wand at the glass. It immediately began to fill with cold water. When it was filled, she quickly drank it down then refilled the glass.
"You're really good with your transfiguration," said a voice from behind them. Hermione startled, jumped to her feet, wand outstretched. Krum raised his hand in surrender. "I mean no harm," he said quickly. "I was just passing, and I saw you transfigured that twig to a cold glass of water. It was impressive." he said.
Hermione did not respond. She lowered her wand, but did reclaim her spot on the soft grass. Harry stood as well. Viktor, looking affronted, smiled falsely and continued his way.
"What was that about," asked Harry after he'd gone. "Did Krum do something to you?"
Hermione shook her head. "He just caught me off guard," she muttered. Harry said nothing but looked intently at her. She joined him in skipping rocks, not yet wanting to return to sitting.
"Just know that I'm here for you, Hermione," said Harry after awhile. "I've been looking at you as my big sister for a while now and that wont change. No matter what, you're my family as well.
Hermione smiled. "Thanks Harry," she said. There was a moment of silence as they watched the giant squid emerge from below the surface, as if to see what the ruckus was about.
"You know," said Hermione. "We actually arefamily. I've had nothing to do when Dumbledore removed me from classes, so I decided to take advantage of the library and research as much as I could about the Snape family and the Black family and sure enough, my mother's grandmother on her father's side and your great grandmother, James Potter's grandmother on his father's side, are sisters." she said excitedly. She had been waiting for the perfect moment to tell Harry, and it didn't get any better than this. "Your great grandmother Shazadi Rane Terentia married Jason Potter and begat Hector Potter, who begat James Potter who begat you, and my great grandmother Sydell Rani Terentia married Adonis Alexander Black and begat Saunders Alexander Black, who begat Orion Saunders Black, who begat Narcissa Black Malfoy, who begat me." she was smiling wildly. "Don't you see how that makes us cousins."
Harry began smiling too. "Yea," he said. "Yea I do."
Hermione nodded, and they continued to throw rocks. "Are we related to Sirius Black," Harry asked after a few moments.
"Oh yea," said Hermione nodding. "Saunders Black had two sons, Orion and Perseus Black. Perseus is Sirius Black's father."
"So, we're related to a murderer who wants to kill me," said Harry gloomily as he returned to his seat at the roots of the beech tree. "That's perfect."
Hermione came to join him. "Oh, Harry I'm so sorry," she said. "I was supposed to tell you what Narcissa told me and I totally forgot."
Harry said nothing but stared at her curiously. "Narcissa does not believe that Sirius broke out to kill you," she continued. "She reckons that he's innocent."
And she proceeded to tell him all that she knew about Sirius Black, all that both her mother and father told him. After the shock of learning that he had a godfather, then the anger that his godfather might have played a part in his parent's deaths, Harry and Hermione began to speculate on reasons why Sirius would break out of Azkaban to come to Hogwarts now after twelve years. After two hours of thinking and debating, they'd come up with nothing.
"Well I have to go get ready for my session," said Hermione standing. Harry stood as well. They both stretched.
"I will see you in the Great Hall for dinner then," said Harry.
"Thanks Harry," she said as they made their way back to the castle. "For being my friend.
"Don't mention it," said Harry. "We're family."
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Andromeda Tonks entered Hogwarts at a quarter to four. It had been many years since she'd been there. The last time had been for her daughter Nymphadora's graduation five years before. Hogwarts had been the best and worst years of her life. She was glad that they were over and that Dora's years were over as well. She was now working to become an auror. Andromeda made her way to Hermione's private room. She knew exactly where it was, having used it in her own Hogwarts years. She was excited to meet Hermione Snape. She was excited knowing that she would play some sort of part in Hermione's life. She truly hated that she could not be active in Narcissa's life. If she had been, perhaps Narcissa would have turned out a little better. More like Nymphadora, maybe, but older and wiser. She sighed. The past was the past and there was no changing it. She'd missed out on the rearing of Bellatrix and Narcissa and there was nothing she could do about it. She could only move forward. Her mission now was to do all that she possibly could for Hermione. Hermione, from what she'd learned over the past week, was a brilliant, loving, sweet, charming child who had been violated by a man she trusted with her life. She was alone in a sense, and Andromeda didn't want the void in her life filled with the bitter negativity that Narcissa could instill in her without even trying. She would show her that she could get past this ordeal and live a happy productive life. She would not allow her to wallow in self pity, and shrink from her potential. She was a Black. She was a genius. She could do and become anything that she wanted, and it would not be a criminal like most of the family. No, she would be a success, Andromeda vowed. And she would make sure it happened if it was the last thing she did. She arrived outside the room and took a deep breath before knocking lightly.
Hermione opened the door. The first thing Andromeda noticed was her sapphire blue eyes. She stared into them and swallowed. Maybe this would be a little harder than she thought. Hermione, she noticed, looked a whole lot like her father in the face, but she held her head like a Black. She walked like a Black. She had Narcissa's smile; the smile that Narcissa had inherited from her mother. She had the dark untamable hair that Andromeda and Bellatrix inherited from their father, Orion. Yes, it was obvious that Hermione was a Snape, but it was even more obvious that she was a Black. Andromeda smiled.
"Hello Hermione," she said. "I am Andromeda Tonks, but you can call me Andie, everyone else does. May I come in?"
Hermione nodded and stood aside to allow Andromeda access to the room. It was small, decorated in the same neutral colors of beige, deep reds, and olive greens. She sighed deeply. She kind of missed this room. It had been the only place she'd felt safe for a while.
She noticed that they'd added a sitting area. Probably to create a comfortable area for Hermione to have her sessions,she thought. There was a tan loveseat and chair set on the right side of the room accentuated with a dark coffee and end table. There was a writing desk beside the bed that was the same dark brown as the coffee and end table. The window on the opposite side of the room was cracked open allowing a cool breeze to flutter in. There was a small bookshelf along the wall with the window, with an impressive collection of books, both magical and muggle.
Hermione took a seat on the love seat and gestured for Andromeda to take the seat opposite her. Andromeda sat and said nothing for a moment as she observed Hermione. Hermione sat with her arms folded across her chest. She had her face set in a determined defiance sort of way, Andromeda noticed. Her foot was shaking slightly. She was wearing blue jeans with a long-sleeved prune colored turtle neck. She's showing no loose skin, thought Andromeda as she conjured up a quill and piece of parchment.
"Can you tell me a little about yourself Hermione?" she asked after she jotted down her initial impressions of Hermione.
"Why should I tell you anything?" asked Hermione stubbornly. "I don't know you."
Andromeda nodded. "I suppose you're right," she said. "So, tell me, what would you like to know about me?"
Hermione said nothing as she considered the question. "What makes you so arrogant as to think that you can help me?" she demanded. "You know nothing of what I've been through and yet you sit there smiling confidently at me as if it is nothing. You don't have a clue how to help me and I think this is a stupid idea." she pointedly turned her head in the opposite direction.
Andromeda felt something stir in the pit of her stomach. Something that she had not felt in a very long time. "Hermione please," she said calmly. "give me a chance to help you, I've no doubt that I can. I-"
"I refuse to talk to you," said Hermione. "There's nothing wrong with me. Nothing. I just want to move on."
"I want to help you to," said Andromeda. "If you allow me to."
"You can't help me," yelled Hermione as she stood and began pacing. "You couldn't possibly know how to. They can't teach someone to help someone like me."
"And what kind of someone are you?" asked Andromeda.
"I was raped," yelled Hermione as tears began to fall from her eyes. "I was a virgin and now I'm ruined. You have no idea how that's feels."
Andromeda did not respond. She silently observed the young woman in front of her.
"No man will ever want me," continued Hermione. "I mean, I still wake up screaming from nightmares."
"Tell me about your nightmares Hermione," asked Andromeda. Hermione shook her head.
"I'm not telling you anything," she said, sitting on the edge of the bed. "What good would it do."
Andromeda stood and crossed the room and sat beside Hermione on the bed. "Hermione, you are not ruined," she said quiet but firmly. "You can overcome this. I did."
"You were," stammered Hermione. "Were you raped?"
Andromeda nodded. "As a virgin," she said. "I was sixteen. It was a week before my seventeenth birthday."
Hermione looked shocked. She had not been expecting that evidently. Andromeda sighed. She had not meant to reveal something so personal in their first session. It just came out. Hermione did not understand that this was not the end of the world. She couldmove on, and what better proof did she had then her very self.
"I was in my seventh year when it happened," continued Andromeda. "I was head girl. I told my parents a few weeks after it happened, when I left school for Christmas break," said Andromeda as she fidgeted with the buttons on her blouse. "They didn't believe me. They didn't like me, because I was unlike them. My father refused to, as he said, "drag a prominent pureblood family name in the mud because I couldn't keep my legs closed. Back in those days witches were treated as children. It was frowned upon for a woman to even address a man. My rapist walked because my father didn't love me. Hermione, I know how you feel," she said, vaguely aware that her eyes were tearing up. "Believe me, I do."
Hermione couldn't believe what she was hearing. "You were raped," she asked again incredulously. "Here, at Hogwarts, and no one did anything about it? Where was Professor Dumbledore?"
"I- I didn't tell anyone." stammered Andromeda. "Not at first. My parents were the first to know and then, then err, Professor Dumbledore. But by the time I informed him, there was nothing he could do."
Hermione stared in silence at the startling revelations she'd just received. Her psychiatrist was a rape victim. She'd been raped right here, in the one place she felt completely safe.
"Is that why you became a psychiatrist?" she asked after a moment. Andromeda nodded. "Yes, because therapy helped me and I wanted to help other girls that are in the shoes I was in."
"Did talking really help you or are you just saying that to get me to talk to you," asked Hermione.
"Trust me," said Andromeda. "It helped. Who knows what I would have become if I hadn't gotten the treatment that I needed." she smiled. "I fell in love. I got married, and I had a beautiful daughter. She's 23." Andromeda held out a had a rubbed the small of Hermione's back. "So, I know that you can overcome this."
Hermione nodded. She was silent for a few minutes, overthinking it all. Andromeda did not push her to speak. After a few minutes, Hermione said softly, "I will give it a try. I don't want this to hang over my head for the rest of my life. I want to be normal."
Andromeda smiled. "That's the spirit," she said.
"What are you going to do to me?" asked Hermione.
"Well today we will just go over your treatment plan," said Andromeda. "I've met with your parents twice and we've come up with a treatment plan that's a few years longs, that we think would be most beneficial to you," she said. She summoned some parchment from the toot bag she was carrying. "Here it is," she said, flattening out the parchment, and handing it to Hermione.
"We've come up with some long and short-term treatment goals for us to be working towards," she explained.
Hermione smoothed the parchments a bit more before reading it
Tonks & Tonks
Family Psychiatric Consultants
Seventy years of business
Client name:Hermione Narcissa Snape
Diagnoses: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Acute Anxiety Disorder
Treatment Completion Goal: September 1996(three years)- September 1998 (five years)
Treatment Goals: (Long)
Hermione, on completion of her treatment, will be able to think and reflect on her trauma in a healthy way. She will no longer be ashamed of her abuse, but will have accepted it as well as move on from it.
Hermione, upon completion of her treatment, will be able to distinguish the difference between a healthy relationship oppose to an unhealthy one, and will know that all men are not bad nor are they all out to get her.
Hermione will be able to address the abuse she endured in a constructive manner, avoiding self pity and/or pointing blame at self or others apart from her abuser.
Hermione will learn and exercise the proper ways to deal with the grief of the loss of her adoptive mother. Upon, completion of her treatment, she will no longer hide behind her avoidance of the issue.
Hermione, upon completion of her treatment, will have learned ways to deal with the stress of the trauma, as well as developed valuable coping skills to help her with the flashbacks that she will undoubtly still have from time to time.
Hermione will be able to recognize triggers that causes her to get angry, as well as positive ways to deal with that anger.
Hermione will be able to return to her education full time without having to be removed.
Short Term Goals
Hermione will be able to discuss her trauma in session without locking down or avoiding the issue.
Hermione will build a successful relationship with her parents, and will allow them to build trust with her.
Hermione will make smalls transitions to gradually recommencing herself into full time classes
Hermione will discuss any untoward feelings that she may be having towards her parents, and will deal with all abandonment issues.
Treatment Actions
Hermione and myself will meet weekly, sometimes more to engage in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. She will also be required to participate in psychotherapy groups with other surviving rape victims as her treatment progresses. Hermione will be required to journal all feelings and thoughts related to her trauma daily. Hermione will participate in family therapy with her biological parents periodically.
Medications:
As of right now Hermione is not prescribed any medications to help her cope with her trauma, however she is often given a Calming Potion or Dreamless Sleep Potion. She will not be prescribed anything as of now, however if in time, she still requires taking these Potions, we will proceed with medicinal treatment.
Hermione looked up after reading it. "These sure are a lot of goals," she said. Andromeda nodded.
"Yes, well you have plenty of time to complete them," she said. "Now," she continued. "We shall go over each one to make sure that you understand everything."
Hermione nodded and Andromeda went over Hermione's entire treatment plan to her, explaining first her diagnoses, and its symptoms and then moving on to each goal. When they'd finished, Andromeda had been well over her scheduled hour.
"Is there anything you wish to discuss today Hermione?" she asked. She may have been over her time limit but she believed in giving her clients her absolute best and do all that she could for them. There was no way she would not give Hermione a chance to talk if she really needed or wanted to.
Hermione shook her head at first but then nodded. "I keep having this nightmare," she confessed. Andromeda immediately began scribbling on her parchment of notes.
"In the dream I'm always running," said Hermione. "There's always somebody chasing me, a group of females. They are always trying to attack me and I barely escape." She stood and began pacing again. "Narcissa is always there trying to fight my attackers, but they laugh at her. They laugh and torture her and then turn to me and just as I'm hit with the curse I wake up. Every time. I do not know what it means."
Andromeda did not speak but continued scribbling her thoughts for another minute and a half.
"I cannot be sure of the exact meaning of this dream," She said looking up to Hermione at last. "But my interpretation is that the women chasing you represents the things that you are running from," she said. "The fact that they are trying to attack you implies that you are running from some violent issues, but you can only run for so long before you run out and they consume you," she explained. "Hence, the women in your dreams eventually catches up with you and aim harmful curses at you. If you do not deal with these issues, they will catch up with you and will try and succeed in harming you and anything else that gets in their way, like your mother for example." She paused. "Hermione these dreams are the proof that your parents made the right choice in seeking help for you. They're like a warning bell chiming in your subconscious mind." She smiled. "The good news is that you have a wonderful psychiatrist who will not stop until you are able to live a safe constructive life without fear." She stood as well. "Hermione, I believe that will be all for today." she said. "I want you to continue journaling, and we will meet again next week. Now I believe that you are late for dinner. "
Hermione smiled and nodded. "Thank you, Mrs. Tonks,"
Andromeda shook her head. "Call me Andie, Hermione," she said.
"Alright then," said Hermione. "Thank you," she said as she opened her bedroom door.
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When Hermione entered the Great Hall, Severus stood at the staff table. He'd been waiting for her to see how her session went. He made his way over to her at the same time as Potter. He sucked his teeth.
"How did it go Hermione," asked Harry.
"It went good, thanks Harry," she said smiling. "I like her, Andie Tonks, she's very nice."
"That's good," said Harry. "It would suck for you to have to talk to someone you didn't like."
"Yea," said Hermione. "I'm starving now though," she said laughing.
"Good," said Severus speaking at last. "I was wondering if you would care to join me in my chambers for dinner," he said. "I am curious to how your session went and I thought that perhaps we could discuss it while brewing some potions for the Hospital Wing."
Harry rolled his eyes and walked away. Hermione smiled. "Sure, that sounds great," she exclaimed.
Down in the dungeons Hermione told Severus all about her first meeting with Andromeda as well as what she thought of her over their dinner of pot roast mash potatoes and gravy and mixed vegetables and pumpkin juice. Severus listened and gave feed back when required. He was just happy to see that Hermione seemed happy and well, at least for the moment. She'd not had an incident for two days and he was loving it.
When they'd finished eating, the two of them headed to Severus' private labs. Hermione watched as Severus thoroughly scrubbed his hands clean and she imitated him.
"We are going to be brewing a gallon of Calming Potion," said Severus. "As well as the Wolfbane Potion."
Hermione squealed with delight. "Really," she exclaimed. "The Wolfbane Sir, it's really advance, most fully-grown wizards can't even begin to brew it."
Severus nodded, smiling inwardly at her advance knowledge of potions. Knowledge that he had not had a chance to nurture and perfect. No, he had been robbed of his right to raise his daughter but he would make up for it. She was still young and impressionable, and had a natural love and talent for the subject. Yes, he would teach her all that he knew.
"It is exceedingly difficult to brew," agreed Severus. "and if done incorrectly, it would become a very potent poison." He smirked at the thought. "However," he continued. "If there is anyone that I believe could brew it just as well as myself, it would be you."
Hermione gushed with pride at this rare praise from the deeply feared Potion Master.
"So, let us begin." And they did. Severus had Hermione brew the gallon of Calming Potion on her own while he assisted her. He was amazed at her talents and couldn't believe he'd spent the last two years trying to knock her down. Well no more of that. Hermione laughed a lot and told him how relaxing she found potion brewing. Severus had to agree. It was his main reliever of stress.
After she'd finish brewing the Calming Potion, Severus showed her how to cover the cauldron for it to cool before bottling it. "Now we will get started on the Wolfbane," he said. "We will brew for about an hour, with stirring and adding ingredients then it has to cook for 24 hours. We will come back tomorrow night, if you want, and complete the next steps."
Hermione nodded and watched as he set up another cauldron and set about gathering the ingredients that they would need for the evening. Hermione was so happy that Severus had decided to allow her to help. They were forming a bond and that's what she wanted.
When she'd gone up to bed an hour and a half later it was with happy thoughts. It had been a good day. She did not have any nightmares that night.
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